His little stepbrother ddlb 18+

Chapter 4 Alex

Chad left the apartment at around eight in the evening.

He asked me again if I was sure I didn’t want to come. I told him

once more that I had a study group to attend and that I might not be

able to come back here until tomorrow morning.

I was lying.

I just didn’t want to burden him with matters that I should be dealing with

myself.

Being too terrified to grab a handful of dough and flatten it into a pizza

crust in exchange for a job and making a fool out of myself in front of the

owner? That’s an issue that I should be dealing with on my own.

I was a freaking i***t! I had that job. The owner wanted me to have that

job. Shaping that dough was supposed to be a mere formality.

And I choked.

Again.

I choked when it counted the most.

I’m such a choker... such a loser... and I hate myself for it...

It’s been hours since I got back and I haven’t even left my bed. I haven’t

even gotten out of this blanket where I hid myself. I was all alone in the

apartment and I was still hiding.

Away from the world.

Away from myself, even.

Away from everything.

There were many times throughout the night when I did try to make sense

of things. I asked myself why I always faltered... why I always tumbled

whenever I was confronted with challenges. The answer came swiftly - it was

because I couldn’t deal with the pressure. It was because I couldn’t handle

the stress. It was because my instinct compelled me to seek refuge whenever

the going got tough.

I’m weak. I’m callow. I’m a coward.

I’ve always known myself to be like this, but there’s nothing I could do

about it. It’s not that I’ve resigned myself to remain this lamentable, no. I’ve

tried to change. Oh God... I’ve tried and tried and tried... so many, many,

many times.

And I always failed.

I always find myself retreating.

And what happened earlier today... it was bad. It was so freaking bad.

I couldn’t even make a stupid pizza crust. The dough was ready. All I had

to do was smash it on the table and mold it a bit... and I still wasn’t able to do

it. My hands froze. My body refused to move. I just stared at the bowl for the

longest time. Mr. Henry gave me so many chances to show him what I could

do, and I didn’t do a damn thing. In the end, I just uttered one word: “sorry.”

Then I left.

I was so ashamed of myself, so much so that I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve been holding back my tears since I left the restaurant. I’ve been trying

not to cry when I got back here because Chad was already home. But now, I

was alone. I could just let it all out.

And so I cried.

I cried and cried and cried, hoping that may shame would be washed

away by my tears. It didn’t. My shame only intensified, and my heart began

to feel like it was being crushed.

I was desperate. So damn desperate. Desperate for safety. Desperate for

comfort. Desperate for refuge.

I had to do it.

Before going to this city, I promised myself not to succumb. I was going

to live with someone, I repeatedly told myself. He’ll be freaked out if he saw

me like that. Besides, I had to grow up. I had to let go of these childish

inclinations because they weren’t right.

But after this afternoon’s failure, I was left with no choice.

I reached for my suitcase and opened it. I searched for the one thing that

helped me deal with pain and guilt and disgrace throughout the years. I

searched and searched until I found it.

My pacifier.

Swiftly, I drew it towards my mouth and began to suck on its n****e.

Immediately, I felt my nerves calm down. It was like a soothing wave that

flowed throughout my body - emanating from my lips and quickly spreading

to every corner of my being. My hands, which never stopped trembling since

I left the restaurant, began to settle. The heaviness in my lungs began to

lessen. The pounding of my heart began to diminish.

I continued to suck on my pacifier, drawing harder whenever the bad

thoughts would threaten to return. I found serenity from the soft shape of the

nipple. I found repose from the sound it made whenever I supped on its body.

I found certitude from the feel of the mouth guard pressing against my lips.

I closed my eyes and savored the tranquility it gave me. My body was

curled like a ball on the bed as both my hands tightened their grip on the

small plastic ring of my binky.

I moaned as I continued to sip, producing loud, slurping sounds with each

draw. Each siphon gave me enough bliss to forget the utter failure that I was,

to escape from the world that I didn’t want to live in, to remember and bask

in the simplest pleasures of the childhood that was seemingly yanked away

from me so many years ago.

I didn’t want to stop. But I wanted more. I wanted to feel more. I wanted

to be more.

And so I stood up and rummaged through my luggage once again,

searching for that one thing that would make everything complete.

A few seconds later and I found it. My onesie.

Baby blue and adorned with illustrations of an elephant and a giraffe, it

was the only one that I ever had. I distinctly remember the day when I found

it, at a garage sale in Manifest, a town just outside Greenville. It was the

perfect size. I never even knew they made onesies that could fit me.

I removed my clothes as I prepared to put it on. When I was down to my

diaper, I discovered that it was very wet and fluffy. I was so much tormented

by what I’ve experienced today that I didn’t even realize how heavy my

nappy has become.

I unclasped the velcro on both sides and pulled it down. I held it in my

hand for a while, thinking how I should get rid of it. I knew I couldn’t leave it

here at the apartment. Chad might see it and he’d start to wonder. I had to

throw it somewhere away from this place.

But that could wait. Chad won’t be back until tomorrow, he said. I had

enough time to dispose of it. So, I just placed it on the side of my bed.

I proceeded to put on my onesie. I wore it like a normal shirt before

buttoning the bottom part. I noticed that it’s gotten a bit tighter since the last

time I used it. I haven’t worn this piece since my dad and I started to live

with Martha, Chad’s mom. Though I had my own room there, the house was

quite small and Martha had this cardinal rule: the only doors that should be

locked were the front and the back ones. I had the privacy of my own spot but

not the security of being able to do whatever I wanted as my dad and Martha

could walk in at any time.

But tonight?

Tonight I had the entire apartment for myself.

I could be whoever and whatever I wanted to be.

Dressed in baby clothes and still sucking on my pacifier, I went back to

bed with a huge smile on my face. I cherished every soothing second of it...

the feeling of being untroubled... the feeling of absolute contentment... the

feeling of being unencumbered by fear or worry... the feeling of freedom...

And then I started to dream...

Of clear, blue skies and the freshest air...

Of swings and slides and merry-go-rounds in the middle of a field of

green...

Of being able to run and ride and play however way I wished...

Of an endless afternoon without duties to perform, without expectations

to meet, without rules to observe...

I sprinted towards the giant slide. I ascended the ladder behind it and

prepared to glide down its slope. I mounted myself at the very top of the

contraption, extending my hands outwards, feeling the cool breeze and

relishing that moment of sheer glee.

And then, without warning, I felt the metal foundations break. The

structure was collapsing. I was falling down, fast, towards the ground. I

closed my eyes and braced myself for one painful drop, one loud...

THUD!

I woke up to the blaring sound of the door smashing against the wall

beside it.

My back was turned against the entrance. I knew that I needed to know

who entered the apartment, but I was too scared to take a peek. Chad wasn’t

coming home tonight. He never told me about anyone else who had the keys

to his place. So who could it be?

The possibilities were both limited and terrifying. A thief? An arsonist? A

convict who needed to hide?

I wasn’t tucked in my blanket. I was fully exposed, in my onesie and with

a pacifier on my mouth. I wanted to cover myself but I decided against

moving. It would just draw attention towards me.

I was too petrified by what was happening. Not knowing who the intruder

was only aggravated the horror I was feeling. I was terror-stricken and

helpless, trying my best not to shiver, not to make any movement at all.

I expected the person who broke into the room to bark out his demands.

Give me your money! Don’t make a noise! Die! Or something similar.

But I heard no such words.

Instead, I heard the slurping sounds of one’s tongue ardently licking

someone else’s flesh, followed moments later by the smooching noise of two

lovers kissing each other. And then, one of them spoke. A man’s tone. A

familiar voice.

“I wanna f**k you so bad that you won’t be able to walk straight

tomorrow, darlin’,”

My heart, which was already pounding like a jackhammer, suddenly

stopped beating.

That voice. It was Chad’s. He was home. Oh no...

The other person, a female, started moaning, mumbling something that I

couldn’t decipher.

“Oh yeah, baby, I like that,” Chad replied. “You’re a dirty lil’ slut, and

I’m gonna punish you bad.”

More slurping. More smooching. More moaning.

It was apparent that they didn’t notice me there. That gave me a bit of

courage to turn around, to look at what was really happening, to determine

where I could escape or, at the very least, where I could hide.

I saw them. Chad was all over the girl, pressing his body against hers,

pinning her on the wall. He was kissing her neck. She had her eyes closed as

she was lost in ecstasy.

It was my chance.

I could hide behind the bed, at the side near the window. I could just lie

there and they won’t be able to see me. While hidden, I could change my

clothes. If ever they’d realize that I was home, I’d already be properly

dressed and it wouldn’t be as bad as seeing me in my onesie.

I began to crawl towards the farthest side of the room... slowly...

carefully... quietly...

A few inches more and I was already there..

And that’s when the s**t hit the fan.

The girl opened her eyes and saw me. She looked puzzled at first, but her

bewilderment quickly turned into complete fright.

She screamed.

Chad turned around. He, too, saw me.

Me. On all fours. In my onesie. With a pacifier between my lips.

The girl continued to shriek. Chad tried to calm her down but she just

wouldn’t stop squealing.

Soon enough, the girl escaped Chad’s grasp and ran away. He didn’t try

to pursue her.

We were all alone in the flat, Chad and I. He turned to look at me. There

was no sign of fear on his handsome face. No trace of disgust. Not even the

slightest hint of repulsion.

Instead, what was there was something that made me feel so much worse.

Disappointment.