Chapter 8 Alex
1029 Words
I went home on the verge of a major breakdown.
I buried my head on my pillow as soon as I reached my bed,
drowning my tears in its soft cushion which failed to provide the
slightest comfort. It wasn’t comfort that I was after. I just wanted to hide.
From Lucy at the laundromat. From Henry at the pizzeria. From my father
and my stepmom who expected so much from me. From Chad who was kind
enough to accept me. From everyone. From the world.
From myself.
God! How much I hated myself!
I try my best, I always do. But my efforts are never enough. Come the
moment that matters most, I always fail to stop fear from devouring me. I
stutter. I freeze. I make a total fool of myself.
Just accept it Alex, the voice in my head whispered. J ust accept the fact
that you’re a loser and this would be easier for you.
It was probably right. I was a loser. I was nothing but a disappointment to
myself and to everyone around me. I was a disgrace.
I spent the next hour crying, trying my best to find whatever bit of
courage I had left to compose myself. It was six and Chad was about to come
home. I didn’t want him to see me this messed up.
Chad, however, didn’t arrive until past nine in the evening.
“Hey,” I greeted him as soon as he entered the room. I wasn’t sobbing
anymore, but I feared that my eyes were still red and he’d notice.
“Yo,” he responded sullenly. It seemed that he, too, was having a bad
day.
Usually, either he or I would ask the other if he’s hungry. We’d then
leave together to find something to eat.
But not tonight.
He went straight to his bed and covered his face with his hands.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he hesitantly answered before confessing. “Actually, no. My
boss sucks. My job sucks. Everything sucks. And I just realized those today.
Fan-f*****g-tastic, right?”
“Uhuh,” was all I could say. His misery somehow reminded me of my
own troubles and it made me start feeling bad once again. My heart started to
become heavy. I felt like a great weight was pressing hard against my lungs,
making it difficult for me to breathe. A tear dribbled from the corner of my
eye, one that I almost didn’t notice.
But Chad did.
“You gonna cry because I had a lousy day, man?” he asked, partly in jest.
I wanted to laugh at his attempt at humor. I always admired his natural
ability to interject wit and hilarity into any situation.
But tonight was different. I was too dejected, too shattered, too
heartbroken to positively respond to his quips.
And he noticed that too.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he had to ask out of sudden concern. “What
happened?”
I couldn’t reply. His question made me think about all that has transpired
today, all that has transpired since I got to this city, and all that transpired
throughout my life which I never shared with anyone before. His question
made me think about the complete failure that I was.
And that caused more tears to drop. Followed by wails. Soon enough, I
was sobbing like a damn lunatic. I wept and snivelled and bawled for
minutes.
Until I felt him sit right next to me.
He placed his arm around my neck, reaching for my farthest shoulder,
pulling me closer to him. He held my cheek with his other hand, caressing it
as his fingers wiped away my tears.
“Hey, man,” he spoke gently. “Tell me what happened. Did someone
die?”
I could only shake my head.
“Well, that’s a relief,” he declared as he sighed.
I wanted to ask him about his day, about how he was coping with it, about
what I could do to help him. I wanted so much to reciprocate his kindness.
But I was swamped by my own wretchedness, suffocated by my own
anguish. All I could do was cry as I sank my head into his waiting chest.
He stroked my hair to calm me down. “Now, now, dude. Stop that. I’m
sure you’re stronger than what’s bothering you.”
I heard his words, but I didn’t believe them. I wasn’t stronger. I was
weak. I couldn’t even operate a stupid washing machine!
That made me cry even louder.
“Shhhhh,” he shushed. “Don’t cry, Alex. You can do this. So, shhhh.
Hush now, dude. Hush.”
Hush...
That word...
Somehow, that word suddenly gave me solace. It was the most reassuring
thing I’ve heard all day. My tears continued to drizzle down my cheeks, but
the heaviness in my heart began to lighten. My body seemed to have gained
newfound vigor. I started to breathe a little better.
Hush...
How I wished I could hear him say that again. How I wished he could say
it over and over until all these bad feelings would vanish. That word... it
made me feel good... it made me feel loved... it made me feel whole..
Hush...
He was hushing me...
Like I was a child...
Like I was a baby...
Like he was my...
“Daddy?” I muttered with a tinge of joy. I didn’t know if it was
intentional or merely something that escaped my thoughts and found its way
out of my mouth. It didn’t matter. I uttered it.
And as soon as I did, I felt Chad’s body stiffen.
Without warning, he pushed me away and hurriedly stood up. He
proceeded back to his bed before pausing. Then, he skipped his bunker and
went straight to the exit. He went out the room and slammed the door as he
exited.
It was clear that he was mad.
I made him mad.
And he left me, hopeless and helpless and downhearted and broken once
again.
Daddy?
Why did I even say that?
How could I be so stupid?
- Writer
