Nights Like This

CHAPTER 33

"Yes, Camila. Your kuya told me about it and sinabi daw ni Daddy sa kanya. He's been contemplating that for too long and he's decided na it would be much better kung iyon ang gagawin mo. Sabi nya kay Conrad na mas may tiwala sya na magiging maganda ang tatakbo ng campaign nya if you will be the one to handle it," ani Ate Emilia.

I called Ate for a quick lunch meeting near my office because hanggang ngayon, I cannot wrap my head about what my Dad wants me to do. Nakakalahati na ni Ate yung food nya samantalang ako wala man lang bawas yung inorder kong tonkatsu na lumalamig na dahil hindi ko nagagalaw. Para pa ring lumulutang ang ulo ko and I cannot grasp everything.

"Si Mommy din, tumawag sa akin kahapon to talk to you because she's mad na tinalikuran mo raw sya sa bahay mo? She wants me to shake your senses and put it to use, according to her."

Ate gracefully took the last bite of her beef gyudon. This is not the time to admire Ate's posture and how she present herself but I can't help it. She remained calm while here I am, parang kulang na lang buhatin ko sa bigat ang puso ko. She's the perfect daughter in law for my parents because of everything about her. Yung magbibigay ng pride sa pamilya. She's exactly like wahat my mom wants me to be. A best wife and daughter.

Bumuntong hininga ako. "Why? Alam mo ba Ate why did they suddenly decide it to be like that?" tanong ko sa kanya, nagbabasakali lang na baka na kwento rin ni Kuya sa kanya.

"She told me na you've made no progress with Tita Betty's son, Gabriel, kaya napag usapan daw ni Mommy at Dad to pull you out from that company and do that instead," aniya.

What the f?

"And Kuya agreed to this?" tanong ko.

Ate's eyes became surrendered and more concerned. "You know your kuya can't say no to the parents."

Si kuya na lang yung pag- asa ko to shake out the senses to my parents and put it to use according to my mom's word because sya lang ang taong nakakakausap ng matino ng parents ko regarding on matters like that at willing naman akong lunukin yung pride ko kay Kuya to make me help him pero ano pa nga ba ang aasahan ko? Wala.

I cursed under my heavy breath.

It baffles me na iyon ang rason nila kung bakit gusto nilang maag resign ako to the company! Hindi ako makapaniwala! Their plan to make me wed someone from the top of the business world is coming to fail and now that they've realized it, ibang plano naman ang gusto nila para sa akin?

I cannot count how many times I've sighed heavily ever since Ate and I got here but I did it any way and for sure, maraming buntong hininga pa ang mai- lalabas ko ngayong araw na 'to.

"Okay. I told her to tell Dad na I don't want to do it, Ate. You know how much I hate being involved in politics," sabi ko sa kanya.

After I walked out in front of my Mom, nag kulong lang ako sa kwarto and hindi sya nilabas kahit ilang beses nya akong katukin at tawagin. She was blabbing na I am disappointing her by saying no. But I don't regret doing that. Kahit pa ulit ulitin nya akong tanungin, hindi pa rin ang sagot ko.

"But your brother's still a politician and so as Daddy kaya you are still indirectly involved with this no matter how yo try hard no to be involved, you will always be. Why? Are you still reminded of the past?" tanong ni Ate na wala man lang bakas ng hesitation and that hit nerve. She worriedly looked at me and reached for my hand that's on the table nakapatong.

Hindi ako nagsalita. I just looked at Ate like I am making her see my soul and my emotions through my eyes. Lalo naman nyang hinigpitan yung hawak nya sa akin. Higpit na hindi parang gnagapos ako, higpit na para akong sinusuportahan at inaalalayan.

Ate Emilia's been one of my emotional support. Mas kapatid pa nya ako kung ituring kaysa sa kuya ko na asawa nya. Sometimes, I just feel like sya yung kakampi ko sa pamilyang mayroon ako. The reason why I can go to clubs ng hindi nalalaman ng kuya ko? It's because of her. Pinag tatanggol at pinagtatakpan nya ako sa sarili kong pamilya.

Huminga ako ng malalim saka I swallowed the huge lump on my throat. "Thank you, ate. I am fine."

"Don't," aniya na dahilan kung bakit ako napa angat ng tingin sa kanya. "If you don't want to do it then don't. You are a full grown adult woman and you have every right to decide for yourself. Choosing for yourself is a bravery but sometimes, it comes with consequences. Lalo na pag si Daddy ang nag sabi."

Hinugot ko ang kamay ko sa kanya and I ran my hair through my fingers. I am so frustrated with everything that's happenning!

"Yun nga, Ate. That is my point. I am an adult pero kung makapag decide sila para sa akin, kala mo I am just a five year old telling me na mag palit ng damit kasi mas bagay sa akin and Cinderella dress kaysa sa Barbie na tops and skirt! I am just hurt na hindi muna sa akin dumaan ang bagay na 'to bago sila nag desisyon na yun yung gawin ko. What am I here? Trophy daughter that should bring glory to my family bago ako ma acknowledge? Na kailangan ko laging sumunod sa kanila and they get to decide for me? Napapagod na akong sumunod sa kanila, Ate."

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit ko sa kamay ni Ate at saka sa diniinan ko ang pag clench ng isa kong kamay to release all the hurt and all the frustration that's piling up inside me. I badly want to break down but I am in a public place. Ayaw ko naman na may nakakakita sa akin na ganito.

"Do you want me to talk to your brother? No. I'll talk to him and convince him na to talk to them and convince them na hayaan ka na lang and huwag ituloy yung kung anong balak nila," aniya.

Umiling ako. "No, ate. You don't have to do that because they've already decided and talking to them is useless kasi we know that they've already decided. They won't listen to kuya or to you. Ayaw kong madamay ka sa galit nila sa akin so please, ate, you don't have to do it but thank you for the initiative."

Kanina pang hindi natatanggal ang pag a- alala sa mukha ni Ate. "Are you sure?"

I nod. "Oo naman. Don't worry about me because kahit anong decide nila for myself, gaya ng na- una nilang plano, hindi rin to mangyayari. I'll make sure na hinding hindi mangyayari 'yun."

Mula sa pagkakahawak nya, I pulled my hands and ako naman ang nag ibabaw ng kamay ko and pat her hand like I am the one giving her assurance.

"Are you really sure? Camila, I don't really mind kung ma- inis sa akin si Mommy," nag aalala pa rin na tanong nya.

I nod and gave her a small smile.

We stayed at the restaurant for a while and pinilit talaga ako ni Ate na kumain but the least that I can do now is eat. I tried one bite pero para lang akong ngumunguya ng barbed wire at lumulunok ng semento.

Ate looked at her watch and then at me. "Sorry, Camila. I have to go now. I have a meeting with my OB," aniya.

Nanlaki ang mata ko at for a moment, nawalan ako ng pakialam on my problems. "Why Ate? Are you pregnant? Did you take the PT?" sunod sunod na tanong ko sa kanya.

Nabawasan ng slight yung inis na mayroon ako kay Kuya by just thinking na bibigyan na nya ako ng pamangkin.

"I took a PT, yes, but I am not yet pregnant." Hindi naka takas ang lungkot ng mata ni Ate sa paningin ko pero pina lagpas ko lang because she might not want to talk about it.

"Magkaka- baby din tayo sa family," sabi ko sa kanya.

***

I am sitting in my swivel chair while my eyes are on the keyboard for I don't know how long. Aware ako na kanina pa ako naka titig sa keyboard ko at ang isang kamay ko ay naka hawak sa mouse. Gustuhin ko mang gumalaw but I feel like I am paralyzed at wala akong ibang maisip other than the conversation I had with my sister in law and my problem.

I flinched nang maka ramdam ako ng hawak sa kamay ko that's on the mouse and moved it then clicked something on the monitor. Agad akong napa lingon sa kanan ko and I stopped midway dahil kung hindi ko yun, my lips would crash Vance's for sure.

Hindi ako naka imik at naka galaw sa sobrang gulat ko. Vance leaned closer to me while directly looking to my eyes. I am just to stunned to do and say anything na na- bato na lang ako.

He lifted the corner of his thin lips saka tumingin sa monitor ko.

"I just sent the reports. Mag d- deadline na," aniya. Tinuro nya yung digital clock sa lamesa ko and it's already six. Umayos sya ng tayo at sinuksok ang dalawang kamay nya sa bulsa ng pants nya.

I was making a report bago ako ma- tulala at tapos ko naman na but just as when I was drifted to the depths of my mind, nakalimutan ko pang i click yung send. Kung hindi pa na pansin ni Vance, baka na late ako at warning pa 'yun.

Tumikhim ako saka I excited the tabs on my PC and shut it down.

"Thanks. hindi ko namalayan yung oras," sabi ko sa kanya. Kinuha ko yung bag ko at inayos yung mga gamit ko as I am ready to go home.

Hinila ni Vance yung swivel chair within his reach saka itinabi iyon sa akin. He sat there saka sumandal habang naka patong ang dalawang siko nya sa arm rest.

Kung nag dala ng bigat sa puso ko na para ng nagiging manhid yung problema ko, that's opposite how Vance is making me feel these days. I feel like I am floating and flying.

Parang lalo tuloy akong naging aware sa presence nya like he's always been there pala. Hindi ko alam how do I explain this but laging sa kanya na lang dumadapo yung tingin ko and whenever he's near para akong kinikiliti but at the same time I feel so much peace that it kind of bothers me din.

"Bakit ang lungkot mo these days?" tanong nya. Naka kunot yung noo nya like he's really concerned about everything about me.

I looked at him saka bumuntong hininga. "Wala, Vance. I am just tired. I'm fine," palusot ko.

Nag pa- lusot ako na wala lang and I am okay because that's much easier to say than saying that I am not. Because, I really am not okay but I won't admit that.

Tumango sya and he pressed his lips saka tumango. "I don't believe you but okay."

"No, really. I am fine. Don't worry about me." I don't know if it's him that I am convincing o ang sarili ko.

"How can I not be worried? You are not your usual self. I often notice na halos inuubos mo na lang yung oras mo dito sa office and you don't go often on lunch. Isa pa. Dahil nga hindi ka kumakain, your coffee intake---"

"Okay! Okay! I get it na! I am not okay but I am fine," pag amin ko sa kanya. Wala naman ng sense kung ide- deny ko pa eh alam na alam naman na nya.

Lalong na lukot ang mukha ni Vance. He looks cute when he's being sympathic because he's pouting. "You want a drink? Let's have a drink," aniya.

He offered me something na hinding hindi ko matatanggihan lalo na ngayon kaya tumango ako.