Nights Like This

CHAPTER 34

Iniwan namin ang kotse ko sa company becasue Vance insisted na sya na lang nag mag d- drive because according to him, my mind's too occupied para mag drive pa. I said na kaya ko naman but he doesn't want to risk it at baka bigla na lang akong matulala tapos kung ano pa ang mangyari sa akin so now, I am sitting on his passenger seat of his car while he drives.

Naka sandal ang ulo ko sa bintana na naka bukas habang dinadama ko ang hangin and it helps me to calm myself down. Tinatahak namin ang isang pamilyar na daan and I know where he'll take me. Saan pa ba may alcohol kundi sa ZONE17.

"Are you good?" ani Vance sa akin. Ramdam ko na he's glancing at me every now and then. My gaze is fixed outside kahit na pa- ulit ulit na buildings lang naman ang nakikita ko.

"I'm good," sagot ko sa kanya.

"We'll stop by in a restaurant before I let you drink."

I looked sideways para makita ko sya kahit na madilim sa kotse nya. The only thing that gives us light are the lamps na nadadaanan namin. I requested for him to turn off all the lights because I prefer it that way. Pinag bigyan nya naman ako sa gusto kong mangyari.

"Hindi ako nagugutom," sagot ko but he violently looked at me habang naka salubong na ang mga kilay nya, halatang hindi nagustuhan kung ano yung sinabi ko.

"Pinalampas na kita kaninang lunch, Camila, because you said na busog ka pa and that's six or seven hours ago and you haven't eaten anything yet. If you want to have a drink, you need to eat. Alam kong gutom ka na pero wala ka lang ganang kumain but you need to. If I need to force you, I would," sabi nya sa akin.

Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay. "What? You'll force me? I'll report you!" pabirong sabi ko sa kanya.

"I'm sure the police will agree to me that you are neglecting yourself at this rate but no. I will never force you with anything that you don't like unless you have to," sabi nya.

There's like a warm feeling that flashed through my whole body na para akong kinapos ng hininga for a moment habang naka tingin sa kanya. He just looks so casual and cool driving on his seat pero parang gusto ko na syang yakapin. Hindi ko rin alam.

Right here and then, I just wish that he share the same mindset with my family. He'll force me to eat because I have to and I need to but them? They're forcing me their plan but I don't have to do that because I don't have the need to. It just seems that I need to do it because they're coercing me to it. Alam ko kasi na may kapalit. Hindi na because of willingness but fear.

I sighed.

"I know and I am aware of the fact na guwapo ako but please but don't stare at me like that while I drive," aniya sa pabirong paraan pero hindi tunog mayabang kasi totoo naman.

Napa bawi ako ng pagkaka titig sa kanya na hindi ko na re- realize na nagawa ko na pala. Tumikhim ako't napa kurap ng ilang beses habang binalik ko na naman ang tingin ko sa daan because I don't know where else I would look.

Iniliko ni Vance ang kotse sa isang restaurant na nadaanan namin that's not familiar to me and he asked me what I want to eat eh hindi ko nga gustong kumain so sya na ang pina pili ko. I gave him my card pero tinitigan lang nya then he walked out at hindi kinuha. I waited for him inside of the car while he gets our food.

Isnandal ko lang ang sarili ko and I am getting bored so I turned the radio on. Wala naman akong ibang malibangan because I turned off my phone para hindi ako ma bother ng mga hateful texts ni Mommy. She's mad but she just keeps on bothering me.

An song played. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang title ng kanta at kung sino ang kumanta but it speaks to me on a personal level. It summarizes my whole existence. Para rin nitong tiningnan yung kaluluwa ko, wrote my story as a lyric and acompanied by a sweet music.

Ubos na ubos na ako at pagod na pagod na akong manahimik pero hindi ko sila susukuan. They can try and come at me but I am not gonna let them win this. I will not let them force me this time. I am gonna welcome all their madness and wrath.

Ipinikit ko ang mata ko and let myslef to feel the hollowness that the song left me na kahit naramdaman kong naka balik na si Vance at nilagay na nya ang food namin sa likod ay hindi ko pa rin iminulat ang mata ko habang naka yuko.

Siguro tapos na sya and we're ready to go pero wala akong naririnig na kahit ano mula sa kanya. The only noise that I can hear in the car is the radio na hininaan nya pa but he's not even talking.

"You can cry," he finally said.

Inangat ko sa kanya ang mga mata ko but no tear fell from it.

"I cannot," sabi ko sa kanya. Agad namang bumakas sa mukha nya ang pagtataka. "Because once I start crying, I will be crying the whole night and I don't want to do that."

Because hanggat kaya ko, ayaw kong ipa- kita sa kanya yung pinaka worst ko. Crying is the least that I want to do now.

***

Buong akala ko, sa ZONE17 ako dadalhin ni Vance and doon kami tatambay but instead, he brings me in a subdivision na hindi ko alam kung sino ang naka tira dito pero hindi naman sya hinarang ng guard at tuloy tuloy lang sya sa pag pasok. Dumaan kami sa bar kanina pero hindi na nya ako pina baba at pag balik nya, dala dala na nya yung mga alak.

At I don't know what's going on with Vance head at gusto nyang rito kami sa playground. Sumilip ako sa bintana to confirm at tama naman ako na sa play ground nga kasi may mga seesaw and slides.

"Do you live here? Bakit dito?" nagtataka kong tanong sa kanya habang pinapanood syang bumaba ng kotse while me isn't even removing my seatbelt.

"Yes, I live here at dito tayo kasi walang iistorbo at makaka- kita sa atin dito. Buhay lang 'tong lugar na 'to pag umaga at hapon because of the kids and they can't play here now because it's almose bed time so we have this whole place," paliwanag nya.

It makes sense to me but at the same time, it didn't.

"Why not on your house? May tinatago ka no?" I tiled my head at his direction and mapanuri syang tiningnan.

"Wala. Ano namang itatago ko roon? Kung gusto mo dun ka pa tumira para makita mo," sabi nya saka inismidan ako at tinulak ng paa nya ang pinto para sumara.

Dali- dali kong tinanggal ang seatbelt ko at bumaba saka sumunod sa kanya.

"Eh bakit hindi?" tanong ko sa kanya habang hinahabol sya.

Vance stopped walking and looked back at me.

"Ayos lang naman sa akin pero hindi ba masyadong mabilis?" aniya.

I crunched my forehead, wondering what he meant by that. When it started to sink in to me, halos batuhin ko sya ng heels ko at halos maging kamatis sa pula ang buong mukha ko.

"What the heck Vance!" ani ko sa kanya. "What I meant was bakit hindi sa bahay mo tayo uminim na lang dahil naman mas convenient doon and not bakit hindi as a consideration of living to your house!" anas ko sa kanya.

"Ah... akala ko naman," Tumawa sya saka nilapag yung dala dala nya na alak at mga pulutan sa isang bench na malapit. "Kasi nga gusto kong makalanghap ka ng sariwang hangin para naman mahimasmasan ka kahit paano. Look at the sky. Hindi mo 'yan makikita ng maayos pag nasa loob tayo," aniya.

Inangat ko ang ulo ko at kitang kita ko ang tatlong tuldok na naka hilera sa taas. It's great to see The Orion's belt right before my eyes.

Inabutan ako ni Vance ng isang can ng beer saka sabay kaming umupo sa swing. I pushed myself slightly gamit ang paa ko't ganun din si Vance. It's so unusual to see two adults in a park wearing corporate attires getting drunk in a playground but this is so thrilling. He's right. I like this so much better than the usual.

"So?" aniya. Niliningon ko sya.

"So, what? Ano?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"What's bothering you?" He's looking at me now, anticipating what I am going to share. Wala na yung mapang asar nya na aura kanina. Seryoso na sya ngayon at handang makinig.

"Are you sure you want to hear some family drama?" tanong ko sa kanya.

"Of course. Just dump it all on me lalo na kung 'yan ang makakapagpa- gaan ng loob mo," aniya. "But before that, do you want me to give you an advice after or do you want me to just listen to you?" tanong nya.

"Just listen. Hindi ko kailangan ng advice because I know exactly what I want and what I will do," sabi ko sa kanya.

He pressed his lips together and nods his head. "Okay. Fire it up."

I told everything to Vance. Everything that happened, everything that I have been feeling and everything that I have been keeping inside and yet I didn't hesitate on telling him all of that that I am now on the verge of crying and he's just looking at me like he wants to take all the pain away from me.

"T- that was my last straw, Vance. That was..." Huminga ako ng malalim habang kinakalma ko ang sarili ko to stop my tears from coming out. Naka ilang lunok at hingang malalim pero nag iinit pa rin ang sulok ng mga mata ko.

He hastily dropped the can of his beer on the grass at pinutol ang distansya naming dalawa. Hinigit nya ako pa tayo at yinakap ng mahigpit like that hug would protect me from all the pain and all the hurt.

And that made my tears fell.

"You can cry. It's okay. You can be yourself. I'll be here with you," bulong nya sa tenga ko.

Lalong nag bagsakan ang mga luha ko dahil sa sinabi nyang iyon. Pakiramdam ko may kakampi ulit ako. Pakiramdam ko valid ako. Para akong bata na umiiyak habang yakap nya't wala syang ibang ginagawa kundi haplusin ang buhok ko at bulungan ako na ayos lang, magiging ayos din ang lahat.

I have never cried this much in front of someone kasi pakiramdam ko, iisipin nilang mahina ako. Pero kay Vance, parang ayos lang na maging mahina ako kasi nandyan sya to be strong on my behalf.

I feel so naked.

Naked in a sense that I am this vulnerable in front of him. Pakiramdam ko nakita na nya lahat sa akin. My mind, my emotions and my soul. All of that. But I don't regret it because ginusto kong makita nya rin iyon. Unang beses na imbis na galit ang ipakita ko, I allowed someone to see the real thing instead. Kung ano yung nararamdaman ko sa ilalim ng galit na ipinapakita ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto ang nag daan bago humupa yung iyak ko habang yakap yakap nya ako hanggang sa maramdaman ko na lang na basa na pala yung balikat nya at ayain nya akong bumalik na ng kotse. I rested my head on the head rest saka pinikit ang mata ko habang hinihintay si Vance na bumalik habang kinukuha yung mga dala namin na halos hindi na rin namin na galaw.

Little did I know, nakatulog na ako ng tuluyan.