X-City

Logan 1:

I don't remember much about my childhood. Mostly the feeling of numbness and darkness. It was such a peaceful feeling being suspended in what could only be described as incomprehensible. Waking up was such a culture shock. Feeling nothing and waking to light and sensation itself bombarding me. People wonder why we cry most times.

Remembering my childhood came in waves of blackness. Knowing something is there but not knowing what. The only signs were me knowing and seeing things in my head and in my dreams. Things a young child should never have to see. Things i somehow knew of and could comprehend. Like the darkness has become a friend. Dreaming of monsters who hurt me. i was thrilled when they killed me in creative ways. Those monsters were my heroes because their very existence was artistic to me. Deep down, there was a longing for me to understand them. Maybe i could be strong like them. Maybe i could know why they do the things they do.

Friends weren't really something i grew up with in abundance. Most of my time was spent disconnected from a world that i felt this detachment from. Feeling like the best thing i could do for everyone around me is to not show that darkness in me. That darkness that i was so fascinated with knowing. An "affinity for death" as my therapist called it. Was i this way because i felt so alone and different? what made me this way? The teachers loved my writing but i could see the concern on their face. They said i was gifted but i knew that they were talking with my parents. There was so much kept away from me as far as the truth. To this day i still don't know what happened or why. I just knew i was here and that i was built broken without knowing what really broke me.

The only thing that really defined me was a spiritual reading that started it all. I was told that i was born with 2 souls in one body. Lucifer himself caged inside and longing to come out and one person with a pure soul sent to teach and guide him to a life of compassion. Am i lucifer? All I've known is this dark pit of a feeling in my stomach my whole life. As i grew older i just felt myself suppressing so much of myself and my darkness because giving it light drove people away. It's all been something i could barely handle let alone anyone offering help out of kindness. Those in the light ran from me and those in the dark treated it like a competition. They all wore the same words on their lips "I'm here for you".

I've grown to see over the years that words mean very little. The words "i love you" became a formality with people just passing through. It meant little to me. I'm Lucifer after all. Why else would my aura have wings? Reading after reading they said the same things: "you're an angel. you're very powerful. but there's a deep darkness inside of you that you'll battle for the rest of your life. you'll have a choice that's either to burn the world down for what you want or live without a voice in the background as everyone else finds happiness.". Will i ever be that chosen happiness for anyone? That question wasn't answered and likely won't be until i just get out there and live.

I've learned over the years that darkness doesn't have to rule my heart. With that darkness I've done so much to help people. I've known of my wings even before my reading so i used to ask myself what angels do. They watch over people and help them to find their own way. So i planted seeds in people's lives. i had conversations and thought deeply about where my actions and interactions with people would lead them. Sometimes and quite often, it led them to a very painful place but a place of necessary pain. I never needed to plan anything either. Just examining the natural course and letting it happen. Sometimes i would secretly fend off consequences for people. Buy them more time either because i couldn't fathom leaving at that point or because they needed that last time before goodbye. The time always came where i unwrapped my wings and had to trust them to live with the seeds i planted. The things they couldn't see. To see would defeat the purpose though. For them to know what i helped them accomplish would dismiss the work they did. Why would i take credit for what people did to and for themselves? Why take credit for simply silently seeing and offering words that will later surface in the back of the mind. Words they'll never fully remember where it came from. Simply because the most insignificant moments were where i would help most.

Even with all that, they always left whether i wanted it or not. By left i don't mean permanently. When i say people leave, its them transitioning out of being a significant part of your life. That moment where you look at someone who talked to you every day and spent so much energy trying to be a friend or more. Someone that became constant for a while. Thinking deeper about it, I believe in love because there were people that never left. People that never passed over that barrier of superficial. The few but they gave me hope that i don't have to live alone. Expecting people to walk away after what i see and do. People ask "how do you know?". I never know exactly what will happen but i understand what situations have to offer a person internally. Knowing a person deep enough is a matter of seeing how they act from a raw perspective. Forgetting what they are to you but seeing what they do with what they have, how they learn, and how they face adversity. I don't do this by creating problems for people which is something my friends have had serious doubts and trust issues around. I can't honestly blame them though. How could things end in such a way without actions? I cannot live another person's life for them, i can simply give them perspective from the extreme multitude that i can offer. I can simply examine what a person needs to hear that will reach them. often its not the words but something i know an upcoming situation will make them reflect on.

People have come and gone but what's most important to me is what i leave behind. I don't have to be lucifer. I will be Logan.