X-City

How long have i been here? I feel like I've been sitting in this room for days. The room is dark but there's this dim light. A tv is in the center of this room on the floor. When i look on the screen i see familiar faces. All my friends and family just going about their business without me. I'm not there anymore, I'm simply here sitting and watching my life on this screen alone. My hand find their way to change the channel but it's the same program with a different outcome. Nothing goes back. Almost like drama class where people improvise off of one another's scenarios. I put my hand on the screen and it pulls me in. I open my eyes and people are talking to me. Somehow, I have a full understanding and context of what they're saying. Yelling fills my mind with incohesive words. It shouts over everything so i excuse myself from the conversation to the bathroom. The voices are so loud and i don't know what to do. Time passes and it doesn't dissipate so i go back regardless of the noise. Everyone is joking about my long bathroom trip like they know what i was doing. If only i could just tell someone. How could i ever? I'm truly and utterly alone no matter how full this room is. Everyone's face becomes a blur and my heart sinks in my chest. They couldn't see me anyways even if their faces were crystal clear, high definition. Those i tell usually say the same things: "go back to therapy". why? so they can fill me up with drugs and send me out the door? That or they take an interest and taper off. Everything is fine when I'm stable but when s**t hits the fan for me emotionally, i either isolate or the few people i do reach out to just don't know what to say or do. I don't want to live this life. I'm going back to that place. Take me home. My eyes close and I'm back in that room with the tv. Theres a bowl of popcorn and a soda there for me. It's infinite and here i have power. Just me, my food, and this screen i call my life. Look at them laughing and smiling. Maybe i just wasn't meant to be behind the wheel. Maybe I'm just too far gone. Each day i change the channel and tune into a new program with the same story. Everything is okay without me. Everything is better without me. These actors actually get chosen by the people in my life. Second i step in, everything slips away from me. I'll leave it to the pros. At least I can live vicariously through them. Watch life come together and peak in to the life they made. Cause I just don't want to ruin what they built. To my friends, family, and loved ones... this is me signing off. Clark is dead and what's there will be what you're happier with. Goodbye.