THE NEW ME VERSION 2.0

Chapter 16

I've noticed people watching me since Monday. It was as if the world suddenly split into two camps. The first is a place I'm familiar with, where no one knows I live. But then another faction came along and gave me all sorts of stares.

Disgust, pity, cunning. I don't know if it's because of the graffiti or because of Friday's outing with Aiden. or both. But not in this library. I'm safe here Organize with all themes and letters and numbers: Philosophy, Social Sciences, Languages, Engineering, Literature, A-B-C-D, Item 1, Item 2, Item 1-2, Item 3. everything will be very rich

There is no room for error or misunderstanding.

"Hey," he said suddenly, standing with me in the narrow hallway. I flinched and almost fell out of the book.

"I was scared!" I whispered.

"Again," he said with a smile. "I'm sorry." He pauses as if he's really scared to go near.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asks.

"You were the one who was mad, not me." But that's not entirely true either.

"I was never angry, just confused."

I want to tell him that I was confused too. I want to tell him how happy I am to see him and how grateful I am that he doesn't look at me the way other people look at me today. But we cannot admit it. I have to be sure, strong and confident because there is something in him - I don't know exactly. It makes me so vulnerable.

“Hey, can we start again?” he asks. If anyone can redo it, it's me. I'm going to try again tonight in my bedroom. But that's not possible, so I told him,

"No, it's not."

He looks down at his hands as if he's really upset or upset or annoyed.

"Right," he whispered, turning him to leave.

"But I can..." I touch his hand. he turned around. "Continue. Shall we?"

I’m done. He took a step towards me and there was a new light in his eyes.

"Yes, I think I can."

I nod. And I smile to myself. Because I just fixed it—me. "Does that mean we have a phone number?" he asked.

"I appreciate that," I said with a laugh. He is also laughing while taking out his mobile phone. I give him my number; I want this moment to end with him standing near me and smiling. Since he uses his phone number, I decided it was time to set some ground rules for when he would call me later in the evening to ask me out on a date.

"Before I go back, I really want you to understand that this is not a boyfriend-girlfriend issue."

"Yeah, you made that very clear earlier."

"I mean, we're not going on dates or anything like that. I don't want to introduce myself to my friends. I don't want to walk hand in hand down the hallway or wait for you in the locker. I absolutely do I'm not a girl cheering you on from the sidelines at a basketball game.”

"Wow, you really know how to make people feel special, don't you?" he said with a laugh.

"It's not about you," I told him, but I couldn't believe how utterly selfish I sounded, how utterly selfish I was. "Oh yes. Anything else?"

"And I never want to see your parents."

"Well, we can agree on that."

"Okay." Wow, it's on fire. I think it represents how I should feel towards him. "It's not about you," he imitated sharply. "OK."

I have a break.

"Eden, how old are you?"

"why?"

"I don't know, I'm just thinking. It's hard to say. Look..." He doesn't stop. "Can you see anything?"

"You know, they know... don't know. Everything looks either very mature or quite the opposite.”

"Do you really think calling me immature does anything useful?" I laughed.

"It's mostly funny, or even offended, but I can't say."

"No, no, I didn't say that!" he stepped back. "You say you look like an adult."

"Or vice versa," I reminded him. "I didn't mean to," he laughs.

"Yes, but what are you? About sixteen?"

"Sure," I lie. fourteen. But my birthday is coming up soon and I will be 15 years old. That's about 16. I ask him,

"Okay, so tell me. Yes, no. What do you think?" After pondering my command list for a few seconds, he inhales and exhales, says,

"I think you're really weird," and pauses.

"But I really want you to come back." I felt my mouth curl into a smile. So that night he sneaked me past his parents and up the stairs of his apartment bedroom and the next night. And for the past week, almost every night. And every day things seem to take a little bit, his hands move a little more freely over my body as if testing the limits. But this is night. I made up my mind before I got to his house. he told me earlier that his parents were out of town for his cousin's wedding. Perfect. It just has to happen because I can't wait any longer.

So every moment we were together I was fearless. I worry about what will happen, what he will do, how he will act if he hurts me. And I, what I do, how I feel. Other than tonight, I'm really scared when I'm fine. I am too scared to breathe. i think i have a rash Fingers, hands, wrists, forearms, whole body, brain, and oh my god, this bullet is lodged inside me and makes me want to vomit.

We are standing by his bed. he comes to kiss me Be normal Be normal, Eddie, I tell myself. Be normal, repeat in your head. now. I take a breath and walk away from his kiss. I start unbuttoning his shirt one, two, three, four, five, six. my hands are shaking they hardly work. God, why did I choose a button-down shirt? I will investigate. Stiffen my new bra. Because it is lace and purple, it matches underwear. I dropped my shirt off my shoulder. I carefully look at my hands. It looks great, no rashes. okay, okay, okay - I exhale - okay, okay, okay.

I used to pull the heel of my sneaker with my toe and push it aside. I unbutton my jeans and pull them up over my hips, buttocks and thighs. I look at my feet socks. You can't have s*x in socks – that's stupid. I am careful not to fall when I take off my shoes and when I put them in my shoes. It feels like ice underfoot. He's still dressed and just staring, but it makes me feel ugly and stupid.

I'm starting to think maybe he's disappointed with what he's seen. Of course, I know I'm not the prettiest or the sexiest. I can feel his arms crossed over my chest. I suddenly wanted to run. From him, from yourself, from your life, from your past, from my future, away from everything, run far, hard and fast. he pops right out. His shirt caresses my skin and he pulls it over my head and drops it onto my clothes. Take off your socks while wearing your sneakers. Our ditch quickly disappears - I was stunned when his hand suddenly rested on my hip, neither flinching nor jumping off of him.

Some kind of wild, agitated rage. He tripped on his shoe and hit his foot against the bed frame. He looks detached and confused. I'm so stupid my face is on fire, I want to die and hide and disappear.

"I'm sorry," we both said at the same time.

"Are you all right?" He reaches out to help me grab hold of him, but he won't touch me anymore.

"I'm fine," I sighed. He stepped back, put his hand in his pocket, and tried not to see my bra.

"Look, you don't have to - I mean, neither do we -"

I unzipped his pants and he stopped talking. He stopped thinking about it because he was going to take it off. He held his breath as I pulled his hand out of my pocket and put it back on my belt. And my heart, my lungs, my brain stop because my underwear is suddenly all over the place Ankles, he too, and I felt his body against mine, and we were lying in bed, legs hairy, things happened so fast, his arms around me and my hands are shaking and I don't know where to put them And I hope he doesn't notice. he stopped kissing me i open my eyes he sees my naked body I neglect my body too. But all I see is a big, gaping scar.

It somehow still seems to happen everywhere now and then. I hope he doesn't even notice. He touches my skin as if it should be touched, and slowly says,

"Eden, you really..."

"Shhh, thank you, thank you." I stop him before he finishes.

"Don't say anything." Because no matter what he thinks of me, I don't. And no matter what he thinks of my body, it's not. My body is a torture chamber. It's a hell of a crime scene. Horrible things are happening here, but no talking, no commenting, no loudness. I never have. I can't hear you. He looks at me like I'm crazy, mean and rude.

“What I meant was that you…” And I interrupted him again because I might be crazy and mean and rude.

"I know, but please don't do that. Don't tell me what it is, just…"

"Okay, okay. I won't do it." He seems to think it's not worth it anymore. I am very particular about keeping things clean. I try not to see his body because he is scared of my body. But I put my hand around his back, my fingertips quivering over my skin, tracing the outlines of bone and muscle. I pull him down so his chest and belly touch mine. He kissed me tenderly, as if I was fragile and needed to be treated with care. But it feels too comfortable, too pretty, and meant for someone else, someone like me, or rather someone I would have been.

He takes out something from the bedside table. We don't know what it is until he breaks the package. Sounds run through your brain. It shakes something inside me. And I want him to know this trembling place deep inside his heart. know everything. I want to stop time and tell him every moment of my life so far. Because he has no idea who I really am. I want him to know how innocent I feel right now. To know exactly what I believe in him. But there are too many things to fit into this tiny, cramped space. Unable to hold thoughts long enough to comprehend. My heart is beating dangerously fast. My skin is burning, my chest is tightening, my lungs look stiff. I can't breathe well, I know that much. Tingling in fingers and toes. Things start to blur and go back and forth again. Like looking into a kaleidoscope and getting dizzy, the space, the way it spins, makes the world feel like it makes no sense at all.

The currents drifting in this mysterious place revitalize the air.

"Are you all right?" he asks quietly. I nod. Of course I'm fine.

“Okay.” He wanted to kiss me again, so he breathed into my mouth and gently stroked my face and hair. I'm sure he always gave his perfect kiss.

A well-mannered, perfectly normal, even-tempered ex-girlfriend—a soft, weak creature who never had a secret bullet. He takes the weight off me. During my planning, preparation, and imagination, the reality of this moment remained hidden from me. A year ago I wore underwear like this, but now I'm lying naked on my back in bed watching a man I barely know put a condom on. it's real This is actually my life. And it happens. This is what is happening now. There is no going back. Not that I want it. Nothing to rely on, nothing good anyway. I want to be as far away from the past as possible and to be as different from this girl as possible.

"Okay, are you sure?"

I nod. I was so scared only once. You can feel your heart beating faster. At first you feel the blood flowing through your veins, but then you find that it stops flowing, stops pulsating, and stops flowing.

It leaks out unstoppably, flooding my body with water and I almost die. Focus your gaze on the small crack in the ceiling. It started in the corner by the door, branched out like lightning, froze for a few nanoseconds, and ended in the middle of the bed. I'm trying To calm yourself down, don't be afraid. I will focus on him, his breathing. And then I list all the things I don't like him, as if I'm not unlike him. And when someone flips a switch in my head, everything stops. As if a wire was cut somewhere. I'm offline, I'm offline And things fade away in this still silence void.

I have a vague idea of ​​when it will end. I was vaguely aware of his touching my face, vaguely aware of the words that came out of his mouth. I'm alive, I'm successful

"Very quiet, baby," he whispers softly. Already only his eyes were open, as if he suddenly opened his eyes. And I'm watching because I have a flash to watch.

"I didn't know you... do you know?" He fingered my arm up and down. He pulls the sheet slightly tight against his body. I don't know if it's good. I can feel him staring at me, waiting for me to say something. .

"Yes,"

I whispered to confirm. I know it's right I think he's trying to put his arm around me but I'm not i'm not moving I don't know what will happen next. He seemed to stare into my face longer than I expected, and finally said, . .

“You seem weird or upset or something. ”

"I'm not upset," I protested quickly. My voice was on the verge of panic, but it sounded like I was in shock, so I gently added, "Not really."

"Then why are you acting like that?"

"What? What am I doing?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. "So why are you mad at me?" I feel my heart beat faster again.

"No, I mean I'm not doing anything."

"What should I do?" I hurried to my feet and suddenly realized that he might have received what I hadn't given. And apparently I wasn't giving him anything he wanted. I frantically search for clothes in my bed.

"I don't know what else you want..." I don't know

Wait until you find out. He is sitting now. "Wait, what are you doing? Are you going?"

You will find a bra. "Yes. Could you look back?"

"What?" he laughed.

"Can't you see my clothes?" My hands are shaking. It doesn't reach

"Are you serious?" he asked with a quiet smile on his face.

"Yes. Aren't you looking at me?"

"Don't look... what are you talking about? Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you understand?" he said, putting my hand on my finger.

"Stop. Just a bit. What's going on?" he asked, looking at me. I don't know how to express it, but perhaps indifference, satisfied anger.

"It's time to go," I said in a really flat, calm voice. And I don't know why.

"Are you mad?" he asked in disbelief.

"are you mad at me?"

Am I crazy or maybe so, but that's not all. I'm not happy and still scared. And I'm confused because I don't understand why I'm still scared, why I'm still sad, why I'm angry. This should settle things. It should help.

"oh. Perfect, right? ' he said to himself, smiling and clearly annoyed. "What, are you going to use it against me?"

"What are you talking about? Nothing against you!"

She folded her arms over her stomach and looked strangely defenseless. he pull his knees to her chest and wrap his arms around.

"Look, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what it is." He stumbled at the words.

"I mean, is this an unpleasant game for you or something? Some kind of test or something like that? or something like that do you do that with men? It's really bad." He was out of breath, his voice quivering as if he was really upset.

"Sick game? No" Is it a test? Ok, maybe. I thought I'd ask you for a favor?" I say to him, even if it's an outright lie.

"How are you going to ask me to do anything? Are you making me feel like I'm forcing you to do something you don't want to do?"

"If you really want to know, much more than the other way around."

It takes a while to get over that insult.

"Wait, am I forcing you? Oh my God, I can't believe it! You're acting like..."

“I have to go somewhere,” I lied and interrupted him. I get up, pull the towel and get dressed as quickly as possible. "I can't stand it!"

Pull the shirt over your head while wearing your shoes. When I look at him, he sits very quietly and just stares at me. Then he didn't shout, but almost whispered, "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine!" I hear my voice rise. All muscles feel tight and heavy. "I don't want to hear what you really think, what you really want from me!"

"Oh my God..." he began to speak, but quickly stopped. "What about me?"

"Forget it!" I try to keep my composure even when I'm trembling with anger. I went to the door, turned to him and felt something The pressure builds up in your throat and the words you want to shout pulsate.

"Forget the devil!"

I've never yelled the F word so loudly to another person before. I feel his eyeballs boil in his eye sockets when I look at him, and he stares at me like I'm mad. And his figure in front of me begins to blur And crumpled like a mirage - I have to go, because I know the tears are coming. And don't cry in front of boys. more than this.

Start now. I ran out of his room. At one point he half-heartedly called my name, not because he really wanted me back, but as if it was an obligation. I push the door behind me as hard as I can. I wiped my eyes. i go home.

The next day at school I saw him walking down the hallway with his backpack in the middle. So of course I pretend I'm going to find something in my closet and pretend I don't notice. They're the kind of people who need constant attention to themselves, so don't say too much, Too loud, taking up extra space and laughing like a hyena from hell, always wondering if they're laughing at me. I hate people like that, but I can't help but look when they pass by.

There is no way to undo the devastation of yesterday. As I watched him say something to the Joker walking beside me, the Joker looked at me. When you look at me, it looks like you're mentally calculating an unknown criterion. I met Josh's eyes for only a moment. But you may die, or I threw up, so I quickly go back and check the contents of my closet to remind myself how to breathe.

"Hey," he suddenly said, leaning against the closet next to mine, it's incredibly close. People have to watch now.

"Hey," I said, but I felt so stupid, stupid, stupid - how I yelled at him, how I walked away. The way he sat on the bed and looked at me. We just stand facing each other without saying anything, both trying to pretend not to notice the gazes of passers-by on us. I closed my locker and forgot what I really needed for the next class. Shake the combo disc, spin it, and it won't stop.

"So... “ He finally started, but he's not finished yet. And more silence.

"Oh, just kiss!" Jock Guy yelled down the hallway. Aiden waved at him as if to say,

"Damn, get up," and he muttered, "I'm sorry. Look, I know you're still angry, but..."

"What did you say to him?" Hang up.

"What?" He turned and watched his friend leave. "none."

"Well, nothing. You must have said something to him. I see how he looks at me now. mia: I didn't say anything. Listen, I'm just here to apologize.”

"I don't do that. 'I'm sorry, it's okay, just... whatever.'

"Yeah sorry." He stopped and waited for me to say okay and quickly apologize. When it became clear that I wasn't going, he added, "I don't know why, but I'm still here."

A piece of paper to take with me. "What is it?" I ask God to look. he is very good at it "Not anthrax, my god mia. just take it.”

He walked away without saying a word and didn't even look at me.

Mia,

I feel bad about last night. I still don't know what happened, sorry. my parents are still out If you want to come later, you are most welcome. I want you, but I understand if you don't want it. You can also stay there overnight. Let's do nothing, I promise. I could have just hung out. I do not care. . . i just want to see you I have a game today, but I will go home at 8 o'clock. I look forward to seeing you again. A.