The Third Person (English)

Part 5

It’s been a month since I live alone in this 3×4 meters sharehouse room. There is only Marta who’s been staying by my side. That porcelain white-skinned girl often stays at my place, especially on weekends, where we get a day off from work. We would spend time together watching the latest Korean dramas or just chatting about various things.

But not this weekend. Marta will be busy preparing for her wedding with Simon. We hugged earlier in the parking lot and she apologized for not being able to accompany me at this time. I said that I will be fine even though I know I will feel lonely in the boarding room. I am blaming myself for being an introvert who prefers to lock herself up than mingle with the sharehouse mates.

The rain falls quite heavily, soaking every inch of the ground, giving off a distinctive aroma. Flashes of lightning crash across the darkening sky. It’s still late afternoon, but the dark clouds make it look like nighttime. I have just arrived at the sharehouse, right after the rain falls, touching the earth.

After cleansing my body and filling my stomach, I lay staring at the ceiling of the room, accompanied by the sound of rain, which somehow brings me a feeling of deep sorrow.

Here in this small room, I am alone. Completely alone. Nobody knows I live in this place, including my parents-in-law, Adi, and Melati. Only Marta knows.

I intentionally didn’t tell our parents. And Adi, my husband in law, hasn’t contacted me at all since our fight that night. Meanwhile, Melati called me several times, asked me to come home, and apologized on behalf of Adi.

I ignored it. Why should I return there, while my husband does not even look for my whereabouts.

Finally, sleep does visit. I fall asleep with the dried-up tears, and then a knock on the door wakes me up.

Who?

“Assalammu’alaikum.”

I lazily open my eyes.

“Assalammu’alaikum.” A familiar male voice returns to ring in my ear.

I grab my hijab and put it on, and then walk towards the door. I turn the keyhole and pull the doorknob. In a second, the door opens.

Ferdinand. The man is standing in front of me, soaking wet in some parts of his clothes, shivering.

“Ferdinand. What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.”

After inviting him to sit on the terrace, I go inside to make a cup of hot tea and hand him a towel. My share house consists of sixteen doors with rooms facing each other. And the hallway in front of our sharehouse is indeed a terrace for receiving guests. So, guests don’t need to go inside the room.

And here we are now, sitting side by side with him in a long chair made of woven bamboo.

The rain has changed to a drizzle. We both still haven’t exchanged a word, busy with our thoughts.

The sharehouse is so quiet. Only two girls were seen, who had greeted us earlier. They just got home from work.

“What is it?” I ask, breaking the silence between us after Ferdi sipped his tea and dried his hair with the towel I gave him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, looking at me closely.

“About what?” I know exactly where this is going, but somehow, I ask him back instead of answering.

“About your marriage gives you nothing but pain.” Ferdi looks at me with pity. I look away, not wanting to stare at him for long.

I am a wife, after all. Sitting alone with him makes me feel bad about Adi. But I can’t bear to drive out the man beside me who seems so messed up lately.

“I’m just doing what a wife should do. It doesn’t feel right for me to talk about my household to other men.”

“Why does it have to be like this? Why didn’t you try to reject it at that time?”

I exhale, trying to unravel the tightness that is squeezing my chest.

I know exactly how the pain feels like, Fer. I know!

“I have to think about my parents’ feelings, Fer. Sometimes... fate has to be this cruel. Forcing us to be with people we don’t love, even worse, people who don’t love us.”

Ferdi’s lips open, about to speak. But I move my hand to my lips, gesturing to him to stay quiet.

“Don’t come to see me again. If we accidentally meet, let’s pretend we don’t know each other. Find another woman who is better than me. I don’t deserve you to love me this much, Fer.”

By Allah, I try to be strong. I adjust the intonation of my voice to sound as calm as possible.

Ferdi looks at me sadly. The flash of wound and pity merges into one. Maybe he wished me to part with Adi. But he didn’t have the heart to say it. I know Ferdinand is not a man who will take advantage of others’ problems.

“Fine. I’ll pretend that we don’t know each other.” Ferdinand didn’t mean it. I know it. His eyes tell the opposite as if asking me to stay by his side no matter what my current status is.

****

Befriending this sorrow

Befriending this pining

How I am longing

You the one who drives me to ruin

Send to @anyelirsecret.

Still, with the lingering feeling, I carry on with life even if it means I have to wobble.

In the corner of this industrial city, I look up at the sky that is studded with thousands of twinkling stars. Tonight, the sky looks so majestic. I sit in front of the sharehouse on the bench alone, toying with my phone, just wasting time.

It is Saturday night. Most of the residents of the sharehouse choose to spend their time strolling or just hanging out at a regular café, or even just to spend the night in a city park.

A message comes in on my IG.

Melati: [Go home. Someone’s secretly missing you here].

I open my eyes, trying to decipher the message that my co-wife just sent.

Who would miss me? Could it be that Mom and Dad are at Adi’s house?

Me: [are my Father and Mother there, Mel? When did they arrive? You didn’t tell them I moved out, did you?]

Five minutes have passed, but there is still no answer from Melati. I grow worried. Then there’s an incoming call on my phone. Adi’s name flashes on the phone screen.

I blink a few times. Maybe my eyes deceive me. But when I look again, it’s Adi’s number for real. What’s he calling me for?

I hesitantly slide the green badge across the screen. I hold the flat object made in the country of handsome oppas to my ear.

“Assalamu’alaikum.”

It’s quiet. There is no reply from the caller.

“Mel.” I don’t have the confidence to mention Adi’s name. Nothing, just, it seems impossible that Adi suddenly contacts me.

“It’s me.” But instead, I hear Adi’s baritone voice from across my place.

“Wh — Adi?” I spontaneously shoot up, utterly startled.

“You’re here?” Adi’s voice is not like on the phone. The voice sounds real right here. Is it possible?

From the tail of my eye, I catch the silhouette of a body near the main gate. Instantly, I turn to the road to my right. And I see Adi, leaning against the car door with his phone still in his hand. He smiles a little at me.

He gets me astounded. For a moment, I just freeze where I stand. Making sure this isn’t a dream. Does Adi know I live here?

Adi walks towards me with wide and confident steps, as usual. My heart is pounding uncontrollably. It’s been a long while I didn’t see him, making me feel awkward.

Relax, Anye. Adi being here doesn’t mean he loves you.

“We’re going home now,” Adi says quietly when he finally stands in front of me. His body towers over me.

“I — I can’t.”

“Pack your things now.” Adi holds my hand and leads me into my room.

“Leave the door open.”

I don’t want to cause rumors. The boarders here know me as Anyelir, a single girl. Indeed, I hid my status on purpose. What am I showing off for? It’s just a sad marriage, after all. There is no happiness at all in it.

I stand dumbfoundedly, staring at the man who is busy putting my things into the suitcase.

What’s wrong with Adi?

“Come on, help me!” he commands, glancing at me, then returns to do the thing that should be done by me.

“I like being here.”

Adi stops his hand movements. He looks at me. This time with a different expression. Not as friendly as when he first came.

“Then I’ll stay here,” he decides.

Adi says it earnestly. But I realize it isn’t because he loves me. I don’t know. I just sense that this guy in front of me is up to something.

Forgive me, God, for my prejudice.

“People will think we’re a cohabiting couple, Di. I don’t want to cause trouble.”

“I can just tell them then. We’re lawful husband and wife in the eyes of religion and state after all.” Adi walks towards the door, closes it quickly then locks it.

“Di....” I’m still stunned, cannot comprehend the sudden change in his attitude, which is not as cold as he’s always been.

Adi takes off his shirt and jeans, leaving a white T-shirt and shorts above the knee. I turn my face to stare at somewhere or something else. A strange tingle suddenly hits me, seeing Adi only wearing the clothes.

However, Adi touched me once. And even though my mouth and brain refused him at the moment, my body responded differently. I enjoyed it when Adi’s firm fingers overtook me. And right now, we are alone in this small room. The heat that I used to feel every day since there is no air conditioner here, now gets even hotter.

Anye, don’t think too far!

I sit on the bed, turning on the TV without really watching it. My mind is busy wandering in wonder with Adi’s sudden change of attitude and speculating about the possibilities that make him suddenly decide to show himself in front of me.

I text my landlady, explaining to her that my husband will stay in my room tonight, and send a wedding photo as proof. Although the landlady seems to be surprised at first, she believes it. Stay permit business is complete. Now move to the way we sleep, there’s no way I can sleep with Adi on the same bed. The size of the mattress is too small and...

I close my eyes. Adi couldn’t have done it, Anye!

The bathroom door opens. Adi comes out looking fresher with slightly damp hair.

 “You got towels?”

I reach to the plastic cupboard, take out a new towel, and give it to him.

“Have you eaten?”

“I have.”

“What do you want to drink?”

“What do you have?”

“Tea and milk.”

“Just tea.”

I hurry myself to make him tea.

“Here you go.” I hand the cup to Adi, who is sitting on the bed.

“Thank you.”

I choose to sit on the carpet a little away from him.

“Sit here.” Adi pats the mattress beside him.

“You’re not coming home? Melati is alone.”

Adi doesn’t flinch. His eyes are straight towards the TV, while his mouth is busy sipping slowly the tea I made earlier.

“Di. Why are you here?”

“Am I not allowed to see my wife?”

Did something bang Adi’s head before coming here?

“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Adi moves to put his tea beside the dispenser then lays down on my small bed.

I take a deep breath. Give in, I finally choose to lie on the carpet next to the mattress.

“Don’t sleep there. Come here. This mattress is big enough for both of us.”

“I’ll just stay here.”

Adi chuckles in annoyance. He reaches out to me, hands shooting out, ready to lift my body.

I glare at him. “I can do it alone, Di.”

I totally give up, moving to the bed. Adi lays beside me. We lay back to back.

“Sorry.”

I remain silent, still not believing in Adi’s change of attitude which makes me shudder with horror.

“Sorry for my attitude all this time.” Adi again expresses his apology.

I don’t know how to answer. On the one hand, I am happy that Adi came to me out of the blue and apologized. But on the other hand, suspicions arise in my head. Yes, I am curious if Adi is up to something by coming to see me.

I don’t refuse to believe myself that now Adi has opened his heart to me. Impossible! Melati is too perfect compared with me. So, I’m sure there must be something in this, and it’s related to Melati.

“Nye.”

“Hm.”

“Let’s go home tomorrow, okay?”

“I’m comfortable living here.”

I feel movement behind me. Then, a hand snakes on my waist, holding me tight. I almost scream if I didn’t remember that man is my husband.

Slowly I try to remove Adi’s hand from my waist. I’m uncomfortable with this. The reflection of Adi finally asking for his rights creeps into my head. I am not ready. Really. But Adi seems to remain unbothered by my reaction. Instead, the straight-haired man with yellowish skin and slanted eyes like a Korean oppa tightens his embrace. Not only his hands, but his body is now also pressed to mine.

“Di. Don’t.”

“Quiet. I just wanna hug you.”

Finally, I let Adi hug me. I try to close my eyes to ward off the strange rustle that had creeps into my chest. It’s not the first time Adi has touched me, but his gentle treatment makes my heart warm and my heart beat faster.

Love may yet to be requited

Pining may yet to be reciprocated

But the act has this stone heart softened

This is, God willing, not a mere wishful dreaming

That only by tomorrow blackens to agonizing reality

@anyelirsecret

I share my thoughts on Instastory to express what is inside my heart right now, after hearing the soft snoring of the man who is hugging me from behind.

I smile and then close my eyes slowly, such a beautiful night. In my heart, I ask the Almighty and hope for more nights like this in the future.

Continued.