The Third Person (English)

Part 20

Anyelir

You... you are a selfish mother

I’m selfish?

I could only laugh bitterly, remembering those words slipping out from Adi’s lips. It is as if I am stabbed by a knife. My wound, which was still wet, now gapes even wider. It’s painful...

I am a selfish mother, Adi said it so recklessly. He said that I put my feelings first, without caring about Lathif, who needs love from his parents, especially in his growing period. Things he has never felt in these fifteen months, even since he was still in my womb.

Is it true that it’s all my fault?

Adi...

Remembering that one name makes my chest throbbing in pain again. I don’t know what God means to bring his face to me again. If I may ask, I don’t want to see or have anything to do with him ever again.

For me, Adi is still Adi who will never be gentle with me or even appreciate me, at least as a woman who is willing to give birth to his child without him.

The night will soon turn to morning, but my eyes still won’t close. The shadows of our debate this afternoon overpower my mind, leaving me restless.

Am I really selfish?

If I am selfish, then what should I call Adi who was so greedy – marrying two women at once for different reasons?

I let out a long frustrated breath to loosen my chest.

My gaze then turns to Lathif who is sleeping soundly beside me. He is a gift from God in the midst of my sorrow. He was the light during the breakdown of my household with Adi. Even though his presence was unplanned and expected, Lathif was the only reason for me to stay tough to continue living even though I had to stumble and crawl.

I don’t know exactly when I finally drifted off to sleep until Mom’s voice from behind my door startledstartles me.

“Anyelir, wake up, it’s dawn already.”

I blink, trying to block the blinding light of the lamp. After staying still for a while to gain full consciousness, I get off bed and head for the door.

“Mom,” I call, as soon as I open the door.

“Why don’t you just come in? I didn’t lock the door.” I rub clean the dirt on the edge of my eyes that feel lumpy.

Mom ignores my words. She then leans her head slightly into the room. “Lathif is still sleeping?” she asks without me answering because, indeed, the figure we are talking about is still fast asleep.

Then Mom examines my face and exhales slowly. “What time did you sleep last night?”

Ah, Mom must have noticed my black eye bags.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” I honestly tell her.

“Okay, we’ll talk later. Now it’s time for prayer.”

I nod obediently.

*****

Drama happens almost every day when I go to work. Lathif keeps crying, roaring, making my steps towards my workplace feel hard.

With a heavy heart, I leave Lathif, to work, to meet our needs. My motorbike drives through the township and after that it passes through the highway. The village where I live is quite remote. To get to the boutique where I work, it takes at least thirty minutes.

Some of my colleagues have arrived and are tidying up clothes on the mannequins and display racks to make it easier for customers to choose the clothes they want.

"Assalamualaikum," I greet them, and then they answer in unison.

I head for the lockers at the back of the boutique to put my personal belongings. After that, I join other colleagues, working according to our respective duties.

*****

The day goes by so fast. Eight hours of work felt like a short while because of the time-consuming work. Today some of my co-workers and I were busy putting sequins on a wedding dress for the town official. The dress is ivory white, with a clock shaped lower part. The back part of the skirt is deliberately made not very long, according to the customer’s request.

I wipe the beads of sweat flowing from my head that run down my forehead and eyebrows as the red light stops the pace of my motorbike. This afternoon, the sun is still scorching my skin, making me swelter. Tiredness from working all day also starts attacking my body. All the hard work I do is to meet all the needs of my flesh and blood because who else if not me. My parents are still able to bear the costs of my life and Lathif, but I don’t want to be a bother. Being a single parent with the status of a widow has tarnished their faces. I just don’t want to put any moreanymore burden on people who have been willing to take care of me since I was a child.

I get a little annoyed when I find Adi’s car parked in the yard when I arrive home.

Patience, Anyelir.

I can only rub my chest, hoping that my patience would increase so I can face Adi’s stubbornness and selfishness.

I leisurely walk towards the terrace. Lathif and Adi’s faint laughter can be heard in the middle of my steps that are getting closer to the house.

Until I arrive at the doorway which is left open.

“Assalamualaikum,” I say with a small smile then walk into the house.

I immediately grab and kiss my father and mother’s hands and then kiss Lathif’s cheek, ignoring Adi’s existence.

“Lathif misses Mama?” I ask, looking closely at my little hero who is sitting on Adi’s lap. I don’t even spare a glance at the man.

Lathif only glances at me then returns to focus on the robot toy on his tiny fingers.

I do not give up, back to seduce Lathif to come with me. Honestly, I want to take Lathif off Adi’s lap. There is a sense of displeasure, seeing the closeness between Lathif and his real father. I wonder why Lathif gets along with Adi so quickly. As it turns out, the father-son bond cannot be broken so easily, even after I hid Lathif’s presence from Adi.

“Come on, honey ... let’s lie down in bed, Mama will read you the storybook again,” I persuade him again.

“Nnao...” Lathif rejects me and it makes me feel sad.

“Just let him be with his father,” says Dad calmly.

“He’s right,” Mom adds. “You better take a shower first, so that your body is refreshed.”

I sigh and exhale slowly, and finally give up, leaving Lathif with Adi — his father.

*****

I return to my room after finishing my bath, passing the living room to find Dad is busy reading the Al Quran translation, which is his routine every evening. Meanwhile, Mom is in the kitchen cooking dishes for dinner tonight.

Once I get in front of my room, I push open the wooden door that is slightly open. For a moment, I am fixated on the scene in front of me. Adi is lulling Lathif to sleep by muttering Sholawat Nabi (salutation upon the Prophet). My heart trembles to hear it, there is a flow of emotion creeping up in my chest.

But when I think back to Adi’s treatment of me when we were together, it sends my angry feelings back to my chest.

With wide steps, I approach both of them. Standing on the side of the bed, I hold back the anger that envelops me. I want to throw him out, curse him harshly, but I don’t want to wake Lathif who has just fallen asleep.

I clear my throat slowly, trying to distract Adi from Lathif.

Adi turns his head with a faint smile on his face ... Ah, I just realized Adi’s face is a little dull with a few pimples on his face.

“Anyelir,” he says.

“You can go now,” I say coldly without feeling the need to thank him for putting Lathif to sleep.

Adi remains silent, only looking at me closely which makes me a little nervous. I cut my gaze on him and now turn to look at Lathif who is sleeping while hugging his favorite bolster.

“Anyelirs ...”

“We’re not mahrams (lawful couplescouple), Di. You better get out of this room!”

“Then, can we talk outside?” he begs.

I exhale tiredly. Honestly, I don’t want to argue with him anymore, but I think back to what Dad said last night when we had dinner together.

After all, Adi is Lathif’s father. Dad knows you are hurt because of him. But I think that after half a year you hid Lathif, it is enough to heal your heartache.

Make peace with yourself, Dear ... and accept him as Lathif’s father.

We are old, if something happens to us, we will not be afraid because you have made peace with your past.

*****

In the end, I oblige him to speak privately with Adi. I take Adi to our backyard – not just to avoid the questioning stares of the neighbors, but because this place is also worthy of a chat for us who are not mahrams. Besides, Mom is still busy in the kitchen, struggling with her cooking. Meanwhile, Dad just nodded when Adi asked his permission to talk to me.

We sit on a metal bench some distance away. The evening breeze feels like a drug, leaving us astray in silence for a moment, bringing along the thoughts that make me flinch for a mere second. The sound of the twigs rubbing against each other accompanies our taboo togetherness.

From the past until now, I still can’t guess how the mind of the man beside me is working.

In the past, when I thought he sincerely apologized for ignoring me, it turned out he only obeyed the wishes of the woman he loved. There was no sincerity in every word of apology he said.

All just sweeteners so that I didn’t leave his side right away back then.

Through the tail of my eyes, I know that Adi has been occasionally turning his head to look at me and then returning to throw his gaze forward.

I still don’t know his real purpose to come here besides meeting Lathif, because I doubt he really loves Lathif until finally the word sorry comes out of his lips again.

I close my eyes to hold back the pain that is gnawing at my chest again. For some reason, his sorry is like a knife that tears my wound even deeper.

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday afternoon,” Adi says slowly. His breath sounds heavy. “Again, I hurt you, I – I ...” Adi chuckles painfully, unable to continue his words.

I turn my head to see the expression on his face, and it turns out that Adi is also looking at me. Our gazes meet.

Adi’s gaze is so intent but I can’t interpret it. Finally, I decide to turn my face away first.

“You know, Di. If at that time I told you about my pregnancy, maybe you would turn to me... but that didn’t mean you really wanted me, because you would only do it out of your responsibility for my pregnancy.”

“Nye ....” Adi tries to interrupt, but I interrupt him first, raising one of my hands.

“I would get hurt even more and would probably lose Lathif due to the stress... because of your unfairness to me and him,” I say again.

“I realize that, that’s why I came here to make up for my mistakes to you. Please... for Lathif’s sake.”

Continued.