The Third Person (English)

Part 19

Adi

Just as the old times we can never go back to, so are the mistakes we have made. No matter how much we try to apologize and change, our mistakes have left a mark on the hearts of those we hurt. And when that regret comes, it’s just too late. Everything will no longer be the same.

That’s what has come over me, my regret for wasting my first wife.

Anyelir.

****

I went to her house after a week of Melati’s death. Honestly, there was a chunk of regret after we divorced. I didn’t even know what regret it was about, I didn’t know for sure. But I stuck to my ego that I never want to tie up or have anything to do with things I don’t want, likewise for Anyelir, a girl with a simple and modest appearance, who became my wife because of an arranged marriage initiated by our parents. I chose to let her go. So when she sued a divorce because she couldn’t stand my attitude towards her, I agreed despite being confronted by Melati.

The house on the edge of a rice field with a semi-permanent building looked deserted. I stayed still, unmoving for a while before getting out of my car. I tried to manage my mixed feelings, sad and afraid that Anyelir refused to see me.

I finally got out, walked towards the closed wooden door, and knocked lightly.

“Assalamualaikum.”

The voice of my ex-mother-in-law, whom I used to call Mom, answered my greetings. Then the door opened slowly. Mom smiled, even though I could see that she seemed a little surprised to see me. I immediately greeted, kissing the back of her hand solemnly.

“Adi, come on in, son.” Mom invited me while holding my hand to enter the house.

We sat side by side on wooden chairs. There was silence for a moment, and my gaze circled the room, looking for the person I wanted to meet.

“I’ll tell Anyelir first,” said Mom as if she understood my purpose here and I just nodded my head.

Several minutes passed, My mother-in-law appeared with her following from behind. This woman looked different. Her body was a little fuller and her face looked glowing even though I knew she didn’t have any make-up on. Mom left us in this simple living room after serving me a cup of tea and a jar of snacks.

We sat separated by the wooden table. There was silence for a while until I spoke first. I gave the letter that Melati wrote before she – my second wife left forever.

I could see the sad look on Anyelir’s face when reading Melati’s letter. She said she already forgave Melati and I thanked her for that.

Then, a voice that startled me made us look at each other. The sound of a crying baby could be heard in one of the rooms of this house.

Anyelir rushed into one of the rooms that I knew was hers. I could still vaguely hear her trying to calm the baby, and soon the crying stopped. Then, Mom came out and sat beside me. I looked at Mom questioningly.

“His name is Lathif,” said Mom, without looking at me. She stared out the window which revealed the darkening sky.

“Lathif...” I muttered.

“The womb was three months old when you were divorced,” said Mom, which further strengthened my suspicion that the baby named Lathif was my son – my own flesh and blood.

Why did Anyelir hide her pregnancy from me?

“Why did you do that to her?” This time Mom looked at me with a deep disappointment.

I was silent for a moment. Then, in the end, I was only able to utter my apology, “I’m sorry, Mom,” I begged as I looked down deeply.

“Me and my husband were very angry when they first found out why Anyelir sued for your divorce. But she was determined to continue the divorce and decided not to tell you about her pregnancy. The reason was that you didn’t want her, let alone her child. Is that right?”

Mom’s voice trembled. It makes my heart feelfelt like it was being torn apart. How had Anyelir been hurt because of me?

“We were mad at what you did, but Anyelir forbade us to meet your parents. Because of our guilt that we have matched her with you, so we obeyed, because we thought it was the best for her. And the divorce happened.”

I was really, deeply sorry. From the start, I should not have accepted the matchmaking so that I didn’t hurt my parents, Anyelir’s parents, especially Anyelir herself.

“Please forgive me, Mom. But if Anyelir had told me about her womb at that time, maybe the divorce would never have happened.”

Through the tail of my eyes, I saw Anyelir leaving the room, then headed for the kitchen.

“Apologize to her.”

“Can I see Lathif, Mom?” I begged. After all, he is my flesh and blood. I’ve missed times when he was in the womb. Now I wanted to make up for the elapsed time, hugging his tiny body, singing him a lullaby, or reciting God’s beautiful verses.

“All decisions are up to the Anyelir.”

*****

It’s been half a year since my meeting with Anyelir that afternoon. I only intended to give Melati’s letter to her, but then I had to feel the deepest regret that tore me apart. When I finally found out that Anyelir gave birth to a baby who is none other than my flesh and blood.

And those sentences that reflected Anyelir’s wounds still ring in my head to this day, driving me almost insane with guilt and regret at the same time.

“You’re so cruel... Di.”

“Now, please forget us...”

I squeeze my hair which is now slightly longer. Frustrated and exhausted by Anyelir’s refusal to me, making me careless about my appearance. Anyelir doesn’t want me in her life anymore. Even now, she is so reluctant to even look at me.

I understand. The pain when I constantly ignored her is still carved in her. And I admit, when I did it with her that night, I was carried away by the flow of passion. I did not do it out of love, I realized that. But I’m not sure if at that time I said Melati’s name. Moreover, I did not expect that all the deeds that night grew a new life in her womb.

I don’t know how many times I have returned to Anyelir’s house. Since I know that she gave birth to my child, my guilt for her has mounted time by time. Sometimes I hate myself who was blinded by my love for Melati until I ignored the other one that God had given me.

This afternoon, after surveying the building for my new distro store branch, I hurriedly steer the wheel towards the village where my son lives. Previously, I stopped by the supermarket first, bought toys and snacks for my little hero. I don’t care if this stuff will end up being rejected by his mother or end up donated for the orphanage, as happened before.

The simple house that is now painted green is now visible to my eyes. I immediately get out, not forgetting to take two large plastic bags on the back seat. My smile grows when I see the figure I’ve been missing. Lathif stands in the doorway, clutching his toy. The cute boy who is now fifteen months old just looks at me innocently. This is understandable because so far, I haven’t been allowed to even say hello to him. Yes, Anyelir has really punished me by keeping Lathif away from me.

I hurry up my footsteps so that I quickly reach the boy who is still standing there. My smile breaks wide, imagining that I will soon hug him.

“Assalamualaikum, Lathif.” I kneel down in front of him while showing my best smile. Hopefully, my son is not afraid of my presence or runs away or even cries.

Lathif is still silent. His expression looks full of questions, and his perfectly rounded eyes stare at me. I pull out the toy car I have bought, trying to distract him as well as persuade him.

“Lathif, do you want this?”

He just glances at the toy car in my hand, then turns to my face. His tiny hands hesitatehands look hesitate to touch it.

“Come on, take it. This is for Lathif,” I persuade him again.

Then, he puts down the toy in his left hand and with both hands takes the toy car in my hand.

“Kao..” he mutters, which immediately makes me smile broadly. It’s the first time I hear his voice. My heart warms up, a feeling of joy creeps over my chest. A joy that I never felt before. My child. My flesh and blood, at the age of fifteen months, is already able to speak although not very clear and already walks by himself. Oh God, thank you so much.

I cannot fight back, a drop of clear liquid flows out of the corner of my eye.

“Can Papa carry you?”

“Pa?” he says, imitating my voice and I nod.

“Come to Papa.” I stretch out my hands to carry him. Although he hesitates at first, finally. Lathif approaches me. I don’t want to waste this rare opportunity. I’ve been waiting for six months, only to embrace him. His little hands cling tightly to my neck. My feelings are now bubbling with joy, happiness wrapped in immeasurable emotions. I pepper kisses on his fat cheeks many times.

“Adi.” I am quite surprised to find Mom standing in the doorway. Her face looks sad even though she tries to cover it with a smile on her face. I’m sure she already knew my arrival earlier but purposely let me interact with Lathif.

I greet her, “Assalamualaikum, Mom.”

“Wa’alaikumsalam.”

“I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t ask permission to carry Lathif.”

“It is okay.”

“Where’s Anyelir?”

“Not home yet, still at the shop.”

Somehow I’m sad to hear that. She shouldn’t have needed to work if we didn’t split up. She should have been here with our son if I hadn’t been stupid during our marriage.

“Come on in, Adi,” says MomMom inviting.

I mutter my thanks, feeling grateful because Mom still treats me kindly even though I have hurt her daughter. One step of my foot on the floor of the house, suddenly I hear a familiar voice which holds my steps from going further.

“Don’t touch him!” Anyelir yells out furiously.

I turn my head and find Anyelir getting off her motorbike and walking quickly toward us.

“Ama,” Lathif calls out to her, smiling so bright at finding his mother home after work.

“Lathif now plays with Grandma, okay.”

“Ama.”

"Okay then, with Mama...” I let go of Lathif from my arms, letting Anyelir hug her son.

“Anyelir, we need to talk,” I insist. I think it’s enough that she punished me by keeping me away from Lathif. That’s enough. I want my child to grow up with enough love from both parents.

“Honey, I want to talk to this uncle for a while.”

God, it hurts so much to hear Anyelir callcalls me uncle — not Papa.

Lathif looks at me for a moment, and I offer him a smile. Then, he turns to look at his mother and nods faintly. Anyelir then hands Lathif to his grandmother, who has been silent watching our interactions. I can catch the sad look on her face. There is not a single parent in this world who wants their child’s household to be destroyed and end in divorce. Tragically, I am the one who cloudscloud that middle-aged face. My selfishness ends up hurting a lot of people.

"I warned you. You don’t have to bother coming here to visit Lathif or....” Anyelir glances at the plastic bag I brought which I have put on the grass. “Bring those.” her eyes look back at me sharply, “I can still support my child alone,” she says without the slightest hesitation on her face.

“Lathif also needs me as his father. Please, let me make amends to you and fix everything. Don’t torture me like this, Anyelir.”

“Too late,” she snaps quickly.

“Anyelir ...” I plead.

“Go.”

“I beg you... anything, anything you ask I will provide as long as you allow me to take care of him.”

Anyelir shakes her head firmly, “Never.”

“Please, whatever you want, I will give you. Just for you to let me – “

“You are ready to give all your wealth to him. The house, the car, the deposits, and your business.”

“Anyelir,” I hiss, can’t believe what this woman in front of me just said.

“You mind?”

“I don’t mind or anything. But, Lathif doesn’t only need material things. He also needs love from me as his father. If only at that time you had not hidden your pregnancy, Lathif would not have considered me a stranger.”

“Whoa, so this is all my fault?” Anyelir asks sarcastically. I cannot answer. “Then you think what you did to me while we were married was right? You never cared or even considered me as your wife. Your kindness, and the attention that you gave, were only of Melati’s request. You never wanted me, Adi ... never.” She stops for a moment. “Then is it wrong if I also thought that you wouldn’t want the baby I was bearing?” Anyelir’s eyes are already watering, making me feel even more guilt-ridden.

“But at least, if at that time you told me the truth, I could consider our divorce again. I wouldn’t divorce the woman who was carrying my flesh and blood. I’m not that jerk, Anyelir.”

Anyelir turns her face away, trying to hide her tears that have escaped her eyes. I’d love to embrace her if I forget that we are now nobody.

“I’m tired, Di… please… don’t ever see us again. Just pretend I never existed in your life."

“You are selfish!” My emotions explode, getting a rejection from her. How can I? After finding out there is a child among us, she told me to pretend nothing had happened. I am lousy as a man, but I don’t want to be lame as a father. I will do anything to be with Lathif.

“You only think about your feelings for me, you ignore the feelings of your own child,” I say. Anyelir glares at me, and I return her glare. “You ... you’re a selfish mother.”

Anyelir doesn’t flinch. Her sharp gaze gradually turns sad with more and more tears. The look she often gave me when I ignored her or refused the food she cooked. I used to ignore that look, I want to do so right now. However... this time somehow my heart is torn apart.

... I have hurt her again. The mother of my son.

Continued.