The Third Person (English)

Part 18

Anyelir

A year and a half later...

If someone says I’m stupid, naive, or whatever, I don’t care. What I know since the painful incident at the villa that night is that my heart and pride were shattered. But instead of showing my anger to Adi about the incident, I was mostly silent. I chose to prepare our divorce by myself without telling the real reason.

Even Marta called me stupid countless times already. However, her angry face made me laugh at that time. But I didn’t want to discuss that gloomy night with Adi or Melati. I patiently waited for Adi to remember and say sorry for a month-long.

But until more than one month after that night, Adi never apologized or gave any explanation. It made me even more determined to part with him. After finishing my resignation at the office, on the same day, I left Adi’s house with two large suitcases, as well as scratches from which I could not recover.

Drops of clear droplets just dripdrips off as I remember those times, though I try my best not to cry anymore.

However, as more than a year passed, the pain becamebecome even more intense because of a pure being who is sent by God after the gloomy night. It keeps reminding me that man’s name.

Adi...

*****

The evening breeze hits my face, infiltrating the plain robe I am wearing. Then it gently strokes my long hijab, sending coolness to the depths of my heart which is still blue.

Here I am now, in the village where I was born. A village located in the city known as Kota Kembang – The City of Flowers. The city where I got married and separated from a man who never loved me. After moving to another city to live with my cousin there to seek solitude, I returned to Bandung as soon as the delivery day was nearing.

Every household is indeed meant to face many choices and problems. And in the end, after trying to survive between Adi and Melati’s strong love, now I finally give up, after some times trying to melt Adi’s ice-cold attitude.

The solitude in the middle of the green expanse as long as the eye can see reminds me again of bits and pieces of what happened months ago before I decided to sue for divorce.

“It’s too salty.” Adi spat out the fried rice I cooked for him. Again. The dish I made after countless times of trying finally got rejected by him again. There was always something in my cooking that displeased him, whether it was too salty, too spicy, or over-cooked.

“Who made this?” he asked searchingly.

“Me.” Me and Melati looked at each other and answered in unison. Melati might mean well to protect me, but her attitude made me feel even more inferior.

“So which one of you, exactly?” asked Adi again who started to look annoyed.

“I did, Di. I’m sorry,” said Melati, gently stroking Adi’s arm.

Adi turned to me, demanding an explanation, with the gaze he would never give to Melati. Sharp, cold and heartbreaking, making me feel even less meaningful in his eyes.

“I did,” I confessed, at last. Not wanting to hear any of his grumblings, I immediately stood up and took the entire plate containing my fried rice. But Melati prevented me when I was going to take the plate in front of her.

“No, don’t throw it away. Let me eat it. It’s not salty though, maybe some of the salt is still clumpy. Maybe you didn’t stir it long enough,” she said calmly with a smile on her lips, trying to encourage me.

I let Melati finish it, then hurried to the kitchen, sat on the floor with my knees hugged tight. I could not hold back my tears which finally spilled anyway.

I exhale slowly to get rid of the bad memories of my marriage at that time. It still feels like a dream that my marriage, which had just run aground for a few months, was ended by the judge’s hammer beating.

“Dear, come on in.” Mom’s soft voice asks me to come into the house.

The sky is already getting dark.

I walk along with Mom’s footsteps, walking slowly toward the house. Stepping into the living room, I am startled by the presence of someone I don’t wish to see for the rest of my life.

Mom understands my reluctance. The petite woman with a motherly face rubs my shoulder softly and says, “Meet him. He deserves to know.”

I look at Mom’s face. She nods reassuringly and smiles.

With heavy steps, I draw closer to the person who has been staring at me with an incomprehensible gaze. We sit across from each other, separated by a rectangular wooden table.

I lower my face, unwilling to see his face again. The awkwardness is so obvious. We are still mutually silent for several minutes. Every now and then I hear his sigh, I am only able to close my eyes, hope my anger which has flared up months ago subsides so that I won’t spit out words that might hurt him and smudge my lips.

“Anyelir,” he whispers. I remain silent and look down.

“Sorry if my presence annoys you. I just want to give you this.”

I see him putting the white envelope on the table and pushing it towards me.

“It’s a letter from Melati before she breathed her last,” he explains, which makes my body frozen stiff and stare at him sadly.

“Innalillahi wainnailahi raji'un (We surely belong to Allah and to Him we shall return),” I mutter softly.

I take the envelope and open the sheet which I believe was written by my late ex-co-wife.

For my beloved Anyelir

A line of a sentence that eventually makes my heart warm.

I'm sorry that I had to appear between you and Adi. I just want to spend the rest of my time in this world with the man I love. That is all. I have not the slightest intention to snatch Adi from you. Really, I can feel the pain when you were treated unfairly by him.

Anyelir...

Maybe when you read this letter, I am already at peace by His side. So please forgive me. Please. Forgive me.

My tears spill instantly. I didn’t expect Melati to leave this soon. I feel guilty because I hated the woman who is now by God’s side. Now I understand, my ex-co-wife didn’t ever mean to hurt me, she just wanted to spend the rest of her short life with Adi, the love of her life.

Oh my God, why didn’t Melati just say it in the first place? Maybe if she chose to be honest with me from the start, I would stay by Adi’s side even though he didn’t love me.

Ah, but it’s all too late...

“One day after our separation, her condition dropped. And I just found out that she suffered cervical cancer at that time,” Adi explains. His tears are pooling up in his eyes. My chest tightens upon hearing this.

So all those times, Melati was sick and chose to hide it from me and Adi?

May God forgive us all, and your sickness becomes an antidote of your sins and delivers you into His heaven, I say my prayers for her in my heart.

I fold the letter and put it back in the envelope. I look at the man in front of me who looks so fragile. Adi must have been at a great loss after Melati’s passing.

“I’ve forgiven her,” I say.

“Thank you, Anyelir,” he replies with a faint smile.

We both turn our heads towards the same direction – the room where we suddenly hear the crying sound of a baby coming from. For a moment, we throw glances at each other. Adi’s curious face is now clearly visible. Instead of giving him an explanation, I quickly leave him to go to my baby who is crying.

“Shhhh honey, you must be thirsty.” I take my baby, whom I named Jalaluddin Muammar Lathif, from his grandma’s arms.

I sit on the edge of the bed and immediately do my duty, giving him the nutrition he needs.

“A typical baby boy needs breastfeeding more often,” says Mom. Her hand rubs my back gently as support. “You have to eat a lot more nutritious food, don’t be afraid of getting fat.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Adi went home already?” I shake my head slowly.

“Alright, I’ll see him now.” I nod again.

I can only guess what is about to be discussed by my mother and my ex-husband. I return to focus on Lathif in my arms. My cute baby starts to drift off to sleep and releases my n****e. I put Lathif on the mattress slowly. After blanketing him and making sure everything is safe and clean, I leave, intending to get a drink because my throat feels dry, paying no heed to Adi and Mom who are still talking.

Luckily at this time, my Dad is not at home. If he is here, then Adi will not linger here for so long.

After drinking, I hurry back to the bedroom, but my steps stop because Adi is waiting for me in front of the room which door I have closed earlier.

Our eyes meet. I stare at him flatly while Adi glares at me. Unlike a few minutes ago, he no longer looks sad.

“So, he’s our son?” he asks, cutting off the crap.

Sure. Mom must have already told him. I glance at Mom who is already back to doing her earlier activity, reciting Al Quran. Though I’m sure she can still hear our conversation.

“He’s my son,” I say without hesitation. “You don’t have the right to see him let alone touch him. He’s my son... the child I conceived alone without my husband being there for me. So, you have no right to call him your son,” I slightly raise my voice.

“Don’t fight here. Finish it in the living room instead. I’m going to my room,” says Mom. Then her body disappears behind the bedroom door that is left slightly open.

I’m still unfazed, holding my ground in front of the room. Meanwhile, Adi already sweeps a few steps towards the living room.

“There’s nothing else we need to talk about.” My words make him turn around and look at me angrily, but I don’t care. “So please leave this house and never come back. Let us be happy in our way,” I continue.

“Anye, please!” Suddenly Adi walks fast towards me and unexpectedly begs, going down on his knees. His hands are about to grab my feet, but I flinch, taking a step back.

“Why are you acting like you suddenly love Lathif? You never even spoke a word about what happened that night.” My voice trembles while holding back the tears that are ready to spill.

“What do you mean?” Adi looks confused by my words, seen from his frown. Then he gets up.

I laugh bitterly, “Don’t pretend to forget. You really are... ” I take a breath and then exhale harshly. “Go!” I’m not ready to say it yet.

“What do you mean? What do you mean by what happened, Anyelir?”

“Go!”

“No. I won’t go until you explain everything.” Adi approaches me. “Say, what do you mean?”

I close my eyes for a moment to gather the strength to reveal the story of that night to him. If this is indeed the right time, then I’ll tell him everything. So, he will understand thatunderstand, that I left him because of his fatal mistake.

“That night… at the villa, we did it. You remember?” Adi nods, listening carefully, while my eyes are burning up because of the tears that threaten to spill out. “You – you said her name after we did it.” My tears finally break. It’s hard not to cry when I remember that terrible night. “You’re cruel ... Di.”

Why does it hurt so much, God...

Adi is dumbfounded hearing my explanation. His eyes are perfectly rounded and he repeatedly shakes his head, trying to deny my words.

“No way,” he mutters.

“But that’s the truth, Di. You said her name once you were done with your rut.”

Adi is now silent but still shakes his head weakly and reaches out to try to grab my hand again, but I immediately brush it off.

“Now, please forget us ...”

Continued.