Just Rose

Chapter 38

Rose went home later that afternoon, feigning a headache and apologising to Abby for ruining their plans, but she just needed to be alone to think. Everything she had learned about Morag was swirling in her head and her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces with all of it.

It tainted everything she did for the next few hours. Took all enjoyment from her life. Her mind, a swirling mass of conflicting thoughts and emotions, robbing her of her sanity, and as much as she tried to put on a brave face, even Muffin was sensing something was wrong. Following her around needily and whining up at her every time she sat still.

She pushed her phone into her bag on silence and ignored his texts, ignored when he called her later that night, unable to bear the sound of his voice. Unable to look at his name on the screen. Her heart prickling and heavy with the realisation that it was never going to work, that seeing Morag that way, seeing the extent of what he was dealing with, just put an end to everything.

She couldn’t do this anymore and it was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done in her life; she needed to break things off, for her own sanity and for him too. This relationship was on a one-way road to destruction and if they kept going on this way she would end up hating him or vice versa. Morag was always going to come between them and Rose deserved more. She wanted normal; love; a relationship and happy endings. Kids, marriage, a life. None of that was possible if things were always going to be this way.

She tried to resist the temptation to read his texts, but weakness got the better of her. She missed him more than she could bear, and she knew she was only delaying the moment that would cut her heart out. Mostly they were just updates on his trip and that he missed her. That he would catch her when she was not busy. He would just assume she was with Abby and couldn’t answer or was in her studio where she never took her phone, so she had peace.

The normal tone of his messages ripped her heart out, she felt like she was dying inside, he had no clue about the change in her and what was coming and the thought of hurting him only made her ache more. She sat staring at it numbly, tears pouring down her face as her phone vibrated again.

Another text, asking if she was upset with him as she was not responding. It had been a couple of hours and he knew she usually responded eventually when it came to him. Even if she was with Abby; she never usually just blanked him completely. She stifled a sob as another text hit her screen.

‘I think I get it Rose... I spoke to Abby. Talk to me baby. xxx’

He was making this so much harder already and she had not even told him. She was losing resolve to stay strong and wait for his return to do this face to face. She couldn’t keep ignoring him, it wasn’t fair. He had done nothing to deserve this.

‘Is there nothing I can say?’ He barely left a minute between texts, sensing somehow, he would get no response. She bit her lip, holding back the tears inside, hurting so much more now that he knew what she was thinking. He knew her well enough to be able to piece it together.

He would have known from a brief conversation in which Abby would have told him about Morag’s visit. She would have told him about the fight and the following conversation. What Abby had told her about Morag and their past; Abby told Rob everything. She had no secrets. Part of why she loved the girl was because she was honest and open with everyone. He would have guessed at what she was thinking, maybe even coming to the same conclusion a million times before himself. The fact that this situation had no end. That their future was as bleak as the last few weeks had been. That sneaking around would always be part of the relationship and Morag would always be there, always in the way. That it was not about needing more time, Morag was never going to be ready.

She picked up her phone, her will breaking and the need to reply to him overwhelming her.

’I can’t do this anymore.’ She had no idea how else to say this, even typing those few words was breaking her heart into a million pieces; she needed to say more but she had no idea how to tell him that she needed to walk away for her own sake. She typed another text immediately, feeling the need to try, afraid to let him respond when she had so much more she wanted him to hear first.

‘I have thought about this all afternoon and it just keeps coming around in circles. It’s ripping my heart out, but I need to end this Rob, before it destroys us. I love you so much, but this is killing us and it’s not working.’

There was a long pause, her hands trembling. Reminiscent of the first time she ever texted him weeks ago about being her slave for a day, but this time it was far more devastating. Far more real. She knew that his response was going to tear her apart. Her mind was made up and even though she was dying inside she knew it was the only way.

She sat with her phone in hand for over ten minutes waiting. Barely breathing, unable to look at anything else. Tense at his lack of response but knowing she could not keep sending messages into the emptiness and crying silently as her body wracked with pain.

Finally, her phone vibrated, and she turned it over with trembling hands.

‘I know! I have known for a while; I said it would destroy us. I have felt us falling apart more and more the longer we go on. I won’t try Rose, I love you too much to make this harder for you. I don’t want to get to the stage where you hate or resent me for it, just know I’m always there if you need me. No matter what. Xxx I love you Penelope. Always.’

It was the worst goodbye she had ever had in her life; this was not how she had wanted it; she wanted to feel him against her one more time. To feel his arm’s pull tight around her and push away the world for one last moment. To have their one last time, so she could cling onto him and burnish those memories into her brain for eternity.

She slid down onto the couch, dropping her phone silently. She had nothing she could say to him that would make any difference now and her mind was so overwrought that typing would have been impossible. She rested her head against the arm and let the flood of gut wrenching pain and heartfelt sobs wrack her body. She had no more fight left in her anymore. She had literally just ripped out her own heart and stamped it to absolute death.

She laid on that couch and let the despair take over for the longest time, until the sun disappeared, and she was left in only a moon lit room.

When she finally had the strength to pull herself up from the couch, the rage within her caused her to lash out and swipe the mantle clear of frames, crashing and smashing to the ground in an emotional release.

He hadn’t even fought for her. Just let her go. Just like that. Just a couple of texts and it was all over.

Had she ever really been anything more than a distraction for him?

Crumbling back into a sodden sobbing heap she stayed that way cradling her legs as Muffin tried to click the tears from her hot cheeks until the sun was long gone.

* * *

Rose was always good at hiding her feelings when life called upon her too, despite feeling dead inside. Walking around like a lifeless zombie, yet still functioning among the living. Managing smiles for the postman; managing idle chit chat when she popped into the grocery shop for milk and the bakery for bread. Looking like she was rested and healthy under her amazing makeup skills.

Even Abby could not tell really that her world had come crashing down, breaking into a million sharp pieces on the floor and her shell was nothing more than a robotic presence. That her dark circles from lack of sleep and shadows from lack of appetite were well and truly concealed thanks to Estee Lauder.

Life just carried on around her as before; people still shone and smiled, and the sun still held high in the sky. Even the news reported that this had been their longest hottest summer in recent years and that the country was enjoying the gorgeous weather. Everyone was happy and bright and moving on in life...While Rose was just trying to breathe.

Her parents had finally twisted her arm and arranged a visit, despite all her protests and excuses to put them off. Caught in her weakened state so that she couldn’t argue as effectively as she would normally. Didn’t want too. She didn’t need to anymore, it was not like she had a reason for them to meet Rob Munro. No secret romances or lies, just Rose and Muffin and same old. Same old.

* * *

Abby came by in a super hyper state after Rose came off the phone with her mother that afternoon, she had rung three times in two days, overexcited with the plans for their visit. The Manor was hosting the annual summer fete and that meant a lot of great family fun through the day, stalls, games and pony rides; then at night, a glitzy drink and dance. Abby was bouncing and excited and trying to describe the excellence to be had as it was the highlight of the year and she was really looking forward to it.

Rose wanted to refuse. Abby staring at her with open-eyed enthusiasm only made her feel more pressured into an agreement; she groaned when she realised it was the same weekend as her parents visit and they would not let her bypass a night at the manor. It was all her mum had gushed about on the phone when she first found out Abby and Rose were such good friends.

Her mum had somewhat of a star struck condition concerning the Munro family and their huge house; Olivia’s stories always being a favourite of hers. That was all she needed. Her arm well and truly twisted, she could not find a good enough excuse to bypass the event altogether without making it obvious to Abby that something was clearly off.

That something being Rob!

Rose made sure she never brought Rob up in conversation but sometimes Abby did. It was only natural, seeing as he was the center of her world. Her big brother and protector, he made sure everything in Abby’s life went smoothly and happily along; always checking in. Thanks to Abby’s idle chit chat, Rose learned that he had extended his trip by a week or two in Glasgow; telling Abby he had some things he needed to deal with.

Rose had wondered if he was taking time out to let things simmer away between them. Distance to let it all drift away in the breeze.

Was he giving her time to get over it or was he simply avoiding her?

Shrugging it away and ignoring the feeling of emptiness; she was getting better at locking down her brain whenever he surfaced, to avoid any unnecessary breakdowns. Somehow even apart, it still felt worse knowing he was so far away even still. Hundreds of miles between them. She threw herself head first into trying to forget him.

It helped being dragged around by Abby that week to take a break from her work room after many a night doing nothing else but drawing. They headed out for short trips almost every day, enjoying the glorious sunshine and pretending to be tourists while Abby had a break from college.

They had visited every beauty spot in a sixty-mile radius that week, as though Abby sensed that her friend needed to be saved from her own thoughts. Abby was intuitive and although she had sussed something was going on, she never pried. Knowing when Rose needed to talk she would, so she was doing what she could on a lack of information and trying to keep her friend busy.

They had hit the beach, castles, the zoo, petting farms and museums. It had been eventful and tiring and had helped keep her mind occupied just enough to get through the days. She was thankful for that anyway.

Even though she knew he wouldn’t contact her she found herself checking her phone more than she should, every time that ache of disappointment followed by anger at her own pathetic-ness. She tried to bury it deep in her bag and ignore it, but her fingers would creep down anxiously and check regardless; she would scold herself at the wave of hurt when she saw nothing but her familiar screen saver.

Rose just needed to forget him, put her head down and work hard in the hopes it would get easier in time. She had enough work to make sure she could be distracted for several months if needed.

Her agent had already overnighted new forms to sign and notes to go over for her next book. All she had to do was pack and send these final pieces in cardboard rolls ready for the printing company to turn them into luscious glossy children’s books. Her heart had not been in it anymore, but you could not tell by looking at them at all. Still vibrant, fun and whimsical and very much in her trademark style. She envied the young and their ability to look at her pictures in awe and bewilderment lost in the fairy stories and characters. She could sure use being lost in a fairy-tale about now.