Love You As You Are

15 | Miles

“You did great,” Ludo says, standing next to me. “Seriously, you were b***h and badass in there. Honestly, no one’s ever talked to father that way,” he said. “It was hilarious,” I grabbed my phone, dialling Indra’s number. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I casted him a look, placing the phone to my ear.

“I mean, after what happened in there,” he inquired.

“Is there a room I can use?” I asked him, looking around.

“Yeah, over there,” he pointed at the door, opposite the boardroom. “No one uses it,” I hurried to the said room just as Indra picked up my call.

“Hi,”

“Hey,” I let out a heavy breath, sinking on the floor, my heart still hammering. I can’t believe I just did that. “Uh…can you-“ I sucked in a sharp breath. “I think I’m about to have a panic attack,” I said leaning my head back. “I just need to hear your voice,” I let out shakily.

“Okay, uhm…” Indra is quiet and for a second, I thought she’d hung up. “I’m kind of in the middle of something important here. Some clients came in today and I’m running errands for the COO. Do you think you could listen?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “That works too. I just need to hear something familiar. I feel like I’m losing it,”

“I’m right here, okay?” Indra says softly. “Just take deep breaths. Pace yourself and listen to my voice. You can talk if you want to as well,”

“Thank you,”

For the next few minutes, I sat behind the closed door, listening to Indra talk to the said clients. It was something familiar to me. Both the subject at hand and her voice and I was slowly calming down. I paced my breathing.

“You’re doing great, Miles,” Indra commented. “Keep taking deep breaths,”

I listened to her talk to the clients, the heels clicking on the tiled floors, and I pictured myself in that familiar environment, where my life is peaceful and has purpose that is not harmful. I’d thank God every day for giving me a boss like Mr Stark. He’s nothing like my father.

“How are you feeling?” Indra speaks up after a while.

“Better,” I said a whole lot of calm. “Much better,” I whispered. “I did something and…I’m kind of freaking out. Not because I actually did it, but because it’s something I never thought I’d do,”

“Is it a bad thing?” Indra asked me.

“It depends,” I said scrunching my nose. “There’s a good chance I’ll end up in jail,” she gasped.

“Miles!” she whisper shouted. I laughed. “Take that back right now,”

“I’m serious. I honestly don’t know what to do now. Mr Stark will probably fire me,”

“Does it have something to do with business?”

“Yes,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll tell you,” I murmured, my eyes darting around the room. It’s dimly lit. It would definitely work if I were to call Mr Stark to- no Miles, don’t think like that. You can’t think like that. The man is about to get married for God’s sake. “I’ll tell you everything. Just not…now. When I get home,”

“Okay then…don’t keep me waiting,” she said.

“I think we’re done here. We might have to go back to Seattle to report back to the Romans. It was a success,”

“Yay! That’s my bestie,” Indra cheered, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes, and immediately shivered when my mind took me back to last night. “Congratulations,”

“Thanks,” I stood up slowly, gathering my stuff from the floor. “I guess I gotta…go face the world now,” I said with a sigh as I unlocked the door.

“Okay, stay safe alright?” she said. “And come back home, soon,” I swung the door open and wished I didn’t.

“I will,” I said.

“I love you,”

“I love you too,” I said closing the door behind me, looking up at the sudden audience before me.

Anthony stepped forward then, eyeing my siblings sideways. “I got the contract, signed. I think we’re done here. Do you want-“

“To go? Yes,” I said quickly clutching my bag closer to my chest. “I’d like to go home now, please. We can still catch a flight-“

“You’re leaving?” Ludo spoke up, stepping closer.

“Yeah, I didn’t intend to stay another day. Besides, we’re done,” I said.

“But-“ he trailed off, sadness in his eyes. “We share a birthday. I thought that maybe you’d want to…hang out,” he said. I looked at Irina, her red eyes wide and puffy, staring at me. Eugene was leaning against the wall, watching me closely. “Please Miles,” Ludo pleaded with me.

“Uhm…look, Ludo. You knew that I wasn’t here to stay. I told you that you shouldn’t get attached. And me…hanging out with you guys, it’ll be awkward. I don’t like that feeling. And…” I eyed the corridors where the commotion was coming from. “I don’t think you should be seen with me. It’s for your own goo-“

“Miles, you’re my brother. I don’t care about my own good. I- I just want my brother back,” he said his eyes glossing over. “Can’t you stay another day?”

“But you’re going to say that again tomorr-“

“I won’t,” he said crossing his fingers. “I promise I won’t,” I turned to Anthony and Mr Stark.

“We can stay another day,” Anthony suggested. “Right Emmanuel?” we all looked at Mr Stark as he looked around. His eyes lingered on my siblings.

“We leave tomorrow evening,” Ludo jumped in joy, literary picking me up in a bear hug.

“So?” Ludo turns to me, his eyes hopeful.

I’ve long forgotten about Ludo’s request when the crowd neared, a familiar voice overriding all the other ones.

“Where’s my baby? I just want to see-“ her eyes meet mine and for a split second, she stares in confusion before it was overridden by recognition. With tears in her eyes, she’s rushing to me, her arms outstretched. I take a step back, which she’d caught immediately, and halted, her breath hitching. She drops her arms, intertwining her fingers together. “Hi,” she greeted with a teary smile as she looked at me. “You look more handsome in person,” she said her smile widening.

It has been said that your mother is your first love. She’s the first person you see. The first person you bond with. And on occasions, the bond runs deeper than any other bond. It has been said that countless times that babies had been reported to be completely smitten with their mother’s beautiful face. In my case, I believed that was the case at least. My mother is the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She’s the epitome of a ‘Black Queen’. She exuberates grace and power, possibly one of the reasons why my father was drawn to her. She demands attention when she walks into the room with high grace.

I cannot lie and say that she hasn’t been a good mother to us. She has. She loved us with everything she had. Showered us with love and endless words of encouragement. I’d known parental affection from my mother, more than my father. Even when she gave birth to my siblings and they took most of her time, she’d still make time for me. As you grow older, you realise that it’s not that she’s suddenly neglecting you. She’d groomed you and will now be testing you, always by your side. You realise that as you grow older, your parent doesn’t need to be by your side at all times. It used to hurt, but I knew that my siblings needed her more than me.

But even so, she chose him. She chose his husband over me. Under his command, she’d neglected her child. That hurts beyond anything I could ever imagine. In the end, she chose him, and I was left alone. I was hurt and angry and lonely. If it weren’t for Indra by my side, I don’t know what I would have done. Somehow, Indra has turned into my family, mother, sibling, best friend. She is my everything. I want to jump into my mother’s arms, like I used to when I was young. I want to feel her warmth again.

It wouldn’t be the same.

There’s too much pain in those arms now. Too much unresolved trauma and negligent and I’m scared to take a step forward. I’m terrified and I just want to go home. To Indra, where I feel safe and sane. Everything is chaotic. I’m on the verge of ditching everything here.

I just can’t. Not when it’s going to hurt my little brother. He had nothing to do with what happened all those years ago. He was just a young little boy and I’d done as best as I could to protect him from the truth. For he’d look at his family differently. I don’t want him to hate them because of me.

“Happy birthday,” mom said when I didn’t speak up. I didn’t know what to say. The same way I didn’t know what to say to Irina and Eugene. She looked so much like our mother. Irina. Once upon a time, I looked like her too. “I baked you and Ludo a cake,” she went on. I frowned, turning to Ludo who rolled her eyes.

“She bakes two cakes every year,” Ludo says quietly, watching her closely.

“It’s your favourite,” mom added quickly. “If…if you have time, we could stop by at home, and I can-“

“I can’t,” I said. Her smiled vanished instantly and I tried to not let that get to me. She nodded, the smile forming on her lips wobbly.

“Okay,” she said. “That’s okay,” she shifted on her feet nervously. “Uhm…do you have time to talk? Maybe catch up with…your siblings,” she said. “We don’t have to go anywhere,”

“I…” I looked around the prying eyes that quickly looked away when they saw me looking. Ever since they found out who I was, they’ve been staring at me. I’d nearly threatened everyone in the meeting to not expose me. I was content with my quiet life. If the world finds out that I’m here and I’ve changed, I’d have no privacy. I’d made a terrible mistake by exposing myself in there, but I got so angry, I couldn’t control myself. Seeing my father in that room and hearing him talk like made my blood boil and I lost control.

“I don’t think I want to,” I said looking back at my mother, squaring my shoulder. I owed it to myself to speak my mind, even if it’s going to hurt them. They need to acknowledge my pain and respect my decision. “I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to. This place brings nothing but terrible memories. Ones that I wish to forget someday. You cannot expect me to just…forgive and forget. After everything that happened. It doesn’t work like that. If I stay, things will only get worse, because no matter how much I tell myself that I’m not angry, at the end of the day, I am angry. I’m angry and sad and I feel…unloved. So in order for me stray from those kinds of unwanted feelings, I need to stay away from all of you,” mom’s breath hitched as she sobbed quietly, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry but I’m staying for Ludo. And only Ludo,” I looked to my other siblings when I heard Irina crying, Eugene holding her as he looked at me. “At least I owe him that much,” I said. “Otherwise, I want nothing to do with the Sirenios. I just…I can’t,”

“No, wait,” mom stepped forward when I was about to leave. “Please, my baby. We can talk a-and whatever you need, okay? Whatever you want, I’ll do it,”

“What I want is for all of you to stay away from me,” I said walking around the crowd. When I spotted the bathroom on my right, I went to relieve myself first, eager to get back to the hotel. I practised my breathing exercises while I was alone. I’m just going to walk out those doors and not look back. This isn’t my home. It never was.

As I was washing my hands, a man dressed in black walked past behind me, his eyes meeting mine briefly, in the mirror. He had a cap on, and I wondered since when father allowed his workers to dress like this. He looked suspicious to say the least. It wasn’t my business though. I should be out of here in five minutes.

The same curious eyes were now on the ground floor when the elevator opened. I could hear my mother’s sobs. Everyone turned to me when I walked out. Mr Stark and Anthony are right at the back of the crowd, barely paying attention to them. I stopped by Ludo. “I don’t feel like going out today. You can come to the hotel, if you want,” I said spotting the same black dressed man from the bathroom. People weren’t paying attention to him, and my heart jumped when he pushed his jacket to the side, revealing a gun. Faster than lightening, he pulled it out and pointed at us. “Get down! Everybody get-"

"BANG!!” I hear screams around me as we all got to the floor. The man kept firing. On instinct, I crawled to shield Ludo, but it was too late. He was groaning in pain, clutching his right arm.

“Ludo, you’re hurt,” I placed my hand over his, pressing down on the wound. He groaned. “Sorry. Hang in there,” I looked up and the man was nowhere in sight. I hear people crying and I looked up to check on Mr Stark and Anthony, but they were already looking for me as well. I scanned Mr Stark’s body and sighed in relief when he rose up, unharmed.

A scream pulls me out of my mini panic attack, and I turned to Irina who’s now kneeling before an unconscious Eugene. My blood ran cold at the sight.

“Eugene!”

*****

“f**k, no one told me how painful it is to get shot,” Ludo groaned he sat down next to me, his arm freshly bandage.

“Are you feeling better now?” Irina rushed to Ludo’s side, looking at the arm.

“It was a flesh wound. Bullet’s out,” was all he said. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

“I’m fine, Ludo,” I murmured, watching my mom huddled up at the end of the rows, crying in Auntie Gen’s arms. My father’s running around, barking orders on the phone.

“Find him or I’ll deal with you,” he said before slamming the phone on the opposite wall, watching it shatter before he turned to us. When he spotted Ludo, he rushed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine dad,” he only mumbled.

“That’s good,” he said. “Any updates about Eugene?”

“He’s still in the OR,” Ludo reported. “They’ll let us know,”

“When will that be?”

“I’m not a doctor. How am I supposed to know that?” Ludo’s tone was harsh as he stared at his father.

“You’re talking to me like that?”

“Sorry, it’s the bullets,” he said, sarcasm laced in his voice, as he sneered at father. He turned to me then, his eyes calculating as he studied me closely.

“Are you hurt?” I didn’t bother with answering him. The man is dead to me.

“Sir,” a man dressed in a suit rushed up to my father. “We’ve tried to track down the man. Apparently, he’d been in the building since twelve o’clock this afternoon before he attacked. The footage doesn’t show his face,”

“What are you waiting for then? Keep looking!” my father yelled at the man, who visibly flinched. “Find the bastard that attacked my sons,”

“He was in the bathroom,” I spoke up. Everyone turned to me. “When I was about to head down, before the incident, I went to the bathroom, and he was there. He was wearing a cap. He had a tattoo at the back of his head. I didn’t think he was a bad guy, so I didn’t intervene until I saw him pulling out the gun downstairs,”

“You didn’t think to intervene?” my father repeated, his eyes a blazing flame as he stared me down. “You didn’t think? My son is fighting for his life in there and you didn’t think he looked suspicious at all,”

“I wouldn’t have had to think if you knew to tighten the security system, knowing exactly how many enemies you’re piling up each year,” I said glaring at him.

“Uh…can you describe the tattoo?” Ludo spoke up quickly, trying to diffuse the attention. “Miles?” I blinked, turning to Ludo. “Can you describe the tattoo? Of the man,”

“Uh…let me get a pen and paper,” I said grabbing my bag. I drew the closest sketch to the tattoo. It was possibly a business logo of some sort. “Here. This is the best I can do,” my father basically snatched the paper from me, looking at the sketch.

“Here, find whoever this tattoo belongs to,” he handed the paper to the man in the suit.

“Yes sir,”

“How are you the only who saw this man?” my father started.

“Dad, what is that supposed to mean?” Ludo frowned.

“Henry, leave the kid alone,” Auntie Gen spoke up.

“No, how are you the only person, in the whole building, who saw him? He didn’t shoot you when you two ‘met up’ in the bathroom,”

“Dad! What the hell?” I laughed incredulously, unable to believe what I’m hearing.

“Henry, leave the kid alone,” Auntie Gen repeated, louder this time.

“This is not my child,” Henry shook his head, looking down at me. “My child would never disrespect me like this. You’re not my Vera,” before I can even blink, mom had trudged up to my father, grabbed him by his arm and turned him around, only to be greeted by a hard slap right across the face.

“How dare you talk to my baby like that?” she shouted. “How dare you, Henry!” my father was stunned to say the least. “You’ve crossed the line. I’ll not tolerate this. You and I both know our sons got hurt because of you. My baby is fighting for his life in there and you’re accusing him. How dare you?!” her voice boomed across hospital passage. Another clapping sound resonated in the corridors as my mother slapped him again. “Who the hell do you think you are? Accusing my baby. I should have left you a long time ago,” she said heaving.

“Doctor?” Ludo shot up from his seat when the doctor came to us. “How’s he?” everyone gathered around the doctor, and I remained in my seat, staring at the ground.

I don’t even know why I’m hurt by the fact that he accused me of doing such a thing. I can get past him not recognising me. I wanted that and I’m okay with it. For all I know, the attacker could follow me and end up harming Indra.

“He’s out of danger and…the surgery was a success. We’d like to keep him in the hospital for a few days, just to monitor him. Please minimise visitors for now because he needs rest,” thank God it didn’t take longer than four hours. I was getting agitated, having to sit here and wait. “He’s awake, but for a short while. He’s asking for his siblings and…someone named Miles,” I looked up when my name was mentioned.

“Come on,” Ludo said walking back to me.

“You go ahead,” I said picking up my stuff. “I’m going to…get to the hotel and pack up the rest of my things,” I stood up.

“You’re leaving already?” Ludo inquired, sadness in his eyes. “B-But you promised to stay for today, Miles,”

“I can’t stay here any longer than I have to, Ludo. This is…this is tiring,” I looked up at him. “I don’t want to be here. I just wanna go home more than anything. And in case you’re wondering why, he’s the reason,” I pointed at his father. “You heard him. I’m the culprit here. I honestly want nothing to do with…this. With all of you. I just…I’m done. This trip has only served as a reminder that I’m better off without your family. With the Sirenios. I’m done,” I watched Ludo looked down, his eyes glossy and sad. f**k, I don’t want to leave him like this. It’s the last thing I want to do. To hurt him, but there’s only so much I can take. “Goodbye Ludo. Your brother’s waiting for you,”

With that, I turned to leave, tears prickling my eyes. I refuse to cry for any of this. It’s ridiculous. “What about Eugene? He wants to see-“

“I don’t want to see him!” I said raising my voice as I turned to him. “I don’t want to see him, okay?” that was a lie. No matter how much I want to hate the Sirenios, I still care about my siblings. Like anybody else, I cared. But I wasn’t going to let that turn me into a fool for these people. “I couldn’t care less whether he lives or die. I just don’t care,” I was panting. “Just…let me go, dammit,” I heaved, my sudden outburst taking more from me than I’d like to admit.

As soon as the words registered in my head, I realised something I told myself I’d never do. I hated getting shouted at and I promised to never do the same to others. Especially my siblings, seeing as father was doing an exceptional work at doing so. I just broke that promised. “f**k, I’m sorry,” I said stepping closer to Ludo. His head is bowed, his fists clenching and unclenching on his sides. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to shout at you,”

Ludo raises his head, his tear-stricken eyes looking at me. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. He shook his head, letting out a wobbly smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“It’s fine,” he said quietly. “I’m the one pushing you,” he turns to the doctor, still waiting with the crowd watching us. “I’ll…” he trailed off then, shaking his head.

I stood in the middle of the passageway, eyes on me, the guilt feasting upon my consciousness.

* * * * *