Love You As You Are

16 | Miles

As soon as I walk in, all eyes turn to me.

I caved and now, I’m standing in the doorway, watching Eugene lying on the bed, a cannula on his face, his skin pale. He had a bandage across his naked torso.

Ludo’s smiling at me when I turn to him. I hate how much he has such a strong hold on me. I don’t want it to fester into something bigger in the future. He’d probably begged me to stay, and I fear that I would choose him over my mental health.

He doesn’t know the whole story, and hence he doesn’t understand why I’m so hellbent on leaving this hellhole. He probably thinks I’m neglecting him, just like six years ago. And those that do know the story, they think I’m blowing this out of the proportion. That I’m making a big deal out of nothing. They wouldn’t understand unless they’ve been in my place. I was young and my own family turned their back on me. They wanted me to live a lie, if it pleases them. I couldn’t do that. I just…couldn’t.

“You came,” Eugene spoke up hoarsely, his eyes wide and alert.

I walked in and took the left side of the bed, Irina and Ludo standing on the other side. I eyed Eugene for a moment, the silence stretching.

“You called,” I murmured, looking up at Ludo. A part of me is relieved to see him smiling at me, and another is scolding me for ever making him sad. He forgives so easily. I wish I had that personality trait.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Eugene says. “There’s a chair over there,” he said looking behind me. His eyes are hopeful.

“I’m not staying,” I said deflating what’s left of his hope. His eyes flicker to Ludo for a second and they exchanged knowing looks.

“That’s okay,” Eugene speaks up after some time. “You’re probably a busy man,” he said. “Happy birthday,” he added with a smile.

“Thank you,” I said.

Silence again. Neither of us know what to say. Neither of us know how to break the ice. We’re saved by the knock on the door. Mr Stark peeks his head in, his eyes finding mine. “Your phone’s ringing,” he said holding it out for me. I rushed to grab it.

“Thank you,” I said looking at the caller ID. It’s a video call from Sam. Mr Stark closes the door when he leaves. “Hi Sam,”

“Miles! I told him,” Sam’s joy filled voice came, his face stretched into a wide smile. “I told him,” he cheered. “I just told him now and…wait, are you busy?” he stopped then. I burst out laughing, turning on the spot.

“No, I can talk,” I said turning to the six pair of eyes watching me. “So? What did he say?”

“He already knew,” Sam said. “Can you believe it? All this time I was shitting myself over nothing. He knew and he was waiting for me to speak out,” he said hyped up. I can practically see him hopping around joyously. “I’m just waiting for him and…we’re going out for dinner,”

“Going out?” I frowned. “As in like a date?”

“Oh no, it’s not like that. We’re just going out as friends, obviously,” he said. “Besides, I told him about you and, mind you I’m not a stalker, but I showed him a picture of you from i********:, so…he seemed to like you,” my brows showed up at that.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. So what do you say?” Sam said wiggling his brows at me, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

“Sam, I think I remember telling you that I don’t like…men that way,” immediately after I said that I thought about Mr Stark. I fought the urge to cringe, realising how lesser and lesser I was beginning to believe those words.

“So…you’ve never slept with a guy before?” Sam asked slowly, bringing his phone to his face. My mouth opened and closed, as I thought about how I’m going to respond to the question.

“I don’t have to answer that question,” I said. “Right?” Sam bursts into laughter, throwing his head back.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he concluded. “So…I told him you worked for Mr Stark and that you’re quite the beauty and the brains,” I rolled my eyes. “I mean, he saw that himself. So when can I set up the date for you two?”

“Can you stop?” I spoke up.

“Tomorrow?” Sam says, ignoring my words. “He likes walks in the park by the way. And strawberries. And choco-“

“Sam! I’m not gay. Oh my God,” I laughed, shaking my head.

“Did I tell you he’s rich?” Sam added.

“Okay, I’m getting off the phone now,”

“Wait, did you get manage to get the treatment?” Sam inquired.

“No, I didn’t,” I said.

“I can give you mine. I just got them last night,”

“It’s fine, I’m going home soon anyway,” I said with a shrug.

“How soon? Got any time for coffee, just to say goodbye?”

“I’m in London,” I said.

“Damn, that fast? Are you coming back to Seattle?”

“Probably. I have to wrap up some things before I leave,” I said. “I’ll let you know when I get back,”

“Okay cool. Tell me sooner so I can also set up a date-“

“Oh my God, Sam stop,”

“I’m just messing with you man,” he said laughing. “Talk later. I gotta go,”

“Bye,” I said walking back to the bedside. They all followed me with their eyes. I pocketed my phone and looked down at Eugene. He watches me closely.

“Uhm…” he began, shifting in bed, resulting in him wincing as he clutched his bandaged abdomen. “I know that…” he said breathing heavily. “I’m the last person you want to see right now. And…I understand, so I won’t keep you here for long,” I heard the door open but didn’t look to check who it was. “I also know that…that I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” he murmured quietly. I sucked in a sharp, ready to bolt out those doors and never look back, but I stood my ground.

Even when every part of me screamed for me to move, I remained.

“I have no excuse for…for how I treated you,” he whispered. “And…I won’t make up any,” he blinked back tears. “I was young back then. I didn’t know better. Even so, I should have at least stood by your side, the same way you have for me,” he lets out a shaky breath. “For all of us,” he added turning to Irina and Ludo. “Instead, I mistreated you. I did all of those things to…to please father,” his eyes darted towards the door.

Everyone had walked in, my parents, Mr Stark, Anthony, even Eloise was here. We’d left her at the hotel because she wasn’t feeling well, so she didn’t attend the meeting. All eyes were on me as Eugene spoke up.

“At first, I was jealous,” he said quietly. “Jealous that he was only teaching you about the family business. That he only saw you as his heir. I wanted that too. So I was jealous. But then…it stopped,” he said. “It stopped when they were suddenly not…home. Always away on business and us… we were left alone, with the maids. I felt…neglected more,” a tear trickled down the side of his face.

“But it wasn’t for long, because you took care of us,” his eyes found us. “Even though you were also a child, you still took care of us. And…it changed everything. So much that I didn’t care about the business. It was just…us,” he whispered. “Us against the world. And then…suddenly, it all changed,” I fought the urge to flinch. “Everything became…cold and…and sad and I just wanted everything to go back the way it was. So…when father told me something,” he eyed him. “He said that you didn’t want to be a part of this family anymore,” I turned to my father, who refused to meet my eyes. “Said that you didn’t want to be with us anymore. And he told me that I shouldn’t be…nice to you, so I did all of those things. I did them because he told me to. And because I was angry.”

“I believed him when he said that you didn’t love us anymore. I believed him because I was naïve. I listened to everything he told me. All this time, I thought that I was seeking validation from my parents, when in reality, it was all you,” his voice cracked as he spoke. “I realised that I cared about what you think more than I did with our parents. And by the time I realised that it was too late. When you came home that night, bloodied and bruised up, your clothes torn, he didn’t want us to be near you. To-To care for you like I knew you would have cared for us. So I told Auntie Gen and then…after that car accident, you were gone. Just like that,”

“Even though Ludo lost half of his memory after that accident, he still remembered you. He cried for you. For months, we couldn’t do anything. We thought – hoped that you would come back. We waited and waited a-and, I thought about ways to apologise to you. I practised and even wrote it down, but none of it would have made it all better for you. The pain we put you through, as a family. No amount of apology could erase what we did,” Eugene reached for my hand and on instinct, I pulled back. The look on his face made me want to double over in pain.

“But I’m still going to apologise,” he carried on, crying. “Because it’s the only thing I know to do. I hope that one day, you can forgive me. I just need you to know that it never mattered to me whether you were a girl or a boy. Whether you are Vera or Miles. You’re still my blood. You have been…the strongest bond in our family. You brought everyone together, so effortlessly. We took advantage of you and now…” he lets out a shaky breath. “Miles, I’m sorry,” he said crying. “I’m so sorry. And- I need to apologise to Vera as well. I’m sorry,”

Ducking my head, I closed my eyes, tears trickling down my face. I listened to him apologise over and over again to the point where he was crying. I could hear Irina’s tiny whimpers and I just couldn’t bear it. I needed it to stop. I needed everything to stop.

Even when my phone rang, I couldn’t move to answer it. It rang and rang and I just…stood there. I forced myself to move when it rang for the third time. When I saw it was Indra, video calling me, I picked up, wiping my face quickly.

“Oh God, don’t scare me like that,” she said immediately when I answered. “Are you okay? I just saw the news. About the shooting at Sirenio Enterprise, are you hurt? Were you there?”

“I’m fine Indra,” I said quietly.

“Then why the hell did you give me a heart attack by not picking up? I thought…” she heaved. “I thought something happened to you,”

“I’m sorry,” I said clearing my throat. “I’m okay,”

“Is that a hospital?” she asked, squinting her eyes on the screen.

“Uh…yeah,” I said. “I’m with…uh, Eugene. He and Ludo got shot,”

“Oh my God,” she gasped in shock. “Are they okay?”

“Yeah,” I said looking at Eugene briefly.

“Miles, you were crying,” Indra said then, after a moment of silence.

“No I wasn’t-“

“No s**t sherlock,” she said. “Who the f**k are you fooling?” under different circumstances, I would have laughed. “You know what, get your ass back home. I’m getting tired of this s**t. Come home, okay?” I heard shuffling as she got in her car. The screen blurred for a few seconds as she had a sudden outburst.

“No amount of dollars is worth the tears you’ve been crying for the last two weeks. Come home, you hear me? Get on the next flight and come home,” I laughed, tears trickling down my face. I was crying because after everything, I knew that I still had her to come home to. I know she’ll always be here for me.

“This is getting ridiculous. They don’t even deserve you, let alone your tears,”

“Okay,” I said taking in a deep breath. “I’m coming home,”

“I love you, okay?” she said. “Hurry back home,”

“Okay,” I whispered, feeling a sudden calmness wash over me. “I love you too,”

* * * * *