Love You As You Are

17 | Miles

“You have everything?” Ludo inquired, packing the last bag.

“I think so,” I said turning to him. He smiled at me, though I could tell he was sad. “Thanks for dropping me off,” I looked back to Mr Stark’s private plane, waiting for me. They’d already boarded the plane and were now waiting for me.

Ludo didn’t say anything, looking anywhere but my way. Judging from the way his fists clenched and unclenched, the way his chest rose and fell rapidly, and the constant blinking, he was on the verge of tears. His injured arms was limp on his side. I pulled him in for a hug, having to stand on my toes to accommodate his height. He stiffened against my arms, but relaxed a moment later, his arms tightening around me.

“Careful, your arm,” I said almost breathlessly because of how tight he was holding me. Ludo shook his head against my neck, and I can’t argue with him. He sniffled, his body shaking against mine.

“Tell them,” I whispered, tightening my hold on him as well. “Tell them I forgive them,” I said. Ludo’s grip loosened, though he didn’t let go. “Tell them that…I don’t want to be angry anymore. Tell them…someday, we’ll be together again. It’d never be the same again, but… we can always make new memories,” I tightened my hold when he started crying. “Everything will be okay, Lu,” I said blinking back tears of my own.

“You’ll see,” I rubbed his back soothingly. “Tell them that I need time,” I finally pulled back and he ducked his head, sobbing lowly. “Don’t cry,” I took his face in both my hands, wiping the falling tears. “Don’t cry, this isn’t goodbye, okay?” he nodded.

“This isn’t goodbye,” I emphasised. “You can always come to visit Indra and I in South Africa, okay?”

“But you said you didn’t want anything to do with us,” he pointed out, his voice shaky.

“I didn’t mean you, silly,” I said wiping his face again and again. “I’m sorry that I was so hard on you when you didn’t do anything. I’m sorry, okay?” he nodded. “I’d never do that to you,”

“I’m sorry too,” he said sniffling. “I made you angry. I just…I don’t want you to go,”

“I know,” I said. “But we can always meet up. Whenever you want, okay? I’ll make time. We can go anywhere you want,” he nodded. “I love you, okay?”

“Love you too,” he said hugging me again. When we pulled apart, he reached into his bag for three envelopes and handed them to me. “They’re for you,” he said.

“What’s this?” I asked taking them. I turned the envelope to see the message written at the back.

‘I’m proud of you, son. I hope you know that. I know that you won’t ask me for any money, so I’m giving it to you. I’ll know if you send it back, so don’t try me, boy. Check the letter as well. Your grandma wanted me to give you something,’ – Love, Genevieve.

I turned the next envelope and there was nothing. “That one is from me,” Ludo said quietly. “I wanted you to have it,”

“Ludo I can’t take th-“

“It’s not much. I’ve been saving up from one of my side jobs, so…I knew that you wouldn’t take any money coming from the Sirenio trust fund, so…” he said nervously. Eyeing him closely, I peeled open the envelope and took out a cheque. It was a thirty-thousand-dollar cheque. “I know it’s not much. I can send you ano-“

“How much do you think this is when converted to rands?” I asked him. He scrunched his nose for a moment before he shrugged.

“I’ve never been to South Africa, so I don’t know,” he said. “It’s not enough? I can send you more-“

“It’s more than enough to make me want to quit my job,” I said making him laugh. “Thanks I guess,” I said putting it back in. I eyed the remaining envelope.

“It’s from mom,” he says quietly. “She didn’t know how to give it to you, but she’s worried that you could be struggling financially,” I couldn’t help the scoff.

“I was once in need of this cheque,” I murmured. “Please take it to the Sirenio Foundation for me,” I said handing him back the envelope.

“But-“

“I took two out of the three cheques, Ludo. Have some leniency on me,” I said with an eye roll. Reluctantly, he took it back. “Thanks for this,” I said. “I’ll use it very irresponsibly,” he laughed.

“I guess this is it,” he said sadness seeping in once more.

“You can always visit; little bro. Remember that” I said reversing to the plane. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“You too,” Ludo watched me until I was inside the plane. My heart felt heavier with each step further away from him and seeing the look on his face. He waved at me through the window, smiling. As soon as I sat down and he was out of sight, I let out a shaky breath, clutching the two envelopes in hand. My heart ached so bad for him.

I excused myself and hurried to the familiar bedroom in the plane, the tears trickling down my face. I totally forgot about the safety precautions of the plane as it took off, so I was left vulnerable and unprotected. Even so, I didn’t care as I slumped to the floor, my knees meeting the ground. I cried so hard; I was convinced they could hear me.

When a pair of arms wrapped around me, someone pressing himself against me from behind, I couldn’t stop the choked sobs. “I’m o-okay,” I stumbled upon my words.

“I know,” Mr Stark says quietly, his voice somehow soothing and also driving me into further tears. His arms tightened around me as I cried harder to the point where I was shaking. He held me, his warmth scent enveloping me just like he was. I gripped one of his arms, heaving as I pressed myself against him.

“Tighter,” I choked out, hugging his arms. He tightened his arms around me, without question as I cried. I cried for everything I’d bottled up inside me, that was now surfacing. I cried for everything I had to endure in the last two weeks. I cried for the conflict in my head. I cried for Ludo and how torn he was with me and his family. I never wanted him to choose. I cried until my tears ran dry and my voice turned hoarse.

At some point, I felt Mr Stark picking me up from the floor, in my semi-sleeping state. I felt him tuck me in. I felt the bed shift when he settled next to me when I refused to let go of him. He didn’t protest either as I felt into a deeper slumber, my body crashing almost too quickly from all the exhaustion.

For a moment, in time, I wished to remain under the covers, never to be waken up.

*****

“I don’t know how to thank you for your help,” Anthony said as we stood in the middle of the airport. We had stopped in Seattle to report back to the Romans, the good news.

Now, Mr Stark and I were going to board a plane back to South Africa. He’d left the plane for Mr Kendrick, who was still busy in Seattle, with back-to-back meetings. I was saying goodbye to Anthony and Eloise, who’d accompanied us to the airport.

“I’m happy to help wherever I can,” I said clearing my throat.

“Thank you once again,” Anthony said with a nod. He pulled out an enveloped. “It’s not much, but my parents wanted me to give you this. Your payment and also…something to thank you for,” he said handing me an envelope. A man that came with Eloise and Anthony stepped forward with a large bouquet of flowers and a basket of all sorts of fruits. Some I didn’t recognise. I laughed, thinking back to when I told Anthony how I was unfamiliar with some of the foods they served.

“Thank you. You guys didn’t have to do all of this,” I said eyeing everything. “I was just doing my job,” I refused to meet Mr Stark’s eyes when they came over.

“You did more than enough for us,” Eloise spoke up, going in for a hug that I returned. “This will never be enough to thank you,” she said gesturing to the items. “And I’m sorry about…everything that happened. It was never our intentions to cause you any pain,” she said.

“It’s okay,” I said with a shrug. “It’s no one’s fault.” Anthony hugged me as well, apologising. Before I know it, Mr Stark and I were heading in. We were escorted to our section on first class, where I immediately sunk in the bedlike chair. They offered us food after the plane took off and I had no appetite, so I rejected it. Mr Stark eyed me from across the plane. He didn’t pressurise me into eating and so, I left it at that.

I fell asleep almost immediately after that.

I all but dragged myself and my bags as we exited the airport upon landing. Isaac was supposed to be here to fetch Mr Stark. I, on the other hand, was waiting for Indra. I saw her immediately and smiled, rushing to her, fatigue temporarily forgotten. When she finally spotted, she met me halfway. I dropped my bags as I caught her in a big hug, feeling her melt into my arms. Her sweet and rosy scent wafted to my nose as I buried my face in her neck.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” she murmured. “When I saw the news, and I remembered that you guys were…” she trailed off then, looking behind me. I pulled back to see Mr Stark, watching us from a distance. He didn’t make a move as Isaac rushed to grab his belongings. “I got scared when you didn’t pick up,” she said looking up at me.

“Sorry mom,” I said, earning a slap on the chest. I chuckled weakly, hugging her again. “I missed you,” I said taking in a deep breath. Indra pulled back to look at me carefully. I knew she could see right through me, so I didn’t bother with trying to hide how miserable I felt. She only smiled at me.

“Come on, let’s get you home so you can rest,” she said grabbing my stuff. She stopped then when Mr Stark stepped closer.

“He hasn’t had anything to eat,” he said speaking to Indra. “Maybe arrange for that first,” he said. “And…I’m giving you two days off,” he said making Indra gawk at him. “I expect you to be back Thursday early morning, do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir,” Indra said quickly. Mr Stark turns to me for a second, his eyes softening for only a fraction. He left without another word, heading for the car Isaac came with. “What just happened?” she turned to me. “Why did he give me two days off work? Hell, I thought he didn’t know me,” I rolled my eyes, snaking one arm around her shoulders as we walked to her car.

“He wants you to babysit me,” I stated. “He gave me two weeks off,” Indra looked up at me suspiciously. “Yeah, I know, I’m that miserable,”

“What really happened, Miles?” she asked me.

“A lot happened,” I said. “A hell of a lot,”

*****

“How are you, Miles?” Dr Beckett greeted when we all settled down. I brought Indra with me to therapy today. “Indra,”

“I’m as good as I can be,” I replied, feeling a little under the weather.

“Is she sitting in with us today?” Dr Beckett asked, smiling at Indra, as she got her notepad and pen ready.

“Yes,” I nodded. “I didn’t feel like being alone today,” Indra squeezed my hand.

“Okay good,” she nodded. “Tell me, how are you doing so far? Is there anything you’d like to share before we proceed?”

“I guess,” I said sinking further into the couch. “A lot has happened in the last few weeks and…I feel like I’ve lived more in those weeks than I have in the last seven years,” I began. “It’s all…overwhelming,” I admitted.

And so I began to talk about the trip to Seattle, leaving out the part where I slept with Mr Stark. I told her everything else. I wasn’t ready to discuss whatever is happening between Mr Stark and I. I haven’t even told Indra yet.

I told Dr Beckett that I met my family and for a second- just for a second, I thought I could get away from their clutches. I told her about how I’d willingly sacrificed my mental health just so I could help a friend in need. I told her that I did something bad. I blackmailed an elder just so I can get what I want. For the sake of morality and decency, I feel guilty. For going hard on that man and that man alone? I feel nothing but bliss.

I told them about my father’s reaction to finding out I was his child. And the accusation I got at the hospital, right before mother gave him a well-deserved slap. I told her about the attack and how Eugene apologised, and I didn’t know how to react to that.

Truth is, I don’t think I’d know how to act around my family, if I ever chose to go back. I don’t see it working. There’s just too much damage and I’m not ready to visit that again. I’m happy where I am.

I told her about my brief stiff conversation with my mother and how I’d shut her off. I felt instant guilt. I’m aware that I was cold. That she didn’t deserve that…to an extent. But I was angry. I am angry. She chose him over me. Over her own child. She let me go. My mother dropped my hand when I needed her the most. And it’s still hurts.

Auntie Gen was the only good thing out of that trip. Her and Ludo. I mean, she has nothing to do with all of this. And she’d been supportive since the beginning. Even though my father was hell bent on cutting off everyone in my life, just so I can come crawling back to him. Auntie Gen had been there. Secretly, she’d supported me. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know how I would have afforded to move to another continent, let alone afford an apartment. I was still studying back then when I left. She’d been really helpful, and I’ll forever be grateful.

I got to see my little brother. My heart broke having to leave him behind when he was still young and clueless. I’d been worried that they’ll taint his innocence with their cunningness. Now, I know that he’ll be okay. He’s grown and he’s old enough to make his own decisions, no matter what father said. And I know he’s capable of taking care of himself financially. If he can give me a thirty thousand cheque, then that would mean he’s doing great for himself. I’d wish to bond with him, but I knew it’d backfire, as it did, when I had to leave.

That had to be the worst.

I told her about my testosterone situation and how I ended up in excruciating pain for about four days. She’d given me a well-deserved lecturer on that, seeing as I tend to that. Once I was finished, she’d given me tips on how I could alleviate some of the pressure I’d gotten during the two-week trip and how to reflect back on my feelings and emotions, so I could find a way forward. Indra had inquired on possible ways to help me.

Towards the end of the session, I’d went ahead and busted out my question. One that has been bothering me, ever since Noah.

“I have this...” I had begun. “How does one know if they’re…homosexual?”

*****

“I’m really proud of you, you know that?” Indra said as we got in the car, buckled up and took off. “You stood up for yourself. That’s a good step. Means you’re free and you found something worth fighting for,”

“You think so?”

“b***h, I know so,” she said speeding up. “Shall we get early lunch? Or we could go back to the apartment and binge watch the Goblin,”

“As tempting as that sounds,” I said looking out the window. “How would you feel about…reckless shopping?” I turned to her.

“What? Like grocery shopping?” I burst out laughing at that.

“You can be so dumb sometimes,” I said shaking my head. “I mean for clothes,”

“What makes you think I have the money to do ‘reckless shopping’?” she said sassily.

“Well…I do.” I spoke.

“You do?” I nodded grabbing my bag from the back seat. I pulled out the envelopes.

“If we stop by the bank, I’m sure we can raid a couple of boutiques,” I said. “Still want those Jimmy Choo bow heels?” I smiled when her face stretched into a wide smile.

“For real?” she said. “Don’t play with me,”

“I’m serious. Drive to the bank,” she screamed, speeding down the road, shimmying in her seat.

“I love you b***h!!!” she screamed.

*****