Love You As You Are

18 | Miles

“No! This is not practical. Let it go,”

“No! You need these shoes. It’ll match your suits,” Indra argued, snatching the shoe from my hand. “It is practical. You just don’t have style,” she glared at me.

“But you literary just bought six shoes,” I said pointing at the pile of boxes waiting for us.

“You need more shoes, Miles,” she said.

“Oh my God, why did I bring you here?” I laughed in disbelief as she shoved the shoes onto the existing pile. The workers eyed us, amused by the argument. It has been like that from store to store. As soon as we got back from the bank, we’d immediately went for Indra’s favourite shoes. The ones that had been trending on t****k. The Jimmy Choo bow heels. I had seen another pair that I quite liked and bought them for her. Needless to say, she’d made a spectacle of us. She literary walked out of the store hugging one shoe, and if the workers didn’t see us pay, they’d think she’d stolen the shoe.

For the first half of the shopping trip, we’d focused on her clothes mostly. I’d actually attempted to pick out the best clothes and, not to brag, but she approved most of them. Indra’s picky about almost everything, so that was a win for me. We’d passed by a men’s boutique and…I wished we didn’t. I hadn’t planned to buy too many clothes, but of course Indra thought otherwise. And so I had to make about three trips to the car after every store.

Indra had taken reckless shopping seriously. Even for me.

“Indra, that’s enough shoes. These won’t fit in my closet,”

“Then we’ll make a plan,” she said. “Now come along, we’re not done yet,” I groaned, following her.

*****

I plopped down on the chair, after yet another horrible hour and a half of shopping. “When I said shopping, I meant for you, dumbass,” I said as I took the menu from the table

.

“Why? Did you plan to wear clothes from four years ago?” she said, grabbing her own. “Because no friend of mine will be wearing that. Plus, I have a surprise for you,” she said with a sneaky smile on her face.

“From the look on your face, I don’t think I’ll like the surprise,” I said.

“Probably not,” she agreed. “But I already planned it. I’ve been saving up and…I want us to check out the club,”

“I’m not going to a club,” I groaned.

“No, listen,” she said quickly. “It’s Club Genesis, the famous fancy club,” I perked up at the mention of the club that has been the talk of the town. “See? You like it,” she said smiling widely.

“Maybe,” I shrugged.

“Okay so, I have just enough money to get us into the VIP section,” she said clapping her hands excitedly. “Like there’s a very high chance we’d be bumping into celebrities and the top dogs,” she went on. “And I think there will be a small concert of some sort, and-” she grabbed her handbag and pulled out a pamphlet. I eyed the small size piece of paper for a few seconds before my eyes zeroed in on a name.

“Are you serious?” I asked. “Lloyiso’s performing?”

“Yeah, he is,” she said laughing when I jumped from my chair, running to her side of the table. I didn’t care about the people looking at us. “Oh my God,” she laughed as I hugged her, almost pushing her out of her chair.

“Thank you thank you thank you,” I said swaying us side to side. “When’s this?” I eyed the pamphlet. “This Saturday,”

“So you’re in?” she asked when I was seated again.

“Hell yeah, I get to be serenated by Lloyiso’s voice live,” I said. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,”

“Great then, because this is one of your birthday gifts, even though it’s a bit late,”

We ordered as we talked about nothing and everything in particular, while eating.

My mood had been lifted and I barely thought about the business trip shenanigans. I didn’t think about Mr Stark or…my family. I liked it this way. It was just Indra and I, like it always has been. She hasn’t questioned anything about the trip. I know that she’s eager to know.

We’d finally concluded our shopping spree when we got out of the jewellery shops. I wasn’t as grumpy as with the other shops because I like accessories. I’d gotten more watches and chains as well as belts. Indra has gone into the lingerie store and got me new pair of panties when I wasn’t aware. I wasn’t comfortable purchasing them so openly, so I didn’t think much about buying them. Apparently, someone went ahead and bought me underwear.

I tried not to think about the one Mr Stark stole.

When we reached the apartment, we settled down, with the bags crowding the couches. Neither of us had any intentions of unpacking. We just laid in bed, facing the ceiling, still fully clothed. “I’m not cooking,” Indra was the one to speak first.

“I lost my panties,” I murmured.

“I got you another one,” she said. Another moment of silence before she caught on to what I was trying to say. She sat up, leaning on her elbows. “What does that mean exactly? Did you lose them at the hote-“

“I slept with someone and…he took them,” I said turning to her. She gawked at me.

“You slut,” I burst out laughing, lying on my side.

“Wait, hear me out, before you judge me,” I said. “Firstly, what I’m about to tell you isn’t meant to be gossip or whatever. I need you to be level-headed Indra, not s*x-crazed Indra, okay?” she’s still gawking at me. “Did you hear me? Because it looks like s*x-crazed Indra is looking at me and I don’t need her right now,”

“Okay,” she blinked, sitting up. I did the same, crossing my legs after kicking my shoes off. “No s*x craziness. Hit me,” she said. I eyed her for a moment too long.

“It happened that night I went to the club with Mr Kendrick and Mr Stark and Anthony,”

“Who’s Anthony?” she asked me.

“The new CEO. He’s a Roman,”

“Oh yeah. I saw him on the news,” she nodded. “He’s hot,"

“Yeah, he’s gay,” I said. Indra’s eyes narrowed at that. “What?”

“You slept with him?” she asked.

“No it wasn’t him,” I said. “Here’s the thing. I don’t remember the s*x and how things got to be s****l between me and…that person. I woke up the next day and he was sleeping next to me, and I was super sore down there,”

“Ass or v****a?”

“v****a,” I answered robotically.

“Right,”

“When I realised what was happening, I freaked out and-“

“Locked yourself in the bathroom,”

“Yes. Exactly. Then I got my period and…and he was so nice to me. Like really unexpected, nice and he helped me through my cycle and whatever. And…it happened again, in London,” Indra’s eyes widened a fraction, but she contained herself. “So now, I’m dealing with more confusing and…that,”

“Okay, walk me through your confusion,” she said.

“Right so,” I shifted around while I gathered my thoughts. “I slept with a man and I liked it, which would then make me gay,”

“Or bisexual,” Indra corrected.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I mean, if I liked doing the nasty with another man, there must be some sort of attraction, right? Meaning I’m attracted to this man,”

“Right,”

“So why can’t I wrap my head around the fact that I could be bisexual? It shouldn’t be a problem. Why can’t I wrap my head around it?” I inquired.

“It could be because you’re scared to admit that part of you,” Indra said. “You’re probably holding on to that part of you that your family has engraved into your mind. That homosexual people are…an abomination,” she rolled her eyes at that. “And so your brain could be telling you gay people are not the s**t and you shouldn’t accept that part of you,” I nodded, digesting her words.

“I guess that makes sense,” I said.

“Also, it could be that you’re bisexual, not gay,” she went on. “Or…let’s say pansexual,” she added. “That’s if you don’t have a preference for, you know. Then pansexual is for you. It means that…you are attracted to someone regardless of their biological s*x, gender or gender identity,” I nodded, listening to her explain. “It’s not a bad thing, you know,”

“What?”

Indra scooted to my side, grabbing my hand before lazily laying her head on my shoulder. “If you are attracted to a man, it’s not a bad thing. People demean what they don’t understand or what they don’t want understand. You don’t have to listen to them. You know yourself and you have to be…forgiving towards yourself. I know that it’ll take a lot to undo what your family did to you, and maybe that’s why you’re so confused. A part of healing is knowing that I have a problem and it comes from this and I need to do this in order to heal. So what did the therapist say?” I thought about it for a moment, gathering my thoughts.

“I need to…” I frowned. “I need to be open minded and know that it’s okay to feel…different and I just need to be forgiving and loving to myself,”

“Good,” Indra nodded with a smile. “So we need to work on that. And…I can’t tell you what to decide, but here’s what I think. Evidently, you’re attracted to both men and women, and so far, you had an issue with the male side, right?” I nodded. “So if we can identify your s****l orientation, one that you’re comfortable with, then I think we can tackle a lot of things, right?”

“And if or when you fall in love with a man, it doesn’t make you weak or anything less than a man, right? It would mean love, happiness and it wouldn’t define you as a person, right?” I nodded. “And if…someone like…Noah, was it?” I nodded again. “If you don’t find a person of either gender attracted, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with that. It simply just means that you’re not attracted to them. It doesn’t mean that you’re the problem, okay? One day, someone will come along and sweep you right off your feet and you wouldn’t care whether they’re male or female. You’ll love them with everything you have, the same way I hope they will too,”

“And bear in mind, none of this pertains to the fact that you’re trans, okay? That’s all you. It’s who you are and who you are meant to be. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for being who you are. I don’t feel guilty for being a straight woman, and neither should you. And…I love you, okay? You’re my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I blinked back tears as I turned to Indra. Her eyes are glossy as well.

“I love you too,” I said with a big smile of my own. I pulled her in for a hug. “Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you. You left your home, for me and I don’t really like that, but I’m selfish enough to want you with me,” I said, and we both share a laugh as we pulled apart.

“I’d rather be here. My parents have been kissing the ground your father walked on for far too long and I don’t think I could handle it any longer. I’m happy here, with you,” she said. “Like I said, I wouldn’t have it any other way,”

“Thank you,” I said as I wiped her tears.

“Don’t mention it,” she said smiling at me. Leaning in, she perked my cheek once. Twice. I grimaced the third time.

“Okay, don’t be weird,” I said squirming out of her hold. She continued to kiss my face. “Hey!!” I yelped when I leaned too far, resulting in the two of us tumbling to the floor, tangled up. “You i***t,” she laughed, laying limp on top of me. “Hey, your boobs are in my face, i***t,”

“And I hope you suffocate,” she said. We remained that for a while, while she made no move to get off. To anyone walking in on us, it would look weird knowing we were nothing but friends. We were just comfortable with each other. Too comfortable for an outsider to comprehend. By too comfortable, I mean we’ve compared v*****s once upon a time. I’ve never touched her, and I don’t plan to, but I’ve seen her naked the same way she has seen me naked. Before moving into this side of town, we used to share an apartment. It was tiny, rusty and all we could afford at that time.

Having to share the place and everything, we’d seen each other nakedly quite frequently, hence why we’re so comfortable with each other. A couple of time, I’d more or less barged into her place while she was changing, just to vent or anything.

“Okay, do you think I could get s*x-crazed Indra back? I really need to vent and I want no judgement,” Indra’s chest was off my face before I can finish the sentence.

“Say less, I’m right here,” she said straddling my legs while I remain on the floor. “I’ve been waiting for this. Leave no details,”

“Okay so like I told you, I don’t remember the first time with the guy,” I began, thinking back to Seattle. “I was super sore, and he’d ripped my panties,” Indra’s eyes widened. “Wait, I have to tell you I lost two panties because of him, so don’t fantasise about it, okay? Underwear is expensive,”

“Nobody cares b***h, tell me more,” Indra said.

“We did it in a bathroom the second time,” I laughed, watching her face scrunch in disgust. “Public place, disgusting, I know. But I didn’t care because…” I bit my lip to contain myself, but it proved to be difficult with the way she was looking at me. “It was so good,” I admitted shyly. Indra screamed in excitement. “Like I’ve never felt anything like it. I mean, I can’t exactly compare it because I haven’t slept with anyone else and my first time was basically horrible, but it was so good,"

“And he made me c*m three times,” this time, I screamed with her, sitting up.

“Oh my God, b***h,” she said.

“I kid you not Indra, it was that good a-and I feel like if we weren’t in a hurry, we probably wouldn’t have stopped. Either way, it was good and I’m sad that I don’t remember the first time. Like I can’t stop thinking about it, which sounds weird,”

“Okay but was he thick? Was he long? Is he gorgeous?” I laughed. I don’t think I would have shared those details with her, but I’m too excited to care.

“He’s thick and…he’s pierced and…he likes it rough, and…I think I do too,” I admitted.

“Okay but you haven’t told me who it is,” she said. I bit my bottom lip, knowing this was coming.

“Okay but, don’t judge me, okay? I was drunk and so I have no idea how it got to where it did, but…it was Mr Stark,” I said. Indra’s eyes widened. “I slept with Mr Stark,”

A moment of silence as I watched the shocked look on Indra’s face. And then she screamed. A scream so loud I had to cover my ear.

“I knew it,” she shouted. “I knew something was going on between you two. Oh my, I knew it,”

“Wait, that only happened during the business trip, okay? I didn’t know that something like that could happen between us. It was never in my mind. He’s my boss and I’d kept it that way. I mean, yes, he smells good, and he dresses nice, and he has nice hazel eyes, but that’s like a normal compliment to someone, right? Plus, I didn’t think that he was into me like that. It just happened that night. There was no tension or agreement beforehand, it happened that particular night,”

“So?” she said.

“So?”

“What did he say? Did he like it too? Does he want to do it again? He really has a pierced d**k?”

“I don’t know what he said. I’ve been avoiding him,” the look on Indra’s face had me shrinking. “What? It was all too soon for me and he’s... my boss. Mind you, I don’t remember what happened that night. For all I know, I could have embarrassed myself, so…we haven’t talked,”

“Do you want to do it again?” she said.

“b***h, did you not hear me? It was good,” I said. “Of course I want to do it again. That’s if, I’m given the chance,”

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Indra cheered. “Go get that d**k b***h,” she yelled. “Matter of fact, ride that d**k until it breaks,”

Hey, no breaking, I might still need it again,” we both burst into laughter.

“Spoken like a true slut,”

* * * * *