Love You As You Are

8 | Miles

“Miles, if you don’t come out of the bathroom, I’m firing you,” I hear Mr Stark call out eventually, possibly two hours later.

I’d probably sat on the floor, wrapped around Mr Stark’s bed cover, and zoned out. I’d panicked until I couldn’t. Now, I’m just…stuck. Stuck in the presence and I don’t know how to take a step forward for the fear of what I might find. I can still see Mr Stark’s shadow underneath the door. I want to believe that he’ll really fire me, but until I shake off this numbness, I don’t think I care at the moment.

Bottomline is that I ruined everything.

I slept with my boss, and this changes everything. I’ll lose my job. I don’t even remember what happened. How did we even get to that? And…what about Anthony? I remember the way they were so close. In a s****l way, but really close. And now I went ahead and do this.

How could I be so stupid? My own boss.

“Come on Miles, this is childish,” Mr Stark spoke up. “We have work to do,” I closed my eyes, curling up inside the covers. “Anthony’s waiting for us and…” his voice softens with his next words. “I’m waiting for you,” I closed my eyes, wishing he’d go away. I just need time to process.

Even though I’m fooling myself, I just want to process this and not rush myself. But how exactly do you process something that you don’t remember? All I have is the aftermath of what happened. A reminder that something did happen. I could fool myself and say that Mr Stark and I didn’t do anything, but my body’s telling me otherwise. Sore muscles, shakiness that I’ve never felt before and the hickeys all over my body. The hickeys were everywhere. Even on my inner thighs. It’s like…

It's like the man devoured me whole and I can’t remember even a second of it.

Did I like it? Or was it forced? Like something that needed to be done and dusted with. I’d assume Mr Stark is like that with his…temporary hook-ups. Oh my God, does that make me one of them?

Mr Stark will realize immediately that this was a huge mistake and he’ll fire me just so he doesn’t have to see my face again.

My mind’s racing with everything, but I’ve been purposefully pushing something to the back of my head. I didn’t want to face that reality yet, but now…it’s demanding its own attention.

I’m a transman, and I slept with another man. What did Mr Stark think of that? That he slept with a guy who has a v****a. What was his first thought? Did he feel…disgusted? Was he disgusted by my body because it’s different? I know that people hesitate to date people who are trans. Some even despise the thought of it. I’ve seen it on social media. Especially t****k. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve put off dating and…everything else. I don’t want to be ashamed like that. I don’t want to be ashamed for being who I really am. I don’t owe anything the correct order of life. It’s just not me and I should be unapologetic about it.

I’m proud of who I am, and I am enough. I don’t need anybody else to tell me otherwise. They’ve never been in my shoes. They don’t know what it’s like.

“Miles, your friend’s on the phone,” Mr Stark spoke up. He couldn’t have been standing outside that door that long. Has he? “I’m going to push it beneath the door,” I see his shadow move, before a phone is pushed through the small opening at the bottom of the door. “I’m giving you one more hour and you better be out that bathroom,” he said before walking away, slamming my bedroom door closed.

“Miles Sethulo Manando!!!” Indra’s voice shrieks from the phone. I crawled to where it was, wincing with every movement. Are you even supposed to be this sore after…sex?

“Hi Indra,” I greeted lying on the bathroom floor, the cold seeping into my naked back. It’s raining today and I can’t even enjoy it.

“Oh thank God,” Indra breathed out; relieved. “I thought you were dead. What happened? Why did Mr Stark answer your phone?”

“Because…it wasn’t with me?” I murmured, placing the phone on my chest, with a heavy sigh.

“Miles, what’s going on?” Indra asks me.

“I…nothing,” I said laughing to myself. “Everything is just fine,”

“Okay you sound like a psycho trying to convince a toddler that cutting their head off is just fine,” she said.

“That’s a disturbing description, but…I wish that was the case,” I said quietly. Indra goes quietly for a while. I’m scared to find out what’s going on in her head.

“Okay…something happened,” Indra said softly. “Am I right?”

“Yes,”

“And it’s bad?”

“Yes,”

“And…judging by Mr Stark’s words, you’ve locked yourself in the bathroom? Correct?”

“Yes,”

“And…you don’t want to talk about it?”

“No,” I said immediately. “Not anytime soon, at least,” I added.

“Okay, that’s totally fine,” she said. “So I’m assuming that you haven’t thought about the fact that you’RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR f*****g JOB!!” I jumped, grabbing my phone. I eyed it for a split second, wondering what just happened. “It happened. Whatever it is, it happened. You still move, alright? We don’t have the privilege to be sulking. Not at the stake of losing a job, so get your ass up and go to work,” I frowned.

“Why are you yelling at me?” I murmured, sitting up. “I have a hangover and you’re too loud,” I groaned. I kicked the cover off of me.

“Miles get up now,”

“I’m getting up, Jesus Christ,” I said, pushing the cover away from my body. I spotted a dark spot on the white cover and my eyes widened. “Oh no,” I said.

“What now?”

“Period,” I said. “I just got my period. This b***h can’t even wait for two weeks,” I stood up. “My day’s getting worser. Maybe I should stay her-“

“Not a chance. Shower, now,”

“Fine mother hen,” I grumbled under my breath.

“Weren’t you supposed to get your meds?”

“I did, they were out of stock,” I said. “Now I’m stuck with the uterus trying to annihilate me. Gotta go,”

I showered quickly and went on with my day, even though I was already late. I cringed when I looked at myself in the mirror. “Oh my God, he bit my ass too,” I said turning in the mirror to look at the huge bitemark on my ass cheek. “What is wrong with this man?” I grumbled under my breath as I applied lotion to my body. I can’t believe I’m blushing over this s**t.

How am I going to tell Indra this? What am I even going to tell her?

I struggled to find something to wear that will cover up the hickeys. I don’t need eyes on me. Not like that at least. By the time I was finished, I’d opted for a long black sleeve that qualified to be a polo neck and some grey pants. I grabbed the matching grey coat and my usual jewellery set. Rushing back to the bathroom to brush my teeth- I don’t even know why that’s the last thing.

“Miles, this is getting ridiculous. I have work to do and you’re making me run la-“ quickly putting on cologne, I dashed to the door, unlocked it and pull it open, silencing him.

“I apologise for that,” I said clearing my throat as we both stood in the doorway. “I’m ready to go,” I said my eyes finding his briefly. “Excuse me, please,” Mr Stark stood in the doorway, not budging for a moment too long. Sighing, he walked out without another word. I let out a heavy breath, doing my best to calm my rapidly beating heart while I rushed to grab my bag.

Mr Stark is sitting on one of the stools on the countertop, looking at his iPad. He looks up when I walk out of my room. “Miles, eat your damn food first, for God’s sake,” he says immediately when I made my way to the elevator.

“No can do. We’re running late,” I said pressing the button. The elevator opened immediately. “I’ll go start the car,” I raised my voice as the doors closed. Nearly slumping on the floor, I let out yet another heavy breath. I leaned against the wall as I was taken to the ground floor. When I get outside, the car’s already waiting at the front and Isaac’s leaning against it. “Isaac? When did you get here?”

“Last night,” he simply said. “Mr Stark called,”

“Right,” I murmured to myself. I’m definitely losing my job this time. I drive for Mr Stark. Majority of the time, I drive for him. “Okay then, Mr Stark will be down shortly,” I smiled at Isaac as I walked around to the passenger seat.

“What are you doing?” Isaac inquired, frowning at me.

“Getting in the car,” I said. “It’s raining and I’m getting soaked up,”

“Get in the back,”

“Oh no, I’m fine at the fron-“

“Miles, get in the back,”

“Oh come on, Isaac,” I all but whined. I don’t want to sit with Mr Stark. “I’ll be quiet. You won’t even notice I’m there,” I pleaded. “See? I’m tiny,”

“That is not tiny,” Isaac said gesturing to my body.

“Ugh,” I rolled my eyes. “You’re a mood killer, Isaac,” There goes another chance at avoiding Mr Stark. Grumbling, I got in the back and sat as far away from the door, gluing myself to the other door and busied myself with checking the emails for today.

I tensed when Isaac opened the door for Mr Stark, and he slid inside. My eyes were glued to the email but not one single word registered in my head. I can feel his eyes boring into the side of my face. I’m waiting for him to say something, even as I hope he doesn’t talk at all. The car ride has never been so excruciating. I thought about throwing myself out the window quite a few times.

Thankfully, Roman Enterprise wasn’t far from the hotel, so I dodged the bullet. Or that’s what I thought, at least. I hadn’t thought about the elevator up to the boardroom and this is the longest ride. I stationed myself in the corner and buried my face in my iPad, blinding myself in the process and silently hoped that the elevator closes before Mr Stark got here. Just as the doors closed, a foot jammed it to a halt before opening again. I huffed out when it was him and him alone. I’m stuck in the elevator with him, and I don’t want to find out what will happen to me.

Mr Stark takes up one side and for a moment, there’s silence.

“How long will you avoid me?” I fought back a flinch and gripped the tablet harder to keep myself from shaking. Mastering enough courage accompanied by a smile, I looked up at him.

“I’m not avoiding you Mr Stark,” I said looking away when his brows raised. “I’m right here,”

“Do you take me for a fool, Miles?” my eyes widened at that. I shook my head rapidly.

“No sir,” I said. “Not at all,”

“Then how long is this going to happen before you can talk?” he inquired. I gulped when he pushed off the wall, advancing on me. I suddenly hate myself for squeezing right into the corner. Now I’m trapped. My heart accelerates as I watched Mr Stark’s shoes align with mine, the toes touching. “I need to know when this childish act of yours will end,” he said and I closed my eyes, hating how his voice is suddenly affecting me.

“I’m not avoiding you,” I mumbled, looking down.

“So you think I’m a fool?” I swallowed hard.

“Uh…okay then,” I said quietly, bringing the tablet between us. “Mr Samuels would like your feedback on his proposal he submitted three weeks ago,” I said deviating the attention to business instead of…whatever this is. “Oh and there’s a lady that came in when you were absent. She sent an email to confirm with yo-“ I squealed when Mr Stark snatched the tablet from my hands.

“You’ve worked for me for three years and by now you should know that it doesn’t take me three weeks to give feedback, correct?”

“Yes,” I said shakily. “Sir,” I added quickly.

“In other words, the proposal has been rejected and I sent the email. Samuels has been playing you,” he tells me. “I sent Miss Johnson an email, letting her know her interview is schedule for when we go back,” I nodded. “Is there anything else you want to us to discuss, to avoid talking to me?” I gulped.

“I’m not avoiding yo-“

“Say that one more time,” I flinched, snapping my mouth shut. “Look at me,” I looked away, my heart pounding in my chest. “Miles, you’re testing my patience here,”

“I don’t want to talk,” I blurted out, breathing heavily. I squeezed my mouth when he raised his hands. “I don’t want to talk,” I repeated. “About…what happened. So please don’t force me,” I whispered.

Silence.

I peeled one eye open to see if he was gone. He was still standing right in front of me, watching me. No doubt judging me as well.

“You’re acting weird,” Mr Stark pointed out. “If you’re acting like this, then we should talk,”

“I don’t want to talk,” I said quietly, my breath hitching when Mr Stark closed what’s left of the space between us. Instinctively, I tried to push him back, but he wouldn’t budge. Instead, my hands are touching torso and I can feel how toned his muscles are underneath the shirt he’s wearing. Somehow, this felt too intimate, and I didn’t know how I feel. “You’re crowding me sir,”

Immediately Mr Stark stepped back, creating distance between us. I let out a heavy breath, dropping my arms to the sides. “You told me you weren’t a virgin,” I sucked in a sharp breath.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked looking up at him with a frown.

“You’re acting like a virgin,” he said bluntly. The elevator came to a stop then. I looked away, pursing my lips. I didn’t expect that to affect me.

“Well…if it concerns me or…my v****a, I reserve the right to say no to anything you ask me,” I said with a finality before walking around him out of the elevator. I went straight to the boardroom, my heart still beating fast.

Would it have inconvenienced him if I were a virgin? He has the f*****g nerve to tell me I’m acting like a virgin. I’m f*****g confused and hungover and he thinks I’m acting like a f*****g virgin. The f*****g gall. I’m almost tempted to go back and give him a hard slap, just because I can.

Sadly, I don’t want to lose my job.

“Miles!” I looked up at Anthony and the three other people sitting with him. “Are you good? What happened?” he hurried around the long table to my side, concern filled in his eyes. I let out a small smile.

“I’m okay,” I said quietly. “Sorry I’m late. Shall we begin? Where do you need me?” I asked looking around. Anthony looks at me closely for a moment too long.

“Please excuse us,” Anthony said out loud, and the three people walked out. “Emmanuel tells me you’ve been acting up. What’s going on?”

“I’m not acting up,” I said sitting down on the closest chair. Acting up can’t even cover it. I’m a trans guy, who was an i***t enough to forget his meds. Not only that, but my uterus is also attacking me as of this minute, I slept with a man who happens to be my boss, who thinks I’m acting like a virgin and childish, when in reality I’m confused and panicking. So acting up is a f*****g understatement. Instead, I say, “I’m fine,”

“Miles, you don’t look okay,” Anthony says placing a hand on my forehead, feeling for my temperature. “It’s the weather, isn’t it?” he guess looking out the windows. It was still raining.

“No,” I said looking towards the door. I’m expecting Mr Stark to walk in here, but he hasn’t. I looked back at Anthony. “I’m trans,” I blurted out. Anthony frowned at that. I don’t expect him to judge me seeing as he’s gay and he’d know a thing or two how it feels being in that situation. “I’m trans and…I haven’t had my bottom surgery yet. I forgot my pills at home and now I’m dealing with a raging bloody uterus and I…I don’t want to talk right now,” I said quietly. “Not with the hangover on top of everything else,” I slumped against the table.

“Uh…okay,” I hear Anthony say, taken by surprise. “Thank you for telling me,” I looked up at him. “I’d assume it’d be difficult to talk about that,”

“Well, I just blurted that out,” I said with a shrug. “But yeah, it’s not something to take lightly. I’d hope you wouldn’t judge me or something,”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Anthony said with a smile. “And…congratulations on your progress so far,”

“Thanks,” I said.

“So…painkillers?” he asked me pushing himself off of the side of the table. “For the headache and…the raging uterus,” I laughed quietly.

“Thanks,”

“Food?” he asked reversing to the door. “They have something at the cafeteria. I’m sure I can find something for you. Any allergies?”

“No allergies,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll be back,” he said before rushing out. I lied down for a moment, while I’m alone.

What am I going to do about this? I can only dodge Mr Stark for so long. What happens when he loses patient, gets fed up and fire me for real? Where will I go? Ugh, this suck. Alcohol sucks. I suck.

I sat up immediately when the door slid open, ready to help Anthony with whatever he could be carrying. Instead, my eyes meet Mr Stark’s eyes. He looks angry. And I’m screwed. I looked away and faced front, lightly tapping on the table. Mr Stark places my iPad in front of me and walks right into the other end of the table, his eyes unwavering as he watched me. Sitting down directly in front of me, he continued to look at me.

I don’t have time to think on it before I’m doubling over, clutching my stomach. I bit back a whimper, squeezing my eyes as the pain intensified. “Miles-“

“I’m fine,” I said quickly, only to whimper. “f**k,”

“Okay, I’m back,” I hear Anthony rushing in the boardroom. “Oh God, this looks bad,” I hear rustling next to me before he rubbed my back. “Here, take these first,”

“What’s going on here?” I hear rushing footsteps coming from Mr Stark’s direction. I looked up and sure enough, he’s now standing in front of me. Ignoring him, I grab the two pills from Anthony and threw them into my mouth before grabbing the bottle of water to wash them down. “Antho-“

“Shh,” was all Anthony said. Under different circumstances, I would have laughed. Only Anthony and Mr Kendrick talks to Mr Stark like that and get away with it. “Is it getting better?” Anthony inquired.

“It hasn’t been a minute, Anthony,” I said breathing through my nose.

“Right, sorry,” he said with a sad look. “Uhm…hot chocolate helps, I think,” he said pushing the cup to me. “Oh that’s what I’ve been told. Try it,”

“I can’t,” I said shaking my head. I feel like vomiting. Indra never had to deal with this intense trauma on her cycles. Or maybe she has and I’m just a whiny b***h. That couldn’t be possible when it feels like my back is carrying tons of weight and something is constantly stabbing my uterus. “I can’t eat now,” I said fighting back a gag reflex. “I think I’m going to throw up,”

“Oh s**t, okay,” Anthony pushed back my chair. “There’s a bathroom behind that door. Go go go,” he said helping me up. I’m sweaty and I just don’t think I can make it to the bathroom fast enough. An arm wraps around my shoulder and I’m rushed through the said doors and taken to the bathroom. As soon as I see the toilet, my knees give and I’m retching my throat dry. It all comes up. I can feel another presence next to me, but I don’t pay attention. Not when I’m fighting for my life over a f*****g uterus.

God hates women. I swear to God, men got the inspiration from God Himself. How the f**k do you explain this s**t? Like, He couldn’t find an easier way to recreate? The same way He made breathing easy and natural. I have to suffer in the name of a f*****g uterus. And He had the nerve to create levels of this s**t. Like the pain goes from mild to the devil’s fork constantly waltzing around your internal organs for three f*****g days.

I sat back once I was sure I wouldn’t throw up again. I blame alcohol for throwing up, although it should have happened in the morning.

“Miles-“

“I’m fine,” I said hoarsely. I stay in the same position for a few more minutes and Mr Stark still hasn’t left. A knock on the door and Anthony peeked his head inside.

“I’ll take it from here,” he said coming to my side.

“What?”

“Thank you Emmanuel, I’ll take it from here,” he said pushing Mr Stark out the bathroom.

“Wha-“ he slammed the door in his face. Again, under any circumstance, I would have laughed.

“Okay, have some water,” Anthony gave me a bottle of water. I gurgled up on the toilet before drinking the rest. “If you need to brush your teeth, I think there’s supplies here. Or there should be, at leas- oh there’s one,” I looked up at Anthony, wondering why he was being so nice to a stranger.

“You don’t have to do all of this for me,” I said quietly. Anthony only flashed me a smile.

“I know,” he said. “So I asked the ladies in this building for any possible quicker remedies and one of them gave me this,” he pulls out a box. I frowned, never having seen it. “It’s a…cramp something…reliever. You’ll paste it directly on the sore area and it’s supposed to warm up and…massage or something, I don’t know. Safety guaranteed. Wanna try it?”

“I guess,” I said.

I lifted up my shirt so that he can paste the cool device against my skin. Once it was secure, he pressed the button in the middle, and I felt it move slowly. I pulled down the shirt and went to brush my teeth.

By the time I was back in the boardroom, seated, I could feel the effect of the device. It was massage me, loosening muscles. I was more relax. The three other people Anthony had excused were back now and they eyed me suspiciously. I didn’t pay attention to them, and I accidentally met eyes with Mr Stark. He looked somewhat angry, and I didn’t get why. He has no reason to get mad at me.

Throughout the time spent here, brainstorming on the way forward for the company, I was less cranky. I’d even guffawed the now cold meal while the meeting was still going on. Anthony had excused me to his three colleagues, making up an excuse. He hasn’t assigned me a task yet. I know Mr Stark said until Anthony found his PA, and until we left Seattle, I’d work alongside Anthony to help him speed things up.

“What if you branched outside of the continent?” I spoke up, after a long time of them brainstorming and coming up short with ideas to help bring the company. I looked up, swallowing hard when Mr Stark’s eyes locked up with mine. I spoke out of turn and I meddled in what was not my concern. Truth is, I wanted to help Anthony. He’s really determined to make this work.

“We’re listening,” he said with a smile on his face, as he subconsciously swayed on his seat.

“Uh…” I eyed Mr Stark briefly. “I noticed that your previous clients – the ones that pulled out, are most within the continent. Branch out. Find other clients and investors from all around the world. Dealing with one continent is limiting the company, as we can already tell. Everything happening, it’s right under their nose, and that’s why it was easy for them to pull out,” I said. “Sirenio could be one of the good investors you can start with. If you put in a good work, they can help do more than bring in more clients for you,”

Anthony was deep in thoughts, tapping the pen in hand on his chin. “The aim is to bring back the lost investors and also interest newcomers. Sirenio can get you there,” I went on while they thought about it. “I can pull up a list right away, with your permission and see what I can get for today,” I finished looking at Anthony.

“I’ve heard of Sirenio. They’re commendable company,” the man in the middle spoke up. “The kid is right, sir,” I couldn’t help the scoff as I looked at the man.

“Kid?” I don’t know where the attitude came from, but I’m not in the mood to be belittled like that. “If I was a kid, I would be sitting behind a desk, taking notes,” I said tipping my chin. “Sir,” the man visibly gulped, shifting in his seat as he side eyed Mr Stark who was writing something on his brown leather notebook. A moment too long and the man hasn’t said anything.

“Apologise to him,” Mr Stark said. My eyes widened as I stared at him. I’m about to speak up when his eyes take in the man who’d insulted me. “Now,” he said watching him squirming.

“I apologise, sir,” the man said. “Pardon me,”

“How do you know Sirenio?” the lady sitting on the man’s right side spoke up, watching me closely.

“Research,” was all I said, looking away.

“How will you get them to meet us?” she inquired, regarding me with a distasteful look. What are these people’s problem with me?

I’m about to respond when my phone dings twice. “Excuse me,” I said picking it up. I was just going to check if it’s anything work-related, and if not, I’m switching it off. “I think that…” I trailed off when I opened the personal message from someone, I never thought I’d hear from. My heart jumps and then immediately shrivels up in what could only agony. I snapped the phone shut, placing it upside down on the table before grabbing my tablet to open the email I was told to refer to on the message. “Sirenio Group is hosting an event next week Friday, in London. I think that’s your chance to show up and mingle,” I turned to Anthony who’s smiling widely. “It’d be a great time as they will have watched the Conference call this Friday. They’ll know about the changes and what to expect,”

“Sirenio hasn’t announced any events,” Mr Stark said, regarding me with a suspicious look, like the rest of them. I shifted in my seat, looking him in the eye.

“To be announced,” I said.