When The Rain Falls

CHAPTER 20

The door was heavy, and not easily mobile. While somewhat of an effort for her, Callen pushed it easily, his strong arms built from years of conditioning. He let the door slam behind him while he gripped his fists at his sides. She was maddening. It made the blood rush to his face and darken his pale skin into a deep crimson. As he stood in her room, his muscles and sinew tight, his anger burned like a coil in his stomach.

Raquel sat at the small vanity in the bedroom, her eyes staring into her reflection. She turned to face him as he stared at her. She had already changed into her sleepwear, a skintight black camisole and lounge pants. She had just pulled the final piercing from her ears and set the rings in a small container with the rest of her jewelry he couldn’t remember her ever wearing.

She pulled her glasses to her face and stared in his direction, a somber smile on her plump dark lips. Finally, she thought to herself. Rage. Even when he was yelling at her outside, he didn’t throw what she did back in her face. Only concentrated more on where she was going than what she had done. She stood and faced him, her hands to her side, ready to feel his hot anger douse her cold heart.

“You don’t get to do this.” He said, his voice a tight whisper. “You don’t get to take this from me.”

Raquel blinked, confused. “What are you talking about? Take what from you?”

“Me. You don’t get to steal this moment, Amelia.” He spat the word like poison, glaring at her. “You don’t get to kiss me goodbye and then retire away like a wraith. You owe me so much more than this. You owe me!”

Her face flickered, and her lips pressed together in a firm line. “First off,” she said. “My name isn’t Amelia. It’s Raquel. If you’re going to collect a pound of flesh, Officer, collect the right debt.”

Callen stared at her, his face immobile, his fists clenched at his sides. “Forgive me for calling you by the lie you told me for months, Raquel.”

Raquel turned from him and pulled the vanity chair out, facing it towards the bed. Sitting on the overstuffed duvet, she looked up at him and pointed a finger towards the chair.

“Sit.” She said. When he complied, albeit slowly, her shoulders slumped and she stared straight ahead. “What do you want, Callen?”

Staring at her temple, he growled “Look at me Raquel. I want that, for starters.” When she turned to him, he caught her eyes with his and he saw her father in them. Cold. Unfeeling. Guarded worse than Stirling Castle. He swallowed, trying to form the words. “I'll never see you again, will I?”

She swallowed. “No, you won't.”

That shook him. “Why?”

“I can’t stay in Scotland.” Raquel shook her head. “It’s not safe for me anymore.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know Callen.” She stared at the floor. “I’ll figure it out.”

He groaned softly. “I need to know, Raquel. Were my girls in any danger, at anytime?”

“Absolutely not!” Raquel shook her head, her eyes wide with shock. “I would have died before anything happened to Fiona or Ainsley. Besides, Jason overracted. I know Marcello. He would't have touched you all. At all."

Callen stared at her. “So at any time it would have been… you.”

“Yeah.” She let out a small breath. “Marcello has always been unstable. Always believing that, in the end, he should be the one and only heir. But he won’t kill anyone except us.”

“I see.” He nodded, trying to form his next words. “Jason told me some things, Raquel. I need your honesty. You owe me that."

Raquel nodded, and Callen continued. “Jason said you were being prepared to be the heir? Not Marcello.”

Raquel wrapped her arms around her midsection. “I was. When Marcello got hurt in an accident, and Sara and her mom didn’t want s**t to do with my dad. Then something happened to me.”

“Jason told me what happened. When you were thirteen,” Callen whispered, remembering the details of her attack. His eyes fell towards her side, where her waist curved inward, and he remembered the prominent, raised marks.

She looked at him with a somber expression. “I had to take it. For everyone.” Raquel shook her head. “I had so many surgeries. Trying to correct it. Trying to see if I could at least carry. Eventually, the scar tissue choked out my insides, and my eggs became nonviable. I’m only keeping my ovary so I don’t have to go on hormones. Eventually, I’ll have to have a hysterectomy, but that’s the least of my worries.”

“I see.” Callen nodded, trying to keep the sorrow from his voice. He cleared his throat and took a breath, carefully choosing his next words. “Was that the real reason you hadn’t slept with anyone?”

Raquel shook her head. “After that happened, my dad decided that dating and doing normal teen girl things weren’t in my agenda. Everyone knew who I was. Everyone knew what happened to me. And he made it clear that no one could touch me. Ever.” She squirmed slightly and wrapped her arms around her waist. “Because of that, of him, I didn’t feel comfortable with anyone. Never. I just… felt… I didn’t want to be vulnerable to anyone, Callen. And opening my body up is just as being vulnerable to someone as opening my soul.”

“Why me then?” He asked. She looked away from him and shook her head. Sensing her unease, Callen stared at her. “Was I just an experiment to see what you were missing?"

“Because I wanted you, Callen.” Raquel turned to him, and laced her fingers together, her knee brushing against his leg. “I’m not gonna lie about this. I’m not a sad case of never being kissed. I’ve had secret boyfriends that lasted a month or so. I’ve just never felt the urge to go through with anything more. I’ve never felt anything needed to be done, passed a kiss or a cop felt, or whatever.”

“Again, I ask you, Raquel,” he replied. “Why me?”

She took a deep breath and looked at the wall, rubbing her palms together. “When you kissed me. In your bedroom. It wasn’t like any other time. I didn’t want to just get it over with. I wanted it. It’s really difficult to explain other than that it's different with you.”

Callen nodded, and leaned his elbows on his thighs. “So. In a way, you used me.”

“I didn’t want to. I don’t see it that way,” Raquel softly replied. “I guess, if that’s how you see it, then it is what it is.”

He ran his tongue over his lips. They felt as dry as sand paper. He didn’t like this conversation. “Did you mean what you said to me tonight?” When she stayed quiet, he pressed on. “Did you mean it when you said you would have left me?”

She slowly shook her head. “No.”

“Then we had a chance.” He said. “We really, truly had a chance.”

“No.” Raquel whispered. “We didn’t. We would have had maybe a few years? I wouldn’t have survived. Eventually, he would have found me and killed me.”

Callen breathed through his nose. “I would never have let that happen.”

She curled her lip slightly. “Yeah, right. Like you could have stopped him.”

“Don’t ever doubt me, Raquel.” He replied sternly. “I would have gotten in front of any bullet that came towards you.”

She scoffed disbelievingly. Callen pushed forward, tilting his head to try and face her, his hands laced between his knees. “So. Would you have stayed with me? And me girls?”

Raquel nodded. “I would never have left you. I fell for you. I didn’t want to. But it happened.”

“Is it my turn to not believe you, Raquel?” Callen asked. “How do you know you fell in love with me, as you claim you’d never experienced a damn thing like it before.”

“What else could it have been, Callen?” She asked.

“I don’t know. Security, infatuation?” He shrugged. “You saw what I have and-"

“No.” Raquel bit back bitterly. Glaring at him, her hands gripped the hem of her shirt, twisting the fabric. “I don’t think you understand, Callen. I have more money than you. I could buy your life ten times over and still retire. I worked so I could have a steady paycheck and not touch my savings. I worked so I could live here, and use the money I have to run. Change my life. Change my identity. Change any and everything I needed to. I didn’t need your security. I have my own.”

“Is that so?” He replied, his voice almost a growl. When he narrowed his eyes and stared at her coldly, she cringed.

“Yes, it is so.” Raquel replied,, sensing his disbelief. “I didn’t want what you had. I obviously had my own.”

Callen sucked his teeth. “Then what did you want, Raquel?”

“I wanted you. When I first saw you come at Jules, Even when you were an asshole, I didn’t understand it, I just wanted you.” She stared at him. “What, is that so hard to believe?”

Callen scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. “So it was just physical. It wasn’t my wealth you wanted, it was just my body?”

“Wow.” Raquel whispered, barely loud enough to reach his ears. “When you get angry you just concentrate on one thing and hardly deviate from it. In case you didn’t notice, you’re not exactly on the cover of GQ magazine. You’ve said it yourself. You’re an aging, angry, surly old officer with a chip on his shoulder and raising two girls you have almost no help with. It’s a lot to take on, you know.”

“Hmph.” He looked away from her, the truth stinging more than he wanted to admit. She reached for his hand and pulled it close to her, wrapping her fingers around his wrist and palm.

“I fell in love with you. With your long hours, with your bitchy morning routine. I fell in love with your crappy mood swings, with your shitty temper, with your lame reasoning about how life is. I fell in love with your beautiful personality, with your amazing smile, with how you laugh and how you loved your children.” Raquel smiled, memories bright and vivid of their life together passing in front of her eyes. “I fell in love with you. I fell in love with every goddamn beautiful and ugly thing about you. You don’t seem to understand that. But it’s fine. It’s over now and we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Standing, Raquel let go of his hands and pulled the top duvet back, flinging it aside. “We’re done here. Just go. I don’t even care if you stay. Just let me sleep.”

Callen stood quickly, grabbing her wrist. “Wait.” He took a short breath. “I fell in love with you, too.”

Raquel looked at him then, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. “Then why did you hurt me Callen? Why did you choose that for us? We could have had a few good years. But you took that away. Why?”

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t. When she saw his head hang, her shoulders slumped and she looked away, feeling her wrist being released.

“We both did some stupid s**t, Callen.” Raquel spoke softly. “But nothing you did to me compares to what I did to you. To everyone. So please. Just consider yourself forgiven. And understand I don’t expect the same.”

The silence hung between them, the tension heavy. She pulled the rest of the sheets back and slid under them, one leg at a time. “It’s late.” She said softly, leaning back and pulling the covers over her chest. “I think we should call it a night.”

“I don’t want to stop talking.”

“We don’t have anything more to say, though, do we?” Raquel moved to the middle of the bed, rolling on her side, her back towards him and facing away. “Good night Callen.”

He stood, and stared at her back for a moment before he reached for the lamp, clicking the bulb off. Without a word, he crawled under the covers and curled himself around her form, wrapping a long, strong arm around her middle. She didn’t resist when he pressed his lips into her hair, and kissed her softly behind her ear. Bringing his legs up behind hers, he squeezed her, hard, hard enough he knew her ribs hurt, but he didn’t care.

“I tried to make it work in me own head.” He whispered. “But all I could think of was what I couldn’t give you. I don’t want anymore children. I don’t want to get married again. I didn’t want you to stay stuck with someone like me, waiting for me to settle down and give you the life you deserved.”

“Callen,” Raquel said softly. She pushed her body back into his, and wrapped his arm around her closer. “I didn’t care.”

“I know this now.” He pressed his face into her neck and laced his fingers with hers. “I know. All I could think was what if you tire of me. Got bored. Met someone else who ignited something in you I could never touch.”

Raquel pulled away and rolled over to face him. Pushing an arm under her pillow, she gazed at him in the dark, the minimal lighting illuminating what features the shadows didn’t cover. She reached over and stroked his jawline, feeling the stubble of his cheek, and dragged a finger to press against his lips. He kissed the tip, his mouth lingering until she pulled her hand away. Adjusting herself to move closer to him, Raquel wrapped her arm around his narrow waist and pulled herself closer, until her forehead rested against his shoulder. Callen leaned back as she laid on him, his arms cocooning her.

He swallowed, and closed his eyes, relishing her soft touch on his face. “The last time I held you like this, was the last time I truly felt connected with someone.”

“Oh? Not the tabletop antics or the bedroom circus after?”

Callen smirked. It only lasted a second before his lips fell again. “No. That was s*x, Raquel. This, this is intimacy. This is what I want, desire. Connection.”

She swallowed, and gave a soft nod. “I’ve never felt this for anyone in my life, Callen. I fought it. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I knew I couldn’t stay. I stayed longer than I should have, and we both got hurt.”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Raquel.” He whispered into the dark. “I just thought you wouldn’t want me. I’m so much bloody older than you, and all I could think of was the day you figured out I wasn’t worth being with. I thought if I could have my old life back, it would be easier to forget you.”

“I can see how you can feel that way,” Raquel said softly.

He swallowed. “Who lived in my house? You, or a façade? Do you dye your hair and wear insane amounts of make-up, pierce yourself enough to become magnetic to hide, or is that you? Did you truly love me girls, or was that just to keep your head down? How much of Raquel was Amelia?”

He felt her take a breath, and shudder it out. “I couldn’t hide my love for you and the girls, Callen. That was real. I loved you guys more than any life I could have chosen. I wasn’t allowed alternative expressions when I was growing up. When my father died, I was able to do it without any issues, and I love it. I like who I am now. I feel like this is who I’m happiest as. Meant to be.”

“So this is you.” He kissed the top of her head. “Not some horrible facsimile.”

“ The only thing different is my name. Everything else was… me. Including when I fell in love with you.” She paused for a moment. “So did it work? Did you forget me?”

Callen sighed softly. “No. It made me realize that if you had left me, it would have been worth it. All of it. Every goddamn moment I had with you, every frustrating second.” He tightened his grip. “I love you Raquel.”

“I love you too, Callen,” Raquel responded. Her arms tightened, and she laid still. “I’ll always love you. I feel like you’re the one I was waiting for, and didn’t realize I was waiting.”

“Then stay with me-"

“No.” Raquel interrupted him.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” Callen pulled away, and sat up slightly. He brought her face to his, and gazed at her through the darkness. “We can make it work. We can rediscover each other, learn about each other again. I can talk to me girls-"

“Callen, do you realize how one small doubt caused you to do what you did? What are you capable of, now that you know about me, when those doubts keep coming?” She replied softly. He didn’t know how to respond, so she took it as an invitation to keep talking. Laying her head back on his chest, she breathed softly. “You’ll never be able to trust me, Callen. When you look at me you’ll wonder who I am. If what I’m saying is true.”

Callen absorbed what she said, and softly asked, “You won’t give us a chance, will you?”

Raquel whispered. “You’ll never believe me. Believe who I am. What I say. I can’t live like that, Callen. And neither can you.”

Defeated, he leaned back against the pillows and sighed, pulling her close. When Raquel tried to pull away he gripped her, tight, holding her close to his chest. “No.” His voice sounded deeper, tinged with an emotion she had only heard from him twice. “You’re leaving me Raquel. Again. Tomorrow you’ll be gone.”

“I was gone two months ago, Callen."

“Then don’t leave me tonight. Just let me have this.” He pulled her tight, close to his chest.

Her lips pressed against his collar bone, and her arms slid around his waist. “You still hate me, don’t you?”

Callen tipped his chin and smelled her hair. Fresh raspberries and mint. “Not anymore than you do I, Raquel. I don’t know how to feel about all this.”

He didn’t know how she ended up underneath him, his palm gripping her shoulder, his other hand pulling at her waist while he thrust himself inside of her from behind.

At the same time, he didn’t know how she ended up on top of him, wanton, her hands all over herself and him while he held onto her for all his worth.

All he knew was that he had to hold on, manipulate her body to orgasm, burn a scar on her in the shape of his grief.

She marked him in return. With every shudder and gasp, she scarred him. Seared into his body her mark. Branding him, owning him. And when he spilled into her for the last time, her body desperately gripping him like a lifeline, her throat choking out one last pent-up scream of release, he didn’t let go. He stayed within her until his body pulled out on its own, with his arm wrapped securely on her hips, his mouth on her breast.

He hurt her until she couldn’t move, and then became the balm that healed her. There were only a few moments in which she didn’t have tears slipping down her face, and for a few moments he was blinded by his own. He didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to just stay in the moment. Yet when he awoke, like the last time they had been together, she was gone, only a whisper of her scent on the sheets they lay on.

He looked into the closet, the wardrobe door open, and saw everything she owned had vanished. The drawers were empty, her toiletries thrown into the trash. Any reminder of her at this apartment was gone, taken away, except for the soft feminine touches she gave to the place. Flowers that were wilting. Dishtowels that matched curtains hung haphazardly on the oven handle. She had even thrown out the food she had in the fridge. Callen sat down at the kitchen table, numb.

It was like the first time she had left.

He walked to his trousers and pulled his phone out. Missed calls from Arya with text messages and voicemails. She called him all night, frantically. Inwardly groaning, he sat down and dialed her back. Unsurprisingly, she picked up on the first ring.

“Callen!?” Arya shouted, breathless. “Callen, where are you? My God, my sweet man, I was worried sick!”

“I’m fine… I’m fine. Arya, listen-”

“No, Callen, please, listen to me, let me tell you what happened.” She almost whispered. “Jason came to the house, and demanded to see Amelia. I promise you, he wasn’t there for me.”

“I know, Arya.” Callen pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. “I know Jason didn’t want you back. We spoke.”

“Was he seeing Amelia?" She sounded worried. “I can’t possibly imagine that he would want-”

“He wasn’t seeing Amelia.” Callen rolled his eyes, annoyed. “That's another story. But we need to talk, Arya.”

She sighed, exhausted.“Well, of course we do. We need to talk about why you neglected to come home last night, where you are now, and why aren’t you with me and your child?”

He waited for the dread to come with telling her the truth, but felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. “I was with Amelia,” he said truthfully. “And we need to talk about us.”

His wife was silent for a long minute, and Callen tried to fend off the numbness he felt, and failed. “Callen,” Arya asked softly. “What did you do?”

“I want a divorce.” He replied quietly, as if it would soften the blow. “This was a mistake. We’ve already signed the paperwork. It’ll be done in less than a month, and we will part ways.”

She sputtered in disbelief. “Callen, what? What are you talking about? We were doing wonderful-”

“No, Arya. We weren’t.” He didn't let her speak. “We are strangers in a bed. Ainsley refuses to speak to either of us, Fiona is mute, and your parents are badgering you to get back to Jason now that they’ve come to the understanding that I am not going back to soliciting.”

“Callen,” Arya spoke softly. “We can work it out. Our children need us. I-”

Callen interrupted her. “Us coming back together harmed the girls more than helped. Where is our oldest right now? And what has our youngest said in the past three weeks?”

“They’ll come around, Callen. I just need to be there more.” Arya’s voice cracked. “Where are you, right now? I’ll come to you. We can talk about this.”

“It doesn’t matter where I am, Arya.” He stood up and stalked to the small living area. “Do you realize what we’ve done? Why did you come back to me, Arya? I begged for years, until I finally let you go.”

Arya dramatically sighed, and he remained still, waiting for her answer. “Because I love you, Callen.”

“Do you truly love me, Arya?” he asked softly. “Please tell me you’re not trying to convince yourself you do, because you know it’s not true.”

“How could you say that?” She cried out. “I told you, I am your end game! Amelia was far too young for you. You were a fool to think that you could belong to anyone but me, and-”

“Arya, how old is Jason?”

“I, er, what?”

“I asked,” Callen said codly. “How old is Jason?”

“What does it matter?”

“Because I know how old Jason is. He’s only a few years older than Amelia. Tell me Arya, did you really fall back in love with me,” Callen spoke his next words clearly, almost callously. “Or were you afraid that you were too old for Jason, and he’d want what you couldn’t give him?”

Arya gasped, and sputtered her words. “How dare you, Callen Fraser!”

“Did you purposefully come to my home, where I was happy, with another woman who made me happy, and throw your insecurities on me?” He said, his knuckles turning white. “Did you see me happy with someone else, and want that to be you? Because you felt Jason wouldn’t want you, you played on my fears to convince me that Amelia would be the same?”

Arya had no words to speak. Callen’s face grew hot, and his skin felt heated. “It’s true, isn’t it? You convinced me that Amelia wouldn’t want me… When it was you who were afraid Jason wouldn’t want you.”

“Callen, tell me where you are.” Arya begged him. “I’ll come to you, we can talk-”

“You threw your insecurities on me, and ruined what I had. You made me hurt my children, hurt my mum, and hurt Amelia. Why, Arya? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?”

When she didn’t answer, Callen sighed. “I’m at Jules. I’ll be here for the weekend. Do not come over. Just leave me house and leave your key under the mat.” He snapped back at her. Shutting his phone off, he stared at the screen before throwing it against the fireplace. Taking a deep breath, he pulled his trousers on and stood up, lacing his belt through the loops. He cursed as he pulled his shirt on, and once he did the final button, a loud knocking snapped him out of his reverie.

“Ay, come in.” He shouted.

Jules opened the door, gave Callen a look, and shut it behind him. He looked around the apartment. “Guess Jason got ‘ere early ‘nough, eh?”

“Ay.”

“He said he was gon’ be here bright an’ early.” Jules stood in front of Callen, and then looked towards the fireplace. He picked up the phone and gave a low whistle. “Ay, good thin’ ya invested in that Otter Box thing y’girls were tellin’ ya ta git.”

Callen stood up and snatched the phone away. Shoving it in his pocket, he didn’t look at Jules once before heading to the kitchen. “Coffee, old man? She left some behind.”

“Y’still mad at ‘er, aintcha?” Jules said. Callen didn’t reply, only turned on the kettle. “I dinnae know what y’talked about last night, me boy. But I kin tell ya what 'er an' I talked 'bout.”

Jules stood beside him, staring at his profile. “She loved y’. She loved everythin’ ‘bout y’. Y’gave ‘er purpose ta wakin’ up in the mornin’, ta sleepin’ through th’night, an’ a reason.” Jules saw his head tip slightly towards him. “Raquel was in love wit’ya. An’ for a girl who never experienced it, it was the truest, most powerful form of love I’d ever seen, and probably won’t see again.”

“Where is she going, old man?” Callen spoke softly. “When will she come back?”

Jules reached for a mug that Callen had placed on the counter, and gazed down at the dark liquid inside. “She’s not, Callen. She won’t be returnin’. Safe t’say, son, neither of us will ever see her again.”

He stared down at the mug and walked away, leaving Callen alone to fight his thoughts.