Audrey's strength

Can't be just ok?

"Audrey will you help me with shower" without answer we went to bathroom. I gave Emily magic cream.

"Audrey I'm happy that this one will never do it again. But if it was my fault, what if next one appears"

"Emily f**k! It wasn't your fault, he abused you not you him. He was sick not you. Please don't blame yourself"

"I'm trying"

"Try please! You beautiful so samrt and good person! I can find for you good specialist. Maby you need it?"

"Maybe later, now I want feel better, and need find some self defense classes"

"In this I can help and go with you. Now come you need sleep" I walked with Ems to her bed. On floor layed down Bastien.

"B please don't. If you want so much stay in here lay down by my side in bed" she was serious.

"Ems no"

"Yes Bastien" I left them. I felt sleep fast after I closed eyes.

Jess got up much earlier than me. He woke me with plate full of pancakes.

"Baby, breakfast" his low husky voice was my favorite sound.

"I can get up"

"no spoiling time, sit" I obeyed as always. Got morning kiss and food. Jess left bedroom. I ate and got ready to school. Before leaving room I wished for good day.

"when we get back will go for car for Emily. Ok?"

"yes sir" Bastien was in better mood.

Jess and me went to school. It wasn't easy day. On every classes or were tests or teachers checked our knowledge by questioning. Madeleine ate lunch with us. It was something new but I liked this girl. But with her presence by us we had to deal with over students who started at us and with gossips. When I felt strange Mel looked at me with smile

"How you said it f**k rest and live your life" so I did.

Rest classes were easier. With last bell I was exhausted. Jess waited for me by my class. Catched me when I didn't notice him. And with his arm around my back we got to car. Goodbye school.

Emily and Bastien waited for us by the building. When we parked they slide to back seats and we were on the road to my house.

In guard both greet us Mr Johnson. I hugged him. Told him that I'm taking audi. He opened garage and gave me keys.

"Miss Audrey I'm sorry I wasn't able to protec you"

"Mr Johnson it's me who should say sorry!"

"It was my task to keep you safe"

"look at me I'm in one piece"

"have great day Miss Audrey"

Emily sat behind wheel and smiled as nothing bad happened. Bastien chose passengers seat and they went for some road trip. Jess and me came back to flat. I layed down on couch. Jess went to kitchen.

"Baby will you kill me if we order food?" he was as tired as me.

"do we have your soup? I will take it and steal some your food" his laugh meant he didn't belive me.

"I will order double" I send pillow in his direction. And fast got it back.

"you don't want start pillows war with me"

"oh really"

"yup"

"you lucky I'm tired" he was obsessed with one side of bed. Even on couch he dragged me to edge and slide behind me. Warmth of his arms relaxed me and our nap began. From dreams brought us back Emily with Bastien they tried be quiet.

"hi" I mumbled

"we got food so weak up and let's eat"

Food was tasty I was sure it was from the city, but didn't ask. Emily fight with her demons. She flew from time to time with thoughts but got back every time with smile.

"Jess how much I owe you for clothes?"

"nothing" she gasped.

"Audrey car is full of gas may I at least pay for it?"

"nope"

"so I will pay for our training" I laughed.

"I already arranged it. It's for free for a***e victims so nothing to pay for"

"when can we start?"

"next Thursday"

"thanks guys for all you did for me" her tears group us in one strong hug.

"OK end of drama! Now you both go learn"

"coffee first, who wants?" I heard 3 strong "me"

"4 double coffee 3 with milk coming" we laughed for some time. After Ems and Bastien decided watch movie. We went learn.

"baby you booked tickets?"

"yes"

"we need chose some hotels"

"tomorrow, I'm still reading about it"

"I'll pay for rooms"

"fine"

"why you smiling. I know this smile, what you did?"

"rent car for us"

"can I ask?"

"nope. It won't be so cold as here now, but 20,23 degrees in Celsius"

"is it important?"

"No just saying that won't be hot. So forget about bikini, but shorts why not" I giggled tried change subject.

"is car important to weather?"

"not really" I liked make him being irritated.

"baby car is part of 20th so don't ask" while I was saying it I walked to his chair and sat on his laps. Put my hands around him and kissed my grumpy boy.

"won't ask again" we could go back to books.

"Audrey"

"yes?" he giggled.

"what?"

"nothing baby. I'm printing my notes for you. I see you still didn't touch history and I finished it now" printer started working.

"thanks, I'm not good in chemistry always need more time with it" I took papers.

"I can help you with that"

"thanks just finished it, but next time will use you"

I read Jess notes. He had different style of writing than I. But it was pleasant to go through. In the middle was paper started with words

"sorry for this way of my goodbye Jess"

I looked at Jess he was calm so it wasn't on purpose. I didn't want read more. I strength my hand with it to Jess.

"Jess I think you put to printer something not for me" he looked at me and took paper.

"f**k, sorry baby I must had it open in back and press print all" he was still looking at me. I got tears in eyes and away with thoughts how he felt when he read it, how react at his brother words.

"Audrey"

"yes"

"you read it?" I shaked my head in no.

"read" he gave me his brother suecide letter.

"it's not for me Jess"

"I wanted show it to you, just never was right time. Read you will meet Todd" I took this letter to my hands.

"sorry for this way of my goodbye Jess"

My strength has gone. My power gone. Only sorrows stays.

From day I was born you were my only light. But now I realized that together we can't do nothing. I know I will hurt you, I know u will miss me. Belive me I wish to find other way, but death is my only solution. Still do me a favor.

Punch this motherfucker straight in testicle. Leave this grave we call home, find beautiful girl who you will love like crazy, and run from this sad place as far as possible.

You were always for me, so in my after life I will find this phisic responsible for life on earth and will ask to solve for you equation to give you happy future. Or better belive I'm totally gone and there is no after life.

Never blame yourself for my death. Thanks to you I lived so long. But I need let you go. You need be on your own. I can't dream of far away college, dream of be on my own, he will always find me, distroy me.

Promise me you will make your life full of love

Love you

Todd

I read Todd's letters few times. So many emotions, so much pain and he cared so much about Jess. And my Jess gave me as much time as I needed to weight every word.

"Todd was Hawking fan I see" I mumbled through tears.

"yes, that's why he wasn't afraid of hell." distant eyes begged me not talk more about it. I put Todd's letter to one of my notebooks they were more than diary.

"what's with notebooks?"

"you know I don't have friends, and can't talk about my emotions, feelings. But sometimes I need empty my head so I write."

"Can I read it?" f**k. I always write for me not to audiences. Which gave him.

"Audrey it's ok"

"I'm thinking which gave you first. It's not diary it's just my dealing with my life. Ok I know" I found one with title "I wish it was you" gave it to him.

"It's sometimes just one sentence. I work as David Bowie" I tried smile. When he took it I decided leave, Jess catched me. Grabbed my hips.

"Audrey you don't need to go."

"I don't want to look how you react. Prefer talk a little after"

"Fine" Jess kissed me and I was in living room. Still got in my head words from Todd's letter. They lived in some kind of nightmare. His father was a monster. What about mother? Why even once Todd didn't write about her. With my head full of thoughts I didn't notice what was going on couch. Bastien and Emily were kissing. When I opened fridge and took juice I put my eyes on them and burst with laughter.

"Well hello guys" Bastien stood up and run to bedroom. I sat by Emily.

"Can I get details. What I just saw?"

Emily cleared her throat. Thought from where to start.

"I was grumpy, I said that no one ever will be with me and Bash said that he never stopped wanting me. And you entered."

"What happened between you two earlier? If I may ask?"

"other woman Audrey. Before you was some girl behind bar, she liked Bastien. When she noticed we got something told me she slept with him, I felt betrayed. We had fight about nothing and since that day I teased Jess. I wanted hurt Bastien I chose Jess because he is loyal friend and it was safe. Now I know she lied. She knew won't get him but because of jealousy ruined us. If I talked with Bash, ask him all this could not happen! Audrey if any woman try do it to you - talk with him before doing something stupid"

In that moment Bastien decided join us. I found courage to get back bedroom. Jess waited in doors he was crying. Took me in his arms and slide us to room. I saw tears in his eyes earlier but he never cried like this. We sat on bed I tucked his head in my arms and waited till he stop.

When he did I felt his lips climbing to me. I knew this way of kissing and where it leads. I had to stop him. Once we've told to avoid s*x until we clear mess in us. And what we were doing? We should talk. I wanted stop him when he layed me down on bed but he focused on my spot. I felt vulnerable. With my hands on his shoulders pulled him from my neck he looked at me whose beautiful face wet from tears whose eyes still shying. I said nothing he kissed me. I could let him for this one kiss. Finally my senses came back.

"Jess we can't" I could barely speak.

"they probably do the same next room"

"you really think that?" I almost yelled

"f**k, no sorry. But still we here safe"

"Jess talk with me. We can't deal problems with s*x. It's your words!" he got off me and sat on beds edge.

"fine" I put my arms around him. He got heavy breath. Still held my hand in his.

"Jess" he didn't answer. So we sat motionless for some time. I was wondering why he cried, why he didn't want to talk with me. I kissed his shoulder, he my hand stood up and left me alone. Water was falling.

I was confused. He gave me his brother last goodbye. I gave him my memories worst memories. I shook my head and dressed in pj turn off lights and went sleep. Tried hard to not be awake when he was back. My body didn't let me run to land of dreams. He layed down as always by my side, covered me with his arm, his lips kissed my neck. I didn't move.

"Audrey?" I didn't answer.

"Audrey I'm so sorry. I acted like fool, selfish d**k. Please talk with me" I wasn't in talking mood, pissed at him. Now he wanted to talk. 'f**k you' yelled my brain.

"Baby let's play in question for question? Audrey I know you're not sleepy, please talk with me"

I turned to see his face. Still afraid that when I open my mouth will say too much. He layed on pillow so we were almost touching each. My eyes met with his. He saw my fury flames gave me time to calm down. His fingers stroked my face. I didn't know what to do. If I chose sleep we can never talk about this day. If I started talking will he feel he can act as d**k all the time.

"Audrey please say something! Anything"

"what you want me to say?" he got closer, our legs crossed, his muscular arm went under mine to held my back. As always our forehead glued.

"that you love me" he knew how melt my anger.

"I love you, anything else?"

"say Jess I forgive you being d**k" I smiled.

"Jess this one time I forgive you being d**k, happy?" he kissed me.

"you asked 3 questions so now it's my turn" Mutherfucker!

"Fine" he tricked me!

"why you love me?"

"worst question ever"

"still answer please"

"I liked way you curious, it payed my attention. Than I knew we similar, best in avoiding talking about what matters." I made small pause

"it's not a answer"

"I didn't finish"

"sorry I'm not used to your pauses"

"I felt in love with you, because with you I feel completely. Your small habits, way you laugh, way you look at me I'm strong when you close. I can't find right words to describe it. You showed in my life when I was drowning and you saved me." he kissed me held me for some time.

" Would you love me if I still got brother?"

" why not, still shity father left." worst answer ever

"Don't hide behind sarcasm Audrey"

"But will we met if your brother lives? Would you visit Hill? If u would run to Berkeley probably we met in California. If we had opportunitie to meet I would felt in love with you"

"Why?"

"Because you f*****g handsome, I can't get my eyes of you. Oh and if we talking about eyes. Yours my favorite in whole universe. If we met on Hill I would like know you better. This tall handsome guy. Would be curious if you like what I, if you as funy as sexy. If we met at university would we have same classes? If I saw you on some hallway I would be very interested in meeting with you again"

"Audrey I love you" we kissed

"yeah why? " I asked with smile

"because you perfect" our lips met again.

"it's not satisfying answer" he giggled

"you my light, my smile, my happiness, my salvation. You everything I want, you gave me everything I need. Better?" way he smiled, way he said it. I kissed him. Happiness flow through my vains mixed with fear. Jess felt it.

"Audrey talk" brown orbs pierced me.

"You think that what is between you and me will last?" I said it.

"you don't believe in us?"

"I do, but my brain creates many bad scripts"

"tell me the worst. " I rolled my eyes

"we help each with mess inside. I'm happy we can finally just look in future and you" I needed deep inhale.

"and you leave me" I closed my eyes.

"Audrey look at me" I did

"Baby I live with you in today's. Sometimes I think about future and you always in it. We created home where our friends came to rest from their problems. Why You think I could ever leave?"

"I don't know. You will be bored with me"

"Never" how could he know. After what less that 2 months together.

"now you can ask" did I really want it. I provoked this situation. 'So Audrey go!' my brain demanded.

"why you cried?" uff whis words found way out.

"couse I felt useless. Your pain, your story. I wished I could meet you years ago. I found my brother and it devastated me. You found your mother twice. She was so cruel and still you saved her." we had tears in eyes.

"how Todd" my voice was breaking.

"he hanged himself. I tried catch him. But he was so heavy. He was already dead when I entered home but I can't stop thinking if I cut him faster maby could rescue him" enough Audrey. I closed him in my arms. Didn't speak we were together nothing else matters. He kissed me and looked at me.

"I didn't finish baby" I wanted say you don't have to. But if he felt ready! I was for him.

"I heard few times I wish it was you from my father. And I always agreed with him. Todd had such warmth inside. Our father yelled at us and after Todd just asked if I'm ok. If I care for him more. You read letter he didn't worry of being dead but how I cope. After funeral my parents closed me in mental hospital. They left me with doctors let me quote 'to repair me' for them we were broken from beginning of our life. My father didn't saw that it was him who ruined our childhood. My mother who never protected us from him. Still I needed you to be able to run from them" my fingers stroked his face. I just looked at him didn't move to kiss him.

"You hate me now? because I'm coward and freak?"

"you waited for me because you and your parants were only one who understood what you been thru. Jess my grandpa send me to mental center after my mother's first attempt. So I know you not a coward. I know exactly how it is to try stay with your senses when you surround by all this pain and madness" we both started crying.

"Audrey?"

"yes?"

"I got one fear about us"

"Tell me"

"I can't understand why you with me. You so perfect. Beautiful, smart. I'm afraid you will realize that you deserve much more than guy with shity past." I played with his messy black hair and smiled to him.

"Jess you much more than guy with shity past" I was sure it's enough.

"what much more" he smiled

"you like when I tickle your ego, hmm?"

"very"

"you guy who I love Jess. Guy I'm addicted to. Guy who is so patient with me. Sometimes I can't stand me and you do. You cook for me, listening what I have to say. You Guy who I feel like princess with. And you kiss great and" he didn't let me finished. His lips closed mine. When I was breathless he mumbled

"I love you Audrey" we layed some time face to face. When Jess moved and turned me to other side.

"sleep please" sir, yes sir appeared in my head.

Some time passed and we were alone again. Emily found courage to go back to city and Bastien went with her

"how many more days?" I giggled

"two I think"

"so date on Wednesday" another kiss. I turned to him. My hand traveled to his croch

"If you want" he stopped me.

"my climaxes are connected with you. only when I feel your heat and when I feel you enjoy it I feel real pleasure." kiss in nose. And he turned me I knew what will hear.

"Audrey sleep" I chuckled and obeyed.

When alarm rang I hid under duvet. Jess laughed and left me for small nap. When he went out bathroom I was sleeping. Jess woke me up with kiss.

"Baby open eyes, get up. I'm going make breakfast but you need be up"

"no" I turned from him. His laugh woke me up.

"don't make me tickle you"

"no, no, no. I'm awake now, you can go"

"no! First get up and go to bathroom" I rolled from bed.

"yes my master" his eyes smiled as his lips. f*****g prince charming.

When we ride school I was still sleepy. I didn't know why it was so funny for Jess.

"Audrey?"

"yes?" I asked yawning

"you are the most beautiful sleeping beauty" I didn't react.

"And I love when you grumpy" I turned him, Jess was looking on road but it was me who saw car rushed straight for us from left. I put my hands on Jess knee and pressed his leg

"fast Jess"

He listened to me without hesitant we drove this car passed us inches from our rear bumper. Jess parked on sidewalk. I needed air, got off but I wasn't able to stand and I collapse on my knees. My hands landed on grass. Jess run from his seat to me. He was as nervous as me.

He sat opposite to me

"Breathe Audrey, breathe baby" few seconds later attacked me laugh.

"Jess I cheat final destination second time" he laughed with me and took me in his arms.

"baby you saved us" did I? Jess just done what I asked. I was still shaking.

"Jess if u didn't make me look at you" I wasn't laughing now tears run from my eyes. I around my arms around his neck.

"Jess if something happened to you" his strong and rough hands stroked my body.

"Baby I'm here, we both alive, Audrey you need calm down. Come one let me kiss you"

"it's all came back, it was so close now I can't"

"Audrey you need get a grip! Baby we need go to school, my queen please breath"

"queen?" my Jess chuckled. And kissed my temple.

"yes, now please we need go"

"good we drove your BMW" I wiped my tears with hand.

"no what if, ok. We made it and move on!"

"ok"

"now let me kiss you. I need it" our eyes met my fingers drown in his hair and our lips met. Jess stood up and we were on way to car. I panicked before sat on passenger site, but I fought it. We got school seconds before bell. First was English and big test with short story to write. Mine topic was life.

So I start with sentence "I touched death today. Wasn't thinking be or not to be, only surviving matters. Not mine but my best friend. From Harry Potter throu Lord of the rings to Handmaid tale I read about sacrifice for others. This obligation felt today. I was Frodo, Harry and all characters who didn't think about themselves."

I finished before bell. I stood up and gave papers to Mr Brown. He read first sentence and looked at me. Stopped me in class communicat to all students to go to gim after this lesson.

I waited for Jess. We gathered with rest, at gim Madeleine joined us. No one knows that happened.

Headmaster asked for silent.

"ladies and gentlemen today is sad day. We just got call from police. Our student, captain of football team Erick Malaren died in tragic car accident. Some drunk diver crushed his car on his way to school. My dear we finish classes for today. If someone need our Psychiatrist's office is open for you. We see each here on Wednesday. Another free day will be on Eric's funeral." friends of Eric started to cry. Me and Jess knew who killed him we looked each eyes. We got lucky Eric didn't.

" One more Audrey Monroe, Jess Logan please to my office" we looked at each and traveled on second floor to headmaster office.

With secretary was some men. Waiting the same as we. Headmaster came and invited all of us to his office.

"Audrey, Jess this men want talk with you"

"hi I'm detective Maron and this is detective Dowson we like show you something" he took tablet and show us and headmaster our morning meeting with this fucker who almost killed us. It was from town cameras. Was situation on road and after. Our director catched his head and gasped

"tell me about it from beginning"

Jess cleared his throat

"It's crossroads, my road had priority next got stop sign. When I entered it was empty. Audrey noticed car and yelled I pushed gas pedal and he passed us. I I had to stop. Audrey left car. When we catched our breaths we went school for test" nothing more nothing less.

"how you noticed this car miss Monroe?"

"Jess said something to me when I looked from window to him I saw fast approaching car"

"what have you yelled" I got blush.

"I pushed Jess leg and yelled fast. Thanks to God, gods, mother nature Jess trusted me and act without questioning" Jess catched my hand.

"you know that this guy to blocks away killed your friend"

"we supposed drive after him?"I got mad.

"no miss just saying. You both got a hudge luck, this was point of saying that. Did you notice driver, was he alone?"

"sir driver was much off limits it was seconds, I even didn't remember color of car until you showed us this video" I said truth.

"thanks, you free" we looked at headmaster he said goodbye and we had free two days. On hallway Jess stopped me and closed me in his arms.

"Have I told you that I love you today"

"Nope" I chuckled

"So I'm saying baby I love you"

"I love you, but let's go home and in I will tell you I love you every 5 seconds" he smiled

"Sure, or we can just ride for trip?"

"Jess I think I don't wanna spend much time in car today and I'm driving" he smirked