Audrey's strength

Among demons

It was late, I didn't want to go but we all had to be present on this school dance. It was opening new, last for us year at my High. Homecoming dance.

Earlier teachers had some announcements so it was dance with mandatory presence.

I couldn't wait for end of this school year! My plan was go as far as possible from my town, from my home, from my mother. I hated attending to this high. I dream about fresh start for very long. It was easy to dream while being alone in my room and putting up clothes.

Senior year! Students felt so grown up, adult kids!

Black was my choice for this night. Black heels, black leggings and black long shirt. It belong to my father.

Was much too long and too large. But with raised sleeves and open few buttons on top, with poultry belt on my waist looked perfect for me. With it I felt more confident, big gatherings wasn't my thing. I could go only in sweatpants and hoodie because right after announcements I was planning hide to read but I was afraid of people mostly ones at school. Me in comfy clothes would be topic to gossip for weeks. I liked conversations with strangers about nothing. But at school everyone wanted know more, so I avoided them. It's not their business what I feel and in how deep s**t I am with my life.

Shinny silver necklace with matching braslet complited my view I observed myself in the mirror with satisfaction Black was my color.

I was suppose to go but I started to think of my last days. My eyes got wet when I thought about my mom. She was again in bad state of mind. After my dad died pain and suffering took over her. She could not find strength to cope with grief. Now she said she will be OK but it's month of daddy's birthday and her demons came back it was only two months after being in mental hospital.

It has been so hard to look at her on the couch, lying for days, crying and drinking with no food and pills. I wasn't ready for her depression again. So I was out of building we called home. I slept in car on my favorite hilltop or at my uncle. I did all I could to avoid my mom. But with school year I was stock with her. Worst daughter ever.

I had to stop this thoughts I must to open other emotions because with sadness I wasn't able to leave.

So I chose anger.

Since school year beginning one new guy took all mine best reading places. Spots where I could hide from world and run away to one I was reading about. Books were my salvation. Living with life's of fake, unreal characters I felt like I have some friends. I envy them love, friends, I cried with them, and feel theirs sorrows hard. At school without energy and desire to making acquaintance I found space where I was invisible. But this tall annoying guy occupied them.

Situation between us two changed to a race. Who will be first me or him. When he already was on my place I always just said oh f**k you! And turned back on my toes. When he was second. Well I had no idea because I always read with headphones in my ears. The worst was lunch. I had best spot ever. One I was invisible still saw surrandings a table with only two chairs so safe from big groups and since I didn't get a long with anybody it was only mine. But he took it also.

Yes baby, I said in my head, now you ready to go. Think of it made my blood boiling. He has been ruining my daily plan I've loved to stick to.

We were living in house where my dad grow up. Because of my mom behavior - she didn't wanna change a thing in this place to keep it like in times she was with father in. So I didn't get old dad's room or his sister. My mom changed old grandpa office to my place. It was by living room so I had to passed my mother on her episodes. To avoid arguing I put hoodie on me to covered dad's shirt. She hated when I touched his things.

When I got out she was sleeping. I looked at her. Swollen eyes, wet from teers, greasy hairs and she was in the same t-shirt for I think three days - of course my father's. I was so angry at me that I couldn't help her. I felt her pain. I also lost dad who I loved so much. But no one gave a s**t about it.

She opened her eyes and tried smile to me.

She sat up and got the cigarette out of box. My mom didn't smoke but dad did mostly when he was nervous or to concentrate. So she just fired stick and waited for smoke cloud.

"at this moment he would be smoking . His precious baby go on dancing and look so beautiful that all boys will be looking at her, hit on her, my sweet James would be so angry" she smiled. I took cigarette and put it down.

"Mom I need to go. Aunt Claire will be soon but till she comes please don't put on fire our home" I tried to be gentle and grabbed from her pack of cigs.

When my mom had her episodes she couldn't be left alone. In one second she looked better and happier in other was full of rage or sadness. Twice she tried kill herself. And all who loved her tried help her and keep alive. We had Marry who cooked and cleaned for us. Was kind person. She helped mom during day in the evening aunt Claire. I was jinking her. I had enough. My dad died when I was 11 soon it will be 7 years since I lost childhood and youth.

I took keys and went to car. On driveway already was my auntie. I waved to her and drove to school.

We had few cars in garage. My grandparents had a lot of money. But only one was truly mine. My Mustang. I got it from grandpa on my 16 birthdays. But for today I chose smaller. I was sure some guys at school will drinking and trying get my permission to drive my car or do worst just because of jealousy. So Audi seemed perfect. Black, small but fast and safe.

When I got to parking lot at school it was almost full but I was able find place. I left cigs on front seat took a book I have been reading, took few deep breaths, finally got out of car. I didn't have friends at that school I also didn't have enemies but because of my mom and all drama people had been avoiding me. I also didn't look for friends or attention. But let's face the truth - Who would like to be around a psycho. Only one guy tried from time to time bullying me but I wasn't afraid of him. Few times I humiliated him when he tried to attack me. Strength and impulsivety I had after my dad. After my mom I was emotional. To avoid everyone I hide behind book covers and music in my ears. I didn't need friends. I was great on my own!

The disco-meeting opened our school psychologies. She talked for few minutes about stress. Than headmaster about challenges lay ahead, choosing our future path bla bla bla and finally music started. 'Ok it's time for me' . I could already go back home but I didn't want be with my mother. I wanted run from this miserable walls and heavy painfull atmosphere. I walked to my well covered spot to read in peace. It was under one of the gim 4 layers benches. The one I was sure No one will make out under. I was good prepared, had my book, flashlight, some snacks and water. Passing through dance floor no one paid attention to me. I just saw two girls watched me walking on my High heels. I finally got to my destination bent down and walked under bench. And I got furious! Of course he was already here.

"oh f**k me" I yelled. Wanted one more time but he got his head up and looked at me. For the first time I had moment to look at him while his eyes traveled from my shoes till my head. He had dark almost black messy hair with longer bang falling into his eyes. They were dark brown almost black. His face completed looking soft lips and sharp jaw. He was handsome.

"what the f**k is your problem! all the time you walk after me and curse at me. You lost some bet or you just retarded" none of his words sound like a question. He hurt me and my impulsivity took over me, I was close to slap him, but I just clenched my fingers in fists, and started shouting at him.

"what is wrong with you! You took all my fav places where I can be alone, and you call me retarded while you seem stupid enough to not understand it" my eyes filled with tears.

"nowhere here I see signed spot with your name. They not unique you now" he seemed smiling.

"I know, but here No one but me likes be alone" I felt calm.

His eyes was shimmering and pounded in mine. It was dark around but I could see he was really smiling.

"so now it's two of us." stalemate situation. Why guy who attracted in this school every girl wants to be alone?

"Let's do this. Here is a lot space so we can both hide. I will be in one corner you in second. And if u not here to chit-chat , blubbering or something we can both sit on that spot together and in others too, including lunch. Deal?" he straightened his hand to sheak with mine.

I nod, held his rough, huge and warm hand and said deal.

" can I chose corner?" my question made him smirk.

" sure" he took his hand and spin around.

I went to one I liked. Sat and took flashlight, book and snacks out of my bag.

He was still standing and I saw he couldn't believe how good I was prepared for this dance-read. He smiled and went to his corner, one closest to mine. I put my headphones and started reading. But I couldn't concentrate on words and every few seconds I put my head to staring at him. He was focused on his book and didn't pay attention to me. It was new for me. Reading beside someone who wanna be alone as much as I. This was odd. I saw his face. Was nice to look at and his smile! He was tall, good looking guy still didn't want attention and friends. I asked in my head with smile "what trauma boy is in you hmm". And at this moment he took his head up.

"you staring"

"sorry I" I had to think fast some excuse. "I was wondering if u wanna some sweets or chips"

"No thanks" he replied and got back to his book.

There will be no friendship from it but for the first time I was happy I'm not totally alone.

At 10:30 pm my alarm started bepeen and I began to collecting my things. Got up. He was still with nose in book in funy position.

After a moment he noticed movement and put his head up from cover of his book.

"you leaving? What time is it?" asked with his low voice, I felt strange shiver on my spine.

"it's 10:33 so perfect time to not leave first and not be the last and still with no worrying questions from parenst, so as I said perfect time"

He started to laugh and with good tears in his eyes said "you have all thought thru, I will try if it's work" he got up said bye and went home.

I was so in my thoughts that I got lost on parking lot. I forgot where I parked and which car I got here. I started to curse a lot and stomp mine foot on the asfalt. "f**k, f**k, f**k" focus Audrey my mind yelled at me. I looked around, there was still a lot of cars and I couldn't find my perfect black and yellow mustang. Someone stopped with his bike and was watching my performance. And when I cried came to me.

It was my 'being alone friend'. He took his thumb under my chin and put my head up. Gosh he was tall! I took of my heels and my eyes were on level his wide muscular chest! Gosh he was handsome, gosh he smelled so fresh.

"everything OK? Someone stole your car or your lift won't come?" he used his husky-mellow voice to calm me down.

"tell me what happened girl?"

He looked deep in my eyes and I felt warmth from this dark two coal orbs. Never saw such one in my life.

I took deep breath.

"I have car somewhere here. I was sure I drive with one but with all on my head for a moment I thought someone stole it, but I'm not sure anymore. So you were right I'm retarded" and I could stop tears. He clean my face with his thick fingers.

"take deep breath and focus. Try remember your way here. You left home and..?also check keys and mayby you will have a clue" wow what nice voice and smile

"Thank you, I remember now and idea with keys I need memorize it" I tried act normal as nothing happened but I felt ashamed.

"you need lift?"

"thanks I got my ride" he said and put his big hands on his bike, got on it and left.

I got to car, sat for a moment. Took a lot of inheals to calm myself down. I started to think that all that happened because my whole body and my mind didn't want go back home. I was horrified what I will find after steeping the doors. Rage, tears, fake happiness. It was all to much for me. Burden so heavy I didn't want bear anymore. 'Selfish stupid girl' get through my mind and I knew it's time to go home. My aunt met me by the door and got out while I was getting in. She just gave me cheek kiss and promised that everything will be ok. I didn't belive in that anymore.

My mom of course was sleeping on the couch. But auntie made her to shower and change cloths. She looked better but bottle of whiskey half empty was

sign that nothing is OK and never will be. I had to make a call to doctor Madsen I didn't see any other option. It's time. He will help her, mayby this time after treatment good days will last longer. Who I'm trying to fool!

Since her first attempt of killing herself I didn't close the door to be able to react. On the second attempt she was in fury. My own mother tried knocked out life from her daughter's punch after punch. When I was able to kicked her of me I run to my room and closed the door. Her emotions cooled down and she realized what have done, she went to kitchen and took knife to cut her wrists. I heard her screem. Although I was f*****g scared I went check and saw her in blood pool. Since that day, even in her worst rage attack I didn't close my door.

During whole weekend I was in my dad's sister room. I wanted avoid own mother so much. Being upstairs was better because I did not hear her crying or talking to herself. In my room I heard every glass of whiskey she was refilling every few minutes, every breath she took. Doctor Madsen didn't took my phones so I stocked with her till Monday. On Sunday as always my grandma called to check up me. I was crying to her that all came back, that I'm afraid, that I have no idea how to help her. My grandma couldn't find words to cheer me up, but I felt better just because I dropped all this on her. My grandma was my dad's mother. She lost both her children and didn't get depression, was hurt but didn't have any thoughts to. Kill herself. She was the strongest woman I ever met.

School week was OK. I had my new reading friend with whom I didn't have to fight for good spot anymore. I catched him few times on watching me. Twice we talked a little, he asked about teachers, nothing personal. I liked those our moments. Although we paid some attention of others during lunch. But when he didn't care about it I joined him in this feeling.

After school was better because my grandparents pay for nurse. And paid more to Marry to be staying with us also at night. Both were very nice and took care of my mother all the time. Doctor Madsen visited us on Tuesday and Friday. Was concerned and decided that next week will take her to hospital and after to his treatment center again. I thanked him but I knew that when she come back soon her demons will reveal themselves. She hated me. Blamed me for daddy's death.

Weekend came and I was reading when she got to my room she slapped the doors with hudge fury. I knew what to expect. Put my hands to fists and thought what reason she chose to show me how much she hates me. So what it will be this time . Rage in her eyes, looked like she was in flames. She was in father t-shirt only

"you b***h, u f*****g b***h who let you take his things. Why u touched it you f*****g little t**t. I hate you, f*****g b***h. You my pain in the a*s" she stood by me, beny and put her mouth to my ear to yelled

"it supossed to be you, not him, not him, I wish it was you".

I just sat and cried. I wanted stop tears but I couldn't. She saw it and smiled. Second after she was just laughing and than punched me. I tried stop her but she catched my wrists and inflicted me pain I was sure she broke both of my hands. I screamed out of air. It just made her laugh. I hoped she was done when she dropped my hands.

"stop crying b***h, it's time to die" and started choking me. In short period of time my life went through my eyes. I was happy that I will die and be with dad. "Not this time kiddo" I was sure it was dad's voice. And then I finally could catch oxygen.

"I wish it was you..." every time my mother said those words I really wanted this to happen. I wished this nightmare to be over. But I stocked beyond world of living. I didn't want do kill myself but to have strength to adjust to life full of sorrows. I was broken, but who isn't. Life isn't a fairy tail. It's more Penny Dreadful. But monsters and creatures are people, most of the time one who supposed to love us.