Dark Rose

Chapter 1. Okayyy...... So here l am just thinking what to say which is wierd cause l don't normally think, l just say, this is probably cause am over thinking but you know what, screw this let's just let it out Am at work right now waiting tables, not exactly how l planned to spend my summer before going away to college but due to financial problems, here l am trying to make ends meet. The mini bar next door is playing a certain song that keeps reminding me of this Italian guy that l met once on a school trip, it was butterflies at first sight, we spent the whole day behaving like two love birds, sneaking away from our school buses and walking hand in hand in the orchard, one thing led to another, we kissed and made out for about 10 minutes ,yea...it was a good day for me. Sadly we had to part ways because all good things come to an end. Who am l kidding, the truth is we tried long distance for 2 months but it didn't work plus he ghosted me. Maybe it's because we rushed, maybe if we had taken it slow, it would have worked!!. Ohhhh no no, am not doing this again where l blame myself for another failed relationship, come on Vicky get yourself together, concentrate on your work. As am waiting the tables, l look at the clock and christ!! It's almost midnight which means l might not a get a taxi to take me home which is 4hours away from work. Yea.. Incase you were wondering l live in the suburbs of New York, lots of people here in the streets living in poverty and hustling which is very discouraging for me cause it makes wonder "Will these people ever get out of this misery and for how long will they keep suffering?" Finally l got a taxi to take me home after a long struggle. I reach home and the first thing I do is sit down on the piano and play a sad song, l don't know why l do it but it's very comforting after a long stressful hectic annoying day of work. It helps me let out all the anger and pain well some of it. I guess l could say that's my own kind of therapy to stop me from going crazy. This all started when l turned 16 and realised I used to get mad all the time, at first l thought it was me being a teenager but then it got worse and constant to a point that l was always fighting with my parents over trivial things. Eventually l started hating and resenting myself for it because my loved ones were starting to hate me but after a whole spring break of reflection, l decided to accept it, reflect on it and learnt how to control it, that is how l discovered my love for sad songs. They would help me calm down and feel better which is why everyday after work l sit down on the piano and play a sad song before going to bed, thank you Tom Odell and John Carson for those beautiful songs, they really help. The hardest part about my day is waking up, I don't know why the alarm clock waits for me to reach on the best part of my dream that is when a prince is about to kiss me or am about to open a huge briefcase of money and all of a sudden, that stupid alarm hits ahhhhhhhhhhhh, it is so annoying, l just get out bed with alot of sadness knowing what awaits me everyday, a painful cold shower cause my roommate is too lazy to fix the water heater, a long walk to the bus stop escorted with the hot sun that decides to roast me with no mercy and by the time the bus arrives,l am sweating, panting and very thirsty but of course, there's no shop or water stand nearby so l just have to endure and get to work, yup, that is why I get out of bed every morning and cry for a few seconds because I l know what awaits me. Here l am at work and all l can think about is how tired and exhausted l am from work, people and life. I just wish l could make it all stop for a moment cause l feel trapped, overwhelmed and broken from so many responsibilities. I feel like my happy and peaceful soul has been taken away from me. All l have left is pain, emptiness, hopelessness, anger, sadness, depression. I never thought l would say this but l tired of living!!! I really am, if only the universe could give me a break from my life like for a week, l would be greatful.l just feel physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted and the saddest part is that there is nothing l can do about it. The worst part is that my only self therapy which is listening to sad music has lost its effect, l feel like a patient who has just been told by the doctor that there is no cure to their illnesses. I should probably start writing my will, who am l kidding l got nothing to leave behind except negative emotions. No one will probably want that so l leave the world nothing cause it gave nothing worth leaving behind. Oh universe, in my next life please be nice to me,I deserved better than this. I know l did, l deserved better than a life of failure,loss, disappointment, anger, sadness, loniless and pain. I deserved better, l know l did. Maybe am just like a brick on an old abandoned building that's meant to stay in one place and get covered by weeds, algae and eventually turn into dust and get blown away by the wind. I got some good news today, my boss called in and she instantly fired me, something about me not respecting time anyway l stopped listening from the word fired. The b***h didn't even pay me for this month's work and yes l k now it's only been 4 days in this new month but still l worked my but off in those 4days alright!!! The least l deserved was some appreciation in form of cash right? Anyway, gotta get packing and do the walk of shame since l wasn't allowed to use the back door while leaving. Jeez so much for the two months we spent together friends or should l say ex coworkers. Reaching home, am getting kicked out cause apparently no one wants a burden that doesn't bring something on the table so here l am packing all my stuff getting ready to move and live with the person l hate the most in the world, my dad Mr. Eriksen the famous retired Mayor of Pittsburgh, who doesn't love the guy, l mean he's very friendly and generous to the locals. Yeah he's very good at everything else except being a father. He was never there for my birth, birthdays and graduations. The only one year he took a break from politics and decided to raise me was the worst year of my life, let's just say he turned me into his punching bag until l called the cops on him and made him lose his seat as mayor, yeah let's just say am not his biggest fan either. After 5 years of no talking, he starts sending me letters asking for a reconciliation, funny he says let's put the past behind us but to me it still feels like yesterday.l still remember it like it was yesterday, that night that he almost killed me in a fit of rage. But that doesn't matter now cause l have nowhere else to go and his my only hope of getting into college. 3 months have passed but still no answer from any of the colleges l applied to. That's a bad sign right? Should I be worried, l think l should or not maybe there has been a delay of some sort God!!!!! I don't know what to think anymore. Am l getting into college or not? I can't even share all my fears and worries about getting to college with my dad. Yup he's made it perfect clear how much he despises me, hates my guts and can't stand me which is funny coming from him considering the fact that l am a mare reflection of him, yup sadly l inherited his short temper and coldness. Funny right? Words like that coming from your own father, God am always dying to ask him why he even had me in the first place.My father and I are like one of the laws of physics that says like poles repell, l never understood that law back in high-school but now l do. Am always trying to pretend that the coldness he has towards me doesn't affect me but it does and l hate it, l hate the way it affects me. What can l do, it's not like there's an off switch you can press to stop loving someone who treats you badly. Sadly the mind and the heart work differently, turns out the heart is more resistant to pain than the mind. That's probably why we allow the people we love to hurt us alot before we say enough is enough. I have a question, why can't I stop hurting, one moment am laughing and all of sudden am filled with sadness and the worst part is l don't even know why am sad, what the hell is that? Can someone please tell me why l feel like this, why my emotions are so confusing. Am l the only one that feels like this, is it normal to feel like this, am l going crazy, what's happening to me? I don't want to feel like this l hate it. Can someone hear my cry for help, is anyone looking at the agony am in, do they feel sorry for me, can they help. Oh that's right there's no one there, it's just me it was always just me, it is just me and it will always be just me seeing and feeling my own pain, no one else just me, all alone. Some fairy tales aren't happy, some cinderellas don't get prince charmigs to get them out of their poverty, some princesses don't get Knight and Shining armours to protect them from dragons and dungeons and some barbies don't get rescued from the long tours in which they are imprisoned. Some princesses don't have anyone to save them leaving them no choice but to become their own knight and Shining armours with sharp swords sharpened by their own wrath so that they can be able to save themselves. This makes such princesses warriors not because thay ate the strongest of all men but because they ate survivors of the cruelty of the world. Of this were the 15th century, l would consider myself a warrior queen cause damn it am strong!! Even am utterly shocked and impressed by myself as to how much l can take. I guess that saying is true a sword has to be pounded and burnt in the furnace several times for it to become sharp enough. Is there such thing as a life do over? If it's there l want a redo of my whole life, that's right l said it!!! I want infact l demand a do over!!! Do you hear me universe, you owe me a do over!! That's right l am keeping score. So....summer is almost over, everyone is probably getting ready for college, so am l.. actually correction, so was l until l received some interesting news over the weekend, yeah.. I didn't get into the college l applied for. Funny how shocking is that, l've been rejected.