Phoenix Project

Chapter I - A Painfull Farewell

“To witness the death of someone I love is like dying inside twice”

January 3rd, 2016.

I don't know how long I’ve been standing here. Maybe it has been just a few minutes, but for me, it feels like hours.

Hours of complete despair.

The snow was falling steadily, though fiercely, blanketing the entire scenery with a beautiful shade of white. The icy winter breeze would make most people remain safely inside their homes, enjoying the cozy warmness provided by the flames of their fireplaces.

Yet there are the bold ones who dare to defy the low temperatures, battling against the cold to do ordinary activities outside the comfort of their homes.

I am one of the brave ones. I've waited anxiously for several weeks to finally enjoy the wonderful coolness that comes with the winter, missing the feeling of amenity that, for me, only comes with the cold weather. The last winter break I enjoyed with my family wasn't enough to quench my thirst to relish my favorite season of the year. The days passed too fast, and I couldn’t do all the fun things I loved the most.

Nonetheless, at this exact moment, I don't feel any happiness or even notice the snowflakes falling on my face, tickling my nose, and creating a thin layer of white over my clothes.

Those were things I used to love the most.

The daylight was almost completely gone, the sun had already set a few hours ago. Without its welcoming warmth, the temperature is slowly getting colder with every passing minute.

None of that matters. Looking straight ahead, my eyes were focused on something else, staring intently at the large glass-edged panel portraying my family photo.

In the picture, there is a tall, dark-haired man, possessor of a piercing gaze and eyes of a deep blue, the same penetrating eyes I inherited. He has thick eyebrows, a small mouth, and a very ordinary nose that matches perfectly with every outstanding feature of his handsome face.

By his side is a stunning pale-skinned woman of medium height, with shinning brown hair that falls just below her shoulders, modeling a doll-like face, with a contoured mouth, a slightly arched eyebrow, and kind, beautiful emerald-green eyes. Right in the center, as if being guarded by the middle-aged couple, is a little boy with black hair and a face bearing the same features as the man next to him.

I spent a long time gazing at the photograph. Everyone is smiling so brightly and they look immensely happy. I can't help but think about everything I'd give up just to be by their side right now.

The temperature is dropping exceptionally fast, and I rub my arms trying to ward off the chills running through my body. I should have picked warmer clothes to wear, but I wasn’t feeling like myself. My mind was thousands of miles away, making me incapable of any smart decisions.

Coraline hasn't left my side, not even for a minute since we got here, but even with her steady presence in the last few hours, I still feel completely and irrevocably alone.

The feeling is suffocating.

It’s as if there is an invisible hand grinding my heart, and I can almost feel the actual physical pain.

I try as hard as I can to suppress the tears that persist to form in my eyes. The painful and heart-crushing memories from the accident replay over and over in my head, and I can't cease the bad thoughts haunting me. They are gone forever. And somehow I am still here. A dreadful accident killed my family, leaving me as the only survivor.

I wish I hadn't survived at all.

Because just like that, so unexpectedly, I am completely alone.

The scenes were playing in slow motion in my head. The worst moment of my life. It had begun as a happy family moment. Everyone was in a cheerful mood because we were traveling to our little piece of heaven. A gorgeous cabin-like house deep in the mountains, around the Rooterberg region, located in the northern part of the Alps. We were planning to celebrate our New Year's Eve there.

We spent most of the trip merrily talking together about all types of trivial topics we could think of. After a couple of hours of non-stop chatter, I finally decided to rest for the rest of our journey. Positioning my headphones on, and playing my favorite song — Madness by the Artist Muse —, I began to sing along to the beat as loud as I could, just because I knew it would vex Peter, my little brother. I had perfect knowledge that I was a terrible singer.

As expected, his normal reaction was to roll his eyes. He was shaking his head and muttering something I couldn't hear and didn't care to comprehend. He was probably babbling about how I was the most annoying sister to ever live.

Merely seconds after our little sibling-bond — better yet, squabbling — moment happened, I saw my father’s body tensing behind the steering wheel, while staring intently at a small light that started flashing incessantly on the car panel.

Suddenly, his body language changed completely. He seemed anxious, almost as if something had startled him, and started talking with my mother, who was sitting in the front seat as his co-pilot. However, before I could even understand what was happening, in the blink of an eye, everything started spinning out of place.

Somehow, the fact that minutes before I had taken off my seat belt — so I could put on my jacket to shield me from the cold inside the car, which was freezing even with the heater on —, saved my life.

Without the protection of the seat belt, I was violently thrown outside the car through the windshield. I can’t recall much of what happened in those few moments of terror, because of the brutal impact of my head against the glass and later hitting the ground, I was in and out of consciousness.

Still, every single detail I remember is an absolute nightmare.

I was at a “secure” distance from where the car had stopped, in an upside-down position after it ceased rolling over several times. I saw my parents and my little brother unconscious inside the car, their unmoving bloodied bodies frozen in weird, painful positions.

With my heart hammering like it was going to burst out of my chest, and in absolute despair, I tried with every ounce of the strength I had left to move. I desperately wanted to save them. But it was unattainable. I wasn't strong enough. Incapable of moving not even an inch, feeling every part of my body hurt. The pain was unbearable. It was like all of my bones were twisted and broken.

I lost consciousness at some point, maybe several times. But as soon as I got my senses back, I would try to get closer to the car wreck, again and again. I needed to help them somehow.

At one moment, I saw my father regain his consciousness too. He looked at me with the most loving, affectionate eyes, but I could notice the worry behind his sweet, but forceful, smile. I knew he was in so much pain, even though he was trying his best to smile at me. I caught his lips moving weakly in a silent “I love you”. The time seemed to stop for a second, locking me in that moment with him.

Before I could react, the car exploded, transforming into a massive mound of blistering fire. The heat and brightness were so intense that it temporarily blinded me.

At that instant, I knew there wasn't anything else I could do. It was too late. Because of my incompetence and weakness, I ran out of time. The physical pain I was feeling throughout my entire body could never compare to the pain and despair I felt inside.

The feeling of loss and the sudden sense of emptiness were unbearable. And for that reason, I simply gave up. I gave up trying to live.

A moment earlier, I was pushing myself with everything I had, fighting over the pain, trying to remain cognizant so that I could rescue them. But there was nothing else to save anymore.

And I certainly didn't want to be saved either.

Gradually, I began to lose consciousness once again, the edges of my vision blurring until there was nothing left but complete darkness.