Phoenix Project

Chapter II - Loved Ones

"Dreaming while awake, for those who don't have another choice, it's the best way to escape the cruel reality"

A few days later, I woke up in the hospital, completely disoriented by my surroundings since I was under the effects of heavy drugs. But it didn’t take long for the visions of the accident to return to full force.

It felt like I was having my worst nightmare while I was still very much awake. The doctor was trying to tell me how it was a complete miracle that I'd survived, but his words were getting lost in the mess of my dark thoughts.

As a result of the accident, I sustained a serious concussion, a broken arm and rib, a deep gash on my forehead, and severe internal bleeding that for a godsent reason, hadn’t taken my life.

I nearly died. And that’s the keyword.

Not long after I woke up, Coraline went to visit me in my hospital room, but I had already been sedated again.

And for a simple reason: I tried to kill myself.

I didn’t want to live in a world where my family wasn’t by my side. A few seconds before the heavy medication took full effect, taking me into a deep, restless slumber, I looked at her and saw a myriad of emotions on her face. There was raw sadness there. I knew it was hard for her to see me like that.

It was hard for her to lose my parents and Peter too. And she was scared of losing me.

I'm hauled from my daydream back to reality when Coraline stands next to me, placing her right hand on my shoulder. I understand what this gesture means. I know it’s late, but I don’t want to leave. I was finally released from that damn hospital and just now was able to come here.

To say goodbye to the people I love the most in this world. Or loved, as in the past... because now they're gone forever, and I was left in this dark world alone.

The cemetery is completely empty, no one else but the two of us dares to be here because the temperature is dropping dramatically. I can no longer avoid the tears I've been holding so fiercely, finally letting all the sorrow and sadness take over me. The wetness of my tears stains my coat, but I don't care, I tightly press the white rose that I hold in my hands against my chest.

I want to stay with them for a little longer.

I would give anything and everything I have to have them back.

Noticing my desperation, Coraline wraps her arms around me in an attempt to comfort me, enveloping me with her warmth. I know she doesn't like to see me crying. And I also know that it's time to go, but I hate having to do that.

I hate having to say goodbye to them forever.

“Lore…” Coraline says, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Her voice is hoarse and she's almost whispering. I look up at her, showing she has my attention in the hope she continues speaking, but she simply remains silent, and I realize that she is searching for the right words to say. “We have to go”. My only reply is a forced smile. I can't find any words within me. Coraline doesn't seem to notice that my reaction is not genuine and she smiles too.

I took a deep breath and stared at the ground, avoiding her eyes. I know she's right, but I can't shake off the feeling of loneliness and the desire to stay.

Gathering all the strength I have left, I walk slowly and place the white rose that I brought with me on the middle gravestone — which bears my brother's name.

Staring at the lone flower, I read in a whisper the message carved in the hard stone. In memory of Peter Jensen Ackerman, beloved son, and the most amazing little brother.

I close my eyes tightly trying to get rid of the bad feeling that insists on lingering, but nothing happens. It seems that with every passing minute, I feel worse. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand, and before I turned to leave, I cast a last sad glance at the photograph, trying to commit to memory every detail, and then I walked away, feeling my heart stop.

Not literally, of course, but the better part of me wishes it was.

Coraline walks next to me, our steps are resonant and leave marks on the snow. I let out a melancholic sigh as we walked toward the car.

When we get into the vehicle, I lean my head on the car headrest, looking at the white blur of the buildings that form as we drive on our way home.

I release another deep sigh full of sadness and distress when we get home, the path seems to last forever. Cora wouldn't stop staring at me all the time and the weight of her gaze only made me feel worse.

Without thinking, I walked robotically through the house, leaving the shoes at the entrance and undressing my overcoat, since the place has an automatic heating system. I’m feeling exhausted, I haven’t truly slept for days, and the only rest I had was with the sedatives I had to take daily in the hospital.

If being forcefully drugged can count as resting.

Even with the strong sedatives that knocked me out in seconds every time, I still had nightmares every day while I was hospitalized.

Sometimes I dreamed of the accident, going through all the trauma again and again. In some dreams, I was able to save them from the car crash, merely to lose them again in another horrible way. Because, in these dreams, no matter how many accidents I saved them from, they always died in the end.

And after I left the hospital, I couldn't close my eyes. I didn't want to go home to rest. I chose to go straight to the cemetery, to say goodbye to my family. I had already lost their burial while I was hospitalized.

I wish I had at least been able to say my last words to them that day.

Trying to ignore the pang in my heart and all the painful memories assaulting me, I climbed the stairs and went directly to the room. I don't feel good going through the empty corridors of the house, all over the walls and furniture I see portraits and memories of what I lost. It seems like an endless nightmare. A t*****e session made just for me.

I haven't come back here since the accident. To be more precise, since last winter.

When I finally reach my room, I start to take real notice of all the things around me.

I've always lived surrounded by luxury. After all, how else should the daughter of a billionaire live? But at this moment, none of this seemed to matter.

I don't see any importance in the big plasma screen or the mini-refrigerator stuffed only with the finest brands of food, or even in the very expensive silk sheets that I used to love so much before.

It's a past that is so close to the present, but that feels so far away.

I just wish I could throw myself in this bed and never wake up again.

And that's exactly what I do. Of course, I know that at one time or another, I will eventually wake up and struggle to deal with another hellish day. And again the next morning. I will have to battle with my grief and despair every single day from now on, for as long as it takes for the pain to go away.

If I am lucky enough to be able to overcome it someday.

That's what everyone kept trying to repeat to me over and over, attempting to comfort me in some way. Everyone says that over time the pain will pass and turn into longing. Like a yearning memory of something that once was mine.

My eyelids became heavy, and I noticed from the corner of my eye that Coraline had followed me to my room. We hadn't exchanged any more words since leaving the cemetery. I lay down on the bed, without even caring about putting on pajamas or something more comfortable than the black dress I was wearing. I feel the sheets rubbing on my exposed skin and I relish the feeling. It makes me even more drowsy; a bed has never before seemed more inviting to me.

However, before falling asleep, I slightly turn my body in an odd position to talk to Coraline, who is braced up on the wall near the door and seems to be studying me with a solemn expression on her face.

I hadn't noticed earlier, but she looks as tired as I do. Now that I am properly examining her for real this time, I notice her tired face even though her long hair — a radiant hue of dark red — is covering a part of her face.

She is still wearing her heavy winter jacket, most probably because she forgot to take it off while following me around the house. Her green eyes stare at me with a tint of inquisitiveness, but she looks away as soon as she realizes that I'm also analyzing her.

“I know you must be tired, but you didn't eat anything today. Are you sure you don't want me to prepare something for you to eat?” She says in her gentle tone, without taking her eyes off me. I feel the true affection and concern she has for me.

I shake my head slightly, denying her offer even though I am grateful. She sighs deeply, evidently too tired to insist. Coraline spent most of the day trying to convince me to eat, whereas the only thing I wanted to do since I left the hospital was to visit my family's grave.

I’ve spent almost a week hospitalized — according to my doctors, trying my best to deal with my loss and recover from the injuries I sustained from the accident.

“Alright, but promise you'll try to rest for real this time, okay?”

I nodded without looking at her. I’m also too tired to start an argument. Coraline knows me better than anyone in this world and knows that even if I'm tired, I would probably replay the memories of the accident several times in my head. But I know she's right, I honestly need to rest.

She smiles at me and then turns her back on her way to the guest room. But before she disappears from my field of vision, I take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts straight, pushing my way into the haze of tiredness, so I can properly thank her for the days she spent taking care of me.

“Cora…” I begin to say, but my voice fails, and I try to recover by clearing my throat. It's been so long since the last time I uttered a word that the sound of my hoarse voice surprised me. “Thank you for accompanying me, and for staying by my side during all of this. I don't think I'd have the strength to face all of this alone…” My voice fails again and my eyes fill with tears.

I try to suppress them, and before I even hear Coraline's answer, my body becomes increasingly heavy, so I rest my head on a pillow and fall into a plunging sleep.

And to my sheer luck and amazement, without any dreams.