Her Father's Shame

Chapter 8

“You’ll stay here till you've learnt your lesson,” my father’s voice sounded from the other side of the door, and the familiar darkness around me made my heart seize. I felt like I was being choked by an invisible hand. The inside of my stomach twisting like it was about to explode. I felt something tickling down my neck, with shaking fingers, I touched it and when I brought it forward to look at it, everywhere went black because what I saw was something no hemophobic patient would ever want to see.

******** In the hospital ********

The white door finally opened, and my mother and sister entered the hospital room. Their bright, identical blue gowns were the only colourful thing here. the walls, window decorations, equipment, my hospital gown, cap, bed sheet and the others were plain white and just looking around alone earlier gave me a headache. “Sis, you’re finally awake. How are you feeling?” My sister asked carefully while sitting on the bed beside me and fussing around me like a mother-hen. However, my mother looked guilty as she took in the tubes connected to my body. “I’m so sorry, dear. Your father went too far on this one.” She finally managed to apologize after the awkward stare she gave me. “No problem,” I managed to sign to her while forcing a weak smile. My family wasn’t the average Swiss family. Everyone here learnt sign language and could at least speak two foreign languages fluently, so the oxygen mask was never a barrier to communication. And her dark-red hair seemed to even have gray strands in it as though they had grown overnight. “Your father also wants what is best for you, but you’ll be leaving Switzerland tomorrow evening with Miss Séverine.” She informed me with tears peeking from the corners of her eyes, and she affectionately stroked my hair as my sister made space for her to move closer, but the next words made tears fall from my eyes. “It’s true that lesbianism is legal, but our society doesn’t accept it, when you learn properly over there and change your taste in gender, home is always open to you.” Her ruthless words were like knives being plunged in my heart and being twisted in a painful slow motion. With that, my mother and should I say spineless twenty-years horrible excuse for an elder sister left the room, with me feeling suffocated and with a tear-streaked pretty face. I couldn’t sleep, so I cried and cried till I was the subject matter of the nurse station. My father didn’t visit. And either it was due to disgust or guilt, I wasn't sure. I didn’t see Aurelia either or my baby... I had felt like even if everyone turned on me, she wouldn’t since she must have accept it, when you learn properly over there and change your preference in gender, home is always open to you.” Her ruthless words were like knives being plunged into my heart and being twisted in a painful, slow motion. With that, my mother and should I say, spineless twenty-year-old horrible excuse for an elder sister left the room, with me feeling suffocated and with a tears streaking my pretty face. I couldn’t sleep, so I cried and cried till I was the subject matter of the nurses' station. My father didn’t visit. When whether it was due to disgust or guilt, I wasn't sure. I didn’t see Aurelia or my baby either... I had felt like even if everyone turned on me, she wouldn’t since she must have gone through this before being accepted, but I was f*****g wrong. “I hate you and I regret ever meeting you.” Those words haunted me until I departed from Switzerland. She apparently visted me but only to break up, for no reason. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why? Why couldn’t society just accept me the way they did with the others who went about their business as usual? Was it because I was too intelligent to be a lesbian? Or because my father was too respected to have a lesbian as a daughter? Or was it because being a lesbian was a dirty stain that could not stand? Or was it bec.... I didn't even have any excuse, I felt worthless. Was all the trophies not enough? Was I really a disgrace. I had asked myself questions like this in highschool when I felt attracted to girls. I couldn't bring myself to asked questions like this in highschool when I felt attracted to girls. I couldn't bring myself to ask dad and mum and even my sister only knew about my secret with brother after he died.