Tangled Fury

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like a glass of wine?” asked Toni, who was staring down at me with a sympathetic smile. “Or a cocktail?” Ray and I were guests at her husband’s thirtieth birthday party, which was being held in their impeccably landscaped backyard. It was shortly after ten, and although most of the guests were laughing and having a good time, I wanted nothing more than to escape. I forced a smile. “I’d love to, but I’m driving,” I answered, staring up at her from the lounge chair. I’d managed to find a secluded spot by the swimming pool, and away from everyone. I’d learned that keeping a low profile was much safer than mingling at these functions. Although, Ray said he wanted me to socialize with his friends, it usually set off a chain of events that left me limping or bruised the next day. I didn’t need to deal with that. Not when Emma’s birthday was tomorrow. “Oh. Well, I understand. Obviously. If you leave here half-in-the-bag, one of the other guests may pull you over on their way home from the same party.” I looked around and laughed. “From the look of things, most of them are going to have enough problems trying to find their own way home.” “I know, right?” she said, turning toward the deck where some of them were already getting rowdy. “You’d think they’d all know better.” Her smile fell and she turned back to me. “Hell. Maybe I should be the responsible host and cut some of them off?” “It’s up to you, although, they are adults and cops. They should be able to figure it out themselves.” She grunted. “You’d think, wouldn’t you? Well, I guess I’ll let just let Jim worry about his precinct buddies. He’s not really drinking tonight. Wanted to keep things under control.” “That’s smart. Great party, by the way. Did you do all of the decorating yourself?” The backyard was lit up by bamboo torches, there were raffia skirts around each of the tables, and floating in the swimming pool were dozens of plastic, glowing lotuses. With the soft tropical music playing in the backyard and some remnants of the luau they’d served earlier, it almost felt like we really were in paradise. Unfortunately, I was too tense and nervous to enjoy anything; I knew that Ray was over-indulging, as usual, and more than likely drinking himself into a stupor. “No. I had help. My sister is a decorating maniac and lives for these things. Which reminds me, I’m sorry that Jim didn’t tell you or Ray to dress tropical. It must have slipped his mind. They don’t really talk much these days, unfortunately.” “It’s no big deal,” I answered, staring at Toni’s grass skirt, bikini top, and flowered lei. There was no way I would have been able to wear anything as revealing as a bathing suit. Not with the colorful bruises I still had from Ray’s last outburst. If I’d have worn anything near to what the other guests were wearing, everyone would realize that my husband’s temper had also spiraled out of control at home. He was already on work probation for arguing with one of his superiors. She nodded and looked around the patio. “So, where is that husband of yours?” I shrugged. “I’m not sure.” The last time I’d seen him, he’d been tipsy and thankfully, still in a jovial mood. She sat down next to me on the other lounge chair. “So, how’s Emma?” My heart swelled with pride. “Great. Her birthday is tomorrow.” Toni took a sip of wine and smiled. “How old is she now?” “She’ll be five.” Her eyes widened. “Man, they grow up so fast, don’t they? Do you have any recent pictures?” “Yes, in fact,” I opened up my purse and pulled out my brown leather wallet, “we just had a family photo taken two months ago.” Her eyebrow arched. “You were able to talk Ray into getting his picture taken? Mr. camera-shy?” “Only because it was a family picture,” I answered, holding it out to her. It was true, Ray never liked getting his photo taken and I wasn’t even really sure why. He was a nice looking guy, when his face wasn’t twisted into one of his ugly scowls. She took it and we both gazed at the picture-perfect family staring back at us. “She’s such a beautiful little girl. You two are so lucky.” “Thanks,” I replied, feeling my eyes well up with tears. The family portrait itself was... beautiful, but it was also a sham. A lie. One that broke my heart every time I thought about what should have been, but wasn’t. I quickly blinked the tears away. “She looks so much like her father.” “Are you kidding?” she said, looking back at me with a grin. “She’s the spitting image of you.” I stared back down at the picture. Emma and I both had blonde hair, but I thought her hazel eyes and smile matched her father’s. It was just too bad that his was forced and didn’t reach his eyes, where hers was sweet and lit up her entire face. “Jim and I have been trying to have children,” she said softly. “We’ve been trying for months.” “Have you talked to your doctor?” She looked down into her wine glass. “No. I was going to, but he talked me out of it. He said we should just give it more time. Let nature take its course. Honestly, I think he’s just scared.” “Because of his job and the danger involved?” “That, and the idea of having children might be a little overwhelming for a man like him,” she answered, smiling wryly. “God forbid he should have to act responsible when he’s at home and not at work. He’s like a little kid, himself, sometimes.” “Well, it certainly does change your life. In almost every way.” “I hope so,” she said softly. “Honestly, I could use a change.” Before I could ask her what she meant, I felt Ray’s presence grow near, and my stomach clenched up like a tight fist. “What’s going on over here?” he said, coming up behind us in the darkness. His voice was already thick from drinking. I stiffened up in fear but somehow managed to produce a smile. “Um, hi, honey. Having a good time?” “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, his tone accusing. From the look in his eyes, I knew I was in for a long night. I only hoped that he might pass out on the way home, and I could leave him in the truck. Tell him in the morning, that I hadn’t been able to wake him. It would be easier than dealing with his antics tonight. A hung-over Ray was far less volatile than an angry, drunken one. “Chill out, Ray,” said Toni, standing up. Her smile was hard and I knew she didn’t care too much for him. Not at the moment, anyway. “She just asked a question.” He stared at her for a minute and then smiled. “So did I. Look at you women, always standing up for each other.” “Damn right,” said Toni, taking another sip of wine. “Someone has to. So, I take it you’re having a good time?” “Yes. Very good time,” he answered, placing an arm around her shoulder. He rubbed his thumb across her skin. “Damn... you look good, girl. You should give Sera a lowdown of whatever fitness program you’re on. She could use some tips from a hot little number like you.” I clenched my jaw. I was only ten pounds heavier than when we’d gotten married. But, as usual, when he was drinking, he felt the need to take cruel jabs at me. The look she gave him made me want to hug her. “You’re kidding, right? I think Sera looks fantastic.” “She’s also not wearing a bikini, like you are.” He stared at her chest lecherously. “I always said Jim was a lucky man.” She stiffened up and pulled away from him. “Speaking of Jim, I should probably go and find him.” “You do that,” he said, now looking at me as if I’d caused the reaction from her. “We should chat again,” said Toni, backing away, her eyes filled with pity. “I’ve missed you, Sera.” “Same here,” I answered, trying to appear impervious to Ray’s behavior, although I was embarrassed and humiliated. Not only had he changed so dramatically in the last year, he’d also placed a wedge between our family and anyone he felt threatened by. There had been a time when Toni and I had sat and talked for hours on the phone. A time when I could tell her anything and not feel like I had to hide or make up stories. But, our lives were now so different, and I knew that Ray would no longer approve of me having any type of close friendship. Without a doubt, his insecurities were ruining our lives, and not only was I miserable, but I didn’t know what to do about it. The man I once knew and loved had vanished, and in his place was a bitter and resentful drunk. He turned to me, his lips curled into a sneer. “So, what were you two jabbering about? What a loser you have for a husband?” My eyes widened. “No. Of course not.” He grunted. “Right. I don’t give a f**k what she thinks anyway. She’s a b***h and Jim thinks his s**t doesn’t stink, either.” He reached into his jeans and pulled out the keys. “Let’s just get the hell out of here. I’m sick of these assholes giving me shit.” I grabbed my purse. “What were they giving you s**t about?” “Nothing that concerns you,” he muttered. “Let’s go.” I followed him as he headed toward the driveway and looked back over my shoulder. “Uh, shouldn’t we tell them we’re leaving?” He smiled cruelly. “f**k them. f**k them all.” I flinched at his hateful words. He was definitely in a mood, and I could tell it was going to be a long night. I decided to try and be as agreeable as I could, even if I didn’t want to be. I soon learned that it wouldn’t make a difference. “I can take the keys now,” I said, following him to the driver’s side. He turned around and looked at me. “Excuse me?” I forced a smile. “Don’t you remember, honey? You wanted me to drive tonight. I haven’t had anything to drink.” He stared at me, swaying slightly in the darkness. “You? You can’t f*****g drive. None of you women can drive worth s**t. I can drive better than you with my eyes closed.” From the look in his eyes, I decided not to argue with him. It was better to risk his driving then his fists. I only prayed he didn’t hit someone on the way home. “Okay,” I replied, walking around to the other side of the truck. We both got in and he started the engine. He took out a pack of smokes and shook one out. “So, what were you and Toni talking about?” I put on my seatbelt. “Emma.” He lit the end of his cigarette, inhaled, and then blew the smoke toward me. “Right. That’s why she looked at me like I was a total d**k. What did you really talk about?” His eyes were funny looking, and I began to wonder if he was more than just drunk. I wasn’t familiar with drugs, but I knew he’d ‘used’ back in high school. But, that was ten years ago, before he’d wanted to become a cop. Supposedly, it had been a dark time for him. Kind of like now... I sighed. “I just showed her our family picture. Toni said that she and Jim have been trying to have children.” He laughed out loud. “Guy is shooting blanks I bet. Thinks he’s such a f*****g man but can’t get his w***e of a wife pregnant. That’s priceless.” “That’s cruel,” I replied as he backed out of the driveway, unable to stop myself. “I thought you liked Jim and Toni? I don’t understand why you’re saying these horrible things about them.” He gave me a dirty look. “Well f**k me – are you two best buds now? Must be if you’re sticking up for that uppity bitch.” I didn’t reply. It would be a no-win situation, hands down. I should have stuck to the original plan of not disagreeing with him. “Let’s just go home.” He slammed on the brakes, reached over, and grabbed the back of my hair, pulling it so hard that I cried out. “Don’t you start giving me orders!” he growled into my face. “See, that’s why I hate that f*****g b***h. Putting ideas into your head!” “You’re hurting me,” I pleaded. “Please, don’t do this, Ray.” He tightened his hold on my hair. “You think you’re calling the shots now?” he snapped, his sour breath making me gag. “Just ‘cause I’m not working?” “Please,” I sobbed. “I just want to go home, Ray.” Breathing heavily, he tightened his lips and released my hair. “Oh, we’re going home. And we get there, we’re going to have ourselves a little talk about respect.” “I respect you,” I lied. My respect had faded away and it was fear that now bound me to him. Fear of what he’d do if I tried to leave. “You sure don’t act like it.” “What are you talking about, Ray? I’ve never done anything to make you think otherwise.” Which was not a lie. He didn’t say anything. For some insane reason, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut, even though I knew better. “Ray, what is happening to you? You were never like this before. Never.” “And you were never a b***h before,” he replied coldly. “It almost makes me wonder if you’re f*****g around...” I gasped. “What?” “You heard me.” “You are being ridiculous. I would never cheat on you. I can’t believe you’d even accuse me of that.” “I noticed the way Jim was looking at you earlier. You and he got something going on?” “Of course not! Look, I don’t know exactly how he was staring at me, and it doesn’t matter. You’re my husband and I...” I swallowed. “I love you.” “You sure about that? You don’t sound like it.” Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the cruel stranger sitting next to me. A year ago, I would have thrown my arms around him and kissed his doubts away. But, he’d changed. So much. I honestly didn’t recognize the man sitting next to me, spouting off such horrible things. If it wasn’t for Emma, I’d have left him already. Instead, I’d tried to make things work by accepting his apologies and promises to treat me better the way he sometimes did when he was sober. But this was getting to be too much. He was beginning to be... too much. “I didn’t think so,” he mumbled when I didn’t answer him. I sighed. “It’s not that I don’t love you...” He tightened his hands on the steering wheel and mimicked my voice. “It’s not that I don’t love you... Well, f**k you too, Sera. Maybe you should just pack up your s**t and get the hell out of my house.” “Ray... listen to me,” I said, trying to calm him. I put my hand on his thigh. “I’m not going anywhere and I never said that I didn’t love you.” Ignoring me, he slapped my hand away. “You can leave, but one thing is for certain – you’re not taking Emma.” “Don’t be like this, please...” “I mean it, Sera. You ever try to take Emma from me, I’ll f*****g kill you.” I stared at him in horror. His smile sent chills down my spine. “I swear to God, I’ll put a bullet through your head. I’d get away with it, too. Don’t you ever forget that, you hear me?” Nodding, I turned toward the passenger window and stared at the darkness through my tears.