Angel wings

Chapter fifteen - Feeling guilty

Melanie's POV:

Jordan and I finally became official friends. I got the courage to ask him. I don't know how long we can manage this. We hang out often, but I feel like there is something else. When we are together, things are different. It feels like he cares about me. A few months ago, I didn't know that he existed. Everything began with this tattoo. I'm sure we are not the only one who has it. Yesterday, I went to talk with Adriana. She told me that he was my soulmate. I have told her many times. I don't believe in these things. This didn't stop her from repeating this ten thousand times. I don't understand what she wants from me. Even if he is one, this won't make me believe in this. At least she told me he had said the same thing to Jordan. I was sure about this. The other thing is that he showed me the note from her. I immediately guessed her handwriting. It's weird. She is, too. That's why I don't know how many people come to search for her services. Probably, they are not much. Of course, she has another job. With this one, she doesn't earn much. Well, thanks to her, I have another friend. I want it to be only that. Sadly, I don't think this is possible for long. Something about him makes me feel different. I try to keep it calm, but I know how I feel. The problem is that I can't talk with anyone about this. If I tell Natalie, she will ask how we met. I can lie, but I don't want to do it. She is my best friend. I don't want to hide. I'm scared of the opinions. It's better if I don't speak for now. I hope no one will get mad at me when the time comes.

For the past week, I have been feeling weird. All the memories are coming back. I promised myself that I wouldn't talk about this again. The first three months after I did it were like hell for me. I couldn't sleep well. After some time, I got the angel tattoo. That is my reminder. Soon, it was the day that I tried to take my life away. Luckily, my attempt wasn't successful. The thing is that I disappointed my parents. I will never forgive myself for this. Mostly, I feel sorry for my mom. She didn't deserve this.

I woke up and checked my phone. It was 5:30 am. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I don't know what is going on with me. I woke up and went to get ready for the day. Then, I went for breakfast. It's not like I ate much. I wasn't in the mood for that. I took a note from my backpack and left it on the table. It was too early for school, but I still went out. I hope that Jordan won't mind some company. When I arrived at his house, it was 7 am. I knocked on the door, and he opened it.

- Melanie?

- Hey. Can I come in?

- Sure.

- Thanks.

- Did something happen? I mean, you never came here so early.

- I'm sorry, but I didn't know where to go.

- What happened? Why are you upset?

- I don't know. I didn't sleep well.

- You probably wake up early.

- It was 5:30.

- You can tell me if there is a problem.

- I'm fine.

- It doesn't look like that. Did someone hurt you?

- No.

- Did they find out the truth?

- No.

- Then?

- I don't know. - I said and looked at my arm

- Can I see it?

- Sure.

- I don't think you should hide. There is nothing wrong with that.

- But I don't feel this way.

- That is your mistake. I think you should believe in yourself more.

- It's not that easy.

- I believe that something has happened. Won't you share it with me?

- It was in the past. I don't want to talk about it.

- Is this the reason why you got the tattoo?

- Yes. I had horrible months. Then, I decided that this would be my reminder.

- Does your parents know about it?

- They do. I decided that I won't talk about this anymore.

- I understand. Do you want something to eat? I will eat quickly, and then I can take you to school. Part of it is on the way to the coffee shop. I don't mind taking you with me.

- Thanks, but you don't have to do it.

- What if I want to do it?

- You won't give up, will you?

- No, I won't.

- Fine. You can come with me.

I waited for Jordan to have his breakfast. He asked me again to eat. I did it only because of him. I'm not in the mood for anything. Honestly, I feel terrible. Of course, I didn't let him see it. I thought that he would be halfway, but no. He came to school with me. Hopefully, he won't be late because of me. I noticed how a few students looked at me. Right now, I don't want to deal with this. I walked to my locker to take what I needed for the first class.

- Do you care to explain? - Katy asked

- Please, not now. I'm not in the mood. - I said

- Who is this guy?

- It's my friend. I don't want to talk about this.

- Since when? - Chelsea asked

- Can we not talk now?

- Are you ok? You don't look much in the mood. - Natalie said

- I'm fine. I have to go to class now. I'll see you later.

- What about lunch?

- I'll see. Bye for now. - I said and left

The rest of the school day I spent alone. I know the girls are worried for me, but I can't talk to them about it. I have texted Jordan during my breaks. After the last class, I walked home. Natalie called me, but I didn't answer. I don't want to talk with anyone. When I finished my homework, I went to take a shower. I sat down and let the hot water run down my body. Then, I looked at my angel wing tattoo. I regret this every single day. I feel guilty. Well, I can't go back in time to change things. Nothing can help me. I came out and dressed myself. Soon, there was a knock on my door. It was my mom.

- Mom? What are you doing here so early?

- I came one hour early. I will make dinner. Do you want to help me?

- Any other day, but not today.

- Why?

- I don't feel good.

- Honey, it's not your fault. I think you should forget about it. This is in the past. Stop feeling guilty.

- But I can't. I can't stop thinking about this.

- Don't you think you should forget? A few years have passed.

- This doesn't change anything. I still did it.

- That is because you were going through some things. Now you feel better.

- It's not the same.

- Please, don't be upset. I can't stand seeing you like that.

- Mom, don't insist. I don't want to think about this.

- But you keep doing it. Nothing of this is your fault.

- Yes, it is! Stop denying it. I know you are disappointed in me. You can admit it.

- I won't admit anything. The only thing I regret is that I didn't notice it earlier.

- I didn't want you to worry about me. I'm sorry.

- Hey, it's ok. This is in the past. We don't have to think about this.

- I can't. It's in my head all day.

- I think you need to tell your friends. They will understand.

- Are you kidding me? I will never do that, and you know it.

- One day, they will find out.

- Don't you dare tell them.

- That is your job. Be honest. If they are your real friends, they will stay with you.

- I don't care. I'm not telling them.

- Honey, you can't keep this to yourself. It's upsetting you. Sharing with someone is better.

- I can't do this.

- But you have to. It's for your good.

- I said no. End of conversation.

- Melanie.

- No! Don't insist. You can go and do your dinner.

- What do you want to eat?

- Nothing. I will go outside.

- With the girls?

- No, alone.

- I don't think this is a good idea. It would help if you had a friend by your side.

- I need to be alone. Can you leave?

- Fine. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.

I understand that she cares, but it's too much. This is something personal, and I can't share it with whoever it is. My friends deserve to know everything, but that won't be now. I took some things and walked out. I have no idea where I'm going. All I need is a walk. I passed by Jordan's shop, but it was closed. I won't call him now. After some time, I went to a fast-food restaurant and bought food. Later, I went to a park. I don't want to be inside. I ate my food peacefully. Soon, I felt company. I don't know how he found me. I never told him where I was.

- What are you doing here?

- I came to check on you.

- How did you find me? I didn't tell you I was here.

- I tracked your phone number.

- Why?

- Because I got worried. You looked terrible in the morning. Are you sure you don't want to share?

- Yes. Please, don't ask anything.

- I won't. The decision is yours.

- Thanks.

- Do you want us to go for dinner?

- I already ate. You can go if you want.

- I will, but only if you come.

- Don't insist. I want to be alone.

- But I won't leave you.

- You don't have to stay here. Go and enjoy your life.

- I'm doing it now.

- How?

- Even if we don't talk, the fact that you are here is more than enough for me.

- Really?

- Yes. I don't mind staying here with you.

- Thanks.

- How bad is it?

- Enough.

- You want to fix it, don't you?

- But I can't. I regret everything I did.

- Take this as a lesson. After all, we learn every day.

- It's not that easy. I live with this for years. Nothing can help me. I won't forgive myself.

- But you have to do it. This will make you feel better.

- I don't think this is possible.

- It is only if you believe it. Trust me. You have to forgive yourself.

- But I can't! Don't you understand? I can't do this! I can't! - I said with tears in my eyes

- All you need is peace. Find your inner voice and listen to it.

- It says I'm guilty.

- I said your inner voice, not your brain.

- It's the same thing.

- No, it's not.

- It doesn't matter anymore. I should've ended it then. It would've saved me the problems.

- Never say this. You are here for a reason. No matter what happened back then, it's in the past. I know you should fight about it.

- I've been trying for years.

- Then try again.

I didn't say anything. It's not worth it fighting with him. Jordan won't understand. Soon, I got pulled for a hug. I needed one. It came with a kiss on the top of my head. Everything will be fine. I have to keep repeating this. One day, I might believe it. After some time, we continued walking. Jordan stopped at one store to get food. Then, we walked around the town.

- How do you feel?

- A bit better. Thanks.

- Do you want us to go somewhere?

- The walk is enough. I only needed fresh air.

- I think you need a new tattoo.

- For what?

- For the new chapter in your life.

- I don't have one.

- That's what you need. Forget about the past and think about the future.

- This is your job. I don't feel ready for this.

- I can help.

- How?

- There is something called entertainment.

- I don't want to know more.

- Trust me. You will like it.

- Can it be another day?

- Sure. I will text you about it.

- Should I be worried?

- No. Everything will be fine. You can trust me.

- Let's say that I will do it.

- Thanks. You won't be sorry about it.

- I hope so.

Jordan and I walked for some time. He wanted to take me home. I accepted because I didn't want to be alone. No matter that, I told him the opposite. I didn't tell him the whole story. I felt comfortable talking with him. Maybe it's because we did similar things. Everyone has their story. Not everything is garden and roses, but things will get better. All you need is to be patient. Jordan is right about one thing. I need a new chapter in my life. I think he will be the main character in it. I don't mind it. I will need someone by my side. I hope that he will help me to get through this.