LOVE ME A LITTLE MORE (M×M)

~5~

I sometimes hate myself. Not for who I am. But for who I force myself to be. When Mr. Hudson sent me a message of my new rescheduled appointment, I felt like going was the only last option. I didn't want to hurt him. After all, he was trying hard to help me.

I was sitting in Mr. Hudson's office, waiting impatiently, almost nervously for my turn. My eyes were focused on my wristwatch. My session will start in next ten minutes. How I wished I wouldn't have thought so much about Mr. Hudson. But he was trying very hard to get me attend his therapy sessions.

"Sir it's your turn now." The receptionist said, making me smile at her politely as I stood up from the waiting area and started to walk slowly towards Mr. Hudson's office. My steps were small, my eyes were burning from fear. And my fingertips had now grown cold.

I pushed the door of his office open. He was sitting on his chair, as usual. His green shirt was tucked in his grey pants and his coat was covering his plush chair. His sandy hair were combed back, like the last time we met. He was as beautiful as I saw him last time. Maybe even a little more but nothing less.

His brown eyes met mine with surprise. I didn't knew what it was for. Maybe because I was finally in his office aftering trying numerous times to avoid him. Or because I was actually dressed up today.

I was wearing a plain shirt and a dark dress pants. My hair weren't unruly like they were last time. I had at least made an attempt to comb my hair.

He was quick to mask his surprise as he smiled softly at me. It was almost comforting. Almost assuring until I remembered how overwhelming everything was inside these four walls. I was no longer with just a stranger who had bought me a box of chocolates. But I was with my therapist.

"Please have a sit, Mr. Roosevelt." He said softly, his voice almost like a caress of a feather. I gulped, nodding my head as I clumsily took a seat.

"Thank you." I mumbled and he smiled, almost teasingly.

"I never thought you'd come for this appointment too. I thought I would require more chocolate boxes to convince you." He said with a laugh and I felt my cheeks reddening. My fingers tugged on the sleeves of my shirt as I looked at him through my lashes.

"I.... I was just gathering some strength to visit here again." I said honestly and he smiled, genuinely. No malice, no mockery in his voice.

"And thank you for the chocolates. You didn't had to. But here, the money of the chocolate box." I said gently sliding the banknotes towards him and he laughed softly, shaking his head as he returned me the money back.

"I had to, Mr. Roosevelt. Because you were going to miss something really delicious and worthy of risk in the fear of not liking its taste. And I bought it for you. I didn't lend them, Mr. Roosevelt. It was a gift. And you don't pay for the gifts you receive, hm?" I couldn't help but laugh softly at him as I shook my head again.

"But these are expensive. That was the reason I didn't buy them at the first place." I argued and he smiled at me.

"You did repay me, Mr. Roosevelt. You are here for the therapy, after all." He said, making my cheeks to flush red. This man made me feels things unknowingly. He was just being good and here I was growing my feelings for him.

"You are being too kind, Sir." I mumbled and he smiled, shaking his head.

"I am not. And tell, Mr. Roosevelt. How are you feeling today?" He asked me and I licked my lips, scooting closer to the chair and he suddenly scribbled something on his paper. Was he even noting down my reactions and body language?

"Honest answer? Or is it just a part of our small talks?" I asked him with a nervous, almost choked out chuckle and he leaned back on his chair.

"As you deem fit, Mr. Roosevelt. Answer it however you wish." He said and I felt my lips going dry and throat felt parched.

"I.... I don't know, Mr. Hudson. Some days I'm..... I'm fine but some days I feel the need to end everything. Like even for no reason, I sometimes feel anxious, depressed. I don't feel anything, some days. And some days, I feel like I am the change everyone needs in this society."

I couldn't lie, not when his efforts were building up in my soul. Those chocolates weren't just chocolates, they were his efforts I could never forget. And I don't want to. No matter how much he scares me, I don't want to forget his efforts for me.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"Like right now?" I questioned and he nodded his head and I adjusted my glasses and he again started writing something down.

"Yes, in the very moment, Mr. Roosevelt."

"Well, I..... I'm feeling none of them right now. I am calm in one sense. I am not feeling suicidal right now. Nor I'm feeling depressed. I am nervous right now but not scared. I don't know if I'm even making any sense right now." I said with a chuckle and he smiled, the one that made me tremble on my seat.

"Every word has a meaning, Mr. Roosevelt. You just need the right person to understand them. And just because people are having difficulties in understanding you doesn't mean you don't make sense. Because I can make sense out of your words very clearly."

His words felt like he was stating the universal truths. They felt reality. They made me feel like my emotions weren't just mere feelings but something that weighs importance. He made me feel..... different. Good kind of different.