Blue Tears

When will it take effect? I could feel a pressure against my ribcage as I blinked once...twice and tried to concentrate on the person in front of me. He stared into me, and I suddenly felt self-conscious. The sounds around me seemed to morph and disorientate as the seconds flew by. My eyes slowly traveled behind the man and I stared at the brick brown wall. What I really wanted to do was smash my head into it until I became a puddle. A puddle in my own blood. I could feel the ghost pain in my frontal lobe and reality set back in. It always hurt when reality sets back in. "Uh, tomatoes and cucumbers." My voice came out raspy, my words almost stumbling against each other. My heart began to beat faster, humiliation was all I could now think about. I heard a giggle behind me The girl behind me was around my age and she had her hand around what I presumed to be her boyfriend. She giggled, again, at something he whispered and I felt fear run over me. She was wearing a casual but beautiful outfit and her long hair was beautifully curled at the ends. Her makeup was bold, she was bold, and she ran a hand through her hair. She knew she was beautiful, the way she held her stance and the way she carried herself gave it away. She was around my age and I stood next to her, covered in sawdust. Saw. Dust. My family liked to say we weren't poor. My old sneakers said otherwise. My aching hands and feet demanded a jury. Yet, here I was, covered in sawdust and ordering lunch. I heard her giggle again and felt jealousy creep on me. I hate that feeling, it made me feel inferior. As if I already wasn't. As the worker in front of me packed my food, questions began to flood in my head. How would it feel, to be loved? My eyes settled to the male worker in front of me. He had a piercing in his eyebrow yet his face was still soft. Based on the five-minute interaction I had with him, I knew that he liked to softly snap his fingers after doing a new thing. When he went to put on different vegetables he snapped his hands. Now he was pushing buttons on the machine and he snapped his fingers. How would it feel to be seen as everything in the eyes of one person? I let out a deep breath, as quietly as I could. Oh, the things I would do to look like the stranger behind me. Surely, her life must be better than mine. She must be happy. Happy. "Thank you," I said as my food was handed to me and I quickly walked out of the restaurant. I didn't want to spend another minute in there, another minute to make me feel as if I was nothing. The door closed behind me as a light, scattering rain hit my face. The sound of the rain tapping the paved sidewalk entered my ears and cars brushed past. I continued to walk down the concrete and pulled my hoodie over my head. Although I always put my AirPods in my ears, I didn't this time. I liked hearing the sound of the rain hitting the ground. My imagination liked to run wild during times like these. An interesting man would walk up to me, maybe he had tattoos over his arms or maybe this time he carried roses. The man would act clumsy, dropping something as I walked past. And I, being the caring human being I was, would stop and pick it up. And it would be love at first sight. Yet, I always ended up laughing. I stifled the laugh as people turned to look. I shook my head. Oh, please. As if anyone would fall in love with this face. I felt another laugh creep up and I shoved it back down with a cough. I reached the end of the sidewalk, reaching the main road. My house was just across this. I waited as cars last by. This was also a favorite moment of mine. Cars would pass and I would peek inside to see the person driving. I liked imagining their life. I would also make up scenarios. A blue Honda drove by and I saw an older man sped by. I named him "Fernando" and stated he was 37 or 38 years old. The faint picture I had in my mind of the man was still fresh so I could see that he had been wearing a hat, a hat that resembled a fedora inside his car. But it wasn't a fedora. Classy man, maybe he liked to have things organized. I could picture him sitting in a dinner table with his utensils in front of him, neatly organized. He liked using a napkin to dab, not wipe, the food droplets off his face. I blinked and suddenly saw no cars passing by. I checked left, then right, and walked. I sped my steps up as I heard the soft noise of an engine gradually get louder. I reached the end and I sighed. I wondered how other people saw me? I shook my head softly. I knew how exactly people saw me. Uptight. Prissy. I scoffed at that word. Prissy. I felt my free hand tighten into a fist. I was covered in sawdust. I hated that word. I tried to focus on something else. Anger seemed to always control my life. "I'm home." My Spanish accent came out quickly as I set the food done. "Come on bro's, I got your food." I replied as I took the food out of the bag and separated it. I heard little waddle of feet as I turned away and swept up my younger sibling, Noah. Noah laughed out loud and I planted a big kiss on his cheek. "Noah, I brought you pizza!" I told him and he squealed out, "Pizza!" I set him down and handed him his food and placed him to sit down. Jordan, my brother who was a year younger than me walked up to me. Without saying a word, I handed him his food. The second youngest, Christopher walked up and hugged me. He greeted me and I gave him a kiss as well. I handed him his subway meal. As they all sat down to eat, I grabbed the bag and headed to my mother's room. She was lying in the bed, rubbing her own feet. They were bloody red, and I felt sad. She smiled at me and I kissed her. She kissed my cheek back and I handed her the bag. "I got you too something." I was the one to depart as I headed towards my room, the room I shared with my brother Jordan. I sighed as I glanced at my bed. The tidy covers put a smile at my face but glancing at my brother's bed made my blood boil. It was messy, despite my efforts to keep our room clean. It was funny how small things like a messy room made me mad. Yet, I just rolled my eyes and headed to the restroom. I had no privacy. I had no 'safe space'.  There was not one place for me to have a breakdown, no place to be weak. Not even the restroom held exceptions. I always had to be in and out, no time to cry on the toilet or in the shower. They always needed me. I needed them. My name was called and I washed my hands. As I dried them, I froze in place.  When will it take effect?     The rest of the afternoon went by and I ended up going into my bathroom to shower. I needed to clear the sawdust from my body, I needed the sawdust to disappear. I turned the showerhead to freezing. The freezing cold water always numbed my body. I needed to feel numb. I stepped out of the shower after I cleaned myself and as I got dressed, I froze again as my eyes settled upon the little bottle. My hand went out and grabbed it, bringing it closer to me.  When will it take effect? The thought echoed in my head as I slowly unscrewed the cap. I emptied it out, the red pills falling into my hands. My hands began to tremble, as my eyes stared at the pills. I stood there, feeling the weight of the pills. How long would it have taken for it to take effect? I slowly dumped the pills into the toilet and flushed it before I changed my mind. I cleared my throat as I walked away from the bottle, also dumping that in the trashcan.  I would never know.