Pregnant with the Bad Boy

70

We went outside and he took my hand, it felt almost exciting to go with him out here, we had hardly done anything like this before, but it was my fault, I did not want to be outside it hit me, I had just wanted to be with him in his place because that was where I had felt safest in the world, which I still thought when he was there.

We said nothing more about what we had talked about, just held each other's hands and walked slowly across the parking lot and in, we probably looked pretty normal where we went so I do not know why I was so nervous when I had already seen two women staring on him, I was wondering if I would ever get used to it, but I was not jealous anymore, not in the same way anyway, I did not think he would just let me go and f**k someone else I had initially thought when I took a shopping cart and slowly pulled it with him next to me.

it was bright and flourishing lights that made us look even more tired where you could not hide in the shadows when I smiled at his gaze that had already gone over everything, I realized that neither of us was good at this, I had been so spoiled with mom and with Grant honestly who both had taken care of me, it felt good to be here with Dylan as an adult who had to take care of himself no matter how ridiculous it sounded when I had lived myself in Oklahoma but there I had only lived in the same rut, no surprises just my routines and no Dylan who turned my life upside down.

“Okay Jen… I'm going to be honest, you're a lousy cook.” He said the words teasingly as I grinned at his meaning, like I did not know that already.

“I have never had to do anything…” I was ashamed when he laughed and put things down in the cart and I let him do it and just stood there while his hands went over things I had never even touched, maybe there was more to him than pizza.

“You get used to it.” I said the words with a hearty smile that he reply just as lovingly back when I kissed his cheek quickly when he came close enough, it felt good even though there were people around us, some stared, they probably knew who we were and it would be gossip, especially when I was pregnant and he had assaulted Parker, but I did not care when he looked at me with his steel grey eyes, then I ignored the world.

We walked slowly through the big department store, and I let him pick what he wanted, I just followed and watched him, I did not even have anxiety about being here, and it struck me that I had only had a hard time being in public since we had been apart, not before… he had such a standing effect on me that I was almost not even the same person when he was near me.

“I thought it was you who wants to come here but you just go and look at me?” he laughed who had seen what I was thinking when I shrugged and smiled stupidly at his view of me, I was just happy right now, that was all.

“I'm just enjoying watching you.” I said the words honestly when his eyes gleamed and laughed again and took something down from the shelf next to him, I did not even see what it was I just looked at him, his smile and eyes, the beautiful face and his incredibly attractive body, people could believe what they wanted about that part that I was just with him for that, his looks, but nothing could be less true, sure he looked good, he was sexy and he knew about it, but that was how he made me feel as I wanted to be with him, he made me smile when no one else could do it when he could see the darkness in me in a completely different way someone could, or even had tried to do, that was why it had been so hard to be without him, not only that I was so in love with him that I died every time he looked at me. he made me feel whole, and not so damn broken all the time.

We had reached the end of the department store and I watched him move like himself again, with his head high and it made me happy, he had looked so beaten down since I met him again, it was nice to know that he felt better too and not just me.

We took the bags after he paid, I had a bad conscience about it when I could have done it with but I did not intend to bring it up here as I knew he would get angry, I would have to learn to manage myself after tomorrow, not just let someone else take care of me or pay, I wanted to be an adult and I had to take the responsibility that came with it.

I just had no idea how to get everything going, honestly, I barely knew how to pay a bill which was shameful as I should be able to do it, I was a freaking adult.

Then there was school, I really wanted to graduate before she was born, because it felt like it would be hard to finish afterwards.

“Dylan…” he already saw that I would say something he did not want to hear when we sat in the car again and I sighed, why could I never be silent.

“Yes Jen?” His voice was half amused, tired of me now that I saw the shame of how he was not going to wait for me and drove out of the parking lot and I bit my lip, I might ignore something, that I was worried about how it would be late when he was gone?

“I'm still worried, what happens after you are gone… financially…” I swallowed when he did not answer, we had already had this talk once today but it felt like I had not received any direct answers to my questions and then we had fought about everything else instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       “I said I would take care of it, and I will.” his voice sounded bothered as he turned onto the highway, it was afternoon now, maybe later, I did not even know the time.

“but what does that mean? you will be locked up…” I was in tears at once and I sighed to myself, I did not want to cry just because I thought about it but I would probably do it every time.

He just looked at me quickly and stared at the road he did not want to answer me, I nodded, he had promised me to start telling things, but it felt like he did not want to say this either, he looked at me again and sighed like he remembered what he had promised himself and said strained.

“Jen… I have more then I told you….” he just looked at me like I was going to get angry now and I did not understand anything, he had more of what? I just looked at him surprised and confused as he sighed again and shifted up before he looked at me again quickly and looked ashamed like it was something he was not proud of.

“I dont understand what you saying to me right now” I said the words honestly, he is usually never the one who could not say as it was, so why was this so shameful?

“I have told you that I had to work hard to survive, but that is not true… I have more than enough.” He looked at me sadly and I began to understand that there was something more I did not want to hear, something he had hidden from me, one more thing. I swore low to myself, to be someone who wanted to be so straight forward, he was incredibly secretive.

“Okay, that's good, right?” I tried not to get angry, because I did not want to argue about another thing since we woke up this morning, it felt like we had not done anything else since yesterday.

” Yeah, maybe it is…” he still looked like it was something and I could not take it anymore.

“Okay, just say tell me, you promised me you would tell me if there was anything else.” I looked angrily at his worried face that flickered a little more, what was it this time? What could he say that I had not already heard or been hurt by?

“My mother, she came from a family with money and when she died, they paid me…” I did not understand anything, he had worked all the time, every day to be able to survive, that was what he had told me. I stared at his profile suspiciously like I did not believe him as he just looked at the road without saying anything more about it.

“You lied to me… again.” I pulled my hand away and turned my head away, I do not know why I was angry, this was a good thing I guess, I just wish he had dared to trust me earlier about it.

“No, I did not lie.” His voice was short now, starting to get pissed, I sighed, typically him getting annoyed at me when it was his fault that had said one thing and was another that was the truth.

“I haven’t touched that damn money, not once Jen.” His voice was bitter and dull now that I saw on his face that he was angry about it, that his mother's family had left them to fend for themselves when he was younger.

“I only got them after she died, like it solved everything… and they had no one but me to give it to so I had to make do.” He laughed like he was angry now I saw sadly on his upset eyes staring at the now dark road in front of us when I did not know what to say about the matter.

“You have family left then?” I did not understand much of what he said, were they alive or dead? He drove into the parking lot and stopped the car before turning around completely and looking at me now.

“I have no family Jen, just you and our daughter, that's all.” I almost flinched on how much hatred he had in his voice towards them, it made me sad to see his face so hard when he spoke of them like they were dead, but those were exactly the words he had used so I understood that it was so he wanted it.

“Do you know that you have probably talked more about yourself today than you did several weeks before?” I smiled encouragingly at his hard face which softened quickly by my voice, I did not want him to be angry more than we had already been, I just wanted the last time with him without us having to confess more things about being angry about.

“I thought you knew everything you wanted to know already, I'm handsome and rich, that's all you need to know, right?” I giggled at his joke, he smiled at me laughing before I leaned forward and kissed him, nothing could be further from the truth.

“I don’t think so tough guy, I want to know everything about you, and I will not give up until I do.” I looked secretly at his tired face, but he smiled, I was so happy that we had talked about everything that was, it still felt like he would disappear from me but now I had something to hold on to no matter how crazy it sounded.

He sighed at me as he already knew but his eyes sparkled, and I kissed him again, making it crackle inside me and opened the door to the car.

He was walking around towards the car's tailgate when I was standing and was about to close the door when I saw him, oh f**k.