Pregnant with the Bad Boy

67

He helped me up from the table and I leaned heavily against his chest as he stroked my hair slowly with his fingers and I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat which beat fast and smiled as it was my favourite sound in the whole world.

“Damn what I wish I had just listened to you, back in school, I would have avoided a lot of shit.” He said the words wanted and I just smiled, that would have been something.

“I think we met each other just at the right time when we did.” I laughed to myself, I was not at all someone who believed in fate or the like, but I believed in Dylan, that he was the one I would be with for the rest of my life.

“Superstition? I thought you were a septic?” He laughed when I snorted at his mockery, who was he to say something, I knew he was a believer just like my mother were, or was? I sighed, mom… it was just as good to tell him that too.

“What is that babe?” He looked down at me as he knew I had something to say, when did I not have it?

“Mom… she didn’t take it too well that we had gotten married…” I stopped when his jaws clenched, I knew he took it hard, harder than I did at this point.

“a lot of things have happened while we were not together, and I think it was the last straw for her…” I tried to say that it was not really us.

She knew I would not change my mind; she just could not handle it right then.

I said nothing more, what was there to say? She did not accept him after everything that had happened, and I had chosen him anyway.

“she's right… I know I'm not good enough for you Jen…” he looked at me sadly and I shook my head, no, he was my everything.

“You are good enough for me, I do not want anyone else, not then and not now.” I smiled consolingly at his self-doubt, I wished he could see how much I loved him for every breath I took in his presence.

He said nothing now just smiled at my declaration of love and kissed me tenderly on the lips, making me tremble from his closeness, it did not matter how many times he did it, I loved him more for each time he kissed me.

“Okay I do not know what you say but I'm starving to death over here.” his eyes twinkled, I understood that he was happy that I was eating, I laughed, he had no idea how much food I could eat at this point.

“I'll get pizza.” He smiled laughing when I made two fingers in front of him and let go of me, I smiled stupidly when he pulled on his jacket and went out and left myself in the apartment.

I looked around, if this was going to be my home for real, he would have to get rid of things, and try to quit smoking, I did not want him to smoke when I was pregnant for real and not just in theory, I would take up it with him later but for the moment I was happy to just be here and wait for pizza.

I touched the cross, it felt so familiar to have it under my fingers again, as if it were where it should be, that it had never left me.

I sat down in the kitchen after checking through the fridge, he of course had no food, only beer, I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, I would be here myself soon, it scared me but I had to fight my way through it, and I would have to catch up with the school, I really wanted to graduate, especially now if I did not have Dylan to rely on financially, I refused to let any of my parents help me, then I could just as easily have stayed on the farm.

I heard the door open and got up when Dylan came with not two pizza boxes but four, I laughed at his exaggeration when he put them down on the bench in the cramped kitchen.

“So, who is going to eat all that?” I wrapped my arms around his cold body and drew in his scent, how the hell would I manage without him for six months like? I dismissed the thought and looked up at his happy face as he pulled out a piece and ate it before I had even let go of him.

“Me.” He was already chewing then gave me a slice and I took a bite, we said nothing but just looked at each other while we ate and smiled sometimes, it was so quirky and romantic.

“So how long?” I looked at him seriously all of a sudden, I do not know why but I wanted to know how much time I had left with him before he had to leave me.

“What do you mean?” He jammed in another piece of pizza on what I could only call because he ate it without even chewing.

“Before you go away.” I said the word tired, and he stopped completely and swallowed slowly and looked like he would have preferred to avoid this conversation completely.

“Tomorrow.” He said the words helpless, knocking the air out of me, tomorrow?! Was that all! My eyes widened in fear of him leaving me again and he quickly pulled his arms around me as if he saw that I was about to panic again.

“But I'm here now Jen, I'm here.” he put his hands on my face and I gasped again, I would not be able to do this, not at all.

“What the hell am I going to do without you? I'm barely healthy enough to take care of myself, I'm so f*****g scared to be alone when she's born, and I do not even know how I'll be able to survive financially when you're away? “I said everything at once, everything I was afraid of, and it hurt him I saw it when he kissed my forehead and smiled faintly that it would help me when he would be gone tomorrow.

“I'm so sorry I'll miss it, her birth… and that you must do it without me ...” he was ashamed again and I blinked away the tears that had come again, he was sorry? I was f*****g sorry; I was the one who would stay here and try to get everything still going like he never went away!

“f**k! I hate you sometimes, when you just stand there and say things like it's so damn easy, I'm the one who'll get to be here myself Dylan!” I don’t know where the anger had come from, maybe it had been there all along, ever since he had beaten down Parker, no matter how much the disgusting pig deserved everything he got, I was still disappointed in him in some way that he had just let go of control and almost killed another human without blinking.

“it's not all rainbow and sunshine on my side either! I'm going to be locked up and know I'm not even allowed to see my daughter!” his eyes had darkened, and I sighed at his words, by this time I would rather have been the one who was locked up than give birth all by myself.

“Why did you have to beat him half to death!? You could have beaten him once, Dylan! that would have been enough, he had taken it! and you did not have to go in because you cannot keep your f*****g emotions in check!”

“Do you really mean that I should let him get away!? Is that what you say!? That he would r**e you and I would just pat him on the shoulder !?” I backed up without thinking about it as he was pissed, more than I had seen him in a long time with his eyes black and his fists just waiting to hit something.

“No! That's not what I'm saying!” I screamed back while I cried, I was just so f*****g tired of always having to fight, whatever it was with him we had to fight, it felt like the whole world was against us.

“What the hell do you mean then Jennifer!? tell me what I would have done, you seem to have all the f*****g right answers!” He angrily pulled his hand over his mouth and just stared at me angrily with his evil eyes where I was crying now, I did not know what I wanted him to do, I just wanted him not to leave me.

“I don’t know! Okay! I don’t know what you would have done! I know nothing Dylan!” I shouted the words, but it felt like I was running out of air and my voice became weaker with each word I said until I gave up and stared down at the floor.

He was quiet, long and I had not looked up once, I loved him, but I was so tired of having to constantly suffer for what he had done, that we suffered for it.

“I'm scared Jen…” I looked up at his face where he stood still and leaned heavily against the sink without looking at me now and I stood still, I knew he was, anyone would be.

“I understand you're scared Dylan, I would have been terrified to go to jail.” He looked up at me now and he smiled unhappily at my words as if it did not scare him at all.

“I'm not afraid of that…” he smiled sadly, and his eyes were tired of me now as if that was the least, he cared about.

“I'm afraid to leave you… and her…” he looked down at my belly and I put my hands there, I was afraid, for everything.

“I know you’re not doing good, I have always known what I said to you in the hospital… but I love you so damn much that I can’t stay away from you, no matter what has happened between us? Do you understand?” He looked at me seriously and I nodded, I understood because that was how I felt for him, more than anyone else despite our short time.

“I don’t want to be without you.” I said the words again, the truth. I did not even want to try to be.

He sighed heavily as he knew all that and I nervously pulled my hand up to the cross out of old habit, I had already gotten used to it being there.

“I know, but you have to.” He said the words so simply, the truth he always said when I started sobbing again, damn it.

“f**k Dylan…” I wiped away my tears quickly, I did not want to cry if we only had so little time left together, and he put his hand on my cheek and caressed it tenderly when I looked into his equally desperate eyes.

“I would do anything to stay, but I do not regret that I beat that bastard so hard that he has to breathe through straws for the next six months, you are my life Jen, and I would never let anyone hurt you.” His voice was trembling at the end as I turned to his hand and laid my hand on his, why was life never easy for us?

“I'm so happy to be your Dylan.” I cried again as he pulled me into his arms and just held me soft as I cried against his chest, for the thousandth time since we met.

“I'm fixing the financials, and if it's something else I know you can ask Marnie for help, she already adores you.” He laughed in the middle of everything when my crying had subsided for the moment, I did not want Marnie, I wanted him.

“I like her…” I said the words faintly into his shirt, I did not want to talk about him disappearing more because it killed me every second.

“it's because you're the only one who can stand to be with her alone in a room.” He laughed when I looked up and smiled genuinely at his joke, damn I would miss him.

We looked at each other, this felt damn good, and now he would miss the most important moment in our lives, but he was too hard on his sister in my eyes… I thought of Mandy and all she had suffered for me and that she would not fit into this town ever ... it hurt me when I looked at him urgently.

“She bought a onesie for baby Dylan; you can give her a chance…” I smiled encouragingly as he rolled his eyes at my peace mediation.

“With one of his boyfriends' cards probably.” He just looked at me measuredly as if he already knew about it when I shrugged, what did it matter, she had cared genuinely, and it had meant everything to me.

“She is the first to have done something like that since yes… you know…” I do not know why I became so shy to say it, since we had s*x the first time and I could just as well admit that I could just as easily have gotten pregnant then.

“When you found out you were pregnant, and I wasn’t there…” he sounded bitter all of a sudden, I just looked expectantly at his evasive eyes, he was still angry at me or at himself, maybe both.

“Yes…” I ignored it, everything that had happened between us at that time was not good, but it had still resulted in something good, something that got us connected until we died even if we wanted to or not.

I was shaking now, I did not want to be sad about what had been, it was enough that he was here now, and I had to have him a little longer before he would disappear from me.

He laughed as if he were amused but there was no joy now in his voice when I looked at him again where he still had not turned his gaze back on me.

“f**k I really hate that I have to go away again, I have only known about this for a few days, that I will be a dad…” I sighed sadly, I so wished he would have known before, but I also knew that if he had we known that we would not be standing here today married and reconciled, we would probably have hated each other as much as we loved each other now.

“We are still here…” I got a crooked smile towards him, I wanted to be the one who got to be the bearer now, not just let him take on everything.

He released me and I looked confused at how he turned away and I almost dared not touch him as I knew he was trying not to cry.

I stood stupidly and stared in despair at his shaking shoulders, I knew how much this would crush him, not being able to be there for her because it was his nightmare, he had said it himself from the beginning, that he refused to go his own father's footprints that had just slipped from his mother and not even wanted to know about him.

I said nothing but just wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned forward on his back, I stared dead out into the little kitchen, f**k Parker, If I would see him again, I would kill him myself because he had done this to us.

“it's okay…” I repeated the words he used to say to me, and he took my one hand where they lay in front at his waist, and I hugged it softly back as he touched it slowly as if he did not know what to do either.