Pregnant with the Bad Boy

49

“What would you have done if Veronica was standing in front of you?” I said the sentence to win me some time, he had the same dilemma, I knew he would choose her in front of me and I immediately regretted that I said something as I did not want to cry any more over that I would always be his second love how stupid it is than sound.

We were both silent, for a long time and I writhed uncertainly in the seat, I would cry tonight, or on the way home, I just knew it.

“I should have chosen you.” I said the words now confidently from nowhere, I did not want to hesitate any longer, Dylan was my first love, but he was not good for me, and I for him, Grant made me happy, and I loved him.

He said nothing yet and I clenched my jaws hard, why did he even pretend to think, I knew it would be her when I refused to sob now so he heard and bit me so hard in the lip so that there would soon be blood if I did not end.

“I do not know Jennifer…” he sounded more tired now and I could not help but resist the lump in my throat that pushed up and I sobbed hard from the grief that spread through my body and made me empty again of his words.

Of course, he heard me now and I listened to him say something more between my violent sobs, but he said nothing. I pulled away the phone and put it on the passenger seat and pulled away the worst tears, if I did not know before if I loved him, I knew now when he said that he would not have chosen me if she was here.

“Jennifer?” I heard his voice next to me on the seat and I looked in despair at the phone, this day had started so well, why did I have to ask things I did not want answered?

I looked at the phone again, did I want to hear more? I swallowed and picked it up again with my trembling hand and snorted at the cry that was left in me, so he heard that I was still there.

“I know you chose her Grant.” I said the words empty, not even angry, I knew that was the truth and that was just the way it was.

He sounded loud on the other side now, I was just listening now, that he would say it.

“Yes.” He said the words so lightly that I wanted to die now. I sat quietly now, I did not even cry and pulled down the phone and hung up as I held myself so hard in the steering wheel while my lips trembled hard from everything that had come with his answer. I was nothing, I would always be in second place. For Dylan, and for Grant.

I do not know how long I had been sitting there but the sun was high now and I was sitting where I had hung up with him and stared apathetically at the road, I just wanted to close my eyes and lie down, just don’t exist no more. I lay down on the steering wheel with my head and closed my eyes hard, I broke everything I touched, I was a disaster, no wonder someone did not want me how good-looking or cute they thought I was, it was not enough.

He had called several times, more than I could count when I just stared at the phone and heard him say yes in my head repeatedly.

I was a loser, I was stupid enough to believe Dylan, and he had really wanted Lorraine and then I had been stupid enough to believe that I could get Grant to sit in front of his saint to his dead wife. What a f*****g i***t I was.

I was moaning when the car door opened and I opened my eyes and looked in amazement at Grant who was standing there looking devastated, much like I felt when I turned my head away, he might want his car back, I pulled up and turned me to go down as he quickly lifted me down in his arms without me having time to say anything about it.

I stood where he had his arms around me and I let him have it as neither of us said anything before he pulled his hand over my head several times and I lifted tiredly on my head and looked into his warm eyes blank, I felt dead and I knew it was my own fault, he had always wanted her back, I was just a replacement when it push came to shove.

“Jennifer please…” he looked into my eyes as I quickly turned them away, I did not want him to see me as weak as I felt, that I just wanted to lie down and die here on the ground.

“Please what?” I heard my own voice; it was hurt and tired of always being let down and coming in second place.

“Please do not look at me like that…” his voice was pleading and I pulled loose from his grip and walked a few steps away from him before I sat down in the beautiful dress and looked out on the dead road in front of the no man's land of wilderness behind it.

“How should I look at you as?” I looked behind him where he remained helpless and I shrugged, he had just told the truth and it crushed me.

“it's okay, I've known it since you told me about her…” I smiled now for some reason when he walked up and stood by my side and I looked up at him almost amused as it was all a big joke, but it was me who was the joke.

“Jennifer… I loved her so much and when she died so…” he did not continue when I filled in his sentence without him having to say anything more.

“It felt like part of you died, like you never wanted to live without her again.” I was still looking at the wilderness in front of us as he turned to me and looked at me hurt as I had read his thoughts and I smiled again, but there was no joy in my smile.

“Because that was how it was for me.” I felt like laughing now, why not, I could not bear to cry anymore.

“I'm sorry Jennifer…” I stopped him, I had heard enough, I did not want any explanations for something that was clear already.

“I’m sorry to Grant.” I looked down now, damn him, damn him for making me he love him with his wonderful way and words in such short time, I really was a sucker.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds before I had decided and got up hesitantly and looked at him with the love I felt in me, I would not lie down this time, I would be strong, I wanted to be this time.

“Thank you… for everything Grant ... you are a wonderful man…” I smiled and he just looked at me in despair as I wiped away the tears I got from looking at him and took courage and started walking towards the school where I could wait until I could get my mom to pick me up when he stopped me and I held my breath as he moved me with his hand over my wrist and I did not turn around, I did not dare look at him again.

“No…” his voice was so fragile that it stirred me when he finally turned me around and looked into my teary eyes with his own burning that he had regained strength from seeing me go my way.

“You can’t go… I have been waiting for you so long Jennifer.” he looked at me honestly as I sobbed from his pure words, why did he always say the right things for? I wanted to stay but I did not want to be in second place either, it hurt too much to know that I was not good enough in compared to his dead wife.

“I do not know Grant… I know I'm unfair when you put up with so much, but I can’t stand to be rejected again…” I looked hurt in his desperate eyes looking for what he would say so I would stay.

“I know all that but listen to me first.” he stayed there, and I smiled, thought before he spoke again, it was one of my favourite things with him when he sighed and pulled both arms behind his neck a few seconds before blowing out air and looking at me again.

“I’m just have a hard time understanding that I fell so damn hard for a pregnant twenty-year-old who made me want to live again.” my heart beat harder from what he said, and I looked scared at him as he stood right upside down on the side of the road in front of me.

He stood with his hands in the sides and looked at me as he wanted me to say something, but I did not want to say what I felt for him no matter how much I wanted.

“Jennifer, you have made me want to laugh again, not just work myself to death, so I do not feel anything when I go to bed to sleep, or to get drunk like I did the first two years after she died.” His voice trembled now, and I trembled as he stepped closer to me, and I just watched in horror as he took my hand and caressed his thumb over the back of my hand as he did every time, he held it.

“You said I saved you from the darkness, and I say you saved me even though you did not seem to understand.” his eyes were warm as it burned in them, and I gasped from his hand which touched my cheek so lightly that I could barely feel it.

“I can’t stop you if you want to go but I want you to know that…” he stopped up again as if he got caught by himself, when he smiled at me now, as everything was so simple, and I held his breath over what he was going to say.

“I love you.” He said the words as simple as he had never said anything else in his whole life and I kissed him hard without waiting to see if he was ready or not as I cried while his lips searched over mine and I closed my eyes as he pulled me next to him and leaned back as he did the first time so I did not even know where I was anywhere but only that he was there with me.

I do not know how long he held me when he finally pulled me up and we stood face to face and gasped at what had happened, I never wanted to be away from him. never ever.

“I love you, Grant.” I looked certain into his eyes looking around in mine as I touched his neighbour with mine and he smiled happily at me as I kissed him again as he laughed out loud as I jumped up into his arms and he gently held me with one leg about him on each side and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“You are the most stubborn, driven, hard-willed woman I have ever met.” he smiled as I rolled my eyes at his declaration.

“Say something I do not know.” I looked lovingly into his eyes; I was afraid of the future, but it felt good to know that he was as helplessly in love with me as I was into him.

“I had chosen you.” He looked at me seriously now and I lost the ability to speak over what he had said, he had chosen me? in front of her?

“But she was your wife? You would have child? I'm just…” I did not know how to say the rest of the sentence when he sighed and sat me down again and I just looked confused at him where he stood and tried to say something that was difficult again.

“I loved her, so much… but she did not love me the same way you do…” I gasped in surprise when he smiled sadly and looked at me where he stood and looked incredibly good looking and was just mine when I took his hand and hugged it hard as he pulled me again and I smiled warmly at his admiring look, I loved him so much that I did not know what to do when he looked at me like that he did now.

“Don’t leave me again.” his voice was pleading as I nodded seriously and stroked his hair to the side, I would not go anywhere.

“Never.” I certainly looked into his eyes as he smiled broadly at me and kissed me again so I almost fainted from his closeness.

“Not even if he comes back?” he looked scared into my eyes when I shook his head, no I did not want him anymore when Grant stood here and was my whole world when Dylan had abandoned me wind for wave.

“Not even if he comes back…” I smiled and looked at him tenderly as he kissed me and I laughed at his playful way of pulling his hands over my ass before I looked at him seriously.

“I want you to be Father.” I looked uncertainly at his face which at first had been serious and to look relieved at me.

“Me too.” He probably looked at me and I just looked warmly into his eyes, I was so happy that I could die when he stood there and said he wanted to be the father of my unborn child.

“I will say that it is your child if someone asks, are you okay with that?” I studied his eyes after doubt as he shrugged as if he had already said it and I remembered yesterday, he had said it, kind of. I laughed at his nonchalance, and he caressed my stomach where nothing was visible yet.

“I've considered it long now Jennifer.” he smiled as I looked confused at his confident face, he was full of surprises.

“I said I wanted to be there for you and the baby, it does not matter who made you pregnant because you are mine and it is my baby you will have.” I laughed nervously how he just said things so simply and he just smiled charmingly as I kissed him shyly on the cheek over what he had said, as damn wonderful as he was.

“Has anyone told you that you are the perfect man?” I laughed when his eyes twinkled and we laughed together before we became silent and I wondered what had happened, he had made me feel things I did not even think were possible, especially after Dylan.

“let’s go, I do not want you to be out in the cold anymore.” He pulled me into his car and I looked longingly for the city jeep as he followed my eyes and rolled his eyes at me as I sat in his sports car.

“Okay, you can have it.” He was looking at me now and I was just gaping, did he just give me one of his brand-new cars? Just like that?!

“No wait Grant I…” he held up his hand as if I would not even try to protest more about it.

“I saw that you loved the second you put your eyes on it, and I have more than enough.” He laughed at my shocked face, so he was serious.

I did not answer it when he was right, it was fantastic, and I wanted to drive it every second I got.

“so you should pick it up or should it stay?” He looked at me questioningly as I had already stepped out and his laughed at me as I lifted myself up easily and sat behind the wheel.

I felt so happy that I wanted to scream, not over the car, it was just a nice surprise, but that Grant wanted me, that he loved me back in the same way… I smiled stupidly to myself when he called, and I answered shyly as that I had not just been glued to his face.

“Hello.” His voice sounded soft, and I actually giggled, my God I was no better than Mandy at this point.

“Hello.” I just smiled stupidly when he laughed on the other side, I sighed happily knowing that he was mine… now I would just make my family not think I was completely crazy, but maybe I was… it would have gone so much longer with him than with Dylan? I looked down, no it was longer, me and Dylan had been finished by this time… but mom would be worried, and I knew they would all be worried that I would get sick again… I looked worried up, everything was so simple when he was with me, and now that I was sitting alone just a few meters away, everything felt much more difficult.

“Grant.” I was serious all of a sudden and he got scared, I could hear it as he drew in the air on the other side as he waited for me to say that I had changed.

“I don’t know if I can tell my family that I love you…” I stopped when I already knew he was hurt, I would have been so hurt that I would die if he told me that, but it was the truth.

“Okay I'm coming over now.” He hung up and I saw how he got out of the sports car and slowly went over and opened the passenger side of the jeep and got in. I just looked at him resignedly as he did not look at me yet and sat down with his arms crossed and stared wounded forward, I understood him, and it hurt me to know that it was I who made him unhappy. 

“Sorry… but I can’t… not yet…” I hated myself so much when he looked at me so disappointed, he had said all the right things and I just said wrong.

“They just got over my worst phase with after Dylan…” I was ashamed of the next part that I would tell now.

“and I'm scared…” I closed my eyes at the shame that tore at me as I continued without him answering.

“I told Dylan that I loved him too soon and I'm afraid of what will happen now that I told you so…” I hardly dared look at him now, I hoped he did not think I was like him, because he was not.

“Do you think I'm going to leave you after all I've said?” His voice was so desperate that I did not know what to do, it was me that was wrong, and I took courage and looked at him now, he still did not look at me, I hated myself even more.

“No… no… that's not what I say… I just…” I put my head against the steering wheel again, I would never have said anything… I ruined everything.

“Why do you always think you're the only one who's scared?” His voice was calm, as usual when I looked shamefully at his clenched face, because I was selfish. That was the truth.

“I'm terrified, since the day I saw you again, when I went to pick you up at the door, I have not felt anything for anyone else for so long and it scares the hell out of me.” He was looking at me now and I just looked at him resignedly, why was I so awful?

I did not answer, I had nothing I could say to him because I had no answers, I know he had given me everything and I gave nothing back, just like with Dylan.

“I know I usually try to understand, but not this time Jennifer.” he looked deeply at me as if he were giving an ultimatum, I could not accuse him of doing so, I wanted so badly to tell the world, but I was so scared that they would think I was completely crazy.

I sighed and looked at him, why was everything so easy for him? I turned uncertainly and hugged the steering wheel as it was the only thing that kept me from not breaking in front of him again.

“People will think I'm crazy and that you're in it.” I smiled now as he did not make a single expression on his face to reveal what he felt, and the brown eyes lay still without revealing anything to me.

“People will talk anyway, my God you are already pregnant, and I am ten years older than you…” his voice was tired, and I bit my lip for what time in order, he had a point, it was not like people would call me things behind my back anyway.

“Okay ... I can take people talking about me… but my family, I'm afraid to hurt them again.”

 I looked at him honestly when he finally smiled so that my heartbeat faster to see it.

“They suffered because you did…” he looked at me lovingly now and I realized he was right, they had suffered because Dylan had hurt me, I did not think Grant would ever do the same to me.

I looked at him shyly when his eyebrows were up and I rolled my eyes to lighten the mood, I could not take it any more seriously, I just wanted to be happy and happy with him.

“I should say it…” I smiled now and his face became lighter at once as he sat and held his breath all the time as he spoke.

“So… you are ten years older… does that mean you like younger girls?” I looked slyly at his face shining up and he laughed out loud, so it sang in my chest when I heard it.

“Apparently.” He was still laughing when he took my hand and kissed it, I thank God he had such patience with me when anyone had left me, but Grant was not just anyone.

I also laughed when I leaned forward and kissed him, as usual everything felt so easy when he was around and that everything would work out.

“The most stubborn, pushy, hard-working woman. Ever.” He looked at me meant and smiled when I laughed, he had no idea.

“Do you want to come home to the farm when I turn twenty-one?” I tried not to sound so nervous as he laughed like it was the dumbest question in the world he had heard.

“of course, I want to. I love you.” He said the words so warmly that it burned in me as I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the mouth.

“Good.” I looked happy and he with me when I looked at him romantically, I so wanted them to like him when he was my everything.

“so where are we going?” He looked at me as I looked at him wondering and laughing.

“I'm going home to the farm… and I think it's best you go home again.” I said the words tentatively, I tried to create space for us so that I did not just stumble over everything I felt and he nodded as he understood even though he looked sad.

“But I love you.” I said the words confidently and smiled at his sad look as he shrugged as he knew I was right.

“I never thought it would be me who would ever be sent home.” He laughed as I stared at his reflection.

“I just want us to take it easy… as far as possible… I know that I love you and that I want to be with you, but I do not want to move together yet… are you okay with that?” I looked worried at him as he nodded again and sighed.

“Maybe is best so right now…” his smile was proud of me as if he was surprised, I was so smart, it made me more ashamed than when he said I was beautiful.

“Call me when you get home okay?” He looked admonished at me, and I nodded when we kissed again, it took a couple of minutes before he let go of me and I smiled as he jumped out and closed the door as I looked at him lovingly as he waved and sat in the car and went.

I sat alone. I was so happy for him, that I loved him, that he was in my life, that he had helped me out of the darkness, against which Dylan would never be able to measure himself.

I laughed silently, Canada. I shook my head and started the car and drove home, I had been away for several hours, but my mother assumed that I had gone to Grant when I skimmed through the phone of all the hundreds of calls Grant made on the way here.

I would have to tell my dad that he would come even if my mom had not already gossiped, but I assumed that she had not done so yet as he would probably have called and questioned me about what I was doing.

I ignored it at the moment and drove home, I would study, I would try to do it, graduate.

Pregnant or not.