Midnight thoughts

Flashback Backlash

The morning sun started to make its way to the sky and people seemed to get busy, but for some reason, for me waking up and doing my everyday routine is a battle, a battle that is so tiring and exhausting.

As I walked outside the only thing on my mind was to be happy and be positive throughout the day, as I promised to myself to be happy. At school, in my worked place all my colleagues are smiling and being lovely, well I guess not me, but I'm trying, I'm trying to change, I'm not the type of person who can smile and be jolly all day.

"Trying to be happy?" someone muttered. All the positive aura in my body swiped away into thin air, and my pageant smile began to vanish in just a snap of my finger. As she walked away from me, I looked at her until her shadow was gone, my knees became shaky and my eyes began to wet, all the daggers pierced into my heart and made my heart break and turn into pieces. I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to be happy.

This place, this place is the place where all my insecurities, all my sadness, all of my grudges started to form and become a monster that keeps me eating inside, I hope I'd never be like this, I hope I'd be the one they want to be, a perfect one just to fit on the societies standard, I know some of you might say that, I just need to accept who I am, I don't need to change myself, be proud of myself blah... blah... Oh God let's be frank, for a person who's been dealing with the same phase like me it's so hard, the anxiety, the frustration, the pressure and the cut that continuously stabbing me and slices my body that damaging me day by day is painful. It's confusing. Sometimes it's hurt because I don't know where to put myself.

The words, those words that are like salt that rubs in my wounds, a nail that scratches into something that makes my ears hurt and those people who are thinking I'm dumb, thinking that I don't see them stabbing me in my back and when I look at them their smiling... no they're not smiling their grinning like a devil and throwing bricks at me.

Everything that I do, everything that I want, everyone disagrees, is there something wrong if I want to be happy? Is there anything wrong if I want to change? Is there something wrong if I want changes? why I felt like this every single day, why I felt exiled, and the thing that really saddens me is that no one cares.

I just want to be a child again, where there's no problem, there's no reality check, there's no heartbreak, I just want to take back the time when I was running with the sun and the air who's been hugging my childhood skin with the other kid who I used to call my friends, I just want to go back to the time where everything was fun, I just want to go back to the time on my first heartbreak with my childhood crush, if I only knew that this thing would come, I should just protect my child-innocent me instead. God, please bring back my childhood it was mine first, I promise I'll protect it, please let me go back. I don't want to be in this mess, I'm so awful.

I'm tired. I'm tired I felt like I'm just a candle that's waiting to melt and vanish together with my smoke. Just think about it. If people don't get old maybe the world is fun.

"Don't cry" were the only words that I could say to myself, my knees were in a trembling and shaky state, and my eyes were all wet. This is the world I lived in, I just thought that what would it feel if there was someone at my side?

Maybe the world moved on, but this pain won't heal, because the wounds were too deep, the cut was too deep, and the white shirt that I'm wearing is now turning blackish red because of blood, blood that continuously flows out to my body. I don't know where is the ending but I'm looking forward to see it because all this time, all this thing all the things that I encounter is heartbreak, and maybe in the end I can get rid of it because I'm sick of it.

I feel like when I look to myself, all I can see is myself with many bruises because of life, because of the battle that I keep defending on something. there was a time that I asked myself, why I'm living this kind of life? why did I feel left alone? why every time I tried there's a circumstance that said that I was not allowed to? why? why my destiny is so unfair? why life is so unfair? why do some people live their lives happily, have things that they want, they being successful on the path that they choose? they are so good at something, what about me? how about me? even I try, I push myself too much, I tried and I tried until my body drown in being exhausted still nothing progress, and now my body has became violet full of bruises, every time I wake up with a thought in my mind I can't, I can't live another day with this kind of a mess, I can't live anymore seeing those people talking s**t about me, I'm tired and sick. Yes, I know I have shortcomings but it doesn't mean that I deserve all of this, I don't deserve to be dirty and be lonely and get left out.

When I get home, I drink a beverage high in alcohol, I drink? nope... I chug them until I can't breathe, I cough after and every cough that I release is pain and tears flowing to my eyes, and I drink again. As I walked down the aisle of our salas I saw a box, a box that would remind me of my mom, I open it and I saw my mom smiling with my younger version of me, and that's the time when reality hit me so hard. My mom is gone and I don't have anyone on my side, I wish she was here.

As I was crying, I kept talking about my thoughts that looking for my mother's love.

Looking at your diary Mom it feels nostalgia, you've said you want to hug me, squeeze me, lift me and make beautiful memories that I could say are my better days.

Upon looking in every corner of my house the memories of her are still alive, maybe if the time is not cruel to us and gives us enough time Mom I should just ask you, talk to you and listen to you on the couch that we we're both sitting there and cherishing all the time. I know you're talking to me now Mom but I really wish you were here. I really hope you're proud of me. you're not died dead, you're alive in my head.