Birdgirl

11 - Head On

Lia was confused - was. Nothing ever made sense to her as far as finding a person attractive goes. She didn't understand why she found herself nodding along, agreeing with the guys if they pointed a girl out. Some were not her type but others, she found attractive. "Not her type" was not exactly a good enough reason for a straight girl to decline another girl considering her "type" could be a girl with a different personality or beauty.

The more she analyzed it, the more apparent her "crush" for one Mark Fletcher sounded nothing short of hilarious. Crush is a very loose word, easily thrown here and there. In Lia's case, Mark was just admirable because of his kind heart and...that's it.

Now, Kensi Lancaster is different. No one had ever been at par with her in Lia's eyes - whether it was personality or beauty. Not even the sexiest, most coveted and most beautiful celebrity could compare to her. The girl had just been inherently perfect and Lia could remember why she shied away from her the first time she was graced with Kensi's presence. She saw the intensity and the passion in those green pools, and she feared she would melt or turn into stone if she stared back, and that was when they were at a great distance from each other. What was she even going to say after the nerve-racking enough greeting? "You're incredibly beautiful and I can't believe you're human, and oh, do I feel so inferior in front of you. Do you happen to be a Greek god's daughter?" She would probably just uncontrollably speak and would not be able to contain her nerves. She might as well just vomit all the words in the dictionary.

The seventh grade orientation was a blur to her considering she was going through a personal problem. It was amazing how she even noticed Kensi's eyes. Renee, Lia's mother had a miscarriage the previous day and she was very excited to meet her still born baby brother, only to be disappointed by the second trimester.

She remembers Kensi's raspy voice and how soothing it was to just listen to the girl explain which classroom was which. The rooms were fascinating to the young middle schoolers but Lia had not taken an interest in them. She listened to Kensi while her gaze was set on the ground. She made friends with dust and old discolored and flattened gums that were stuck there. She listened to her without knowing the girl with the intense green-eyes and the girl with the raspy voice was the same one.

When Lia put two and two together, she wasn't all too surprised. And to Lia, Kensi was and always will be divine.

"This is becoming to be a very gut-wrenching habit of yours." Kensi spoke through an awkward laugh. Her eyes warily attempted to hold Lia's questioning gaze. "In a good way, of course." She clarified.

The green-eyed girl's world just about stopped after hearing Lia confirm the drunken mumble that kept her up 'til dawn. The force of her heart hammering against her chest was powerful that Kensi thought she would wake the girl whose head was nuzzled on her chest that fateful night.

She was scatter brained and the rarity of her being startled to a great extent is staggering. Only a day ago, Kensi could only dream that her best friend shared the same feelings for her as she does for Lia. After practically exhausting all the subtle moves on the younger girl for years and years, Kensi was close to giving up. She did not even think that dealing with the situation head on was the better choice. Actually, she did but fear had preceded her. What would have happened to them and their friendship if Lia rejected her? Kensi was certain her entire world would cave in and climbing up from the debris would have been the most challenging, if not, futile.

"What is?" Lia curiously c****d her head sideways, furrowing her brows.

"Surprising me when I least expect it." Kensi clarified. "I couldn't really sleep last night. I mean, I wanted you to say it when I was actually trying to tell you I have feelings for you instead of staring at me like I'm crazy. And when you didn't, you couldn't just wait 'til the morning, could you?" Kensi quipped, raising her brows knowingly. She was trying to make light of the situation considering her heart was beating out of control and her heightened nerves were choking her. "Were you aiming to make a heart-stopping c****x? Because if you were, it was a great success, my dear best friend."

Lia hummed inquisitively. She pulled her head back as she processed the new information. To Lia, she thought she had been quite conspicuous, as well. She could have considering the boys saw through her. Lia would often abandon all her friends when Kensi asked to see her and that included the shallowest of reasons. The problem with that was, it should have been Kensi who noticed and Lia should have picked up on the green-eyed girl's meaningful actions. Lia did cease with trying to illustrate her love with little gestures, even went as far as avoiding spending too much time with Kensi when Duke finally obtained the girl's yes.

It was excruciating but again, Lia was only after Kensi's happiness and if Kensi wasn't happy with the center-forward, she did a pretty good job at hiding it.

Did Kensi love two people at the same time? Maybe so. She might as well have two hearts, as in two cardiovascular organs and then she'd have an excuse two love two individuals. But then, that would be a medical anomaly. And wouldn't have been extremely difficult to handle two frantic hearts? Her hammering pulse and the outward force from that singular heart that somehow cause tremors in Kensi's torso were already unbearable. Furthermore, she didn't really need two anymore. Her feelings for Lia were probably a default, that no matter who or what came, Kensi would still love her the same.

"Did you really not know? I mean, you didn't suspect anything when I initiated our first kiss?"

"N-No." Kensi shook her head furiously. She shuffled in her seat, looking blankly straight ahead, to the television.

Looking back, Kensi couldn't really think straight after just experiencing the high from her first kiss. At the time, she was just happy she didn't waste it on someone lesser or least special and Lia couldn't be any more perfect.

"I mean, you and I both know we were never really typical friends. I've practically dropped hints here and there but you just decided to help your friend win me over. You didn't really downplay that first kiss but you didn't really do anything. Can't really blame a girl for being discouraged." Kensi looked down to her hands, tracing the miniscule veins that protruded the back of her hand with her vision.

The biggest sign of rejection for Kensi was when Lia showed up to her house one day - bearing flowers and a believably happy fake smile. Kensi could remember that day so vividly. It is unfortunately that she could remember the painful tug at her gut, too. It was like her love letter had never even reached its destination, only to be shoved back, forcefully at that.

The younger girl had "happily" announced the beautifully vibrant lilies were from Duke but the boy had absolutely no idea Lia bought it. At least, that was how Kensi perceived it. That was one of the reasons why Lia is an effective wingman. She could effortlessly fake emotions. The hardest one to fabricate had always been bliss and she had learned it over time after thinking she had absolutely no chance with Kensi. However, she was unaware that the seemingly meaningful contact of Kensi and Duke's skin was only to entice her envy and somehow be hit by a brick and realize that it was only an act for the green-eyed girl.

Kensi awkwardly chuckled, finding the curtains of her eyes closed. Lia was pensively somber, as if she was not listening, but she was. The younger-girl heard every single word, even those that weren't verbally spoken. With Kensi's eyes concealed, Lia plastered hers on the girl's full lips.

The younger girl was as baffled as her best friend. She had always set Kensi up high on a pedestal where all she could ever do was look up and squint her eyes amid the blaring light. She thought it would always stay that way and she would just be at awe of the green-eyed girl. But then the ground leveled and both were now seeing eye to eye. They felt the same way for each other. And that may be a bit hard to believe for Lia.

Every single time she laid her eyes on Kensi, Lia found it extremely difficult to look away. It was as if she was staring at her life and how beautiful it is - she is. She almost felt bad for the people won't get to see Kensi in all her magnificent splendor but then again, she wasn't sure if she wanted to share. She had shared the green-eyed girl before but Lia knew she would be able to do it again, especially after she had finally discovered a crucial information.

"It was almost insulting that you didn't even think of me as a worthy partner. I mean, I'd be better than all those guys you could date." Kensi joked, amid her serenely concealed eyes. She playfully scoffed with her lips turned up in a smirk and green eyes finally revealed themselves. She mustered a scornful look when she turned to her friend, pointing at her chest. "It's me we're talking about. I'm boyfriend material, babe."

Despite regaining her composure and reverting back to their playful stride, Kensi could still not look at her best friend -at least, not for a long time. She was not certain as to what she feared. Maybe it was that if she re-engaged their eyes, she would find lies, that Lia was just saying those things for her sake. Or it could be that she feared fear itself.

"You'd actually be the best." Lia declared quietly. Her timid voice spoke nothing but the truth. It exuded her utmost sincerity that her husky voice wavered slightly. "You still are."

"Excuse me?" Kensi asked, taking a sharp breath. It wasn't because she didn't hear the girl. It was more on the lines of she could not believe what she had just heard.

Things just seemed too good to be true and Kensi could not be certain if she was merely dreaming of everything or if she was actually there, living it. What do I do now? Kensi questioned herself. Was it even too soon to ask Lia that question she had been meaning to for as long as she could remember?

Kensi knew she wanted to give them both a shot but Lia hadn't really been coming to terms with the grave loss of her childhood friend. A relationship would complicate things but it could also be something that would put order back. Lia had been severely mangled since Duke's passing and it seemed as though it was just Kensi who could see it. It could be because of their deep connection with each other and maybe Lia's deception skills just became even stronger that even her three male friends could not pick it out amid the lies.

"Amelia, Kensi, dinner!" Renee's muffled voice echoed through the walls.

"We'll be right there, mom!" Lia retorted, yelling to the direction of the door to make sure she was heard. She then turned to her amused friend who was smiling at her. "If we don't go, she will just keep calling until she has to come haul us downstairs."

"Believe me, I know." Kensi laughed softly.

Kensi was internally disappointed despite the smile on her face. She was more inclined to think she was dreaming given that the thing she wanted the most hadn't been fulfilled yet. As much as both girls wanted to settle everything and embark on a journey together, meet the future with a different role to each other, they just had to wait after dinner to discuss it further. Otherwise, the Casey matriarch would be the first problem they would have to face which was completely avoidable.

Both girls trudged downstairs with hands securely fastened. The Caseys did not think much of it. They were used to the intimacy between the two but always just thought of it as a profession of a close bond of friends. However, they had not seen the excessive physical contact between Duke and Lia. The odd part about it was, they didn't even see the boy and Kensi kiss each other - not even an innocent one on the cheek, forehead or nose. Conversely, Lia and Kensi were a bit too much on the kissing and they were never subtle. They may never be on the lips but they're still kisses, meaningful ones.

"Kensi?" A very surprised voice erupted, emanating from the front door as Kensi and the Caseys were halfway through their dinner. The despair in her tone could be heard despite the overpowering shock. "I didn't know you were here, honey. How are you?"

Kensi's heart sank as the voice registered in her head. She instinctively reached for Lia's hand and intertwined their fingers. She knows the voice and she had not heard it for more than three months. She instantly panicked, associating the still grieving mother, Deborah Hunt's voice with anxiety. Her eyes widened while she sought for the brown ones that soothed her. Lia mirrored the same horror in her friend's orbs. Her protective side wanted to just drag Kensi out and run away. She could sense the discomfort that descended upon her best friend's entire body who was perceivably stiffening.

Even Lia's parents were worried. Both cautiously looked up from their plates, gaping. Renee looked at the girls apologetically, unsure if she had prevented the situation to the best of her abilities. Kensi was like a daughter to her and as much as Duke was a son, too, Renee still wanted to protect the green-eyed girl from experiencing the tragedy all over again from Deb. The woman was aware about how affected Duke's mother still is and she was afraid Deb would drag Kensi into the same hell she was still dwelling in.

However, it was bound to happen. Lia couldn't keep protecting Kensi forever. There was just no such thing as a safe haven.

Lia offered Kensi a weak yet encouraging smile while tightening her hold on the green-eyed girl's hand. She leaned close to Kensi's ear, whispering, "I'm right here."

Kensi promptly stood up, mustering every brave bone in her body. She did not let go of Lia's hand until they couldn't hold on anymore because they were physically far from each other. She gulped as she and Deborah took steps closer to each other. As the woman grew closer, her grief-stricken face became even more defined. Her face was not in its usual vibrant, welcoming aura. In fact, there were frown lines and they were not just shallow creases anymore, they were gorges and shouldn't adorn a middle aged woman's features. They were from Deb's incessant frown that usually resulted to tears being unleashed, voluntarily or not. Her usually well-kept hair lacked its sheen. Even her voice became dull and lifeless.

The light that shined from within Deborah Hunt was now bleak, it just vanished. Kensi could not remember the kind of person the woman was before Duke passed away and that woman died along with her son.

And when they wrapped each other in the least comforting hug, Kensi expelled air that she unknowingly restricted in her lungs. As everyone suspected, Kensi could feel the vile, unwelcoming arms of fresh grief in the woman's embrace. It was suffocating and it was not just Deb's tight grip. It was as if pain crawled to her neck and wrapped itself tighter and tighter.

The green-eyed girl could feel an uproar of emotions devour her. She was remorseful that she did not reach out to the woman. However, that just caused a very reasonable voice in her head to protest and tell her she had to recover first if she were to provide Deb any sort of comfort. Somehow, she wished she had Lia's ability to fabricate emotions. Whatever the case was, there was only one truth in Kensi's head - she had to pull back.

"I've been well. How about you and Mr. Hunt?" She tapped the woman's back before finally freeing herself, desperate for oxygen. It seemed as though breathing was insufficient, and maybe having two pairs of lungs wasn't as bad as having two hearts.

Kensi reluctantly met Deb's gaze and immediately noticed her hazy eyes brimming with tears.

"We're getting there." Deb truthfully confessed, sniffling. She drew air in to muster as much composure and everyone knew what was to come. "Duke loved you dearly."

The four words rung in everyone's ears, bouncing to every inch of Kensi and Lia's apprehensive hearts. It hurt to a physiological level that both felt their cardiovascular region crumple and twist dry. The knots in their bellies were tight coupled by the abnormal intensity of bile.

There was something about a grieving mother that could easily depress everybody. It was exceptionally haunting as far as the ex-girlfriend and, his and her best friend are concerned. Kensi was moving on and she was intending on moving past everything with Lia. Was it cruel to do so?

"I know, ma'am." Kensi choked out.

Kensi wanted to but she could not say the same. She did love the boy but the question was: did she love him enough? And then, the bigger issue was that Kensi felt more loved and more needed by Lia despite the unquenched yearning for romantic love. Lia had made her feel that she was more than enough even the younger girl deliberately distancing herself from her during the year and a half of her relationship with Duke.

"Why don't we eat first before we spoil the food?" Eric, Lia's father urgently interjected after his petite wife kicked him under the table. The man with salt and pepper hair is the male version of his teenager albeit the minor differences that Lia inherited from her mother.

Just as Kensi swiveled, Deborah grabbed her by the wrist, forcing the teenager to look into her miserable eyes. In an instant, Kensi knew nothing Deb could say would be good.

"Can we talk after?" The woman implored rather desperately. "I would really love it if we could."

Kensi urgently looked back to Lia - regrettably apprehensive by her ex-boyfriend's mother. The younger girl didn't need to say anything, just that one salient knowledge that Lia was there was enough for Kensi. She just had to see those brown eyes.

"Okay." Kensi reluctantly agreed, nodding weakly.

It was no surprise that Kensi suddenly lost her appetite. She was aimlessly playing with pieces of her food, pushing them around until she remembered she was not by herself. She was forced to eat just to be respectful to Renee, who made the meal for them. Lia didn't quite care about what her best friend's mother thought about her at the time. Kensi had always been her priority. And so, she wiped her mouth, ridding it of excess oil from her food. She threw her arm behind the girl, resting her hand on her waist before leaning in to plant a delicate kiss on Kensi's cheek. The green-eyed girl sealed her eyes as a reaction to the touch - relaxing instantaneously.

The affectionate exchange caught the attention of the three adults seated around the table. While both Casey's hearts swelled with the knowledge that Kensi was being comforted, the sole Hunt was quite confused.

"You don't have to talk to her." Lia whispered. "I can distract her."

Kensi pulled back slightly and adjusted her head towards her friend, offering her an appreciative smile. She shook her head, graciously declining the offer despite dreading the conversation which was long overdue.

There was a definite discomfort sitting in the pit of her stomach which will never quite go away unless she aired her concerns out or just came clean to the woman. What could Deb do, force her into still dating her dead son? That was just rather absurd, if not, utterly insane.

Lia immediately relented seeing the determination in her friend's eyes. Kensi is a strong girl to her. She admired her friend for that and many other things. Furthermore, if Kensi couldn't help but cry, Lia would be there - no questions asked. She returned the smile. Kensi caught everyone off guard when she lifted her head to plant a lingering kiss on Lia's forehead. She then shifted so her mouth was by Lia's ear.

"Thank you." She said in a hushed tone. "I love you, Lia."

Lia's chest felt warm with affection. She will always be there for Kensi despite the absence of spoken gratitude. Those appreciative gestures and words were just an incentive.

"I love you." Lia proclaimed in the same volume, smiling rather bashfully. "Now, eat your veggies, kid."

Both girls giggled at that while pulling away from each other, which put a smile on the three adults. If it were up to Kensi, she would have just kissed Lia right then and there. However, she knew she couldn't and she was forced to be okay with that for now. They weren't even dating yet. And what would they tell the Caseys? They had not even been enlightened with Lia's sexuality -a relationship would practically be a hurricane when coming out could just be rain.

Alas, dinner could not be stretched for all eternity to prevent the dreadful conversation. The Caseys offered to take care of the table, allowing some privacy to settle between Deb and Kensi. The two visitors sauntered towards the living room and Lia found herself standing by one corner of their rectangular table, pretending to wipe the aforementioned fixture. She was watching her best friend, just to make sure the girl had a pair of warm brown eyes to look back to.

"She'll be fine, honey." Renee assured her and kissed her temple promptly. "You've done well with helping her. We're proud of you."

Eric opted to squeeze his daughter's upper arm, the one with the eagle's wing tattoo. That was an issue they had not talked about. The Caseys were aware of Lia's denial of Duke's death. They tried to understand, they tried thinking that that was their daughter's way of coping. They were afraid that if they said something, she would push them farther away. However, Lia had not come close to closure and they were desperate to find help for her. And to them, maybe help came in a form of a girl called Kensi Lancaster.

Meanwhile, Kensi was anxious. She could not steady her fidgeting leg and the hands that held her hand were absorbing all the positive things in her body and not helping her calm down. It didn't help that Deb sat as close to her as possible in the large enough couch. Air was immediately thick and suffocating.

"How have you been, honey?" Deb asked again, phrased differently.

The repetition of the question somehow made Kensi feel guilty. It was obvious that the woman is grieving like it had only happened a day prior. But everybody moves on with their lives and time is the perfect catalyst. It may not be fair to the Hunt's but if Kensi continued to immerse herself in agony, it wouldn't be fair on her either. Her recovery was nothing but normal. It wasn't unorthodox. She may have had it easier considering her best friend knew which comforts to offer.

"I'm better, Mrs. Hunt. Lia was there for me through everything like she was there for you." Kensi truthfully answered, avoiding her ex-boyfriend's mother's eyes. She looked at their interlocked fingers, and her nerves and anxieties have made her limbs moist.

"Yes," Deb nodded pensively. "She's a sweetheart, isn't she? She hasn't really been at the house that much anymore since school started. It's been really quiet since Duke."

The mention of her only child caused tears to resurface in Deborah's eyes. She was helplessly trying to prevent dams from giving out. Kensi mustered strength and squeezed the woman's hand that sat in her palm. It was all the more reason not to meet the woman's wary gaze. If tears ran the course of Kensi's cheeks, it would be out of sympathy and not her own pain. She had probably cried oceans in the three months of summer.

"She is." Kensi agreed wholeheartedly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Hunt."

"I appreciate it, Kensi." Deb choked out, lifting her hand to dry the first tear that rolled down and proceeded to tuck her light brown hair behind her ear. "But it wasn't just us. You had to go through it, too and Lia. I'm glad you have each other to find strength."

The woman forced a pathetic looking smile, unable to convince Kensi she was fine.

"Have you met anyone?"

A sweet smile grazed Kensi's full lips when thoughts of Lia swelled in her mind albeit being unable to foresee the question. As much as she tried to stifle it, there was no hope and it sent a dagger to Deborah's heart. One of the living memories of her son was drifting away from her and she could not do anything about it. She was barely handling the thought of barely seeing Lia while Kensi was slowly getting back on track.

"I'm happy for you." Deb begrudgingly mumbled and the hostility in her tone didn't go unnoticed.

She sighed heavily which made her frustrations apparent. Deborah wanted to move past the pain but it was her son that she would be leaving to nothing but just memories. She had not cleaned his room out. It was the same as when he left it. There were still pictures with his two prized girls: Kensi and Lia. His backpack still had his things from school, and sure enough, there are socks on the floor.

"I miss him with that muddy ball. He had never smelled that pungent unless he played. I miss his kisses and hugs." A bitter huff was expelled from her mouth with a small, insignificant smile. She pursed her lips, seeking strength while shaking her head. "I miss scolding him for not putting the laundry in its right place. He would spend all his time playing that sport. I miss seeing him with Lia, those two were like siblings. He never smelled as good as when he would go out with you. That boy loved you so much."

With no other words to say, Kensi withdrew her hand and swung her arm around from behind the woman. She held her for a good moment before deciding on brushing Deb's back soothingly.

Was that a guilt trip? Kensi could not tell. However, she chose to be understanding. Everyone became considerate to her, especially her seemingly unruly family and she felt she had to extend the same courtesy. Either way, it hit her. It made her question if she even deserved happiness again because Deb was not happy. She probably deserved to feel like crap because she may have only loved the boy as a friend. It was most likely her attachment to him that made her grieve and not just because she was strongly in love with him.

It was then that Kensi searched for the brown eyes she found love in and luckily for her they were still glued on her -anticipating it. Lia raised her brows inquisitively and the green-eyed girl stealthily shook her head with a pained smile on her face. The younger girl offered a sympathetic grin as she pointed to her eye, heart and then Kensi successively.

For a moment, Kensi furrowed her brows, contemplating on what it meant until it hit her. It was a sign language or some sort. It was mostly pointing but she got it. It was "I love you" and Kensi could not help but smile. It successfully suppressed her anxieties for a moment. A bashful grin made it to her lips before mouthing: "You, too" followed by a wink.

"I'm sorry." Kensi softly said to the weeping mother whose head was on her shoulder.

She was sorry for many things. No mother shouldn't watch their children being buried six feet under. She was sorry Deb is still living through the pain as if it were still fresh. She was sorry that she couldn't do anything to save Duke. Lastly, she was sorry she had already moved on. At least, Kensi faced the problem head on this time.

Deb didn't say much after but she said enough. Kensi was significantly shaken. Her only consolation was, it was time for Deb to go home. After hugs and goodbyes, Kensi shut the door and pressed her back against it while sighing heavily. Lia was worriedly watching her, uncertain if she had the right words in her.

"Hey," Lia extended her arms, beckoning the green-eyed girl to come closer. "Come here, baby."

They held each other for a long time and no one was loosening their grip. They just wanted to hold on and claim every ounce of love they both exuded. Lia was desperate to make Kensi feel better - she had been making sure the girl was able to stand up after the great storm and that was just a setback.

"Do you want to talk about it, baby?" Lia asked with unwavering grip around Kensi's midsection.

"Can we go upstairs?"

"Let's go."

With Lia's arm slung behind Kensi, holding the girl steady and close, they sauntered back to Lia's room. They were quick to climb onto the bed. Kensi cuddled to her friend, nuzzling her head by the younger girl's chest and raised her hand to intertwine it with Lia's. The steady rhythm of the brown-eyed girl's heartbeat soothed her, just like always.

It was what they normally did and normal had never felt better.

Kensi quietly recounted the events she had just braved through. Her voice would falter as emotions continually overwhelm her. Lia listened intently, stroking her friend's upper arm with the tip of her fingers. She was vicariously pained, too. She knew it wasn't fair on Deborah to practically slap Kensi with a distorted reality check.

Somehow, it stirred Lia, too. She had always thought she was fine and that nothing was wrong with her. She didn't see any sense in crying over "spilled milk." Lia had undermined the situation and her aversion to be drenched with pain somehow provided a thin umbrella over her head.

"Do I deserve to be happy, Lia?" Kensi insecurely queried, burying her head deeper in Lia's chest. "I'm sorry but I didn't give him the same love he gave me. I know it was unfair and I didn't do anything about it. Everyone is still hurting and I'm moving on from the pain. It seems so unfair."

Unknown to the younger girl was that by "everyone", Kensi meant Lia, too. She was praying that she could offer the same comfort and same strength as Lia when she was the sobbing mess. But what if the younger girl refused help? What would Kensi do then? She did not know.

The question didn't sit well with Lia. If there was meaning and purpose in her life for now, every single one of those revolved around Kensi. She did not understand why she just had to make sure the girl was perfectly joyous, it just seemed like an inherent necessity.

"You can't blame yourself for things beyond your control." Lia reasoned, pulling Kensi impossibly close. "If I had control over the universe, I would make sure you get nothing but the absolute best."

Lia huffed, frustrated that she didn't intervene earlier when she could. However, she convinced herself that it was for the best. Both Kensi and Deborah deserved closure. As far as Lia is concerned, she still believes she's invincible and maybe that was a little ridiculous.

"I want to make you happy, baby." Lia planted a delicate kiss on the older girl's forehead. She was wallowing in her deficiency -a familiar feeling she had felt over a year and a half ago. She felt hopeless. "If only I had what it is that'll make you happy. I would give it to you in a heartbeat."

"You do."