Wild Pursuit of Dreams

06: About him

Parang gusto ko'ng magpapadyak sa inis nang isang oras na kaming naghihintay pero wala pa 'ring dumarating para matulungan kami'ng magbukas ng pinto. 

Eh sino ba naman kasing mag aakala na may tao sa loob ng kulungan ng kabayo?! 

"Maupo ka nga muna." 

Nabaling ang tingin ko kay Roigie nang magsalita na siya sa wakas. Napairap ako.

"Ayaw ko nga! Trap na nga 'tayo dito, chill chill ka lang diyan?" Inis na saad ko dahil para'ng wala lang sa kanya ang nangyayari sa'min ngayon. Para siya'ng nanonood ng netflix dahil komportableng komportable siya na naka upo sa pile ng d**o. The f**k. Ano siya si Kristoff? 

"Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa'kin?" Naguguluhang tanong niya. He gave me an innocent look. Umiwas ako ng tingin.

"Bakit ko naman sasabihin sayo?" I asked him, still angry because of what he called me earlier.

"Dahil kaibigan mo ako?" Patanong niya'ng saad. Tumaas ang kilay ko.

"Kapal ng mukha." I whispered at umupo na sa damuhan malayo sa kanya. Ipinatong ko ang ulo sa dalawang tuhod at pumikit. Nagdadasal na sana may mag dilang anghel na makaisip na pumasok dito. 

"Siguro ipinaglihi ka ng nanay mo sa sama ng loob." He chuckled. 

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanya.

"Siguro pinaglihi ka ng nanay mo sa stick." Pang iinsulto ko sa kanya. Natigil naman siya sa tawa at tumingin sa'kin.

"May problema ka ba sa katawan ko?" Tanong niya, medyo mataas ang boses. 

Ngumiti ako ng nakakainis.

"Meron. Masyado ka'ng mapayat. Maputla ka 'din at mukhang walis ang buhok. Ano papalag ka?" 

He sighed. For a second, I saw a pain flicker in his brownish eyes. "Una, masyado pa ako'ng bata para magpalaki ng katawan—" 

I cut him off. "Bakit ilang taon ka na ba?" Tanong ko ng nakataas ang kilay. Kunwari ay hindi ako interesado sa buhay niya. Kahit ilang beses ko na itong naisipan itanong kay Everest pero hindi natutuloy. 

Natigilan siya at nagpatuloy. "18. First year college. Nag aaral ako sa Dr. Cohan Vereilles College. Meron ako'ng ina. Malakas pa siya ngunit hindi na siya makalakad. Dahilan para hindi na siya makapag trabaho. Si ama, may sakit kaya hindi ko man gusto ay kailangan ko'ng alagaan sila sa abot ng makakaya ko. Nagtatrabaho ako para may makain kami araw araw. Kung titigil ako sa pagtatrabaho ay walang may ipangbibili na gamot para sa sakit ni ama't ina." 

Natigilan ako sa narinig. Unti'ng unti'ng nag process sa utak ko ang mga sinabi niya. Sobra'ng bigat sa puso at kung hindi lang siya seryosong nakatitig sa'kin habang nagsasalita ay malamang naiyak na ako. 

"W-wala ka ba'ng kapatid?" I stuttered. Pinipigilan ang luhang gustong bumagsak. 

"Meron ako'ng kapatid na babae. Grade 8 pala'ng siya sa DCTCC. Boarding school ang pinapasukan niya kaya hindi siya sa bahay namin nakatira. Kailangan ko'ng kumayod araw-araw at the same time ay habulin ang grades ko. Dahil iskolar lang ako at hindi pwede'ng mawala sa'kin 'yun. I need to be on top so my scholar are surely preserved. I work 24/7 this summer to save money so I won't need to work my 4 jobs at time while going to school." He bit his lip and then he looked away. "So you see, I don't have much time for myself. Maraming umaasa sa'kin." 

Silence enveloped us after he talked about himself. I keep finding my tongue so the conversation would still running, but I won't find any right words for my question. 

"W-why do you need to study hard?" Lame question. The question that is always running in my mind while I was still in university. Bakit nga ba? Bakit ang mga tao ay nagsusumikap sa pag aaral samantalang may mga taong nagiging mayaman ng hindi nakapag tapos? 

"To achieve my dreams. It's a very cliché answer, I know. But I study hard so that I can achieve my dreams. So that I can get my family out of this hell. Out of this poverty." 

Wala sa sariling napatango nalang ako. Para sa pangarap. Nag aaral sila ng mabuti at nagsusumikap makapag tapos upang maabot ang mga pangarap nila. 

Out of nowhere, a thought came in my mind.

Siguro kaya hindi ako masipag mag aral dahil wala naman ako'ng pangarap... walang dahilan para mag sumikap makapag tapos dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin kapag nahawakan ko na ang diploma. I always need a help when it comes to this kind of discussion. About my career in the future. But no one is there to help me. They are always busy that's why every step I take, I always thought is wrong. So I step back. Back inside my comfort zone. Never trying to get out again because of lack of hopefulness and determination and courage. 

That's why siguro I admire those people who are already certain about what they wanna be in the future. Kasi ako, hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa'kin. Kasi sobrang hirap specially if you are mentally unstable. At this point, I'm lost and frightened and helpless. I can't do anything about it.

"What is your dream, then?" I asked, out of the blue. 

He automatically turned to me and heaved a heavy sigh. "I want to be a doctor. But I am one of those unfortunate human being who's born unprivileged. Sobra'ng dami ko'ng gustong gawin pero mas marami ang dapat ko'ng gawin. No matter how I'm eager to finish my studies and proceed to meds school, I couldn't," He stared at me with his brownish eyes that is full of discouraged thoughts and melancholy. He looked... miserable. 

"Because I need to work." But then, he still smiled. Despite the pain and devastation he's feeling right now... and unconciously, I let my guards down and smiled at him too. 

How ironic. He want's to become a doctor but he can't. Because he is not privileged like me. Me who have no dream at all. Me who's born with a golden spoon in my mouth and everything I need are served in a silver platter. 

Sa kwento niya, doon ko lang narealize kung gaano ako kaswerte. Kasi all my whims are always heard by my parents. I don't like studying and always ditching my class without knowing that there are people who will die just to get a scholarship they need to proceed studying every year. Hearing his story reminds me that there are so many people who's struggling financially. Everything in the world is runned by money. And he can't do anything because he's financially unstable.

"Ikaw. Ano'ng pangarap mo?" Tanong niya na nakapag patigil sa'kin. 

Pangarap. Ano nga ba ito? 

Pangarap ay ang gusto mo'ng marating paglaki mo. Ito ang dahilan kaya kahit na mahirap ay patuloy ka pa 'ring nag aaral. Kasi gusto mo itong maabot. 

Pero wala ako'ng pangarap. Ano ang mangyayari sa'kin gayong wala ako'ng gustong maging? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang purpose ko sa mundo. At ang center ko. Ayon sa isang kaibigan, center is what set you apart from everyone else. What is my center then?

Napatingin ako sa kanya. I didn't show any emotions.

"I don't have a dream. I don't even know why I'm still alive." 

 "Meron ba'ng taong walang pangarap?" natatawang tanong niya sa sarili. Pagkatapos ay tumingin siya sa'kin. 

"Hindi ako naniniwala'ng wala ka'ng pangarap, Larissa." He called me by my first name for the first time infront of me.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Paano mo naman nasabi?" 

"Kasi kung wala ka'ng gustong maging, you are  not sitting with me right here right now."  He stopped.

 "Lahat ng tao may pangarap. It's either your dream are not any profession, you just want to simply live everyday. That's still a dream." 

Para'ng pamilyar ang sinabi niya, ah. 

As if on cue, a memory in my mind came flashing by.

"What about you, hmm? What is your dream, mister?" 

"To be alive."

I realized that Eugene and I,  have similarities. Somehow.

"S-so that is my dream? To be simply live everyday?" I asked on myself. But he still nodded. 

"Remember the night I danced with you?" He reminded. Pumula ang mukha ko at umiwas ng tingin sa kanya. 

"A-ano'ng meron 'don?" Nauutal na tanong ko. 

"You said that you came here because you want to find yourself." 

I nodded. 

"And I said, I would help you." He then he flashed a smiled at me kaya nakita ang dimple niya. 

My heart started beating erractically. WTF. 

"Simula na ngayong gabi. It's either your dream is to simply live everyday, or you still don't figure it out because you haven't find what you really like." 

Napapikit ako. Doon ko lang narealize na magkatabi na kami. To the point na umaabot na sa'kin ang amoy niya... bakit ganun? amoy white flower siya. 

Naramdaman ko'ng lumapit pa siya sa'kin ng kaunti. "And I'll help you figure out what you really like."

Hindi ako nakasagot. He said he would help me find what my interests are... what I really like. Pero paano kung sinabi ko'ng natulungan niya na ako since the first night he said that to me? 

that is not what...

it's actually who.