The Secrets We Keep

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Hunter had spent a great deal of time wrestling with the notion of cancelling his session with Tom but none of the excuses he came up with sounded plausible. He didn’t want to use illness as an excuse and couldn’t think of anything else.  The flip side of that coin was that he desperately needed Tom’s help. So here he was, sitting waiting for Hippie Tom even though he would rather be anywhere other than here. He wanted run. Again. But there was nowhere to run and that brought him to why he was sitting in Tom’s ramshackle bach, surrounded by beautiful native bush and birdsong filling the air.

“Ah, Hunter how are you?” Tom Gordon joined him, sitting in his usual position opposite him, green tea in hand.

“Okay.”

“Mm doesn’t sound too auspicious. Want to share it voluntarily or do I have to drag it out of you?”

“I don’t know if I can share it, it’s painful, I’m stupid because guess what? I’ve f****d up again.”

Without saying anything Tom leaned forward for his tea, sipping at it, placing it back on the table.

“Did you f**k up just one life or multiple?”

“I don’t understand, isn’t enough that I’ve just f****d again?”

Tom shrugged, “Depends on the severity of your f*****g up and whether it had a domino effect.”

Hunter was getting pissed off, he didn’t want to play mind games with Tom, he just wasn’t in the mood, so he didn’t answer. Wasn’t that why he was seeing this guy?

“We’re doing this the hard way then,” Tom said, arms stretched out along the back of the chair he sat on, “Talk to me.”

“I don’t know where to start and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Is that any different to how things were a couple of months ago?”

“No.”

“I was wrong about you because I thought we were making some headway but now you tell me nothing is different. Take your time, as you know I have all day.”

“I’ve lost Olivia and Leo; Leo wants out of the rugby team and Olivia’s father had a heart attack and I wasn’t there for them.”

“Define having lost Olivia and Leo.”

“Jesus!” he groaned, “In hindsight it all seems so f*****g stupid. She came to help me tell Izzy that I wasn’t her father, and it was going okay because Izzy already knew. Then we started talking about the DNA and what we found on the rope.”

“And this caused an issue?”

“Mason and Izzy were freaking out about Nina and that she abandoned them so good riddance, that sort of thing. “

“I said Nina wasn’t well mentally and Mason jumped down my throat accusing me of making excuses for her. Olivia tried a different tack and both Mason and Izzy got stuck into her.”

“Oh dear. And Leo?”

“Came to his mother’s defence, told me to get lost and reminded Mason and Izzy that their crazy mother cut the rope and he could have died.” He took a deep breath and waited for Tom to say something but instead he continued to sit in silence. Finally, the other man took a deep breath,

“Why don’t we separate those things shall we? Break them down into manageable points for discussion.”

Hunter shrugged.

“How did Izzy learn you weren’t her biological father?”

“From a meddling family acquaintance quite a few years ago, when we were living in Spain. She’s carried it with her all this time.” He recounted Izzy’s fear of not him not wanting her as part of the family unit.

“And that’s been resolved?”

“That part yes, although now she seems angry all the time, Mason too.”

“Now, the tricky part. Olivia and Leo, what happened?”

“Like I said, Mason and Izzy were furious when I told them Nina was mentally ill, then Olivia tried making them see it from a different angle and that’s when it all went pear shaped.”

“Did Olivia say anything to you?”

Did she? He couldn’t remember because the whole thing had become a red fog in his brain that he couldn’t shift. Dammit he hadn’t seen or heard anything from her since then, nothing from Leo as well. It was Mason who’d told him about Jeff having a heart attack.

“I can’t remember. I don’t think so, she and Leo packed up their stuff and went home.”

“Did you call her? Go after her?”

“No,” the word became strangled in his throat. No, he didn’t call, and he didn’t try to see her, nothing had changed in fifteen years had it?

“Do you want to see her, to try and talk to her and explain your situation?”

“I know I should, but I don’t think she would be interested in giving me another chance, I’ve blown this one as it is. I’m still f*****g scared, too scared to contact her because I don’t want her to tell me to bugger off.”

“Wrong answer Hunter. What the f**k is wrong with you man?” Tom threw his hands up in the air and reached for his tea, “Maybe you should drink this s**t Hunter, it might help.”

“I told you I’d f****d up! I always do and today Mason tells me that Leo hasn’t been at school and Olivia has taken some time off because her father had a heart attack. My parents are barely talking to me and I’m pissed off with Mason and Izzy because if they had just shut up none of this would have happened!” Hunter was on his feet, rage burning through him, his fists clenched tight.

“Sit down Hunter I have problems with my neck, so I don’t have the luxury of looking up at you for prolonged periods of time.”

With some reluctance, he slumped back into the chair, before leaning forward, his right foot jiggling up and down.

“Take a couple of deep breaths and calm down. I’m not the enemy Hunter. Going back to Mason and Izzy if we can, have you spoken to them regarding the events of that morning?”

“They said they were sorry, and I didn’t know how far I could take it. My parents were there at the time and they lectured me on my shortcomings as a father. That emotionally I had been taken hostage by Mason and Izzy because of Nina. Then they left and everyday since then Mum has called me and asked if I’ve been to see Olivia or at least called her and every time I tell her no, she hangs up on me.”

“I wasn’t there obviously but I feel your parents have a valid point. You have consciously ignored bad behaviour from your children for fear of upsetting them, alienating them because their mother died, or that was what you were all led to believe. Tell me, at any point over the last fifteen or so years have you ever considered starting another relationship with a view to making it longterm or remarrying?”

“No. I was too badly burned the first time around.”

“Okay, so what about s*x? You weren’t celibate all that time were you?”

Shit, this was as bad as your father explaining the facts of life. Embarrassing.

“No, I wasn’t. In Spain there was someone I saw on a semi regular basis; she was married so I knew she was unlikely to demand more of me than I could give.”

“Interesting. Define semi regular. Were you having s****l intercourse each time you saw her?”

Hunter squirmed in his seat as Tom applied a blowtorch to his s*x life or lack of it.

“We got together usually once a month, sometimes twice if her husband was away. He had a mistress, so she didn’t feel she was doing anything wrong. She was Australian, married to a Spaniard and had no intention of leaving him. He had a lot to lose if he dumped her, so that’s how it rolled with them. They didn’t have kids.”

“Was the s*x good? Satisfying?”

“Fifty-fifty. She said it was good,” he shrugged, “So who am I to judge? I’m fairly sure she faked her orgasms, but I could be wrong.”

“That’s’ not exactly what I asked, Hunter. I asked if the s*x was good, not if she thought it was. Did you find it satisfying? Did you have problems with your own orgasm?”

Hunter could feel the heat of embarrassment rising over his face,

“You want to know if I came?”

“In a nutshell yes, but maybe more than that, were you physically satisfied when you came?

“Isn’t that how it goes for most guys? As long as we come we’re happy?”

“Are you one of those guys? Are you part of the wham bam brigade?”

“No! To be honest there haven’t been too many women for obvious reasons but I don’t believe any past s****l partner could say I was a wham bam guy.”

Tom nodded his head thoughtfully while Hunter tried dumping a boulder on his embarrassment.

“So, Olivia was your first serious relationship? Then you tossed her out because of a lie someone else told, you discover this person to be a f*****g psycho and she leaves you with two babies and allegedly dies in a car accident. You have a brief, somewhat one-sided relationship in Spain including mediocre s*x and then you return home and reconnect with Olivia with whom you have mind blowing s*x.  Have I missed anything out?”

“No. Jesus, I hate having my life laid bare like this. Can’t you just tell me how to stop f*****g up without having to reveal all of my insecurities.”

“No can do, Hunter. To teach you how to stop f*****g up, you need to be open about your life, warts, and all. You need to stop thinking you’re the only person who has experienced all this crap, you’re not. I already mentioned that at our first meeting.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Taking a sip of his tea, Tom speared him with a hard look, “In your efforts to protect your children from anything unpleasant, you have isolated yourself from adult pursuits and your children are still calling the shots.”

He was right, he had cut himself off from pursuing other interests and he wondered whether Mason and Izzy recognised that?  Were they unreasonably selfish kids or was it normal for teenagers to be selfish, only seeing the world through the narrow view of their own vision?

“Is there a remedy?” he asked.

“Of course, just as there a remedy for every malady. This is not a quick fix nor is it a magic fix, your kids will most likely act up, or they might surprise you and be supportive. Either way you need to allocate time for adult company, outside of having those kids hanging around. Of course, you love them, that isn’t the issue here. The issue is that you need to let them go, you can’t protect them from every bump and scrape, you already know that and just as the bumps and scrapes are replaced with more complicated issues, you also know you need to adapt.”

“What about Olivia and Leo, I mean my own son doesn’t want to know me. I’ve tried calling him, but it just goes to voicemail. Jesus, it’s his birthday soon and I’m going to miss another birthday and I told him I would always be there for him!”

“Did you leave a message for Leo on his voicemail?”

He shook his head.

Tom made a frustrated sound with his tongue, “Hunter, you’re going to have to grovel big time because this woman has walked on hot coals for you, she has helped your kids, shown them a mother’s love and guidance even though they’re not hers. I can’t guarantee you’ll get back what you’ve lost, but Mason and Izzy are going to have to apologise and by that I mean in a meaningful way and you are going to have to do the same. And fair warning a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates are not going to cut it either.”

Olivia was pleased to be home, for the past nine days, she and Leo had stayed at a hotel near the hospital where her father had an array of tests, lots of discussion with various doctors and eventually the decision was made to place a stent into the artery that was causing the problem. He was going to remain in hospital for a few more days and then he would be home. Her mother had stayed with Alex’s parents who had taken her to and from the hospital every day, dropping her off in the morning picking her up in the mid afternoon when Olivia and Leo would take over.

Now she was home and grimaced at the pile of laundry waiting its turn for the washing machine, Alex had restocked her fridge having taken the perishables Olivia had bought the day of her father’s heart attack and replaced them with fresh. How blessed was she with such wonderful friends as Alex and Marron? Alex had also weeded her vegetable garden and the sight of so many vegetables coming on so well lifted her spirits. Sighing she thought about her next task and couldn’t decide between cooking a batch of meals to freeze or get into a baking frenzy. Yeah, the baking frenzy won hands down. She looked up to see Leo returning to the laundry with the basket, after he offered to hang up the first load of washing. His offer had taken her completely by surprise and even though his hanging up technique might not be what she was used to, she wasn’t going to dent his already fragile ego.

“How much more is there?” he asked.

“One more after this one is finished. You did good bud, why don’t you take a break or, Lucas was looking for you, you could take your bike and ride over there.”

He shrugged making her even more concerned that her happy, outgoing son was retreating further into himself with every day and the fact that with each passing day there was no contact from his father  and nothing from Mason or Izzy was making her even angrier because at the very least they owed both herself and Leo an apology. It didn’t need to be grand but if the situation were reversed, she would have an expectation that Leo would do the right thing and apologise. Although visiting her father every day had kept her mind occupied, she wasn’t due to return to work for another four days and even though she could find all sorts of tasks around the house to fill her mind, she knew reality would have that same mind drifting to thoughts of Hunter and how their relationship had slowly begun to repair itself. Now she wasn’t so sure it could ever be repaired because Hunter seemed beset by problem after problem and did she really want to spend the rest of her life supporting him through all of that crap?

“What do you say?” she prompted.

“I dunno.”

The sound of a car approaching had them both turning their heads and Olivia smiled when she saw Xavier and Lucas.

“Hey Liv,” he greeted as he closed his door, “Everything okay?”

“Getting there. Main thing is that Dad is doing really well and will be home by next weekend.”

“That’s great. I was wondering if you’re okay with Lucas and I talking to Leo about the team?”

“I already told you guys; I want out. I can’t play because of Mason, because he’s such a total jerk as well as disrespectful to my mother. You can’t slay someone’s mother, can you?”

Lucas smiled, “Absolutely not. Mums are kind of sacred things that you need to treat with respect and kindness even if they’re nagging you to death!”

Olivia laughed, “I’m honoured to be considered a sacred thing Lucas,” she turned to Leo, “Come on bud, we’ll go and sit on the deck, have something to eat and drink and talk this out. You owe it to Xavier at least.”

“Are there any peanut brownies left?” he asked.

“You might be able to find a few. Come on.”

The boys took off while Olivia hung back with Xavier,

“Wow, the poor kid is really down isn’t he? I can’t believe Hunter hasn’t made more of an effort.”

“Leo had a couple of missed calls on his phone, but no message was left so I think that was Hunter’s best effort. It is painful for Leo because he wanted a father so much, wanted to be like all of his friends and it’s not as though he’s a little boy anymore, I try not to overdo the overt displays of hugging, but I am trying to reinforce how much I love him and how important he is to me and his grandparents and friends.”

The started walking upstairs,

“I’d hate to lose him from the team, Liv. He’s extremely talented and that last game he played there was a talent scout who asked me about Leo.”

“Oh my.”

When they reached the kitchen, Leo and Lucas were out on the deck, with a stack of cookies and two cans of cola.

“Hot or cold?” she asked Xavier.

“I might have the same as them.”

She reached into the fridge and handed him a can, “Done.”

“What are you having?”

“I’m going to boil the kettle and perhaps it’s a good time to have a word before I get out there.”

Olivia took her time making a coffee for herself, the low hum of conversation from the deck flowed reasonably smoothly, she heard Leo reiterate his desire to quit the team and Xavier’s persistent encouragement in response. Eventually, she took her coffee and joined them.

“Xavier said they’re having a barbecue tonight and we’re invited,” Leo informed her as she sat down, “We’re okay to go, aren’t we?”

“Of course, we are. Is there anything I can bring?” she asked Xavier.

“Nothing at all. We’ve also had a talk about rugby and what Leo is feeling about the team right now.” Xavier said, “Obviously there is an issue with Mason and Leo is extremely mature in his attitude because he feels that if he were to return, the animosity might affect the other team members.”

“I’m going to sit out the rest of the season,” Leo said, “It’s not my preferred choice but I’m one of fifteen players in our team so we’re either altogether or we’re all over the place.”

Olivia blinked away tears, Leo constantly amazed her with his clear-sighted attitude to life.

“Are you sure, Leo? There are still quite a few games left in the season.”

“There’s always next season, Mum.”

Olivia wasn’t convinced this was the right thing to do but it was Leo’s call and she had to respect that. However, a part of her felt that Mason ought to be making this sacrifice, not Leo.

“Okay.”

“Can I sleep over with Lucas tonight? I’ll come home with you if you’d rather.”

Olivia waved her hand at him, “No! Oh, my goodness it’s perfectly alright for you to stay.”

“Cool. I’ll just grab a few things and I’ll go with Xavier and Lucas now if that’s okay?”

“It is.”

After the three of them had gone, Olivia sat out on the deck for a while, collecting her thoughts, giving herself permission to have a good cry, again. She wanted to rail against Hunter and his myopic view of the world, the world he wanted to keep at bay as he attempted to protect Mason and Izzy from reality because anything else meant they would have to deal with Nina’s abandonment and ultimate betrayal. Yeah, that was a topic long overdue for discussion in the Lewis household but as long as Hunter was unable to cope with his own life, there was no chance he would try and get help for those kids.

Returning indoors, Olivia rolled her shoulders, trying to relieve the tension at the base of her neck before a full-blown migraine occurred. Downstairs she checked the washing Leo had hung out, taking in the items that were dry and then securing the door. She had no idea whether the threat of Nina was still real, but it didn’t hurt to keep the house secure, did it? When she got to her bedroom, her bed looked so inviting and her head was slowly filling with hammers, so she took her migraine medication, set the alarm on her phone. She had almost three hours before she was due at Marron’s and right now, she needed to lie down. Getting down to her bra and knickers, she slid under the covers and let her head sink gently onto her pillow, the last thought she had before sleep claimed her was that she needed to scrub Hunter from her life once and for all.