The Knowledge of Love

Chapter 4: A Shock

Chapter 4: A ShockI was sitting alone, a mug of coffee cradled between my hands and I leaned back in the chair and sighed. The tables in the mess were filled with people, but I'd purposely chosen a small table near the windows, where I could stare out onto the courtyard and avoid everyone. My demeanor kept people away, the avoidance of eye contact made it crystal clear to those surrounding me that I didn't want their sympathy, wouldn't talk, didn't want company. I'd only come to the mess for the coffee it could provide.

A plate of crisp bacon and lightly scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy sat on the table, untouched and stone cold. Nonny had delivered it earlier, but I wasn't interested in eating. Her sympathy was obvious, her black eyes awash with tears when she'd put the plate down silently.

“How's Conal?” I'd enquired morosely. In the week since the attack, I hadn't been to see him, couldn't seem to force myself to enter the hospital.

“Feeling better. Jerome says he might be released tomorrow,” Nonny said. She frowned, pausing for moment as she smoothed down her apron. “He'd like to see you,” she added cautiously.

“Maybe later.” The truth of the matter was that I didn't want to see anyone. Couldn't find forgiveness in myself for the actions I'd taken. Out of everyone in the city, Conal was the absolute last person I wanted to see. I was gutless enough to pray I could keep avoiding him. Conal and Lucas had suffered endless misery since we'd met. How could I apologize for what had happened in the woods? What possible way was there, to ask forgiveness for such utter stupidity? Conal had lost his spleen, almost died because I'd gone after Archangelo. Despite Jerome's best efforts, he would carry scars for the rest of his life. I couldn't imagine him wanting to see me, was convinced Nonny was only suggesting it to make me feel better.

She patted my shoulder and quietly walked away, while I returned to pondering my radically altered circumstances. What was I meant to do now? Paranoia gripped my chest, and I worried endlessly about others being hurt or dying. How would I cope if the Tines were killed, or Matt and Misaki? Lost and alone without Lucas, I didn't think I could survive the death of anyone else. Lucas's passing had gutted me, removed any ability to focus on a future in which this would all be over. The years ahead seemed completely untenable without him.

“Charlotte.”

I glanced up at the sound of Ben's voice, found him and Jerome standing beside the table. A worried frown marred Ben's otherwise perfect features. Jerome, too, looked concerned. “May we sit down?”

I waved a hand towards the empty chairs, subduing a heavy sigh. “Sure.”

Rather than speaking, they observed me silently for a few minutes. I wasn't certain if they were waiting for me to say something, but I didn't have the energy to bother. I focused my attention towards the window again, watching the pattern of life continue before me. The people of Zaen went about their daily lives, followed their usual routines. The children were lining up outside the newly formed school, preparing for their day of learning. Women stood in groups around the courtyard, chatting and laughing before heading towards their respective work roles. Men strode in groups towards the gates, prepared for training. Life went on. I couldn't begin to comprehend how it could.

“Charlotte, we need to talk,” Ben announced.

I huffed out an impatient breath, begrudgingly turning my attention their way. “I don't want anti-depressants. I'm not depressed. Just… sad. So don't try and pressure me into it, I'm not in the mood.” Jerome had recommended prescribing anti-depressants a few days ago, after the last of the funerals. I was refusing to consider the idea, not wanting to take anything. Preparations were underway to start giving small amounts of my blood to some in our group, bestowing them with the use of the weapons and medication might affect the process. Although Jerome had assured me anti-depressants wouldn't have any effect, I wasn't willing to take the risk.

“Charlotte, that isn't what we need to speak to you about,” Jerome announced, his gaze sharp. “Remember when we treated your wrist, I took another sample of your blood?” I nodded, rubbing a finger up and down the mug on the table and Jerome continued. “Lucas…” My eyes widened in alarm, startled by Lucas's name being spoken aloud and Jerome's expression softened, molding into compassion. “Lucas, Ben and I were attempting to produce a synthetic version of your blood.”

“I remember.”

Ben leaned forward, covering my hands with his and I felt the first twinges of alarm. What now? Was there something wrong with my blood? Did I have cancer? Was he going to tell me we had to halt the program because I was anemic? What the hell else could go wrong? It seemed as if I was spending my entire life stumbling from one catastrophe to the next disaster and I was sick of it. “What?” I finally blurted, looking from Ben to Jerome. “What's wrong with me?”

Ben faltered for a couple of seconds, shutting his eyes and the furrow between his brows deepened. “There's no easy way of telling you this, Charlotte. It's going to come as a shock no matter how we do it.”

I forced myself to breathe evenly, even as panic rippled through every nerve ending. “Maybe you should just tell me and get it over with.” My voice sounded far more stoic than I was feeling.

Again Ben paused and Jerome huffed out a frustrated breath. “Oh, for God's sake, let me tell her. You'd never make a doctor.” He looked me squarely in the eyes. “Charlotte, you're pregnant.”

My hand dropped to my stomach, unconsciously cradling my flat belly. “Pregnant?” I echoed softly.

Ben nodded, squeezing my fingers lightly. “Jerome discovered it when he ran your bloods this morning. He's been running routine tests on your blood for some time, checking for anemia, making sure your cell counts were high enough. One of those routine tests is for pregnancy. Yours came up positive today, confirming you're pregnant.”

I blinked rapidly, inhaling a sharp breath before the air whooshed slowly out between my lips. “The test? Could it be wrong?” Pregnant. Oh, God. I couldn't be pregnant. But you could, an inner voice reminded me. Lucas and I had indulged in unprotected s*x. It was completely feasible, if not unprecedented.

“I've confirmed it. Twice, in fact,” Jerome reassured me. “You're most definitely pregnant.” He sat back against the chair, waiting silently while I digested this bombshell.

I shut my eyes, focusing on Lucas in my mind. He appeared before me, his eyes filled with mixed emotions – unbearable sadness combined with a light of incredible joy.

“Did you know?” I asked, knowing the answer even before the words were uttered.

“Yes, love. I knew from the moment I arrived here in the… afterlife, whatever you wish to call it.” He gazed at me, his blue eyes calm and composed. “I told you I'd left something to remind you of our love together.”

“I thought you meant your ring!” I protested. “Not a baby! I can't do this on my own!”

“I wish you didn't have to, my Charlotte. I've tried everything I can think of, but I can't find any way back to you.”

Ben squeezed my fingers to regain my attention and I turned to him, eyes filled with tears as Lucas disappeared into the mist. “Ben, what am I going to do?” I pleaded anxiously.

Jerome answered decisively. “The first thing you're going to do is eat something. It isn't good,” He glanced around, ensuring nobody was in earshot, “for the baby if you stop eating now. When did you last eat something substantial?”

I shrugged faintly. “I don't know.” The past week was a blur, I'd been going through the motions each day without any thought or direction. While I continued to train with Nick and Epi, I was on automatic pilot and doing what was asked of me – nothing more, nothing less. Had I eaten dinner last night? Lunch yesterday? I couldn't answer the question.

Jerome huffed a frustrated breath and Ben released my hands, picking up the untouched plate of food. “I'll be back in a minute.”

Jerome hauled himself to his feet and patted my shoulder awkwardly. “I'll be at the hospital. Ben'll bring you over to see me later. You're going to be fine, Charlotte.” He limped away, waving to a couple of people and left me alone at the table.

Pregnant. I swallowed nervously, my hand still resting against my belly. I couldn't begin to comprehend their announcement, couldn't imagine having a baby on my own, without Lucas here to share it. To bring a baby into the world, in my current situation, it was inconceivable. Now more than ever before, Nememiah's words filtered through my memory, filling me with a heavy sense of dread. Only one of us could survive, Archangelo or myself. How could I possibly fight against him when I had a new life growing inside me? Having a baby now was completely unthinkable. It would be impossible to continue in the role of Nememiah's Child while carrying a baby in my womb. How could I take that risk? What other choices did I have when so many people relied on me for their continued existence? I couldn't abandon them now, but I'd been placed in a position which was utterly impossible. As much as the idea appalled me…

“Don't even think it, Charlotte.” Lucas's voice filtered through my mind, his tone brooking no argument.

“I can't do it, Lucas. I can't have a baby now,” I whispered.

“You are having a baby now, my love. My baby. Our baby. And I will do everything, everything in my power to protect you and our child from danger.”

“How can you help?” Abruptly I was angry, furious with Lucas for leaving me alone to deal with this mess. I shouldn't even be considering having this baby in the current circumstances, it was so impractical it bordered on ridiculous. “In case you haven't noticed, you're gone! You left me!”

“Charlotte, I would never have willingly left you.” The reproach in his voice was impossible to miss. “Please, I'm begging you. Don't destroy this miracle which even now is growing in your womb.”

“I'm frightened, Lucas.” The anger was gone as quickly as it had built, leaving behind the gaping emptiness which had engulfed me in the past few days.

“I know, my Charlotte.” He paused for a moment, and I wondered if he was searching for the right things to say. “I don't blame you in the slightest for being frightened, but I'll find a way to help you, my love. I will find a way; I give you my word.”

“Charlotte, here. Eat something.” Ben reappeared and pushed a plate of fresh sandwiches in front of me before reclaiming his chair. He put a mug of coffee on the table and watched until I picked up a sandwich and bit into it obediently. For a few minutes he sat in silence, waiting until I'd finished eating before he spoke again. “I know this must be something of a shock.”

“You could say that,” I agreed tersely.

He leaned across the table, searching my eyes. “Does Lucas know?”

“He knew before I did,” I admitted. “He's known since…” I couldn't finish the sentence.

Ben watched me closely for a second or two. “I can only imagine how delighted he is. Many of us dream of fatherhood, despite it being an unobtainable goal. To have it given to him now must be bittersweet.” He patted my hand. “For both of you.”

“I don't know what to do,” I admitted. “Ben… what should I do?”

Ben shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. “Charlotte, I can't possibly suggest what you should do. I have no experience to draw on in helping you reach a decision.” He eyed me cautiously, a frown creasing his forehead. “What I can tell you, is that fatherhood is something we vampires wish we could experience, yet know it is impossible. And I'll be honest with you, my opinions on the subject would be skewed. I was born centuries ago, in a time when infant mortality was incredibly high; to bring a healthy child into being by the grace of God was seen as a blessing.”

Lifting the coffee mug, I sipped the hot liquid, giving myself a few moments to think. The idea of a pregnancy was still unbelievable and each time the word 'pregnant' ran through my mind, the same sense of disbelief hit again. Maybe I should take time to let the news sink in before I made any decisions.

“Charlotte…” Lucas's voice was full of emotion, but I shook my head minutely. I needed time to think this through, without extra pressure from anyone. With a snort of displeasure, Lucas spoke again. “Alright, my love. I will give you time to think without my input. I love you.”

Ben was watching me carefully when I looked up. “Lucas?” he guessed.

I nodded tearfully. “He wants me to have the baby.”

“Of course.” Ben fiddled with a paper napkin on the table, folding it in half, then in half again. A vampire fidgeting was never a good sign and I waited patiently for him to speak. “Charlotte, to be honest, I don't think I'm the right person to help you with this. Perhaps Rowena…”

I shook my head vehemently before sipping my coffee, trying to control my rioting emotions and get a grip. I needed to focus, calm myself and try to wrap my head around these new circumstances. I groaned out loud, shaking my head again, but with less vigor. “This has to be kept secret. You, Jerome and I are the only people who can know about the pregnancy,” I declared determinedly. “At least until I make up my mind.”

Ben patted my hand again. “I can understand you're feeling that way,” he began softly, “but I've never kept a secret from Rowena and I'm afraid I can't start now. She will want to support you through this, Charlotte.”

I licked my lips nervously. “All right, but nobody else,” I insisted.

Ben's mouth lifted into a wry smile. “Unless you've become remarkably adept at guarding your thoughts, I'm afraid we have no way of keeping the news from Ripley. He has completely regained his ability.”

I moaned, dropping my head into my hands gloomily. “This is impossible!”

“Charlotte, you've had all of fifteen minutes to digest this news. Give yourself time to come to terms with it yourself, before you make any decisions regarding how to proceed. For now, let's take a walk to the hospital and meet Jerome. He'll be able to answer your questions and you can think about what you're going to do.”