The Knowledge of Love

Chapter 5: Confessions

Chapter 5: ConfessionsIt was a glorious day outside, with a soft breeze blowing across the courtyard as we made our way to the hospital. Ben spoke of inconsequential matters as we walked, but I barely listened. The clear blue sky was reflecting off the glass meeting hall, creating a mirror image which was really quite pretty and would have given me pause to admire - if only I could get my mind off the other, more pressing matters which were taking my whole attention.

Jerome met us in a small room on the first floor, which he'd converted into an office for himself. It had the normal accoutrements of a Doctor's surgery, with a desk, a couple of chairs and a bookshelf to one side holding a multitude of medical volumes. Opposite the bookcase, an examination table was covered with a white sheet and Jerome waved his hand towards it. “I want to perform an ultrasound,” he announced. “Get up on the table and undo your jeans.”

“Do you think there's something wrong?” I questioned sharply. The sheer power of maternal feelings which flooded my thoughts was stunning, and I knew in that instant that I could never harm this baby. Lucas's baby. Somehow, I would have to find a way of dealing with the situation, work through it and discover a way to protect the child growing inside me.

“No, no,” Ben said soothingly, helping me onto the examination table. “But we have no parameters for this situation. Nothing to help us judge what's normal and what isn't for an angel who is pregnant to a vampire.”

“How are you going to know what is normal?” I questioned anxiously, undoing the button of my jeans and releasing the zipper. “Is this safe for the baby?”

“For Christ's sake, you need to relax,” Jerome grumbled. He picked up a piece of plastic which had a handle and looked kind of like a solid paintbrush. “It's perfectly normal to do an ultrasound, thousands of women have them every day. I'm checking the baby's health, obviously, but Ben's right - we don't know what will be normal in this situation. I need to see if you're progressing as a human pregnancy would, or if the pregnancy will be accelerated or decelerated in comparison. This'll be cold,” he warned, a split-second before he squirted cold gel across my lower belly.

He lowered the paintbrush-like instrument and wiped it across my skin, watching a small television screen which was sitting on a table. I couldn't make heads nor tails of what he was looking at, but he and Ben watched the screen avidly and occasionally Jerome pressed a button on the small keyboard by his side taking some sort of measurement.

“All done,” Jerome announced, removing the probe from my abdomen and wiping the jelly-like substance from my skin. “Everything looks absolutely perfect.”

“The baby's okay?”

“Perfect. There are no abnormalities, absolutely nothing deviating from a typically human pregnancy at this stage. Based on the measurements, I'd estimate you're about four weeks along.”

I did some rapid calculations. “I must have fallen pregnant…” Blushing furiously, I lowered my gaze to the floor.

“Probably the very first time you and Lucas made love, I would imagine,” Ben offered, with a quirk of his lips the only outward sign of his amusement.

“Seems we should have considered contraception before the event, rather than after,” Jerome announced dryly.

I pulled my sweater down over my belly, marveling that there could be a baby in there. Jumping down from the exam table I adjusted my jeans, pulling up the zipper and fastening the button before I met Jerome's eyes again. “So what happens now?”

Ben grinned, his brown eyes filled with unconcealed relief as he realized I'd decided to keep the baby.

Jerome was washing his hands. “We keep you and your baby healthy. You keep worry to a minimum, get plenty of rest and I'll provide you with pre-natal vitamins. We'll figure out the rest as we go along.”

I rolled my eyes cynically. “You make it sound so easy.”

“I wish it was easy, Charlotte. But we both know it's not.” Jerome rested his hands on my shoulders, looking down into my eyes. “If anyone can cope with this, it's you. I know you're frightened and I know you're grieving. But you can do this, I have the utmost faith in you.”

Ben cupped my cheek against his palm. “Go home and think it over for a little while. You'll no doubt have questions you'd like answered once you've had time to process the news.”

“Good idea. Take the day off and get used to the idea of impending motherhood,” Jerome agreed with a wry grin.

“Epi's expecting me.”

“I'll deal with Epi,” Ben assured me. “I'll tell him we have some blood work to do. He's chomping at the bit to have more people to use the weapons – he'll accept that argument.”

I reached up to throw my arms impulsively around Ben's neck, hugging him close as I kissed his cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered quietly against his ear.

“Charlotte, you know we all love you dearly. We will do anything we can to help you through this. All of us will support you and assist in any way we can,” Ben reminded me softly.

I released my grip on Ben's neck and slipped out the door, stopping outside to get my bearings. I'd scarcely noticed our route coming in and I turned in what I thought was the direction of the front door, my mind still reeling. Pregnant. Pregnant and alone. And fighting a war I had serious doubts we could win.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I leaned against the wall for a minute while I gathered my scattered thoughts.

“Charlotte, honey, what are you doing here?” Nonny trotted up the hallway, carrying a plate of cake. She was wearing her usual vibrant attire; today's ensemble was a bright orange skirt teamed with a crisp white t-shirt. “Have you come to see Conal?”

“Um… yeah. I wasn't sure what room he's in.” Seeing Conal was the very last thing I wanted to do, but I was cornered like a rat in a room full of traps, unable to tell Nonny the true reasons for being at the hospital.

“Come, mi pequeño ángel. I'll show you where his room is.” She gripped the plate in one hand and linked her arm through mine, pulling me along at a pace which defied her advanced years. “He'll be thrilled to see you!”

Thrilled was not the reaction I expected, but I didn't like to appraise Nonny of my concerns. I'd worried for days about this, certain Conal would be blaming me for his injuries. He'd been attempting the exact same thing as Lucas – trying to rescue me from my own stupidity. It was my fault he was in here.

Not your fault, you i***t. You didn't stab him, Archangelo did. My brain reminded me once again of Archangelo's role, but it wasn't helping to overcome the guilt.

Nonny led me upstairs to the second floor and we walked along a bright corridor, stopping at a door on the left. Nonny pushed the door open and walked inside, dragging me behind her. “Hey Conal, look who I found in the hall,” she announced cheerfully. Nonny released my arm and bustled across the room, leaning over to kiss her grandson's cheek. “I can only stay a minute, got to get back to deal with the lunches. I've brought your favorite, chocolate mud cake.”

Conal's eyes never left mine as Nonny bustled about, plumping his pillows and straightening the blankets. I tried to distinguish the emotion in his eyes, but I was so emotionally overloaded, I couldn't comprehend it. His skin was a little paler than normal, his jaw covered with dark stubble from a week without shaving. The bedcovers were drawn over his hips and scattered across his broad chest were the scars from wounds Archangelo had inflicted.

Nonny glanced from Conal to me and grinned, her black eyes twinkling with mischief. “Alrighty then, I'll get back to work. Charlotte, when you've finished here you come on back to the mess. I've got the ladies making fajitas for lunch. I'll save you some.”

“Okay, Nonny.” I smiled faintly, watching as the older woman sped out through the door, closing it soundlessly behind her.

“Hi, Sugar.” Conal greeted me huskily; pulling himself up in the bed a grimace crossed his features.

“Are you…” I took a step closer then stopped uncertainly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm good. Recovering well.” He indicated a chair beside the bed. “Come and sit down.”

Sheer willpower forced my feet to operate and I sank onto the chair, perching on the edge. Conal took a minute to study my face, his black eyes expressionless. “You look like hell, Charlotte,” he finally remarked.

“I feel like hell,” I admitted, rubbing my hands together in apprehension. “I'm so sorry, Conal.”

“For what?” Conal raised an eyebrow, looking genuinely mystified.

“For putting you in danger. For going after Archangelo.” Tears brimmed against my eyelashes, threatening to fall. “For getting you so badly hurt and getting Lucas… and getting Lucas…” I couldn't finish the sentence and lowered my gaze.

“C'mere,” Conal demanded, holding his arms out. He snagged one of my hands and coaxed me towards him. I allowed him to do so, tears spilling uncontrollably as he drew me onto the bed, taking me into his arms.

I cried against his shoulder, unable to form a single word, let alone a cohesive sentence. Conal held me, rubbing his hands soothingly across my back. When the sobbing eased, he spoke. “Nobody blames you, Sugar. What happened was all that bastard Archangelo's fault.”

“I shouldn't have gone after him.”

“You did what you thought was right,” Conal responded calmly. “We were in the middle of a battle. I think Archangelo had it all planned, before the fight even began. He's crazy, Sugar. Completely insane.”

“All the more reason why I should have held back,” I admitted. “I should have stayed with you and Lucas.”

“Charlotte, listen to me,” Conal ordered, his deep voice determined. “The choices we make during a battle have to made in a split-second. You made a choice, it could have gone either way. Blaming yourself isn't going to change a thing, won't fix anything. It's only going to eat you alive, if you keep feeling guilty like this.”

“You're right. I know you're right. But you're lying here, injured and Lucas is… Lucas is…” Again I struggled to complete the sentence.

Conal pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I wish it had been the other way round.”

I raised my head to look at him, my forehead puckering into a frown. “What?”

“I wish it had been me who'd died. Not the bloodsucker. It would have saved you this heartache if you still had Lucas by your side.”

I stumbled from the bed swiftly and turned back to glare at him. “How would that have been better?” Anger was quick to rise to the surface, my emotions a veritable cauldron of bubbling passions.

Conal frowned, rubbing his hand over his chin as he considered. “You loved him Charlotte. I'm just saying it would have been better for you if Lucas was alive.”

“You think I would have felt better if you'd died?” I shrieked. “What sort of person do you think I am?”

“Charlotte…” Conal's eyes widened as he comprehended the intensity of my rage.

I stomped to the door, wrenching it open with enough force to make a sizeable dent in the drywall when the door knob hit it. “For your information I would have felt like crap whether Lucas died or whether it was you! I loved you both!”

“But you chose him!” Conal exploded. He'd clearly reached the end of his tether and his black eyes filled with swift rage. “You can't blame me for thinking you'd have preferred it if I died! He was the one you chose to be with, Charlotte, not me! It didn't matter how much I loved you, you never loved me enough!”

For a moment I was stunned by the savagery of his words. When I spoke my voice was lifeless. “It doesn't matter. Because now I've got nothing.”

Ignoring Conal's shouts, I slipped from the room and ran down the corridor, taking the stairs two at a time in my haste to escape. I ran with my head lowered until I escaped the building and reached the grass courtyard. I stopped abruptly, taking a few deep breaths and surveying the vicinity without really seeing a thing. I wiped my face with my sleeve, awash in the agony of Conal's confession about his true feelings. I'd lost them both, one to death and one to bitterness.

“Charlotte?” Acenith and Ripley hurried towards me, concern in their expressions. Acenith caught my hand and pulled me into a lengthy embrace. “Charlotte, is it true?” she whispered.

I bit my lip, looking at Ripley with an unspoken question in my eyes.

“Sorry, Charlotte. It's all you've thought about for the past hour. It was impossible to miss,” Ripley said.

I nodded and shrugged. “It's true. I'm pregnant.” How many times would I say it before I actually believed it myself? The only thing I felt currently, was numb. Things were progressing far too swiftly to comprehend, to come to terms with the situation I found myself in.

Acenith gripped my hands, squeezing them tenderly. “Oh, Charlotte! I honestly don't know what to say. I don't know whether to congratulate or commiserate.”

I smiled, despite my current misery. “Neither do I.”

Ripley caught me in a brief hug when Acenith released my hands. “We'll do anything we can to help,” he said kindly.

“Would you like us to come home with you and we can talk about it?” Acenith offered.

I shook my head forlornly. “I don't want to go home.” Although I continued to live in the cottage Lucas and I had shared, I barely spent any time there, avoiding it as much as possible. There were too many memories, too much sadness and I only went there when exhaustion was overwhelming and I needed to sleep.

Ripley dropped his hand on my shoulder. “Let's go to Rowena and Ben's. No doubt Rowena knows by now; Ben has never kept a secret from her.”

Acenith linked her arm through mine and smiled. “It will be okay, Charlotte. I promise you, you'll get through this.”