Broken son

Here we go again another grown up telling me "I can"t". Hey my name is Cj and we can start back in elementary school it was one of the first days of kindergarten and I"m told how again I"m great and going to do great things when I get older. Me just uttering to myself what I was told by my teacher " You"re so smart its like you have the mind of an adult trapped in a kid body. I mean that"s how it felt too, great. Great to be looked at as someone who is actually going to succeed. I"ve never been cocky picky or stuck up I just know my worth is all. I was always the one made to be responsible my mother wanted a strong independent black women so bad she created one. I"m kinda gender confused? Girls are supposed to cook clean do hair all of that stuff. The way my mother raised me was so I can raise other kids. It helps in the future and all but it confuses me so. I wasn"t allowed to go anywhere until I turned 14, it was always "you have to watch the kids" they get mad when you act like a parent a do their job but s**t wtf you act like the parent? You do your f*****g job wtf. I had enough of taking care of kids tbh I wanted to be able to only have to worry about me for a change. I"ve went through a lot of things throughout my life idgaf about who feel sorry or not. I come home to tell my mom the good news "mommy guess what ms. Mux said...." "No you aren"t she lied to you don"t believe that" thanks kill my spirits off early, all I wanted was to be loved and taken care of. Nobody stopped to realize I was the first born but had no time to myself I was still a baby and needed taking care of, but nah I had to take care of my sister. I tried so hard to get attention. I tried to go "missing" one time the only way everyone noticed I was gone was because, I started crying because I sat under the car for an hour and nobody even bothered to say my name. My mom found me and whooped me. From that day on I understood nobody gives a f**k. Its hard like I get tired of trying to show to everyone I matter. I have feelings but nobody cares they just wanna talk they s**t hurt your feelings pretend like they help you and repeat. Thanks family you guys are awesome. I was born in 99 and I"m the first born in my generation, well my granny didn"t get her first grandson until 2005. Its cool I really don"t trip I try not to be mean and just literally say f**k everyone but that"s how I feel. I used to see hope all I see is blurriness, its like nothing in life makes me happy anymore. I used to stay with a smile on my face now its all kinda fake. Its so irritating literally I have nobody that understands. I"m always ONLY told "I love you" never shown but hey. In school I was pretty popular everyone was my friend basically I go to school and turn into someone else this vibrant ass interesting person everyone wants to be around and vibe with you. Its like everyone I come in contact thoe either is toxic for me or just does me wrong without a reason. I never once shed a tear about nobody giving a f**k about me so why start? It can be my fault w.e I do tbh I don"t even do s**t but hey I always do something. I"m always talked about so much to the point to where idk how to talk anymore basically. Its tiring just being me period. I feel like I wish I can just have a break from everyone and all the bullshit. It just like boils my skin when someone says something and I don"t say something back I need to go back to being that b***h that literally don"t give a f**k you got some to say to me? b***h let"s argue typa b***h. No matter age race gender w.e I had to bite my tongue so much because I was in a situation where I was made to go crazy. My mental already isn"t all that strong and I was put somewhere where I"m always stressing not eating not really being able to sleep constantly talked about and just scared to let everyone know "hey guys I"m still here". I always thought " why?" I"m still a person you guys I have feelings too and ik you have feelings which is why I would just be like "oh okay" let me go crazy and you can go smile and on with your day. I"m just tired of not having any support I"m trying to support my self, it hurts lml to not have nobody you can depend on and its been like that for years and I"m only 18. I was 10 years old when my granny said she was gonna stop being me clothes because my dad wore them? She act like I gave them to him and made him put it on but hey yeah blame me right? I"m sure when davon was 10 he didn"t stop receiving clothes from you I literally don"t give a f**k I did with what I had everyone else had bags and bags of clothes I had 2 bags of stuff. Its cool you do for everyone else I"ll be able to do for myself without your "help" too its just a super plus. I"m sorry I"m trynna tell the story but this part is like ugh because I kinda want her to come and "think" and then we might end up fighting literally and tbh I wouldn"t GAF none. Im not saying she didn"t buy me anything or nothing like that. But you was one of the shttiest grannies ever. I can come to your f*****g dumbass with anything without me being wrong or just it being bad and I get talked about. Well s**t here we go I"m talking s**t. The only time we spent time was because the nigga you was trynna get d**k from brought his son along and ig you made a quick thought like "oh I sure do have a grandson" b***h f**k you. I"m sorry but somebody has to say it. SIS YOU AINT s**t YOU LOOK LIKE A BALD HORSE AND YOUR HUSBAND IS OLDER THAN GRANDMA YOU BONIFIED WEIRDO ASS WANNA BE. Im sorry love but like she irritates me with her whole soul energy vibe everything thats the one person in the Scorpio season that first made me start saying I hate Scorpios. Its my turn to do some s**t talking. Like we not finna mention how if williesha and jeanesha wasn"t twins they would also have different dads. Nobody gets on her about the faults she made its like the weird b***h didnt make any?? Thats that s**t sweetie and thats why I"m here. You turned my store about my childhood into a bashing post gtfo. Text time you try and tell me about pual and Petter ima tell you about safe s*x try tf, then ima ask for you to present each diploma you received like don"t ever f*****g do me again please and thankyou. Thats my story lml ended up bashing