DEPRESSION ANXIETY

I am 22 years of age as of now year 2022. I became a mother of a baby girl when I was 19 years old and followed by another baby girl of 22 years old. I just wanted to express myself here since I can't or I am too scared to say it out loud. I am afraid to hear their opinion of me. I will start with my 2 babies first. Both of them is from different father. My first born was at the time when I get a job at some big store department. I met her dad here and we were workmates. He is a dad himself but then his live in partner left him with his son to follow a lady boy. I gave him some few comforts and with the help of our workmates pairing us together we eventually become lovers. It didn't take long before I conceived my first born. Just as we were about to live together there is a problem with his mom. His mom didn't want him to be responsible of me. We also thought of renting another room or house but it didn't work because he didn't fight that much. It's not that I didn't met his mom. Everytime I have an day off at work I always stay a night at there house. I didn't find that his mom dislike me so much until I got pregnant. My family was trying to persuade him the he could just go to our family even only with his dad to face them but it didn't happen. I am very sad that he didn't even bother to fight for us. My family calmed me down saying that if he didn't really want to take responsible of us it didn't matter because they can still save us a bite. So after it I didn't have much contact to him except on the internet hoping to save our relationship. He never visited me again in our house until I gave birth to my first born baby girl. At first I thought that after I gave birth his mother would have change her mind but i completely overestimated my value. She didn't change her mind and didn't even ask for her grandchild situation. I am totally disappointed by her action. His father is okay and he even make an album for my child. They've seen my child once when I brought her there and his father was very happy to see the child. But after that we didn't see each other anymore. I cut all the ties I have with him. I feel like I am not part of his future plans. He made no effort of keeping us. He never even visited her once with initiative and the only time they see the child is when the first time I brought her to their house. I feel so pathetic. I am sad ofcourse but I got no time to be sad because I still have to raise my baby on my own. I don't have any job at that time and only waiting for my mom to feed us. From our food to her diapers, milk and all the baby stuffs. Fortunately my mom has a small business and sometimes I help her so that I can have money to buy my girl what she needs. Until her godfather started sending her a money to buy all her needs. I am not stranger to her godfather because he was once my ex-boyfriend. Also he was a nephew of my stepfather. My stepfather would always mention him to me saying how good he is that he has a very good job. They always pair us. They also guaranteed about his character that he is a good man. Before when I was still labouring my first born he already knew that the father of it is very irresponsible and want to stand as a father to my child but I disagree. I don't want to. No matter what they say to me I didn't listen and put my first born under my name. At first he would contact my moma nd then he would send money for my child and that happens every month without fail. Later on he would try to contact me but I always put my phone into a flight mode because i don't want to talked to him. My mother persuaded me that I could have just at least answer his calls out of respect. Since then we started contacting each other again Actually it's not that long contact because I always put my phone into a flight mode. And then he would contact my mom again asking why he cannot contact me. Until that one time in december he joked about giving me a new phone which I didn't take it honestly because I thought that he is only joking. Until the phone comes to me in Christmas. I was stunned that he did it. Actually my mom has been asking me about the phone i want and i would just answered perfunctory to her. I am very hesitant to receive the phone but the timing of it is just right because my old phone immediately broke. I thanked him for the phone he give to me. After that I didn't have any reasons why is shouldn't answer his calls. So I answered his call and then I tried to get along with him. The year that he was about to go back home. He was telling me that he wanted to pay me a visit which I readily agreed. So I was waiting for his arrival and his visit. The day of his visit I made myself presentable and waiting for him to get there. I am expecting him to come into a jeepney until my mom told reprimand me why I didn't told her that he is about to asked my hand? I was too shocked to make sound.