finding strength in vulnerability

I was born in 2000 in a village called nkoloko kapiri district In a family of nine on my mother's side and five on my father's side on both sides I am the last born We used to keep cattle and survived on on small scale farming Dad used to drink a lot Mom would go out to sell cooked chicken to buy maize meal in small package locally called Pamela so that we can eat I was just a younger I was not even 7 when I witnessed all this Yeah.. but we never slept hungry but at some point it got rough were we survived on caregiver food. After some years we moved from nkoloko village to mutinta village Where my two brother Mazuba and busily started school at ndili basic school I wonder how they were coping coz dad was spend most of his time and money in beer lol Then we moved to another village called muzyamba where I started my school together with my other two brother who were in high grades than me at a community school called lusumpuko No serious teachers the community would just get anyone who can read and make them teacher. My dad was Literate and was involved in a lot of community activities in villages besides him being a drunkard one day he even got out neighbour arrested for sleeping with his niece. After some time in muzyamba village we were chased by the leaders of that village due to some issues I don't remember obviously it was my dad with his drinks and intelligence in the village We moved to mutinta village here again we continued with school all I remember is I used to go to school at ndili basic school with no shoes foot sometimes but and my dad didn't even know what grade I was in he would ask time to time Ah so what grade are you now but he will still forget.. We continued time time he got me shoes, Another story I forgot to tell while we were stay in muzyamba I almost died We used to sleep on mattress made out of suck and grass, so one day due to mosquitoes I got a suck for joa saka and light it then put it under my best it was believed that its smoke would stop mosquitoes So as the night went it kept burning untill it got to my grass mattress and then fire started Luckily I don't know who heard first if it's mom or dad they got me out and started keeping our the fire that's how I survived Back to mutinta village now at this point I was not serious with school in a week I would go once lol dad never noticed because he was usually out drinking kachasu As time went by in the year 2009 the big man dies in road accident along great north road at corner which was famous known for accidents in our village He was bashed by a white hiece when he was coming back from buying fertilizer at place called green leaf. When he died we moved on with mom, still in mutinta village age and at ndili primary school, after his death the owner of the farm reduced rentals for us although when dad was killed in an accident he was with the bike for our landlord So after dad's death the landlord would come to ask my family to pay him back Yeah.. we kept on growing this time j was still not serious with school we never even owned a watch at home so I used to use the shade of a big tree which we had at our home to see if it's time to go to school. My other two brothers were serious Mazuba who was the oldest brother among the 3 of us and smartest and liked by teachers used to play football and do athletics at school very talented so he never missed an event at school for this reason he was very femaous at school. Busily always quiet like my dad and minding his business, no one would know what the guy is Thinking kkk.. him being my immediate brother we used to fight a lot and I always list these fights. I continued missing classes untill in grade four they gave us a new class teacher who used to beat any one that makes noise or miss classes Mr mpasela.. he was best friends with my big brother Mazuba due to football at school so due to fear of being beaten I started pulling up my socks and minimises missing classes Next year I was in grade 5 and still didn't know how to read, but Mr mpasela used his efforts and teaching us the vows in Bemba laters now started making sense before this I kept wondering how people manage to make words out of letters. In grade 7 they gave us a more vicious teacher Mr mbolo who would beat you for any simple issue all pupils were scared of him. Mbola became my teacher and I tried to miss a class or two that landed me in some embarrassing beating in front of the class. From that day I stopped missing classes with no proper reasons I was dull at this point I used to pass number 26 But after mbola came and continued teaching us vows I finally knew how to read and started understanding things then I drastically moved from passing number 26 to 3 that's how I started computing with the smartest boys of our class. year 2012 we moved from mutinta village to ndili village at least it was near school, here we never used to pay rent we would only go work for the landlord this was called muzaleka whatever it meant. Mom was doing better in farming at this point the cows which dad left grew in number so did the goats which I used to look after everyday because I was the youngest and couldn't manage to look after cows so the cows were left to Mazuba and Busiku. Mazuba the smartest at our house and most talent at school then started chilling with bad friends and lost his way so he decided to stop school and start farming. He started well in farming but his friends seemed to be driving him so he would use all his money made after selling his crops to buy drinks maybe even women. That's how Mazuba refused to go back to school and decided to marry at age 16 because he started drinking the smart big brother did not continue with his good yield in his crops and that's how he fail the big bro. Year was 2013 I wrote my grade 7 I was hearing people say studying though I never knew how to do it so I would get a book and start reading through while I look after my goats in the bush and preparing for my grade 7 exams. I enjoyed going in the bush to look after the goats because one of the cutest girl and smartest girl of our school and village used to look after their goats took so we would meet in the bush and play we even started dating though she broke my heart as she started seeing another guy from school. 2014 results came out for grade 7 and I cleared but I refused to continue school in the village so 2014 when I was on 14 years old I decided to travel to town kabwe city in Beach's compound were my half brother was staying . I told him about the issue he said let's stay together, so we started staying together and I started school in town at Ben kapufi primary school. I wasn't so dull here but coming from village I was not match for most of my classmates especially in the English subject.. I used to do well mostly in geography it's always been my favourite even in high school I started adapting the school and life in town. After some months my brother was fired and he decided to move to Ndola then I had to remain alone in Bwacha to survive, luckily Busiku decided to come rewrite his grade 9 in town and my friend Chisenga who used to be my classmates at ndili was staying with caphas so after my half brother left I started staying with Busiku and Chisenga. Me in grade 8 with 14 years staying with my almost same age friend and brother, now we had to survive on our own. To pay rent and buy food, so we made sure everyday after classes we get slashes and moving from door to door to look for peace works and we used to find God's willing we were often tired by the time we need to study. For this reason my brother who was in grade nine even failed his exams because he didn't have time to study. Upon failing he and Chisenga went back to the village and I remained alone, I continued with school but at this point I decided to start selling my goats since I had some at the village in order to settle rent and ration. Sometimes I would just travel to the village to go and get some veggies but the funny way was the way I used to travel with a K10. One day i never had any money but I decided to go with faith on the road side, I kept stopping vehicles the passed because I didn't have money to pay untill someone with a Hilux picked me and dropped at a village, inside the car I was scared because this was my first time to be in a Hilux I though you myself maybe these a satanic or abductors but they dropped me safely. .so I continued staying alone until I wrote my exams for grade 9 and I almost missed a science during the exam because I over slept but fortunate enough my science teacher who also happened to know my situation intecided for so I wrote. After exams j went back athe village while at the village I decided to go visit uncle Cheelo in Lusaka I stayed with him until my results came out and I cleared. He sent me to southern province to go and look for a school and I failed because I had Bemba on my transcript instead of ichitonga so he ordered me to go back to kabwe were I started school at Sanford chirea while staying at my best friends parent house they kept me in their home for a term. It was untill my cousin in kalulushi called to go and stay with him so that he can be helping me when I left my kabwe. When I went there we stayed together untill I finished my grade 12 at kalulushi secondary school without struggling like I struggled in 2014 and 2015 looking for food and money for rentals. Year was 2018, I completed high school and left my cousin's house and went back at the village when my results were out I was very happy so was mom and my other family members I called my uncle Cheelo in Lusaka and he invited me to his house. While there in 2019, one day he came back from work and told me I have found a school that is giving bursaries go and apply. We started prepare it turned that the bursary was not 100% so he was willing to cover the other fees and I was ready to start school in January. Uncle Cheelo fell since in April and died, damn! Back to drawing board looking for someone to sponsor my tertiary education. Seeing what happened, I decided to apply to another school hoping they will be no other big fees to be paid once I'm on bursary which I heard they offer and I was accepted at this school. I waited untill the bursaries were advertised which people said only those with 6 points get bursai but me I was stubborn so I applied anyway and got accepted on 100 percent government bursary which only lasted for three months before some chsngesvwere made. While waiting for my year to start I knew I need to raise some money so moved from Lusaka to Ndola were my brother was working he helped me learn his way of survival we started working together for a certain company selling herbal medicin we moved from town to town and even sold in buses. I adapted to this job very easily because I'm good with talking to people, time moved I started making some money I even managed to buy myself a smart phone. One day I was working in kalulushi and I asked my friend to escort me he enjoyed the process so he joined me and that's how we started working together we moved in a lot of places. We then recruited one of our friend and we went to sell our products to kasumbalesa so on our way we decided to stop over in chingola and make some sells it got late and we could not find the buses to kasumbalesa so we spent a night on the station this was not our first time sleeping outside. One-day we went to mpongwe and failed to find were to sleep and the money we used to make was not enough for us to afford a lodge so we slept in the market tables. Kasumbalesa was nice experience because we even started learning the new language for Congo people when negotiatingvwuth them, we learnt some I can even speak a little now. On our second day in kasumbalesa our new recruited friend who also happened to be in a new relationship back home lost his phone, he was very sad he couldn't sleep he cried the whole night like a girl and the following we day he went back home. In kasumbalesa we used to sleep in a big room belt at the market where a lot of people who had no where to sleep and can't afford lodging were accommodated it had no mattresses we paid k20 per night. In the morning there was a place were you pay to take a bath so we did this every morning as we prepared to go sell our products. We worked at least in all Towns in copperbelt so I suggested we go work in Lusaka my friend refused because he couldn't speak nyanja that was his excuse. When time to go to collage came j went back to the village and stopped work I had raised some money which I used to pay for registration, mom sold a cattle which to help with other fees the the cow which was to sell k10000 was sold at k1500 because the buyer asked to take it to him after we killed it but on our way to town we had a breakdown on the vehicle that we hired so the beef started getting worsted and that's how we only managed to get a k1500. Damn where can k1500 get me, they said don't go I said God will make way I will survive my mom cried so did i. But I didn't give up and decided to go anyway. I don't know how we managed to clear all the fees but I started school at Evelyn hone in 2020 on 100% bursary. In April the government announced that bursaries have been reduced from 100% to 50% meaning I have to pay the other flhslf for my school fees and I had no one to pay for me.a lot of students stopped at this point I was also advised to stop. But me I was stubborn so I didn't stop by this time I was staying with my aunt in an outskirts of Lusaka so everyday when going to school I had to board a bus I used to raise this transport by doing some piece works in people's fields and plots. When the burden got heavier and I thought of giving up I decided to talk to Salim to post my story in search for well wishers. I told my friend about my plan he laughed said it's embarrassing I didn't change my mind though I let him write a story and he posted on his f*******: page. People started commenting other positive and some positive the story trended it was even shared in a daily mail paper. I received a lot of calls and we'll wishers came through so I was feeling okay this day. Untill my other family members so it and they said a lot of things about it because they felt embarrassed about the story. I thought why are they embarrassed when they don't help me, they kept talking Saying I'm ungrateful I don't appreciate the help which I received from my other cousin during high school. I was confused and depressed so I called my cousin who helped me in high school ge wasn't picking up i kept on feeling bad. I now thought I have embarrassed my family and myself with the move I made so I thought of killing myself on this same day so that all the talk can go away, lucky that day my cousin who was not picking up called I talked to him about the issue at hand and he said it's not bad and he was just okay with it and that's how I changed my mind about killing myself. Well wishers are in now and we continued with school it was all going smooth untill COVID came and we had to go on forced holiday which delayed our stay in campus ISTEAD of finishing school in 2022 I finished in 2023 but we finished anyway with help from well wishers and mom with some family. What's next after college, I didn't want to go back to the village so I talked to one of the well wishers and he called me to go and work at his farm while there another one of my well wisher called me and asked if I can work at the council as a refuse collector. The pay was better so I said yes and went. I worked as a refuse collector while hoping for another better job offer since I was educated but I clocked one year as a refuse collector without any other job offer. So I thought to myself obviously I belong here and I accepted the situation. Feel months later someone asked me submit a cv another one of my well wishers later I went for a one week training as a community trainer for media and information literacy the job has more dignity than working as a refuse collector so I didn't even hesitate to take the offer.