Confusion
1914 Words
Peters pov.
I stormed downstairs going for another beer. Uggggh!!!! I growl loudly. I feel nothing but anger. With myself, with our situation. The whole evening. I can't help how I'm coming off right now.
Everything I fucken say comes out all wrong cause she doesn't f*cken know I'm her mate! Me the best f*cking friend.
I was gonna f*cken tell her right when she turned fifteen. That way she didn't feel our whole friendship thing was a lie this whole time. It feels wrong that she can't be told like I"m grooming her for when she will ultimately become mine if she'll have me. Disgusting!
But I was f*cken told last year on her birthday of all days that until I beat Josh, in his wolf form, which is my last act before I become Beta of the Mongolian pack, that I'm not allowed to tell her. Allowed? Alpha commands, of course, he'd use it to pull one over on me.
I pace the kitchen sipping my beer. Body shaking in so much anger. My eyes pulsing red. She has never made me angry.
Yeah, I'm fucken angry! I'm in here entertaining Heather about to bang her for f*cks sake when my wolf gets all happy al the sudden. I hear the doorknob to look over only seeing a naked woman standing there. It takes a whole fucken two seconds for me to even realize it's my mate I've just oggled! She never stirred any feelings from me before and I always prayed to the Goddess she never would. Why would she come into a grown man's home naked? What else don't I know?
I don't care right now, this is just wrong. My wolf doesn't give a s**t that she's only fifteen. I feel fucken disgusted with myself. Yeah, she's f*cking beautiful, made just for me in every way, but not now.
Why I'm paired with her and her being so much younger than me, I don't f*cken know but it's like some sick fucken joke man.
It really pissed me off that she showed up while Heather was here. Not that I didn't get my hook up but that I don't want her to witness me with other women. It just ain't right. I don't want to have meaningless arguments with my mate over a fling that will never measure up to what she will mean to my life.
Then she said she would crash somewhere else only wearing a towel. Not no, but HELL NO! Is this a thing that happens often? Goddess I hope not, for I'd hate for young boys to have to come up missing.
Then it stung like hell when she said she wouldn't sleep in my bed. It's because of what she obviously knows happens in my bed.
Not that it would had happen to her cause I'm no f*cken cradle robber, no matter what the Moon Goddess decided. I didn't miss the look of disgust that washed over her when I mentioned it. I was an i***t! I didn't miss the wrinkle of her nose while she stood in my room waiting for my shirt. She obviously doesn't like my scent being mingled with another, but it's too soon for her to develop any bond feelings.
I had to take a second, looking into her eyes. I had to reassure myself that she's mine before taking her to our maybe in the future bed.
That's if I even succeed.
It's not that I don't want her. I do. I always yearn for that bond we will one day share. It's just been so many years that she hasn't been old enough to be my mate. Then she could still reject me. I mean she f*cken thinks I'm her friend!
I am, but it was more so I could be near her somehow. Then I've spent so many years training to be good enough for her. Like damn, am I not mother f*cken good enough right now? The man I am? Should I have had to look down on myself?
I trash my empty beer to walk to the fridge to open another. I pace my kitchen again sipping my new beer. Thoughts rolling in my head like a raging river.
So I completely decided in that moment, looking into her beautiful dark shimmering, enchanting eyes, that I was without a doubt in three years going to claim her as mine! No more doubting this decision. I haven't worked as hard as I have for nothing. All has been for her.
Twelve years younger or not she's f*cken mine. My bond, our pull, EVERYTHING says I need her.
I want her fucken right now. It's pathetic. I'm tired of the flings the secrets, the lies of her father. Three more years. That's all I've got to tuff out now.
Hell, I've gone this fucken long, why not three more years? Yeah, I've been doing all this to be worthy for her, but it never really felt real, but hell, she's pretty much a woman right now. I felt my bond in an immense struggle with me for the first time tonight.
It's fucken real now. I already love her. I already feel possessive of her. I would already die for her. So f*cken what I found her attractive before I knew who she even was when she walked through my door today. So f*cken what she is to be mine in three years and I be damned after everything I've gone through to one day be worthy of her, that I'd ever let her reject me. Hell no!
Goddess! I didn't want to leave her crying like that. I'm just going through too much right now. It's all real. I mean three more years! It began at thirteen. She was just a tiny little five-year-old who stole my heart. My whole world turned to an instance to revolve around another being that was gifted to me from the Goddess herself. My gift. My princess.
All my negative thoughts about our age difference. The fact it's just been too many years now knowing but her not. Then I and Heather's been going strong for f*cken years now.
I can't say she wasn't upset either when I told her a*s to leave on my way to check on my Princess in the bathroom. I feel guilty yeah. She has been my go to for years. She keeps me company. Lonely sucks.
Damn! She was butt-ass nakey! My wolf growls at the thought of her being seen by someone else.
Then she had to f*cken say she gave her first kiss away. That f*cken hurts man. That was a blow I wasn't expecting.
It should have been mine but she doesn't know to wait for me. How could she f*cken know anything with her father being the d**k he is? She doesn't know she's mine or I've always been hers from the moment our eyes met, she owned me blood and soul.
And that mother f*ck still calls me boy like I'm not getting closer to the thirties. The way he talks down to me. Uggggh!!!! my thoughts are just everywhere. Not in one place, but many. I'm a resentful man. I've been through hell and back for the woman upstairs. I'm never going to be the same. I'm dark where I used to be light. I'm eaten up with anger and hatred. None of it for Lilly, though she's my sweet innocent princess, how could she be blamed for any of this sh*t?
I finish my beer, trash it and decide she's probably passed out by now. So I take a fast shower before I head upstairs and check on her. I want to get the smell of Heather off me. The thought of being with my mate with another woman's scent doesn't sit well with me. Rubs me all the wrong ways. Not that Heather's scent stinks, but my mate would feel more comfortable, and therefore so shall I. I quietly entered the room. Nervous, I will disturb her rest or we would wind up in another miscommunicated conversation I would like to avoid for tonight.
All her scents immediately engulf me like getting hit by an oncoming wave.
I can smell her sadness. Her tears. She shouldn't even have a broken heart over some random dude. I'm gonna be her forever. Her one and only. I just want to tell her for her to know. To think she was with another dude and I don't know how serious they were, of course, has me on edge. What if she had fallen in love with him? What would our chances have been then?
She's sleeping peacefully just like the princess she is.
Just older and almost completely mine and clueless to the very thought.
I can't help but wonder if she would be comfortable around me if she knew?
Would she still consider me a friend?
Does she have any feelings for me at all?
What if she's disgusted like I was two hours ago at the whole situation and age difference?
I don't want to have feelings for a child. For an adolescent.
Today I felt more than I wanted to for her for the first time and it just grossed me out. It repulsed me. I knew this day would come. It's just hoped for later.
For some fucken reason or another, I was hoping I'd never develop that kind of feeling for her, being she's so much younger than me.
The Moon Goddess paired us though. Her bond is beyond severing. I'm just gonna have to accept she's mine. That's all it is to it. Nothing will change that fact either. Not without rejection. One look upon her eyes and I knew I could never reject my mate.
I could never hurt her. Not intentionally anyway.
Her eyes flutter open. We stare into each other's eyes for what seems like a whole three minutes. It's a comfortable silence.
I shouldn't, but I made the decision that, since she sleeps in our bed tonight I should too. She hasn't a clue her father gave us this house. When I when Josh the title is officially ours. He will consent to our being mates thus house will be ours this room was made for us. I've never even been here.
Locked in silent eye contact, I walk around and lift her up, scooting her as close to my body as I can get her, then cover us up. I take in her scent that draws me to her like an arrow to a compass. She's my f*cken favorite scent. I could be near her all day every day just to smell her. The hum that flows through my body as we cuddle is addictive and alluring. I don't want to ever let go of this feeling, but after tonight we will have to distance ourselves. I will not lust for her until she is ready.
My wolf purrs at the contact. My whole body's numb and tingly. I'm, for the first time in years, actually content.
It feels good to for once not have to worry about her. She will sleep safely in my arms at least for one night.
If it's all I ever get it would kill me, but I will cherish tonight just to have her close to me.
I finally went to sleep, the happiest I've been since I don't remember.
- Writer
