Wild Heart

Chapter Two: Lys

I woke up in the hospital feeling totally fine.

"Oh, that's not a good sign..." I muttered, wondering how many drugs they were pumping into me and trying to sit up.

"Just take it easy," I heard Grandma say, but she sounded weird.

I looked over and saw the outline of her. She was sitting in a chair at the end of my bed. There was a faint light over my head, but it was dark in the rest of the room and it smelled like hospital; sterile and like dettol, with beeps and noises all over the place, grinding on my patience. You'd think, for the amount of times I'd been in the hospital the last five years, that I'd be used to it.

"Grandma? Where's Mum?" I asked, easing myself up gently. The lack of casts on my arms and legs was a good sign, but tubes were sticking into my hand.

Grandma got up, more agile and way stronger than I'd be at her age, that was for damn sure. Damn lycanthus...

"There was an accident, baby girl," Grandma said, coming towards me slowly.

"I know, I remember the car Grandma..." I stopped, seeing tears in her eyes as she came into the faint light. "Grandma, I'm okay, little battered, but I'm okay." I laughed self-consciously; Grandma didn't cry, especially when I was an i***t.

Grandma shook her head and I could see she was fighting back tears. The sight made my heart race and panic waited at the side of my mind, ready to flood in at the slightest provocation. I'd never seen her cry in the almost thirteen years I'd known her. She'd been a force of will, strong and steadfast, ready to chastise us at a moment's notice or love us unconditionally. She was quick to laughter, but wouldn't put up with anyone's s**t, especially her grandchildren – blood or foster.

I reached for her. "Grandma, what is it?"

She took my hand as she sat on the bed next to me. A sob escaped her and I threw my arms around her, heedless of the bloody tubes. Even after all these years, as the panic flooded in, my first thought was that something had happened to Nico. My heart raced as I imagined the worst possible thing happening.

"Ben..." she choked out and I felt like my heart had stopped.

"Dad, what?" I forced out, barely a whisper. I'd thought something happening to Nico would be the worst thing? The worst conceivable thing maybe...

"He's gone, baby girl," she sobbed, then seemed to pull herself together like someone would see her.

There was a noise and I looked up to see Mum walking through the door shakily, her hand on the wall as though to steady herself. I twisted to go to her, but got caught up in tubes and Grandma's firm hand held me back.

"Mum?"

I couldn't – wouldn't – believe anything until I heard it from Mum's mouth. But, the look on her face told me more than words ever could. She was pale and her eyes unfocussed. She fell into a chair at the side of my bed and just shook silently.

I felt like that car was hitting me all over again. I'd only felt loss like that once in my life and I'd told myself I wasn't going to feel it again. Because, the people I loved couldn't be killed; they were magical, unmoveable, eternal, invincible. Sure, they could leave, Nico and Uncle Sam were proof of that. But, Ben would never leave me. I'd known that. It had been an unshakeable fact; like the sky was blue, my dad would always be there for me.

So, how was he gone now?

I realised I was shaking my head and I collapsed into Grandma's arms, the tears running freely. I felt little physical pain, the morphine saw to that, but inside I was breaking and I didn't know if I could ever be put back together again.

Two of the most important people in my life had just up and left, with no warning and no goodbyes. I'd survived my heartbreak the first time, but I didn't think I had the strength to survive it this time.

But, I had to; Mum needed me.

I knew very little about lycanthus mates, but there was something special about them – losing them was like losing a limb or something. If I was broken, Mum would be even more so and she'd need me. We might not have been the closest mother and daughter, but I loved her so much and I knew the feeling was mutual.

I wiped my eyes and took deep breaths – crying was making the heart rate monitor go crazy – and gently pulled away from Grandma. She gave me a proud nod, encouraging me, and I took another deep breath.

"What can I do?"

****

I'd done all the preparations, I'd taken charge as Mum walked about almost numb for five days. Everyone was here. Well, almost everyone, but I wasn't thinking about that. The funeral was over, Ben's body was gone, and now the celebration was beginning.

Lycanthus deal with death in their own way; you get to be sad until the body's in the ground or burnt, then you're only allowed to celebrate the life, be happy for the time you had, and hope they're having a great time in the afterlife.

So, that's where we were. The celebration part. Only, I didn't feel like celebrating yet.

I was in my room – no longer pink with daisies, but maroon and grey with wolves and moons – and trying to pull myself together. I was supposed to change from my dreary, black funeral clothes to something fun and happy. But, I didn't feel fun and happy. I still wanted to grieve. I told myself I could, because I was different, I wasn't like them. I was human and could grieve as I wanted. But deep down, I knew what Ben would say about that.

"You belong, baby girl, even if you're different. You're special and we all love you. Don't be sad, be happy. The way you made me happy. Remember, it's the miles we put in that make us who we are. Let my life add to who you are, but don't let my death define you," he'd say, much like the pep talk he'd given me after Nico had left.

I shook off my melancholy and took out the yellow dress I'd chosen for that night. It was strapless, tight around the torso and had a flared skirt. Ben always said I reminded him of sunshine in that dress, and he told me I was his sunshine, that, without me and Mum, his life would be nothing but grey. Because, Ben said, life with the people you loved was always sunny, and life without them was not. Simple as that.

Well, my life was certainly no longer sunny. But, I'd do my duty, I'd play the role I was expected to play in a world that was the only one I knew but where I didn't really belong, even if I was loved.

My phone buzzed and I saw a new message.

Brett: Hope you're doing okay. I'm always here to talk J

"Who's that?" I heard Stacey's voice and looked up with a smile.

"Brett," I answered, showing her the phone.

She gave me a knowing smirk.

Brett was a guy in our year at school, human and perfectly nice, really. We'd been tiptoeing around the whole dating idea for a while after a few hook ups. Well, I was tiptoeing, Brett was like a finely tuned nuke and his target was locked. But, there was no real pressure, even if I knew exactly what he wanted.

"I don't want to hear it. Not today," I told her sternly, but I smiled at my best friend.

She grinned. "All right, not today." She held up her hands and shook her head.

"You look nice," I said, nodding at her bright red dress with little white flowers. "Hoping someone will notice?"

She swished her skirt, a shy smile creeping over her face. "No, I just like it."

I nodded. "Sure, and he's not going to wolf out, full moon or not, after seeing you in that dress," I laughed; it was well known that Derrick had a thing for Stacey in red, a thing Stacey was finally trying to use to her advantage. And, she thought my whole issue with Brett was taking forever; Derrick had been eyeing Stacey for a couple of years.

"There's nothing between me and Derrick, Lys," she answered, but she blushed and I knew better.

I still didn't know much about this mates business – it was never going to matter to me as someone who would never be a wolf's mate, so I didn't bother to ask more – but, even I'd heard the talk about Stacey potentially being Derrick's mate. She hadn't seemed keen on the idea until a few months ago when I saw she'd started returning his covert interest, albeit shyly. I was finding the whole process interesting, enjoying the idea that I could be watching my best friend find a love the likes of which I could never hope to find.

"You look nice, too," Stacey said, obviously trying to shift focus from her. "You going to see Brett in that dress?"

I laughed, but I allowed the reference, knowing she was projecting and Derrick was the only thing that made her squirm. "No, I don't think I will."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate it. You always look amazingly beautiful in that dress, Lyssa." Her voice had a note of sadness in it and I crossed the floor to hug her, knowing she was thinking of Ben, too.

Stacey wrapped her arms around me, and I felt like a child again with her a whole bloody head taller than me. You remember I said I'd had to watch them all grow taller? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who stopped growing at fourteen or so. Even Mum had grown in her years of being lycanthus. Though, that was the only change in her.

Stupid immortality.

Stacey laughed and hugged me tighter. "We're not really immortal, hun."

I didn't even care I'd spoken aloud without realising. I was angry and upset that my world wasn't the way it was supposed to be, that things weren't going the way they were supposed to.

"You're supposed to be," I grumbled.

"We've mourned other lycanthus together, it shouldn't be a surprise. You know we can die, Lys. It just...it just takes a bit."

"But, they weren't mine, Stace," I answered. "My werewolves aren't supposed to die."

She didn't even jokingly chastise me for calling them werewolves and I knew how wrong it was; but their annoyance amused me. "I'm sure he's okay," she whispered and I pulled away abruptly, wiping my eyes and trying not to smudge my makeup.

Not answering, I went to my wardrobe and pulled out my tallest wedges; lycanthus more often than not ran around bare foot, but the short arse among them always at least started off compensating for her height.

We weren't going to talk about Brett and we sure as hell weren't going to talk about him.

"I'm sorry, Lys, I know you don't like talking about him. But, I figured today, of all days, you could do with a reminder he's okay," Stacey said quietly and I knew she was trying to soothe me, to plead with me, and to apologise for everything. Not that it was her job.

"What does it matter to me?" I asked a little more harshly than I should have, but I knew she'd forgive me. "I don't care."

"'Course not," Stacey answered softly, and I knew she wouldn't mention Nico again.

"Lys, baby?" Mum called.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Can you come here a second, please?"

I wiped my eyes again and got Stacey to check my face. She gently wiped under my eye, kissed my cheek and nodded. I took her hand and we went to Mum's room.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Oh, hi, Stace, honey," Mum said, looking flushed and flustered. Her grief seemed less acute, but I knew she was still hurting. "Which one, my girls?" she asked, holding up two dresses.

We both pointed to the blue one that had been one of Ben's favourites on her. She held it up and looked it over, smiling fondly like she was reliving a lifetime of memories. Finally, she nodded and got changed, talking as she did.

"Okay, so, food and drink is ready. The boys have the bonfire going. Have we forgotten anything?"

"No, Mum," I answered.

"Lys has everything under control, Emily," Stacey said, helping Mum with her zip.

"No, no, of course she does. Our Lys wouldn't forget anything," Mum said softly as though she heard Ben's voice reminding her.

My eyes felt hot and I looked to the ceiling in the hopes I could stem the tears. I could already feel the headache coming on from trying to suppress them and I wasn't looking forward to how I was going to go the rest of the night. But, I wasn't supposed to cry anymore. I was supposed to be happy now.

"Here, baby," Mum said and I looked up to find her holding out the chain Ben always wore around his neck. "He would have wanted you to have this."

The chain was thin and silver, with a full moon made out of pearl suspended within the links. It was a pack thing; each lycanthus in his pack, his family, had one and it was the only thing they never took off, even to shift. Everyone had one, but me, until now.

I sniffed and had to laugh or I would have cried again. "Around my wrist?" I suggested, holding my arm out; the chain would be too long for my neck.

Mum nodded and wrapped it around my wrist four times before closing the clasp. I'm sure it was my imagination, but the chain still felt warm like Ben had only just taken it off. I lifted it to my nose and was sure it smelled like him; warmth and comfort and that spicy scent seemed to curl around me just like Ben's arms should have.

"Oh, I love you, Dad," I whispered, pressing a kiss to the moon and breathing back the tears.

Mum, Stacey and I shared a shaky laugh, and I was glad the wolves weren't quite as unaffected as I'd assumed they would be.

I smoothed my dress self-consciously and shook out my curls. "I'd best go and check on everything," I said.

Mum took my hands. "Lys, I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it?" I asked, not sure if I should be worried about her tone.

"It's just...well, baby-"

"Girls, come on!" Grandma yelled and I heard the front door close.

"What, Mum?" I pressed.

Grandma appeared at the door. "Come on, that can wait for now."

I looked between them, but Mum just shrugged and walked out.

"Lys, the boys wanted to ask you where you wanted the tables." Grandma ushered me out and I forgot all about Mum's unfinished sentence as I got caught up in final preparations for the party, then the party itself.

I drank too much and I threw myself into the dancing. It wasn't a full moon night, so everyone was still dancing well after the moon rose. I was never as good as the others – I lacked the intrinsic instinct of the wolves – but I didn't care, especially as drunk as I was that night.

Mark was keeping me close, a hand always on me; either in mine or on my waist, the small of my back or across my stomach. Our bodies moved together to the music about as seamlessly as they ever did. He whispered things in my ear that weren't appropriate to repeat and made me laugh because I knew he wouldn't really ever follow through on them; it was never outright stated, but I knew I wasn't supposed to date the wolves.

As we spun around the bonfire with everyone else, I felt a tingle run across my skin that had nothing to do with Mark's hands on me. I turned and stopped as though I'd run into someone, but there was no one there. My eyes looked for something before I'd even registered I'd stopped. So, they found what they were looking for well before I'd even realised I was looking for something.

I saw him and it was like time slowed.

He'd barely changed, but he was bigger – taller, more muscular, more imposing – than he'd been five years ago. He looked harder, angrier. Gone was the open, loving boy I'd known and mourned. He wore jeans and a leather jacket, his dark hair longer than it had been when I'd seen him last. Oddly, I'd never thought of lycanthus as animals, but there was something inherently wild about him now, something in the way he held himself and looked around, something that sent a shiver up my spine. But it wasn't fear – like it should have been, God, should it have been – it was something else, something I didn't want to feel, especially not that day.

He looked at me and my body instinctively took a couple of steps forward, ready to run into his arms as I always had. But, I couldn't forget the fact he'd left. I couldn't forget that he'd abandoned me. He'd left without even waving goodbye and I hadn't heard from him since. Nothing. No phone calls, emails, letters. I would have taken a freaking smoke signal. Not even Ben or Mum had given me much news about him.

Mark called my name, but he sounded miles away.

My hand fluttered over my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick. Instead of running towards him, I shook my head and went right, heading to the trees for comfort, for distance, and for solitude. I felt tears burning my eyes and I tried hard not to let them fall. I told myself I was missing Ben, but I knew I just couldn't deal with seeing him like that; so similar but unfamiliar. My protector was gone and, in his place, was someone I didn't recognise.

For the first time in my life, I ran away from Nico Renaud, and, I could tell by the look on his face, that he'd noticed. And, he didn't like it. So, I shouldn't have been surprised when he was suddenly standing in front of me as I ran through the trees, his face like thunder. Those beautiful pale brown eyes were hard as stone.

I pulled up short, stumbling but keeping my balance and holding the tears back. It was easier if I reminded myself how angry I was with him. My pain and sadness when it came to Nico had long since left me with nothing more than anger. Anger that he'd gone, that he'd created a hole in my life that I'd always felt more keenly than I wanted to.

We stared at each other for what felt like forever. Although, forever these days was a hell of a lot longer than it had been when I was five.

He breathed hard and I felt the urge to say something snarky to the boy who was always much more fit than I would ever be no matter how hard I trained. What the rest of them did effortlessly, I had to work for, and I did. Stacey still sparred with me – although, she took it easier on me since she accidentally broke my arm that time... I couldn't help but think of that and how I wouldn't have ended up in the hospital if the boy- no, man, in front of me hadn't just up and left. He'd promised he'd always be there, and, then suddenly he wasn't. But, I still lived my life like he would be. The stark reality hit that I'd been just as reckless because a part of me believed that Nico would just appear; that if I was stupid, he'd just magically be there to save me. But, he hadn't been.

I took a step backward as I realised just how stupid I'd been and he took a step forward.

Something very unlike fear shot through me.

I'd been waiting for my Nico to come back, but this wasn't my Nico. This was a guy in Nico's body who I didn't know. But, something about him seemed familiar, even if I didn't recognise him. I didn't think I liked it, but then why did I have the nigh irresistible urge to run to him the way I always had?

Although, not quite the same way I always had...

Nico was watching me with an interest I recognised well on his features, but there was no humour in it, he almost seemed more annoyed by it than anything.

I'd imagined this moment for years and this was not how I'd envisioned it. We were supposed to be happy to see each other, we were supposed to hug and he'd swing me around like he used to. We'd laugh and the years would have melted away. He would have given me his wide smile and I would have forgiven him everything.

But, none of that happened.

I couldn't forgive him, not when he looked at me like that. Not when he looked at me like he didn't know who I was anymore. But, I wasn't the one who'd changed. I was still just Alyssa, the same boring human I'd been when he'd left.

Wasn't I?