The Space Between

The Beginning Have you ever considered that space of time between asleep and awake before? How about this, have you ever gone in for surgery? There’s that space of time right when they push the drugs into your IV line, the drugs meant to lull you to sleep so you feel no pain. Maybe you watch the drips from the bag hanging there, or you watch that plunger go down, and then panic fills you, but it’s too late. And we trust that process. We trust that nothing will happen to us, that we will wake up again, perhaps even with whatever was wrong now being fixed. What we don’t know is what will happen to us during that time, that space of time between awake and asleep, conscious, and unconscious. We don’t want to imagine what liberties may be taken while we are vulnerable.  It seems like an oddly insignificant space of time, but I’ve discovered that’s the space where demons live. I’m not quite sure where I am. Or even who I am at this point. Maybe I’m a monster. Maybe I’m innocent. What I do know, what I just discovered, is that when they push those meds in me, I’m free. I disappear. I can walk out of this place a whole person. I find him. I don’t know him, at least, I don’t think I do. But the first time I walked through the ether and stepped out of the dark in that corner; his presence was the first I felt. I remember it was dark, but lights were flashing and music was thumping. My eyes had closed and all I could feel was the beat of the music against my skin. From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head. It had been a long time since I’d felt anything that wasn’t sterile and medical. Since I’d heard music. I let it explode over me. Goosebumps covered my skin. My eyes were closed but I could still see the flashing lights behind them. Colors all around me from lights that weren’t searing and white. That’s when I felt him. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s because I wasn’t actually there, this wasn’t my actual body, but I was surprised to feel his body heat behind me. I didn’t turn around, but I could tell his body was big. Of course, I really don’t know how I compare to normal women. Or if I am a normal woman. I’ve forgotten… But he wrapped his body close to mine, and I could tell he had to lean over to speak into my ear. His scent was like nothing I remembered smelling. It wasn’t sterile. It didn’t smell like gauze and medicine. It was earthy and deep. It smelled like nighttime and promises.  Like freedom. “I don’t remember letting you through the door.” Something in my ethereal body knew his voice. I have no idea what silk feels like, but now I know what it sounds like. His breath fanned against my cheek. It was the most human contact I can remember having for a long time. I leaned back into him and could tell he was surprised by my move. My head fit in the hollow of his shoulder. I started swaying my body back and forth, finally letting the beat of the music consume me. My eyes still had not opened. If I opened them, I was afraid I would actually wake up. When I started moving, his lower body joined his top half in touching me. His hands were on my hips then and I felt every finger pressing into my skin. The shirt I wore was a crop top, it was the last shirt I remembered wearing, and it didn’t take long for his hands to touch my bare skin. Right now, I’m afraid I’m going to wake up, that the drugs that hold me in this space will wear off. That I’ll lose this contact with him. I place my hands on his, craving this skin-to-skin contact. His hands are much larger than mine. The one he runs across the bare skin of my stomach nearly covers it entirely. He keeps one hand on my hip while the other runs up my torso so slowly, like the most delicious torture.  And I know torture. “Now is your chance to tell me to stop.” Stop him? Why would I stop him? Soon enough I will wake up. His arm tightens around me, and I can feel him, large and hard against my back. My answer was to push back against him more. Sway my hips more. Let the music overtake me. What did I have to lose at this point? I have nothing. I am nothing. Four white, sterile walls and a locked door I can’t get through wait for me. Already, on this plane, in this place, I have more.  I have him. My hand is still on top of his as he finally reaches my breast, my n****e already hard and aching. I have no bra on, I don’t remember the last time I wore one, so why would I now? His intake of breath must be in surprise, but I really don’t know. My hand squeezes his, to let him know I wanted his touch. The hand he had on my breast caressed me, teasing my n****e and a moan escaped my lips, the first and only sound I uttered. “What is your name?” His mouth is still by my ear, so I can hear him over the beat of the music. My heart now pounds to the same beat. I can’t remember the last time my heart raced naturally and not by artificial means. They’d wanted to know what happened to my body when my heart rate went up. What the drugs they fed me actually did. I’d almost forgotten about his other hand until he moved it down, over my navel, and he reached the top of my jeans. His fingers had no trouble unbuttoning them. These jeans rode low on my hips and his hands were large, so it didn’t take long for him to cup my s*x. “Tell me your name so I can f**k you.”  I didn’t speak my name, though I wish I had. I was afraid if I opened my mouth and uttered something that I would wake up sooner. I didn’t want this to end. My hands begged his for more. I wanted his warmth wrapped all around me. I needed his strength. I needed it to get through my reality. His finger slipped through the folds of my s*x and my hand gripped his wrist. I had no reason to feel embarrassment or shame at what he was doing. All I could feel was the pleasure spreading through my body. Pleasure instead of pain. My hips tilted back farther, and his arms tightened around me more. The hand I held on to my breast was kneading me, my n****e so hard it had to be cutting his palm. His lips were on my neck then, his tongue licking my skin and I pressed down on the hand he held between my legs. A second finger joined the first one and they were both inside me and my lips parted as a soundless gasp escaped.  “God, please tell me your name.” I felt it then, I felt myself losing hold of this ethereal body. That meant I was waking up and, for the first time, I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here, with this man wrapped around me. I wanted to tell him my name, but now there was no sound coming out. I had to get away before I faded out, but I was weak in his arms. “Brendan! Hey Brendan! You back there?” I heard someone yell. The man behind me cursed. “Please don’t leave this club until I find you again.” When he removed his hands from me and stepped away, it saddened me more than any supposed treatment I’d ever received. But I had to get away, before I faded away. I remember moving, but it was like I had to push through the air. I turned a corner and hoped I was out of his sight before I faded away and woke up.