Life

Dear diary, I wanted to start writing in you to put some of thoughts of the day and the crazy moments that happen in my life on a daily basis. First of all of any actually reads this some day I should probably give you a small background about me. My name is Emily and I live in Ireland but traveled a lot as a child. I’m writing this at the young age of 21. And I will probably share more through different moments as they happen, that’s what I do give small snippet of my life on the moment never before and always to teach someone a lesson of life. Yes I know I’m only 21 but you could say I’ve had at least lived a full life twice over with certain situations I’ve got myself into since I was a small child, but that’s what I do I never share my past with anyone unless it’s a scenario that can help someone. This means by me writing in you, you get to know me. You will be the first to ever hear my whole story. Now to begin my day, If I wasn’t homeless right now, I’d be in bed all day watching Netflix and eating ice cream right now. That’s not normal right? When your going through a break up?right? Well that’s not the case I have to keep moving forward, life is pretty messed up. Although life shows you how you must deal with it every second of the day. Hopefully one day things turn out good but for now here is my life;I have a lot ups and downs, more Downs’s then ups in my lifetime and I’m only 21. It’s very clichè buts it’s the facts. It all started when I was little girl, the fear as a young was severely abnormal but you will get to realize I never had normal life. That’s probably the one thing that makes me jealous of people, seeing them have normal life, normal fights and families. Now I’m not saying that everyone’s has perfect rich green grass lives, all I’m saying it’s totally normal to have a bad day or a fight with someone but my mine are a lot more deeper. Actually so deep it, that it hurts everyday and makes me so insecure with in myself. When you grow up knowing your only wanted when people need you it really truly hurts all the time. There is always something around me that is a reminder of my past, flash backs happening constantly that I had years of therapy to block out. That’s proud what keeps me up as night the most, looking at someone on the street who can scare me half to death or even a smell that can bring back a horrible childhood memory. You see must people with smell something and smile kindly and say something like that brings back memories but for me I wince at it. I did go to years of therapy to block it but it’s always too good to be true though, nothing ever truly leaves your mind or memory.No matter what you do in life, it will always be there. Here’s a snippet of my past and then you will understand. As I said it started at young age, I was like a 21st century slave from my mother since I was super young, but if I didn’t do it her way or if she was in a bad mood I’d get a very bad unmerciful beaten or she would get someone else to hit including my dad with sweeping brushes, wooden spoons, pool cues, fists, belts. I had to the laundry and clean the house. At the tender age of four I’ve been told I could teach people the difference of colour washes, blacks and whites. I was always cleaning but yet if I did it wrong like cleaning a toilet after I have a good beaten I’d would be told to do it again until oh was spotless My body constantly aches, had bruises and stratches on my body. It was so bad when I got signed into care it’s on recorded that I would have been beaten to death. While this was going I had a babysitter Mike who constantly was touching me and feeling me up until one day when I was only 6 he started sexually assaulting me for over four years of my life I dealt with it and he wasn’t t even that much older than me and he was like a son to my mother, so no matter what I did she wouldn’t listen even when he got out on register after a series of court cases about the assaults and found him guilty as I had to go to hospital and do a r**e kit and everything which it was worse end of what he was doing then I had to deal with someone else feeling me down there was traumatizing. She wouldn’t believe me until it came out about my sisters being assault, which was hard but then I thought we could finally talk and start being a family but then my sister Tori came along and denied it all even though we talked about with a judge, judge Fitzgerald to be exact about everything that happened and how she also begged him to never let her back home. After writing the little piece above a lot more s**t happened in the space of 30 mins; I walked into my sister frantically waving at me, and then she proceeded to wrap her arms around me crying uncontrollably. After a few minutes, she told me that mam had also kicked her out. Which made me quickly realize that even thou I’m heartbroken and a complete mess I had to keep my sister warm and safe. This changed my priorities rapidly as I had just admitted to giving up on life completely. I was fed up trying to survive for nothing, like literally there is no reason at this moment that says you need to stay alive and fight. Before I had something fight for, now I’ve nothing at all. No family, no boyfriend, just simply no life. Tori changed that for the night that she went missing, I made sure she had a bed, clothes, food and water. The essentials, I have found my reason to live again, but then J was right I should focus on me but I have come realize I only stay alive to help others that’s who I am. Helping Tori give me time to help myself, somehow I got thinking for somewhere to stay the night and get food and also keep her calm. This distracted me into living again. No one can ever tell you the feeling of not wanting to live. We all have it differently, for me I’m numb to the feeling of knowing I’ve no will left to survive. I’m on my own, I have tried everything at this stage and I’m all out of ideas. I’m mentally and physically drained.