My Roots will keep me warm.

I am convinced that I am having an emotional whiplash. My life has been a roller coaster ride the last few months. I feel like I'm residing in a circus and I am the clown. I don't know who to trust and assumptions were made, doubts running through my veins lodging itself in the deepest part of my heart. Now I am depressed with unvoiced thoughts and drowning myself in my nsecurities. I wished I was different, I wish that I was better. But I am unfortunately ... me. I watched as my younger cousins danced about in my grandmama's back yard. Their innocence is refreshing. I envy their youth. So naive, such innocence I wished I held onto. I remember the days that my cousins and I would go on various adventures. We were happy then but we were deceived by life's harsh reality, adulthood. Now they all have families, Jobs and important things to take care of. " Wat yuh looking at?" I could recognize Grandmama thick Caribbean accent anywhere. I had lost mine over a decade ago. I didn't answer I just looked at her. She was quite beautiful in her floral dress. Her caramel skin glistened in the sun. she didn't look at day over 20. I smiled, I admit I had inherited her genes unfortunately that was all I got. " you can go and sort through your mothers things," she said. I nodded. No my mother isn't dead. she's very happy and married. she's together with a younger guy. he treated her like a queen and I am in all honesty grateful for that. A love returned is like a diamond these days. It's sad but I never understood her. she had me pretty young thus she had to grow up mentally before she was ready. Back then it wasn't unusual but I couldn't imagine myself going through that. Growing up I had withdrawn from her. She was a child raisimh a child and I realized from early that that meant I needed more mature guidance hence I ran to my grandparents. I walked to living room to sort through her old stuff when I found a old book. I smiled a little because I could recognize my mother's writing anywhere.