THE SIN BEHIND THE VEIL

They call is sanctuary,but sanctuary implies that you came here seeking refuge. I had not sought God.All I ever wished for was to express who I was without it being considered a disease that would ruin my family's reputation.But then I asked myself..when will they ever accept me as I am..is this what parental love mean?is their reputation more important than how I actually feel?Do they even love me?These question kept on lingering in my mind as we approached the heavy wrought iron gates of saint Aurelius. My mother looked at me with eyes that were trying to reassure me that everything would be fine and that this was the right path and as parents they knew what was best for me.All I could see was the gates of hell.I felt like I was being imprisoned in a polite way. "Do you think this is fair?why would you do this to someone you love simply because they were being themselves? Ain't you the ones who taught us to always be us.Are you not the ones who taught us self awareness as an important metacognitive skill?" I asked myself as we waited for the gates to be opened.The sound of the metal gates being opened sounded like someone was hammering nails into my casket. However, I didn't freak-out. In fact, something cold and sharp began to settle into my chest and helped to calm my racing heart. As long as this was going to be my prison, then I had better learn how to get out of it. I studied each detail of the large iron doors. This was my one chance to learn about what would keep me from escaping. The walls of the area were massive. Made of rough, irregularly cut stone. Heavy vines of ivy crept along the top of the walls, but there seemed little chance they could support my weight. I focused on the single swinging lantern hanging over the archway. It cast a faint yellow glow through an otherwise total darkness,creating an almost impenetrable blackness along the north wall. An area without illumination. My eyes returned to the woman unlocking the gate. I observed her hand movements. Focusing on how her knuckle blanched as she grasped the very large iron key. She turned the key two complete rotations to the right. When she finished turning the key, the lock gave a heavy, deadening "thud" which reverberated within my chest. Double bolted. Therefore, if I wanted to escape, I was going to have to obtain that key. As we moved further into the darkness, my fathers hand continued to rest upon my shoulders. He urged me forward toward the shadows. I lowered my head, allowing them to believe I was a shell of myself. Broken. Defeated. Submissive. Beneath the surface of my stillness, however, my mind was runnings a lot mile a minute. Documenting every shadow, every hinge and every rotation of the key. They were sealing me in Hell. But I had begun building my escape route. From inside,Saint Aurelius didnt look like a place where people came to find peace.It looked like a place where people came to disappear. it had a tall building made of gray stones that darkened with age and above it was the bell tower that I assumed was to be my alarm every damn morning .There was nothing colorful,nothing welcoming.Everything was screaming" leave". My stomach tightened and i held my mother's hand tightly.Celeste being the calm mother she was,looked at me and gave me a warm smile like everything would be fine."So this is punishment" I murmured.My dad heard this and I could see his Jaws tightening.He finally spoke and said.."This is an opportunity to redeem yourself from whatever you have going on with you...the demons in you are not those which I can argue with as I do with my fellow politicians".My heart shuttered.How could he name it 'demons'?How could he insinuate that being myself meant that I was possesed.As a person who grew up knowing that whatever he said was final and my opinions were not valid,I nodded."Mara,you will follow their rules,all their rules.I don't want to hear any case or instance of disobedience..Sister Valera here will explain to you what is expected of you."My dad said while handing me over to the sister like I was some piece of commodity that had just been bought at a throw away price ."The Ellis have spent decades building a reputation that I will not watch going to shambles"My dad whispered as they left.The woman in front of me wore a black veil with her hands behind her back.Her eyes were Gray in color.She was tall and had another sister beside her . I asked her again who she was and she replied, " you know". The sister beside her reached out for my bag and I told her that it's okay I could carry it . Sister Valerie said, "yes you can" "but you wont" Two sentences When I asked her why, she replied "because you're going to learn that you don't decide anything here" I was shocked. I followed her quietly as the sister carried my bag. She led me to where I assumed was going to be my next place of residence. On the hallway I saw pictures of many sisters and I asked her who they were and she replied, "They were sisters who came before me" I then asked her where they are now and if they ever leave . She stood for a moment and I noticed a change in expression.Not fear, not anger, just something small.When we arrived at the door she reintroduced herself " My name is Valerie Cain, I'm the head of sisters" I then asked her what exactly I was supposed to do here .She glanced at me and fixed her eyes on me for a minute and said, " you will learn" I asked her " learn what" she said, "that depends on what you came here to learn" I told her that I didn't know. I told her that my parent never really gave me the chance to understand why I was actually here.She looked at me and said "The Ellis family is a recognizable family in this convent and they will not bring you here without explaining to you exactly why you are here" Before I could say another word the bell rung .She quickly took to her heels as if it was God himself calling her to go for their scheduled prayers.But why would I say 'their'when soon enough it will be something that I myself will be involved in. The bell rang a second time,third time,I didn't know it yet but the fourth ring was the one that would change my life.