Rose-Colored Metamorphoses

CHAPTER 7

"Xavier-kun, teach me na kasiii..." pangungulit sa akin ni Akiara. Nakatabi na naman siya sa akin ngayon at nanonood sa pagso-solve ko ng isang physics problem na assignment namin.

Mag-iilang linggo na niya akong kinukulit. Sunod ng sunod, lagi akong dinadaldal at kasabay ko palagi kumain. I'm always my usual self. Cold, minsan wala sa tamang huwisyo, tahimik. Bihirang-bihira niya akong marinig na nagsasalita. But she still sticks around.

"Xavier-kun..." tawag ni Akiara bago hinila ang manggas ng polo kong suot. Hinubad ko muna ang coat ko dahil nabasa iyon ng ulan kanina pagpasok ko.

"Magpaturo ka kay Lance. Stop bugging me," pagtataboy ko sa kanya.

"But Lance-kun is not good in maths! Please Xavier-kun, teach me! Promise I'll treat you lunch!" sabi niya sa akin bago parang asong nagpa-cute sa harapan ko.

Iniiwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. Ayoko ngang bumuo ng personal relationships, 'di ba? Being cold is one of my ways to push people away from my life. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na may iba akong nararamdaman kapag nakakasama ko si Akiara. I don't want to think it's love, because whenever I start to think about love I imagine how suffocating and exhausting it is. That's why I try push her away.

Pero si Akiara ay isang babaeng pinaglihi ata sa sirang plaka. Kahit na anong tindi ng hindi ko pagpansin sa kanya, hindi pa rin siya sumusuko sa pagkausap at pagsama sa akin ng paulit-ulit.

"Stop showing me your cute-ass version of saying please, Akiara. That's not going to work on me," I said as I continue working my way to solve the physics problem.

"Hmph!" sabi niya bago tumingin sa ibang direksyon. She crossed her arms and pouted as if nagtatampo siya.

"Tsk, amaenbou," bulong ko.

(Trans.: amaenbou is an endearment term for someone who relies on others too much)

Simula noong dumikit sa akin si Akiara, medyo natuto ako ng mga short Japanese words mula sa kanya at sa kapatid niya.

Marahas siyang napalingon sa akin. Nanlalaki ang mga mata at napanganga siya sa sinabi ko.

"Woah, how dare you! Xavier-kun baka!" sabi niya bago tumalikod sa akin.

( Trans.: Baka means idiot)

I softly laughed. Tss, parang bata talaga.

"Tawa-tawa ka pa d'yan. Kala mo ikina-pogi mo 'yan?"

"Whatever," sabi ko bago ko siya inismiran.

Mabilis kong tinapos ang assignment namin. Pagkatapos ay inilapag ko iyon sa lamesa niya.

"Ayan na, kopyahin mo na," sabi ko bago ko binitawan ang papel. Naka-cross-arms pa rin siya at kunyari ay nagtatampo.

"Drama mo, Matsubara."

"I hate you."

"So ayaw mo ng libreng kopya?"

Dahan-dahan siyang lumingon pero magkasalubong pa rin ang kilay niya."Tss, sige na nga." Kinuha niya ang papel niya at nag-umpisang kopyahin ang sagot ko. Hindi siya dumadaldal kagaya ng dati niyang ginagawa. Mukha pa rin siyang galit.

I poked her waist. "Uy,Akiara. Galit ka?"

Hindi siya sumagot.

"Aki~"

Hindi pa rin siya sumasagot.

"Lah,galit na 'yan."

"Hindi ako galit," sagot niya na medyo inis ang boses.

"Weeh, galit ka eh." Mas lalo ko pang sinundot-sundot ang tagiliran niya.

"Tumigil ka nga, Xavier! Ang kulit naman, e!"

"Lah, galit siya. Hindi na Xavier-kun tawag niya sa akin. Ayoko na nga," sabi ko bago ako nag-heads down.

"Alam mo, para kang baliw. Lakas-tama ka ba, ha?"

She didn't knew what happened when I was in Grade 9. At mas lalong hindi niya alam na I have SPD. She always say noong mga nakaraang araw na angtahimik ko at parang ayaw kong makihalubilo sa mga tao but the truth is my illness is controlling me and stopping me from being the sociable Xavier I used to be.

"Tsk. Bilisan mo na nga lang magsagot."

That day ended up fast. Hindi ko namalayan na uwian na pala. I've been spacing out since we last talked. Aki just kept on staring at me, thinking if there's something wrong. Dali-dali kong kinuha ang mga gamit at bag ko at mabilis na lumabas ng classroom. Ayoko pang umuwi. I just wanted to clear my head. Thinking that our campus is big enough to explore, I decided to take a walk around. Just me spacing out while taking a walk. So many things have happened on the previous days and now it's filling my head.

Nakapasok na ulit yung nanapak sa akin. Sabi ni Akiara angsama pa rin daw ng tingin sakin. Louise stopped talking to me. But every now and then I always catch her staring on Akiara and me. Mama and Papa haven't made up. Natutulog pa rin si Mama sa guest room. Si Papa naman, palaging nakakulong sa kuwarto nila ni Mama. Sometimes I see him staring on their wedding portrait. Kapag nakikita niya ako, bigla niyang isinasara ang pinto.

Angbilis ng mga pangyayari simula noong dumating si Akiara. Halos hindi ko na namamalayan na lumilipas yung oras kapag dinadaldal niya ako. Kapag lunch, kung dati palagi akong mag-isa, madalas kasabay ko siya at ang kapatid niya o kung minsan naman ay kasama rin si Lance. Kapag uwian, kasabay ko rin siya palagi na maglakad papalabas, only for her to run back inside the campus para magpunta sa campus hospital dahil nandodoon ang kanyang kapatid na si Jiro at ang kanyang ama.

I don't consider her as a close friend. Not really. I don't want to form any close bonds to anyone, I just want to live in solitude. But even though I openly tell her that I don't want her hanging around, palagi pa rin siyang nakadikit sa akin. Sometimes I find myself listening on her stories about her life in Tokyo and how caring his brother Jiro was. Before I knew it, there's something in her na nagiging dahilan para mag-umpisa akong makinig sa kanya.

But I never open up. Never.

I just find it hard to talk. It feels like it consumes my energy and that talking about myself and my life is something that I can't do.

Umupo ako sa isang bakanteng swing at malakas na itinulak iyon. Dinama ko ang hangin na marahang tumatama sa aking mukha at pumikit sa nakakasilaw na liwanag ng araw noong hapon na iyon. I wish I could turn back time, pabalik doon sa oras na maayos pa lahat. I don't want to be like this. I just want to go back to the young, naive Xavier that I used to be. I wish I can explain everything to Akiara, so that it wouldn't be hard for her to understand me.

"Xavier-kun? Bakit hindi ka pa umuuwi? Is everything all right?"

I opened my eyes while I was in mid-air and saw a concerned Akiara standing a few meters away from me. Bitbit niya ang bag niya at ang kanyang coat ay nakasabit sa kanyang braso. Mabilis kong pinahinto ang swing upang makaharap si Akiara. Naglakad siya papalapit sa akin at tumayo sa harapan ko.

"Xavier..."

"I just... want to be alone. I want to..."

"Stay away from people?"

"Yeah," pabulong kong sagot bago ko siya tinignan.

She smiled. "Then I should leave you alone right now."

Akiara turned away but I immediately grabbed her hand. "No... I mean, you don't have to, it's just... I... I don't... I don't know how to explain everything to you... How to explain myself... My personality.... My sh*tty attitude... I—"

She cut me off. "Then I'll listen. No matter where you start or if your story's really messed up, I'll listen, Xavier-kun."

I sighed. She sat on the swing seat beside mine. And then she gently rocked it,slowly, and then she looked at me, like inviting me to do the same. I followed her.

" Do you... Have you... heard about Schizoid Personality Disorder? "

She simply shook her head and stared at me. I rocked the swing seat stronger, creating creaky noises of the rusty hinges.

"I have... I have Schizoid. Schizoid is... you know, that type where you always isolate yourself and you're practically an emotionless assh*le, no matter what the situation is. I... I just keep on avoiding people... because I don't want to form relationships... That's why... That's why I was kind of aloof when you started hanging out with me... And I was cold and a complete assh*le and I didn't considered your feelings... "

" Have you.. Always been like this? " Akiara asked, swinging her seat harder to keep on my pace.

" No... I was... I was happy before... Before I can feel emotions... I was sociable... But too much... It's too much... I didn't controlled myself nor choose the right people to hangout with... "

Akiara stared at me the moment I've said that. I weakly smiled. " You know, Matsubara. I was a monster. I... I bullied a transferee... I... "