Aflutter

Chapter 1Cool autumn air wafted into Henry’s stuffy flat, the noise from the construction site across the street finally quieting down for the night, and Henry could finally hear himself think again. It had gotten dark fast, or so he thought, until he looked at the bottom right corner of his second computer screen just to see that it was actually almost ten PM. Another day gone, and still he was stuck on the phone. It didn’t even help that it was one of his favorite clients on the line, not when he had spent the last six hours in back-to-back meetings (most of which could and should have been emails) and couldn’t feel his ass cheeks anymore. “No, Jesse, listen. I get all that, I really do. And I’m so happy for you, I get what it’s like!” Henry leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. “You’re seeing someone special, you wanna spend all your time at home, but you told me when you came back for this season that you wanted to get as many brand deals as I could get you. And I’m telling you, the best way to get them is to be excellent at what you do, which you are, and to be seen. You’ve got to have a media presence, be in the public eye, go out, eat at a nice restaurant, wear some of the PR stuff you get sent out and about, let the paps get a look at you. If we want to convince brands that you’re a good investment, we need people to be thinking of you when they imagine an aspirational life.” He rubbed the sore spot between his brows as he listened to Jesse, not because he was annoyed, but because his head was starting to pound. Henry reached for his water bottle and the Ibuprofen package that lived on his desk, just to find both empty. “No, you’re right. I got caught up, that’s all. I’m really grateful for the deals you got me, I’ll go to the launch party. Do you think we can ask Armani to send a suit again? They were lovely last season.” Jesse’s voice was pleasant on the other end of the line, warm and steady, like he was trying to keep things quiet for the benefit of someone close by, probably his mysterious new boyfriend Henry had yet to meet. It was a relief after the loud, empty, overly energetic corporate talk Henry had sat through for the past few hours. Henry breathed a sigh of relief. “Definitely we can, I’ll reach out tonight. We’ll get it set up. Are you ready to debut your new guy?” “No, Roy’s not ready for that, and I don’t think I am either. Just me for this one, I think. Maybe he’ll join me for something in the new year? He’s still on the mend—uhm, you know, from the vocal cord surgery.” “Right yeah, no that’s fine, thanks for confirming. I’ll get back to you with the details.” They hung up and Henry squinted against the brightness of his computer screen, forcing himself to pull up a new email to touch base with two of Jesse’s fashion sponsors to see if either of them would dress him on short notice. He couldn’t complain—he knew he had no right to complain—since Jesse was a dream client, especially now that he seemed so dead set on making loads of money fast. Henry ended up with a respectable commission for every deal he brokered, and all he had to do was keep on top of everything. It was just that the hours seemed to bleed into his nights more often than not these days. Between his clients spread across multiple time zones, the bulk of the sponsor head offices operating on US business hours, and his own bosses splitting their time between New York, London, and Singapore, he couldn’t seem to manage anything resembling a work-life balance, especially not on in-office days. Thankfully, today was a home office day, so the moment he sent the email out into the void and marked himself as offline, he could let himself collapse into his chair and breathe deeply. The large double screens were the only light sources in the room, and he felt blind in the relative darkness the moment he turned them off. All he wanted was to collapse onto his sofa, but he knew if he did, he wouldn’t get back up again, he’d just fall asleep there and wake up in the morning, hating himself. His felt around under the table with his foot, and pushed the box of brand-new running shoes out from underneath. Once upon a time, he had been something akin to physically fit—half-marathon-type fit. The first year at the agency, he had even volunteered to organize one of those stupid corporate runs for charity that was really just an inflated photo opportunity for the company newsletter and resulted in internal headlines about contributing to the community and giving back. That was a distant memory now. He had gotten rid of his worn-out pair of running shoes the last time he had moved, promising himself he’d buying a new pair for his new flat…that had been two years ago and the purchase hadn’t happened until last week. “f**k it,” he whispered, bending to open the box and unleashing the new shoe smell. Henry was honestly worried his knees would just give out on him halfway down the street, though he knew that was a bit dramatic. It was just that the last time he had run for the train, his face had turned bright red, and his breathing hadn’t fully evened out by the time he got to the office. The shoes fit well, but as he walked around his flat, he could feel a few hotspots that might cause blisters in the future. Breaking in a new pair of running shoes was always such a pain, and he felt a twinge of regret at letting his previous pair go. Hell, he felt regret over letting his whole body go. Every time he caught a glimpse of himself on a reflective surface, he couldn’t help but wonder if the expensive suits he could afford again made up for the way he slouched in on himself now. And yet, even with regret weighing on him, he seriously considered taking off the shoes and not venturing out into the dark. It was late. He was tired. The shoes were definitely going to hurt his feet. It was dangerous to run in the dark. There were so many good excuses to simply drop onto the couch and veg out in front of the television. He couldn’t keep making excuses forever, though. Sometimes it felt like his life was running away from him and he didn’t have the stamina to keep up with it. No! Today was the day—he was doing this! He grabbed his keys, his phone, headphones…should he take his bank card in case he couldn’t make it home? He hovered with his hand over his cardholder. No, if he couldn’t run back, he’d walk back. It was going to be fine, it was just a run, people went on runs every day and every night. So long as he had his phone, he’d be fine to pay anyway. f*****g hell, if he could get himself to stop overthinking, he might actually make it out the door. After double-checking that his keys were safely tucked away in his chest pocket, he pulled the front door shut and took the stairs to the ground floor, trying to get a feel for his new shoes. The streetlights were bright when he set out, heading down the road towards the footpath that would take him into the wooded park area north of his building. The property agency that had found him this flat had used the proximity to the forest as a selling point, and Henry had kidded himself into thinking he was going to take up running again as soon as he was moved in. Instead, he had managed to take only one disastrous coffee date there, which had ended with the two of them parting ways in the middle of the trees. It had been an honest misunderstanding. The guy’s profile had said he liked to be active; Henry had suggested a walk in the park, and hadn’t quite realized that it sounded more like a proposition for a semi-public blowjob in the bushes. His bad, honestly. Henry had uninstalled the dating app the next day and not picked it up again since. And that was fine. He didn’t need a partner to be happy with his life. In fact, partners usually complicated things. He wasn’t interested in one-night stands, didn’t like how hit-or-miss it was to meet a stranger and try to have satisfying s*x, never mind good s*x. But on the other hand, he didn’t like the way people tried to move in on his life, how he had to adjust and change himself, his schedule and his meticulously-curated environment to accommodate the needs and desires of somebody else. He tried, he really did, but there was always something off, some kind of misalignment of priorities and wants that he couldn’t bridge. Like, he never learned how to properly live with another human being. He could probably thank his father for that. God knew the man never acted like he knew how to live with the people around him. Still, even the old man managed to get married a few times and had plenty of mistresses in London, while his family had been safely tucked away at home in the countryside. Henry had spent so much time alone as a child that he was more than capable of entertaining himself. In fact, he vastly preferred to do most things alone. He had been nearly a teenager when his younger brother, Evan, was born, old enough to see that their childhoods would be vastly different. Unlike Henry, Evan had his mum, who was there for him and able to shield him from the old man and his impossible expectations. He shook his head, banishing any thoughts of the old git. Henry hadn’t seen him in over twenty years, and he was hoping it would stay that way. He had been plenty lonely as a child and gotten through it, and now he didn’t even have the time to be lonely. Henry was tied up in meetings from sun-up to sun-down and represented some of the most demanding and temperamental clients in the world who needed his attention; plus Evan still kept in regular touch, never dissuaded by Henry’s own tendency to not reach out unless he had something important to say. Having some boyfriend waiting in the wings would only be another demand on his time and attention. Besides, it wasn’t fair on anyone trying to date him. Henry could offer some money, some connections, and that was that. He had no f*****g energy by the end of the day. When he had a day off, he liked to sleep and order food in, maybe drag himself to the cinema if they were playing something he really wanted to see, but that was it. Not exactly an exciting lifestyle. When he had to go to some industry event people might deem exciting, it was for work, to tend to his clients. He couldn’t fathom taking a date there. Next to some of the fittest people in the world, athletes, movie stars, fitness influencers and the likes, he wouldn’t hold a partner’s attention for long, he was sure of it. And that was who his clients were, top-tier talent in sports. Rugby, football, golf, and a couple of swimmers. It was what his agency specialized in and what he had made the center of his world. He had lucked into the job and clung onto it for dear life for the last two decades. When he had first started, he had never dreamed he would make it all the way to Lead Client Liaison. All he had wanted was to rest safe in the knowledge that he wouldn’t have to crawl back to his father, helpless and hopeless, just like the old man had said he would, and that priority crowded out every other consideration until he was left in this state, ragged and alone. Shaking his head again, he took a deep breath to clear his mind. The night was quiet, a little chilly but nothing too uncomfortable. Henry jogged in place in front of the park entrance to warm up his muscles and get his heart going until he felt a nice flush on his skin. The moon was already high in the sky, bright enough that he decided to take the footpath through the woods, rather than the paved stroller-friendly route that would only have him running in a boring circle around the fountain and picnic area. Properly warmed up, he set off. Out in the darkness, he found that he didn’t immediately have the nerve to tune out his surroundings with his headphones. He kept them around his neck, annoying as they were, with the way they got jostled around on his shoulders. For a while, there was nothing but the steady, rhythmic sound of his own breathing and his shoes slapping against the ground to keep him company. Henry kept his pace easy, not trying to push himself too fast, too soon, and he was relieved to find that his new shoes felt solid on his feet, lending him a steady gait.