Divorce Never! Love Again?

I handed the result of my practice exam to my father without even taking it out of the manila envelope. It was my senior year, and we were told at the beginning of the term that practice exams would be frequent. I had been studying harder than ever, desperately seeking even the smallest nod of approval from my family. My father took the envelope from my hand, his skeptical eyes scanning my face. As he opened the envelope, I waited eagerly for his reaction. This time, I was sure he would commend me—I had placed second in the entire class. But as he reviewed the exam results, his lips curled into a disapproving frown. "You need to work harder. Do you think you can get into the law school Elisabeth attends when you can't even top your own class? Now go upstairs and keep studying," he said, tossing the paper towards me. When he looked at me, I thought he would see the dark circles under my eyes from days and nights of relentless work. I hoped he would appreciate my efforts for the slightest approval, but all he saw was that I wasn’t first. The paper drifted through the air like a snowflake, landing softly at my feet. That was the first time I truly hated being second. From that day forward, every instance of coming in second rushed back into my mind, and I started to believe it was a curse that had stuck with me. I picked up the paper from the floor, crumpling it into a ball as I began to climb the stairs to the upper floor. With each step, another humiliating memory resurfaced. In middle school, I had come in second in the running race. I was my grandmother's second favorite grandchild. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up being the second best. Was that the turning point, or were there several? I didn’t know. It seemed like these disappointments had shaped who I am now. My family always thought I was a disappointment, but in reality, they had become a disappointment to me. Unlike them, I had tried countless times. I had tried to forge a family bond, to reach the place they wanted me to be in their eyes, and, though I denied it, to receive a little bit of love. It seemed like I had never been first in anything. Always the perpetual runner-up—second in every exam, second in every race, and even as the second child in my family, constantly overshadowed by Elisabeth, my elder sister. This pattern of nearly-there's and almost-good-enough's haunted me, feeling less like fate and more like a curse. When we played games with the neighborhood kids as a child, everyone would pick players for their team. Elisabeth was always chosen first, and I was chosen later. It was as if I was never anyone’s first choice, never a priority. This sadness grew inside me over time. Each day, I lost a bit more confidence, but I was too proud to show the world, so I always tried to appear strong. Beneath the façade of strength, I was actually broken and utterly alone. The only moments I felt a sense of connection to life were when I was striving to achieve something. I had long discarded the possibility of being loved. Perhaps that’s why it wasn’t difficult for me to enter into a loveless marriage. The idea of love or being loved had become a distant possibility, completely erased from my mind. Once, I had come very close to love, but love had abandoned me a long time ago. No matter how hard I pushed myself, true success seemed just out of reach. Maybe, I often thought, some things couldn't be achieved by effort alone. Love, for instance—expecting to be loved just because I tried hard only highlighted the desolation of my circumstances. Eventually, I accepted that I had to create my own justice. I hadn't relied on the world to be fair for a long time. This justice often came with struggle and difficulty, but it didn’t matter. I had to win. If you think I'm the innocent and kind soul in this story, I have bad news for you. I'm not that girl, and I have never been. My heart has been broken countless times, intertwined with injustice, and what was the result? Numbness. My ambitions flow through my veins. Without them, there would be nothing left of me. When I married Lucian and took on the powerful Wilson surname, I thought everything would change. I became Adeline Wilson, and everyone envied me, seeing the grand pictures of my lavish wedding. They would give anything to be in my place, right? What wouldn’t they give to wear that expensive wedding dress and stand before the onlookers with a mocking smile in every photo? I thought my inner unrest would finally disappear. How foolish of me. Both my unrest and my ambitions grew... something was missing or wrong... The Wilson family needed a strong law firm, and my father needed a solid financial resource. They wanted to merge their companies, not Lucian and me. They first offered this marriage to my sister, Elisabeth, of course. She was so in love with her boyfriend, Ryan, and turned down the offer. Even though she almost gave in to her ambitions for a moment, she couldn’t step back because I had already accepted the offer. By withdrawing from this race, Elisabeth had actually saved herself. If she hadn’t stepped aside for Ryan or by her own will, I would have ruined her life. One way or another, she would have been out of my way. She had to be... I can’t actually describe my relationship with Elisabeth. I remember loving her once. I also remember having good times together, but she feels so foreign to me now. Maybe my numbness was preventing me from feeling our bond anymore, but deep down, I knew the truth—Elisabeth was in the same situation as me. I have always remembered how my grandmother baked Elisabeth's favorite cookies whenever we visited. Chocolate chip cookies. My grandmother didn’t even know if I liked cookies. I was feeling overshadowed, like a frail flower growing under the thick trunk of a towering tree. In my corner, there was never any sunlight. While I struggled in darkness, Elisabeth seemed to absorb all the light that could have reached me. Being just a year older and attending the same high school, she caused all my teachers to forget my name. I was no longer Adeline; I was Elisabeth’s sister. Whenever she wasn’t around, it felt like she stole the spotlight from me. She always managed to do something better than I did. Somehow, even in the minds of our teachers, only her accomplishments were remembered. Lucian had clearly stated that he didn’t care who he was marrying. Whether it was Elisabeth or me, he would have accepted it anyway. Even though it was like that, I strangely felt like I was winning for the first time when I married him. I probably thought I was truly getting married deep down. There was such a conflict within me—one part of me was emotionlessly fighting to be the best in everything. Another part wanted to give up on this aimless and meaningless battle. If I wasn’t happy, what was the point of proving something to someone or winning? Even knowing this, the voice inside me kept talking. It kept whispering that I wasn’t enough. It tore out all my hopes for happiness from within. I knew I couldn’t be happy because the only happiness I understood was winning. I was fighting without knowing what I was winning. I was tired, but I knew I would stay on that battlefield even if my body was battered and bruised. I was utterly alone behind those cold walls in the castle I showed everyone. The bundle of papers my father angrily threw at me floated through the air, gently falling to the office floor like delicate snowflakes. "You couldn't even manage this. You couldn't even stay married!" he roared. His voice was thunderous, his frown deepening the lines on his forehead. His cheeks were flushed with rage as he loosened his tie and paced around his office restlessly. I lowered my gaze, trying to control my own simmering anger. I had no intention of causing a scene at the company. I looked up and shot him a deadly glare. "Why can't you be a bit more like your sister? Why can't you take her as an example?" I thought I had grown immune to his words, but I was wrong. They still hurt deeply. "Lucian broke our agreement, Dad. According to our deal, neither of us was supposed to cheat. At least not in a way that the press would find out. I'm not the one who made headlines with a lover." My father's face seemed to redden even more, if that were possible. He looked like he was struggling to keep his anger in check. "Then you should have made sure he didn't cheat." I burst into laughter, almost hysterical. He watched me, bewildered. When I finally stopped, I cleared my throat. "Made sure he didn’t cheat? Do you even hear yourself? We had a corporate marriage, Dad. Should I have chained him to the house in the evenings?" He began to walk towards me slowly, like a predator stalking its prey. "Then you should have made sure he loved you." His words wrapped around me like poisonous ivy, managing to hurt me despite my numbness. I turned to him with an icy stare. "We both signed the papers. By next week, we’ll be officially divorced. If you don’t want me to reveal the real reason for this marriage or the dirty dealings you covered up at the press conference, let’s end this argument here." I slammed the door as I left the room. My anger just wouldn’t subside. I knew why—I was hurt. My body and soul hadn’t been reacting normally for the past few years. When I was hurt, I got angry, and the more I hurt, the more I wanted to hurt others. In the elevator, I avoided my own reflection. I didn’t want to see my tired eyes, my worn-out state anymore. What was I really living for? Why was everything falling apart? I headed to the company lobby and stared open-mouthed at the relentless storm outside. It was way too intense for a summer day and, of course, hadn’t been reported in the weather forecast. I stared at the pouring rain and my knee-length black summer dress. Of course, I had no umbrella with me. During our high school years, whenever it rained, I would watch from the school window as boys competed to hold an umbrella for Elisabeth. Meanwhile, I would either get soaked on my way home or have to wait inside until the rain stopped. Once, I stayed at school for hours because the downpour just wouldn’t let up. I had left everything Lucian bought for me behind, walking out with just the dress on my back and the bag on my arm. I had thought that, despite everything, I would go back to my family home with my father that evening. We might not get along, but we were still family, right? Or were we? Maybe not. How had I managed to be so wrong? The raindrops mercilessly pounded against the lobby’s towering windows. At that moment, I felt like a raindrop myself. Lonely and cold... lost in the crowd. I waited in the lobby for a while, watching the rain fall. I had no one to call. No roof to take refuge under. I was on my own. Utterly alone, just by myself. I had more than enough savings. It was clear that I would spend the night in a hotel. After that, I would rent a nice apartment and find a job at another prestigious company. I gripped the handle of my bag tightly, nodded at the security guards in the lobby who were watching me, and pushed through the revolving door, still holding the bag’s handle firmly. My reflection caught my eye in the mirrors at the lobby’s entrance. Despite the dark circles under my eyes, I still looked attractive. I ran my fingers through my light brown hair. I knew I would get wet before I could catch a taxi, but I needed to maintain my appearance. It seemed like Elisabeth was more beautiful and graceful than me, and I was the second most beautiful woman in the family. She was taller, her waist was slimmer. But I still stood out, especially when she wasn’t around. As soon as I stepped outside, a cold wind hit my body. The cold raindrops splashing on the ground and reaching my bare legs quickly soaked me. I sighed and started waiting for a taxi. Among the cars stuck in traffic, there wasn’t a single taxi in sight. While waiting for a taxi, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, ignoring the rain. As soon as I logged into my social media account, a photo of Lucian and his lover appeared on my homepage. Lucian was smiling, and only the back and hair of the woman next to him were visible. Lucian was facing her, and his radiant smile was unmistakable. I tried to avoid reading tabloid news as much as possible and this was only the second time I had seen this photo. With each passing second, a wave of unease was washing over me. The more I looked at the photo, the more suffocated I felt. I turned off my phone’s screen and, with a sudden decision, started walking back towards the company entrance. "I won’t go down alone, Lucian. We’ll go down together," I muttered, pushing the revolving door with all my strength and stepping inside.