In The Arms Of My Idol

Anna. Kim jerked awake, his heart already pounding. His hand searched the empty mattress before his mind caught up. The headache barely registered. He sat upright so fast the blanket slid to the floor. "Anna ?" This wasn't their cramped apartment with the water stain above the bed and Anna's drawings taped to the walls. These sheets felt cool against his bare arms. Silk. Nothing like the cheap cotton at home. The room smelled faintly of cedar, the kind of scent rich people seemed to love. Kim pushed himself upright. The room tilted. He caught himself on the mattress before he hit the floor again. Heavy curtains swallowed most of the morning light. Dark wood furniture filled the room, polished until it almost reflected him. A velvet armchair sat silently in the corner. A glass of water waited on the bedside table beside a single white pill. He didn't go near them. He rubbed his temples. It didn't help . The fog in his head refused to clear. The memory came back in broken pieces. Charlie. The open car door. A hand reaching toward him. Then, then nothing, as if someone had torn the next page from his life. No scream. He tried thinking again, but nothing came. Just emptiness where his daughter should be. Nothing else mattered: "Anna!" He nearly stumbled out of bed, heart slamming against his ribs. The floor was cold under his bare soles as he crossed to the door. The hallway wouldn't end. Painting covered every wall. One of them was probably worth more than his apartment. None of it mattered. "Where's Anna?" he said frantically. Every door he passed was closed. He tried two anyway — locked. The third opened into an empty guest room. Anna wasn't there . Kim checked the next room, then the one after that. Empty. His breathing grew faster the longer the silence stretched. He stopped in the hallway and listened. A laugh floated up from downstairs. Anna, Relief hit him, so suddenly his knees almost gave way. Who is she laughing with? Anna laughed again. The sound caught him off guard because he wasn't frightened or uncertain. She sounded exactly as she had on a quiet Saturday morning, when nothing in the world seemed capable of hurting her. Kim almost missed a step as he rushed downstairs. Sunlight poured across the living room. Anna sat cross-legged on a thick rug in her favorite pink pajamas, clutching a brand-new doll with long lashes. Charlie knelt beside her with his sleeves rolled up. He frowned at the doll's hair, trying for what looked like the third time to braid it. The strands slipped apart again. Anna burst into giggles. "Like this, Papa?" Anna asked, taking the strands from him with a giggle. "You twist it first, see?" Charlie laughed softly — a warm, genuine sound. "You're much better at this than I am, princess." Anna took the doll from him without hesitation. "No, look." She held the doll between them and carefully separated the strands with her tiny fingers. "You twist these first". Her tongue peeked out in concentration before she looked up, pleased with herself. "See?" Charlie listened like every word mattered, occasionally pretending the doll was talking back in a silly voice that made Anna dissolve into laughter again. Kim's fingers tightened around the banister until his knuckles burned. Charlie looked up. Their eyes met across the room. The corner of Charlie's mouth lifted, like he'd expected this moment. "You're awake." Kim couldn't breathe. Charlie stood, calm and unhurried. "Good morning, my love." He almost whispered it. He hadn't called me that, in seven years. Anna looked up from the rug. The moment she saw him, her face broke into a grin. "Daddy!"she abandoned the doll where it fell and sprinted across the room, crashing into his legs hard enough to make him rock back a step. Kim caught her automatically and dropped to one knee. Her hair brushed his cheek. The familiar mango scent from her shampoo clung to her, and only then did the knot in his chest loosen. Then she pulled back, eyes shining, and thrust the doll forward. "Daddy, look! This nice man bought me a new doll. She has real eyelashes! And Papa tried to do her hair, but look." She held the doll and burst into giggles. Half the braid had already come loose." He said he was helping." A laugh escaped him before he could stop it. "That's … great, sweetheart." Anna didn't notice anything wrong. She turned back toward Charlie, still gripping Kim's hand. "And Daddy … he said he's my Papa. Is that true?" Kim couldn't answer right away. The word Papa lodged in his throat like glass. After a long beat, he gave the smallest nod. Anna squealed and clapped her hands, the doll bouncing wildly. "Yay! I have two dads now!" She hugged the doll, so tightly one of its tiny shoes slipped off. "Does that mean papa can come to my school? Miss Kelly said families can come." She didn't wait for an answer. "And can he read bedtime stories? And … " She looked from Charlie to Kim, her eyes bright. "Can we have pancakes together every Sunday? Like forever? And maybe go to the park on Saturday?" Each question drove the knife deeper. Kim opened his mouth. Nothing came at first. " … yeah," he said. "Best day." Charlie watched him for another heart beat before turning to Anna. "Pancakes are getting cold," he said. "Nanny made your favorite." Anna grabbed one hand in each of hers and tugged with all her tiny strength." Come on! Hurry! Before Papa eats mine!".still talking nonstop about all the things her new Papa could do with them. Kim let himself be pulled along, every step heavy. The smell of butter and maple syrup drifted across the dining room before Kim reached the table. A stack of pancakes still steamed beside a bowl of sliced strawberries. Anna scrambled onto her chair without waiting for help, hugging the doll against her chest. Charlie reached for the chair beside him and pulled it back, one hand resting on the top rail as though he intended to wait until Kim sat. "Sit," he said. It sounded polite. It didn't feel like a request. Anna barely stopped talking between bites. Charles listened as though every story deserved his full attention, smiling at the right moments and asking questions that made her laugh even harder. When she struggled with the pancakes, he reached over without a word and cut before pushing the plate back toward her. Then he picked up the coffee pot. Before I could refuse, he poured a cup and slid it across the table until it stopped beside my hand. "You still take it black," he said quietly. My fingers stayed where they were. Seven years had passed. He still remembered. Kim smiled when Anna looked at him. He nodded. He ate a few bites even though the food tasted like ash. Kim lowered his eyes to his untouched coffee. Smile. His fingers tightened around the mug. Don't ruin breakfast. Anna kept on talking about her dolls and pancakes, laughing every few seconds. Don't make me remind you. Kim finally forced a smile that felt brittle enough to crack. Anna beamed back at him. Charlie said nothing. He simply buttered another pancake.